Out of the Dark



Arwork availabe at http://deloresart.ca/

 What would you do if you found out that you had only two months left to live? That’s the question a dear family friend is struggling to answer this morning. He went to the doctor a few weeks ago for pain and today he’s reeling with from the worst news of his life: cancer. They gave him 2 months to 2 years to live. I’m still a bit in shock. 

Just as my mom was sharing this tragic news with me about one of our family’s oldest friends, I was reading this post over at Memorable Moments on “11 Things to Achieve before 11.11.11.” My first thought was what would you want to achieve if you had even less time than that. I really can’t imagine being given a life ultimatum as dire as two months. Would you fight the cancer? Or would you throw all of your time and effort into having the best two months you could ever imagine?

In the end, I guess it comes down to hindsight, right? If it turned out that you beat the cancer and lived for another ten years, fighting it would have been the right thing to do. If, on the other hand, you spent two months fighting and died in three, perhaps it wasn’t the best idea. The problem is that we don’t have the benefit of hindsight when we’re forced to make those excruciating life decisions. Faith and personality would end up being the determining factors, I think. I think my faith and my personality wouldn’t let me give up. Then again, who knows what I might think in that particular moment.

Thankfully, I’m blessed to stand at a far different moment right now, which leads me to my second thought upon reading the “11 Things t Achieve Before 11.11.11” post. By 11.11.11, I’ll be 30 years old. I’ve feared turning 30 for the last nine years. To me, 30 always represented a mid-life checkpoint moment….have I achieved the things I intended to achieve by the time I got here? Up until this year, many of those things were left unfulfilled. I think that’s why 30 has always been such a sore spot for me.

As I move closer to the 30th year of my life, I fear it less and less. My younger self had two distinct criteria (and many more nebulous ones) for success by age 30.

1. Two kids, and family building completed, by the age of 30.

2. Successful career, preferably having received the coveted “manager” title.

Now those requirements look kind of silly…a benefit of hindsight, of course. No, we won’t have our two kids by the time I turn 30, and now I know that there may not even be two kids in our future at all. But, I have my one perfect baby boy and if he’s the one child God planned for our family to have then so be it! A year ago, when were up to our necks in infertility testing and it all felt so insurmountable, I felt so much pressure about having at least one child by 30. LMH is such a gift that I feel beyond blessed to have had one child by 30, let alone worrying about not having had two!

As for that second requirement, I’m not sure I’ll have it fulfilled by 30 either. But, I’m more and more okay with that. Perhaps it’s the fact that I’m striving towards a better work-life balance now that LMH is here. Perhaps it’s the fact that I love my job as is, and I know it’s moving in that direction just not necessarily on my timeline. Perhaps it’s the fact that I feel confident that the company I work for is the perfect place for me, if I choose to stay in Corporate America. Or perhaps it’s that I’m actively seeking new outlets that could lead me in an entirely unexpected direction (like my soon to be announced new blog project). Whatever the reason, I’m okay with not being a manager by June of next year. In fact, I might be okay with not being a manager at all….a younger me shudders at the thought!

So, as I read Sonal’s post, I realized that I don’t know what I want to achieve before 11.11.11. I need new goals, because my old ones seem so shortsighted. I want to be a better me…a me who’s at peace with where and who I am. I want to take a more active stance in our community, reach out to new people, make lasting friends in our hometown. I want to define the direction that I will take for the next decade of my life. It’s interesting that when I started my 20s I wanted to be doing exactly what I am now, working at a successful airline (so I can check off that goal). But, as I begin my 30s, I’m not sure that I want the same things.

It’s time to do some soul searching. What might I accomplish in twelve months if I tackled it with the gusto of someone who’s just been given two months to live? While I’m struggling to answer that question, I pose it to you, as well…. 

Winding Road

Last night I drove about four hours from Dallas to Arkansas to drop the pups off at my parents house for Christmas week and spend the night.  This morning, I drove the remaining four hours to Missouri to be with BFF and her adorable eight-day old daughter, AJ.  This trip, though on the agenda for most of the year, was on again, off again recently due to the somewhat strained nature of our relationship. 

I'm so glad that we worked through all of that in time for me to be here this week.  Actually, I'm not sure how much of it we actually worked through versus how much of it our recent BFP supposedly all made miraculously disappear.  Still, it is amazing how everything feels almost "back to normal" for the first time in nine months!  It's true that there are many things that BFF said along way that I understand a bit more now (not in relation to our IF, but with regard to pregnancy things she worried about).  There are other things that I understand even less now, though.  Regardless, I'm grateful that my dear, sweet friend has returned and that most of the walls that had been formed between us seem to have fallen.

