Today is "Plan Day!!"

Well, hopefully it is, anyway...

We go back to the RE today after our month of diagnostics.  In my mind this day is "Plan Day," the day we walk out of the RE's office knowing what treatment(s) lay before us.  My brain needs this plan so that it can obsess about only one path.  However, I think that my soul is already prepared and aware of the path we're meant to take.

It is my hope that we've done enough research, educated ourselves enough and talked about this enough that when Dr. K gives us his opinion on our best odds, we're ready to take it.  I feel that the appointment could go one of a few ways:
1) Dr. K comes up with more tests for us to do that spill over into December.  This only equals more waiting.  This is bad (for my psyche, anyway).

2) Dr. K sees something in the results that isn't inherently obvious to us (after all, the SA results from early November were not in the IUI range he discussed with us in October...and he cancelled the second SA later in the month) and encourages us to start with IUI.  Theoretically, we could leave the office with an IUI on the books for January.  But, this would take quite a good sales pitch for Hubby to go for it.  He's pretty anti-IUI at this point; wants to put our effort, money and emotion where we'll have the highest odds of success.

3a)  Dr. K confirms what we've suspected for awhile now, IVF w/ ICSI is our best chance.  By some miracle (seriously, because based on my scale I have another 3 pounds to go), I've dropped the remaining few pounds I need to qualify for the IBSA clinical trial and we officially enroll for IVF #1 in January or February.

3b)  Dr. K confirms IVF as the best route.  I'm still a few pounds away from the IBSA requirement, so I keep chugging Slim-Fast, eating sensible meals and exercising like crazy.  We have more time to talk this out...more time for me to obsess about the money...and more time for me to drive Hubby crazy.  Sometime next week, I go in for the "official weigh-in" and the IVF ball starts rolling.

Of these choices, I'd say that I think that 3a or 3b are most likely.  So, given that we feel pretty strongly right now about moving on to IVF and focusing our efforts on best case chances, I've been struggling a bit with perception.

I know that there are many (some that I've talked about here before) that might say that we're moving too fast....that we should start with IUI or just be more patient.  Often these are the people who have never experienced this island, but it doesn't seem to hurt any less when they say it.  We have thought (actually, I have probably obsessed) about starting with IUI just to check that box and say we did it...just to be sure that it wouldn't be all we need.  We've also thought about the emotional toll of thinking that we had a real shot, when it really wasn't much more of one (Dr. K told us last time that he gave us less than 7% odds of a Clomid IUI working for us...and an injectable IUI seems risky with my AMH numbers if we're going to end up at IVF soon anyway).  And, then there's the fact that we'd be spending the money we're saving for IVF on an IUI with much lower odds. 

We're also in the extremely fortunate position to have access to the clinical trial (which includes a discount), health insurance (which covers 50%) and Hubby's HRA (which covers the rest).  In the end, we will owe very little...the problem, of course, is with fronting the large sum at the beginning, but that's where all the blessings of last week come in.  The availability of the reimbursements, and lack of debt at the end, is quite a blessing in itself. 

Since we were "lucky" enough to have known long before we were TTC that there would likely be a problem...And, "luckier" still to have known from 5 months in that there really was, in fact, a big problem, we've both had awhile to come to terms with the need for ART.  Likewise, we've had enough doctors tell us that the odds of us needing IVF were high, that we've had time to accept that likelihood.

I took a stroll through the Stirrup Queen's blogroll yesterday...the MFI room, in particular.  Have you ever noticed how many of the MFI bloggers now currently pregnant or parenting got there through ICSI?  Or, how many of the still TTC'ers are currently doing or nearly pursuing ICSI?  When we got the first SA results back, I took a stroll through the blogroll and remember being grief-stricken at how many ICSI's I saw (though, hope-filled by the number of ICSI BFPs).  I still held onto the notion of natural conception back then.  I've since let that go (not the hurt at the loss of it, yet, but the idea).  We go through the motions every month because miracles happen...but, my soul seems to know that our baby will join our family through a slightly different path.  And, I also believe that amazing opportunities and blessings find you when they're meant to find you.

So, here we sit at this crossroads today where we finally begin to walk down that path.  Diagnostic poking and prodding moved aside, we embark on whatever plan has always been laid out in front of us.  It took us time to find it, but it was always there.  And, in our heart and soul, we both always knew this was the path meant for us.  I think that's why, despite the fact that our journey is sometimes comparatively short, we are comfortable...scared and overwhelmed by the process, the money, the possibility of more BFNs, but nonetheless sure that it is the path we're meant to be on. 

I hope that after today, the specifics of that path become much more clear.  I also hope that there is understanding, from those that (secretly or not so secretly) hold those views, that the path we're on is the path we were always meant to be on.  And finally, but definitely not least, I hope that I can learn to care less about what these "other" people think!

I will update this afternoon...