Breathe

Thanks, ladies, for all the support and stories.  I heard similar stories from IRL ladies this morning.  And, called the clinic and heard the same.  Spotting on the TP is perfectly normal.  Call if it gets any worse, but not to worry at small amounts of red or pink.  So, now I breathe...

I always wondered why, in the 2ww, why does AF have to feel so much like possible pregnancy symptoms.  Now, I wonder the same, in reverse.  Why on earth do perfectly normal pregnancy symptoms feel so much like AF?!  It's madddening!  We're so conditioned that blood=bad, AF=bad, cramping+blood=AF.  And, now I'm supposed to just trust that cramping+blood=perfectly normal pregnancy?  Pretty much.  But, I'm not the first and I won't be the last, so I just have to breathe!

In twelve days, we'll see Beaker's heartbeat.  And, I just have to believe that is exactly how this is going to turn out.  I don't want to live these next twelve days in fear, as difficult as that may be to avoid.  I wouldn't mind a symptom or two, other than the scary bleeding, to help me feel a bit more secure in that belief!  But, for now, I'm just going to breathe, say my prayers and think positive thoughts for Beaker!

That Worry Thing

My last post, on Monday, was all about how I wasn't going to worry.  I was just going to celebrate each day that we were pregnant.  That lasted until about Tuesday before the worries started creeping in.  And, then Thursday I had a little spotting.  Not much.  Not enough to need a panty liner.  But, enough to scare the crap out of me.  I'm feeling more AF-ish type cramping than the previous days, too.

I know that many woman spot in early pregnancy.  I also know this is how miscarriages start.  Maybe I've read one too many blog posts or spent too much time on iV.  I don't know.  How many women who have spotting at 4 weeks, 3 days really make it to a healthy baby in the end?  Thinking positive just doesn't seem possible anymore.  I feel like we're losing Beaker...and I just can't process it. 

I haven't called the clinic.  Three dots of redness seems like a bit too little to call in a panic.  But, more than that, I also know that there's nothing they can do.  They'll either tell me to wait it out.  Or, they'll have me come in for more betas.  And, I'm not sure I want the results.  I don't want to take that call.

At the same time, I know that I'm supposed to be leaving for Missouri on Monday night to go be with BFF and her new baby (born Monday via c-section).  If this is headed in the direction it feels like it is, I can't bear to go through that there, without Hubby.  At least, if I got the bad beta results, I'd know to stay home.

I hope I'm overreacting.  I hope that this is all a part of the process and the spotting was perfectly explainable and the AF-ish cramps are a normal thing to feel at this point.  I feel less pregnant than I did yesterday.  Things don't seem to be moving in the right direction.  Not sure what to do or how to feel.  I'm just in a daze.