BFF has alwasy been more like family than friend.  Even the strongest families go through their tough times.  I'm just grateful that I'm able to be here to help them when they needed it since their families on both sides haven't been able to be there to support them as much as they'd hoped.  Little AJ is like family now, too...she's quite a show stopper!!  Steals your heart with just a glance! 

I'll be here until Christmas Eve.  Then, it's back home to Arkansas to meet Hubby (who flies tomorrow) and start the family Christmas festivities! 

Limbo

Nothing much new here, except that limbo-land is about to drive me crazy. And, this is where Hubby would get his "short drive" sarcastic jab in. We always joke that "it takes one to know one." His family's sarcastic sense of humor was so foreign to me when I first met them. Sarcasm was just not very prevalent in my family growing up. Now, I've gotten pretty good at the sarcastic responses, though. I think I learned from the best! :-)

Anyway, so...limbo-land.....
Waiting on these last five pounds (which is proving to be a bit more difficult this week).
Waiting in the 2ww.
Waiting on the IVF financing discussions.
Waiting on BFF to be induced on 12/14...Hubby's birthday, no less.
Waiting on AF which is also due on 12/14.

I'll be writing about that last one a bit more later this week, I think, because I can't seem to shake it. Back in March, the likelihood of their baby being born on Hubby's birthday was brought up as a happy occurrence. Now, it somehow just seems like an ironic, cruel reminder. And now that AF is also due on 12/14...we'll that just takes the cake!

The relationship with BFF remains strained. And, though I feel that I've done all I can and am comfortable with where we are (seasons, as it were), the pain remains, to some extent, because she is apparently much less comfortable with where we are. It's a frustrating place we find ourselves in. I don't think that we can "fix" it, though, no matter how hard we try. I think it requires time and space. I just realized that last week, though, and I don't think she's there yet. Her whole life changes next week and I think (hope) that all of this will seem a bit less serious to her after that.

So, we're just waiting here...lots of waiting. I'm not very good at waiting...or perhaps it's just the "patiently" waiting part that I'm not so good at!

Halfway There!

Pounds Lost: 5
Pounds to Go: 5
(Wait a minute...You're probably thinking, "Didn't she only have 7 pounds to lose?"  So I thought!  But, I called the clinic to get an update on the status of the trial and now they want me to lose 10-11.  So be it...I can do it!)
Amount of water per day: 4 liters (at least)
Exercise per day: 45min-1hr
Exercise equipment of choice: Stationary bike
Food plan staples: Fullbars, Sl.im-Fast (or store brands now that there's a recall), Deli turkey, Soup, and FRUIT (instead of sweets)!
Challenges this week: Christmas parties (!!) and Hubby's birthday (we usually go to The Melting Pot!!)

So, I'm halfway there and feeling good about the progress!  I'm nervous about the upcoming Christmas parties, though.  I'd rather have the weight gone and have to worry about maintaining or losing a errant pound then worry about losing the original weight plus an extra pound or two.  I'll have to be on my very best behavior this week...and I may see if Hubby minds if we move his Melting Pot celebration to the weekend following his birthday in hopes that I can get to the clinic to sign the paperwork (and do the requisite weigh-in) next week.  We'll see.  This is one week I'm definitely grateful for strong incentives to help my willpower!

Hubby and I worked out some of the financial numbers last night and have a plan for the financing.  We're hoping that gets confirmed by the end of the week.  The sooner, the better as far as my psyche goes...I'm on pins and needles.  However, we're both really beginning to feel like this IS actually happening.  Hubby even said yesterday that "it was beginning to feel real" to him.  We're nervous about the same things (the money, the emotional and physical toll, the chance that it doesn't work), but hope for our family trumps those things.

We spent Saturday celebrating the first birthday of friends' twin boys.  I met this friend and another who was also at the party via iV message boards.  In many ways they share similar stories to our own.  One dealt with MFI and required ICSI.  The other battled low ovarian reserve and required IVF.  Despite having only known these ladies in real-life for a relatively short time, we felt that we already knew each other so well.  And, it's amazing how supportive women who've already been down this path can be.  I'm grateful for their insight (and yours)!  And, for the hope that they give us.  It's hard to not look at those handsome twin boys and not be filled with hope!

We had a wonderful weekend in almost every way!

Moments of Clarity

Many of you who have been following my blog for awhile know that I've been struggling with my relationship with my oldest and dearest friend, BFF, who also happens to be nine months pregnant. I've always considered her to be the sister I never had...one of the few friends I've known that transcended the term.  Over the course of the last nine months, though, I've come to realize many things about our relationship, in particular, and the dicey nature of pregnant and IF relationships, in general.

Up until this week, my realization has been that both IF and pregnancy are rather all consuming. Sometimes people can't appreciate anything outside the particular bubble that their in. That’s often the case with the friendships between those who have moved on to motherhood and those that remain left behind on the IF island.

It sort of feels like boats leaving for the mainland sometimes, as more and more IRL friends move off the island and on to "the rest" of whatever is next. I'll admit that it's a hard feeling for me to process. And, that the things I have spoken over the last nine months have not always been perfect. Likewise, I imagine it's particularly difficult for those on the boats, especially those who never had to stay a day on the IF island, to relate. I get that and it explains it all, to a point.

Looking back, though, I realize that BFF has never done a particular good job of walking in other people shoes. It's just her nature, I suppose. It's a personality flaw that she struggles with, just as we all do our own. That's not to say that she hasn't been an awesome, amazing friend over these many years. God put her in my life for other reasons (and moments) and I'm grateful for her. She will always be my oldest and dearest friend. And, when this storm passes, I'm sure we'll seek out a new "normal" and move on to make new, more friendly (and less painful) memories.

However, my moment of clarity this week has been the realization that I've been avoiding the obvious. That old saying "God puts the right people in our lives at just the right times” feels particularly poignant this week. I finally understand it thanks to the contrast of BFF and our other very dear friends A & K.

A & K spent Thanksgiving Day with us. It was amazing to me, yet again, how spending time with these friends came more effortlessly than with BFF. Perhaps it was because they had spent quite awhile on the IF island having suffered many miscarriages before E was born. Somehow they understood what we were feeling without us even saying a word. When K realized that I had recently taken to calling the room I had always called the nursery "the purple room" instead, she just nodded and said ”We've been there, too," in a quiet, reassuring way.  They've been there, found a way to the other side, and are now beginning to cotemplate a second trip to the island.  Not only that, but they're willing to do all they can to help us get off the island, too.

These are the kind of things that I could beat my head against a wall for days trying to get BFF to understand. She still wouldn't, and would likely end up just silently rolling her eyes or thinking through her own nursery plans in her head. She would likely be worried about me...that I was obsessing again. Why couldn't I just be patient and wait for it to just "all work out?" As if it were that easy...but, it didn't matter how many times I said that to BFF. Her ship had long ago sailed off the island and she had no concept of what it might be like to still be there.

Not only does God put the right people in our lives at just the right time, he puts them there for just the right moments, too. I now realize that I was probably never meant to help BFF understand even an inkling of what this IF world is like. She's not the one who God put in our life to share this particular journey. I've fought against that reality for nine months. It's a hard thing for me to accept. I don't know how to disconnect from her in bits and pieces like that. It's recently felt sort of all or nothing because I just don't know how to leave the IF part out…I guess because it’s such an all consuming part of where I am at the moment.

But, now I realize that God put other wonderful friends in our lives long ago so that they could be our beacons now. No one person can be all things to another. And, that's ok. I've struggled just as much with the idea that I couldn't be the friend BFF needed me to be as that she wasn't being the one I needed. Now I see that I'm not that person for her right now either. That's an equally difficult struggle, but I just have to trust that when Hubby and I make it to the other side it will become clearer.

In the meantime, I see both that relationship and the others in my life (A & K, supportive coworkers, iV friends, and bloggie friends) in an entirely different light. I normally have a small, tight-knit group of close friends. At this moment, however, I have an extremely large, supportive group of friends at various levels of closeness. Some of the people that I once held close, I now hold a bit further back. And, others are closer than I ever imagined. It's a bit of a departure for me, but one that I welcome and appreciate so much right now. More than that, though, I am learning (slow but sure) to trust that it's all according to plan

Beyond

Thanksgiving Day began like any other, with a flurry of cooking and conversation.  Around noon, we found a break in the action between the turkey baking and the sweet potato marshmallows browning to exchange gifts since we wouldn't see Hubby's family over Christmas.  It was here that things took a turn toward all things "beyond."

Hubby and I had chosen smaller-than-usual, but meaningful gifts for each of them.  I've been known to go a bit overboard with Christmas gifts in the past, but I'm determined to stick to the budget this year as we prepare for whatever next year brings us.  Luckily, both families understand.  And, of course, sometimes the thought that went into the gift makes the difference anyway.  Other times, both the thought, and the gift itself, blow you away.  That was how we felt when we opened the ILs gift to us...a check that will cover a good chunk of the differential where my and our HRA leave off.  We were beyond grateful.

A little while after the gift exchange, our dear friends and their three-year-old daughter, E, joined us for Thanksgiving dinner. They are very much like family to us, and proving to be even more so all the time! So much so, that we've wholeheartedly and humbly agreed to raise E as our own if something were ever to happen to them. They are wonderful, genuine and generous.  They also have been down the IF road before and just "get it."  Sometimes, often actually, we don't even have to say what we're feeling for them to understand.  In fact, it almost feels more like a brother (to Hubby) and SIL relationship than "just" friends.  "Friends" just isn't descriptive enough.  They have always and continue to go beyond that.

As is usual when they come to visit, Hubby and A stepped out to the patio to smoke a cigar (or two).  During that conversation, A asked how things were going on the fertility front.  Hubby gave him the update that we're heading towards IUI or IVF early next year and that all signs point to IVF.  He said that we were just trying to get a few more of our "financial ducks in a row" before we moved on to IVF. 

It was next statement that left us beyond words for the second time that day.  They offered to loan us the difference where the insurance and HRA left off.  There was no sales pitch, no "ask" from us.  It was entirely unsolicited.  It's one thing to ask parents, another altogether to ask friends.  Likewise, that minor detail makes the offer that much more amazing and humbling.  I'm still shocked, amazed, humbled, just truly beyond words at the generosity of our friends and family.  If their offer never comes to fruition...if it turns out to be too good to be true, or if we turn out not even to need and/or take it, that's okay.  In this case, the offer speaks volumes and that generosity will never be forgotten. 

By Thanksgiving night, we were once again heading towards the IVF clinical trial, that we had previously written off for not being financially feasible quite yet, and hopeful that this time next year there might be another little somebody at the Thanksgiving table, albeit in utero.  It is for the shared hope that the gifts represent, more than the gifts themselves, that I remain beyond thankful....thankful for the hope, the friends, the family, the blessing, and beyond.

Nutshell Thanksgiving

I'm not even sure where to start with recapping our Thanksgiving week.  It was amazing in so many ways!  We actually did Christmas with Hubby's family last week, too, so we took to calling it Thanksmas.  We decorated the house for Christmas a bit early this year to surprise MIL.  Despite the early date, the Christmas Spirit was alive and well at our house, and it wasn't just because of the decorations (though, I'm getting ahead of myself now).

Our pre-Thanksgiving festivities on Wednesday included excellent results from our DNA Fragmentation testing!  What a wonderful way to start the holiday!

The rest of the week was filled with wonderful family, amazing friends, great food and some good shopping.  I came out of the week with renewed hope and a full heart.  I'm going to stop now because the big news of the week deserves its own post or two. 

I will say this, though...God has blessed us with amazing friends and family.  I am awed by them and Him.  What seemed far a few days ago now seems very near.  I am thankful...actually, thankful doesn't even begin to cover it...for those we love and who love us.

No Vacancy

There’s apparently no room left in my “emotional spaces” for much else other than IF. My brain is constantly worrying about the “what if’s” and “what next’s;” my heart aches at the sight I wasn't aware of just how much space that "stuff" was taking up until last week. And, even more troubling, I don't exactly know what the "stuff" is.

For example, take last week's job application/interview experience. I had that overwhelming dread about another "guaranteed" no. Another example from last week...on Sunday night, before the job craziness started, I got an e-mail from BFF. For her birthday in September, Hubby and I had given her a giftcard from a local photographer for maternity pictures. Her Sunday night e-mail contained a link to 232 maternity pictures and a request that I look through them and let her know which ones I liked.

Even before the stress of last week unfolded, I knew that I needed to be at a certain emotional place to look through 232 maternity pictures...especially considering the somewhat precarious nature of our relationship at the moment. I thought I'd be able to find that special mental place at some point on Monday. I didn't really want to end the weekend on a sour note if I wasn’t able to keep it together. Of course, that plan was short-lived because on Monday the job craziness ensued. And, after that, I knew I didn't have the emotional space left over to be reminded of our IF while clicking through 232 screenshots.

I mentioned this to my mom and another trusted friend. My mom suggested that I take all the time I needed, 232 was a lot and it was a tough situation to be in. Trusted Friend said that I should get my mom to tell me her favorites and pass those along to BFF saving myself the emotion of looking through them at all. It wasn't a terrible idea. Not terrible, that is, except for the fact that I want to look at them. I want to be there in that joyful moment...to be able to put my "IF" stuff on the shelf and just be a "good friend."

I still haven't looked at the pictures, even though the stress from last week has lifted and there should be more emotional space available. I just can't bring myself to look. I sent her a note last week saying that I hadn't forgotten with a brief synopsis of the week's craziness. And, I said that what was really important to me was that she was happy. Which ones were her favorites? I never heard back.

So, what is this "stuff" that fills my emotional spaces to the point that they can no longer deal so well with the normal (or somewhat abnormal) stress of daily life? It frustrates me that I know that this IF "stuff" takes so much room, but I don't even know what it really is. I want to name it, categorize it, process it and put it away in the emotional archives. There's nothing to archive yet, though. It's too raw, too in the moment.

And, the truth, I guess, is that it's no one thing. No singular feeling or fear that can simply be named and put away. It's some mix of sadness, frustration, jealously, anger, fear and so many other emotions, on so many different levels, all rolled up into a giant ball so big that it leaves so little room for anything else.

The result is that I feel more emotionally fragile now than I have at any other point in my memory, despite the fact that some of the other moments that would make the top 10 list were much easier to categorize. Perhaps it's that unclassifiable nature that's the issue. IF seems to grow and spread like a virus...literally taking over any unaffected emotional spaces until all that's left in my heart, soul and mind is that IF "stuff." It's no wonder that there's seemingly no room left for any extra stress. IF has put up its very own "No Vacancy" sign so that it can infiltrate without interruption.

Elephants

I went to a jewelry party one of the girls from last week's party was hosting.  I had some concerns, but ultimately I enjoyed hanging out with these women, so I decided that I wasn't going to let the IF issues get in the way of making new friends.  I don't regret going, but the wall that IF seemingly causes between us and everyone else only became more clear after tonight.

For starters, this house was decorated to the nines.  It looked like a house you'd see on tv.  It was absolutely beautiful!  And, this couple was about our age.  I try to decorate, but there are two problems.  First of all, I'm indecisive when it comes to decorative accents.  Second, and more importantly, decorating is low on the list of priorities right now.  It used to be that we weren't decorating because we were buying furniture.  Now, we're waiting to decorate because I'd much rather save money for potential IUIs or IVF than buy a picture for the wall.  Don't get me wrong...I love our house, but decorating-wise, it's a little bare bones.  Meanwhile, this couple had managed to decorate to the hilt and have a five-month-old.

But, it wasn't just her.  In fact, most of the women at the party were my age.  Of them, I was the only one who either wasn't pregnant or didn't have a baby already (many at the party also had babies in tow).  I found myself struggling to relate to these women even though I also felt like we should be fast friends. 

I ended up not buying anything at the jewelry party because I just couldn't justify paying $30 on a pair of earrings I might only wear a few times while the money and IF situations are what they are.  But, I also felt guilty for not buying...I wanted to clear the air, to explain that we were saving for IVF...to explain that we were having trouble conceiving as a way to excuse any not-quite-right reactions to babies and/or moms that I might have unknowingly made.  Most of all, I wanted to explain  away the white elephant in the room...except, of course, that I was the only one who had even the faintest idea that he was there.

Up until now, my experiences with the IF wall have been with singular relationships (namely BFF, or preggo boss).  This was one of the first times that I experienced it in a large group and really felt like the odd woman out.  It was the strangest feeling, like I could feel the bricks going up one-at-a-time between us.  I looked around and saw all these women my age, some younger, in this beautiful house and I felt that fast forward feeling again.  I'm now acutely aware that we're being left behind, despite the fact that I also know that this is the path we're supposed to be on.

A bit too much...

So, Hubby and a I went to a party that Hubby's former boss was throwing this evening for some friends of theirs in the neighborhood. We weren't from the neighborhood, but we were new to the neighborhood. We had a blast.

Near the end of the party, I found myself sitting at the dining room table with four other wonderful women. Two of them were empty nesters with youngest kids in college or older. Two were mothers to three to five month olds. The husbands were all outside talking about manly things. The women were inside talking about motherly things. I heard about how the one baby had cysts that turned out to be caused by the mother's hormones. I just laughed at the funny jokes and poured another glass of wine. I heard about how the second baby's dad didn't know immediately that she was a girl because she was so swollen, due to hormones, right after delivery. I just laughed. I found out that one of the empty nesters only had one "and-a-half" ovaries, but the time didn't seem right to inqure further.

Once I even decide to test the waters with a "getting pregnant isn't what the teach us in PE" comment.  Both of hte new mothers heard comments about how pregnancy, not conceiving, wasn't like PE.  I knew what I was dealing with then, and just had another glass.

I just went along with all the new mom conversations, because I was really enjoying hanging out with these women, despite the problematic subject. I went along and had another glass of wine...and another. Next thing I knew, I'd had a bit too much.

For the record, I'm almost ALWAYS the designated driver. This time, without even a conversation, the Hubby knew that it was his turn to be the DD. It was definitely a good thing, too, because I definitely had too much. It's so nice to hang out with non-judgemental people, but I guess I would've rather them known why the conversation at hand was a bit difficult for me. Oh well...off to sleep tonight; headache in the morning, I'm sure.

Fast Forward

Feels a little bit like someone hit the fast forward button on our life around here lately. Scratch that...it feels like someone hit the fast forward button on our friends' lives while ours sit at a standstill, just going through the motions.

Nine months ago, we were gearing up for my laparoscopy. (I struggle with what exactly to count as our first month TTC because we were immediately put on hold to wait for my laparoscopy in January, so we couldn't officially start until March.) Either way, we were excited and ready to get started and a little apprehensive about what might be found during the lap. At that point, an acquaintance of ours through BFF announced that she was pregnant with her first, on the first try. I was thrilled for them. It gave me hope...I didn't really believe that first try BFPs could happen. That belief didn't seem to coexist with the gut feeling I had, even then (way before then actually), that it wouldn't happen that way for us, but it still gave me hope.

Eight months ago, on the very day of my post-op when we finally got the all clear to officially start TTC, BFF called to announce her BFP, another first try. This one was more complicated. I was ecstatic, head-over-heels happy for them, but it was tempered by a few things. First, that we got to enjoy our own TTC all-clear news for a total of about 2 hours before it got blown out of the water. Second, that this order of events, that we didn't even get to share TTC for even a month, was tough for me to handle. We had talked for such a long time about being TTC together, though I also was also glad she didn't have to experience a BFN or worse news on her journey. Third, and overarching, I couldn't shake the feeling that we would still be trying in December. The odds of us being the third first try in as many months seemed remote, to say the least.

Seven months ago, my boss got married....and conceived on her honeymoon, another first try. Three months later she announced, though I saw it coming from a mile away. She had been pretty open about her desire for a honeymoon baby and had even mentioned one time in passing that she was ovulating that weekend. My preggo spidey sense was tingling when she had a doctor's appointment almost exactly four weeks later and came in late due to an "upset tummy" a few weeks after that. It was no surprise at all to me when she announced.

And yet, that news on the very same day of some particularly insensitive words from BFF, added up to what was probably the second hardest day of our journey so far (the first being the day we got the first SA results from the nurse). It was probably the closest thing to a panic attack I've ever experienced. Luckily, I have an office with a door and it happened at lunch time when I could escape for some air without being seen. The boss' first try BFP solidified for me what I had already known. We were in this for the long haul. The odds were against us...three first try BFPs in our life? Seriously? Someone has to be the one in four dealing with an IF situation, right? Lucky us (all of us, that is...and yes, that was dripping with sarcasm.).

So, here we are, fast forward nine months. The first of the first tries delivered her beautiful baby boy on Sunday night. I'm thrilled that mother and baby are doing well. The boss' baby shower is this afternoon. And, BFF is set to deliver in just a few short weeks. With all of that, this week has felt a little painful. It occurred to me that in the timespan that these wonderful women in my life both conceived and delivered, we're still trying. Not only are we still trying, we're contemplating IVF and possibly even starting our first cycle.

I know that many of you have been through this many times over, so I know I'm not alone in these feelings. I also know that it's not easy for any of us. I'd like to think that the first is the hardest, but I doubt it. I imagine this will only get more difficult over the next few months until the first try trio have all become wonderful mothers doting beautiful babies in strollers.

I wish I knew how to push the fast forward button on our life, to get to those beautiful moments somewhere in our future. Then again, I know that these tough moments in the middle will make us better parents in the long run. In the back of my head I know that. But, in the forefront this week is a mixture of emotion that I don't much care for...sadness, frustration, jealously, anger, and joy. What's wrong with me when I feel sadness out of joy? No, I don't much care for that at all.