Believing

Feeling much better today...more hopeful.  I'm much more able to believe that this is really happening today than I was yesterday.  After our October appointment, I felt hope at first, but then quickly started to feel like we couldn't really make it happen.  Since then, we've realized that this opportunity has been placed before us for a reason and we need to make the most of it.  The "what ifs" if we don't at least try to work out the financial aspects, so that we can take place in the study, will likely eat us alive.  At least if we try all the avenues and hit dead-ends, we will know that there is another path on the horizon that is meant for us.

I wrote a few days ago about my necklace.  Even before yesterday's appointment, it was a great source of hope and support for me.  Now, it is even more so.  It's a constant reminder to believe...believe it's real, believe it can happen, believe in our family feeling whole again. 

So, my new mission is to 1) lose the last few pounds, and 2) BELIEVE!  There is wonder in positive thinking.  I'm determined to harness it.  I've been researching sample IVF calendars today.  I found this online IVF cycle calculator that says that we may be looking at an egg retrieval as early as 3/5/10.  Three months from today, we could be a few short days from our very first BFP!  And, nine months away from having the ultimate gift to give thanks for...our Thanksgiving baby(ies)! 

My brain struggles to imagine what the feelings that accompany those events might feel like, and yet I can see them in my minds-eye, too.  I can imagine a highchair or two at our Thanksgiving table next year...a stocking or two extra on the mantle at Christmastime.  As scary as it is to let go of this distance I've put between myself and those wonderful imaginings, I feel like believing that they are truly possible is of paramount importance right now.

I'm still feeling overwhelmed, nervous, even a bit scared.  But, I am hopeful, and the hope is building.  We are prepared to walk down this path and now it is my job to believe that it can happen...believe that the many pieces yet to fall into place will do so.  Right now, believing is my biggest role to play. 

My first mission is to lose 7 more pounds (annoyingly, I called the clinic today and they want me to lose a total of 10 pounds versus the 7 or 8 they said last time).  Believing that we really can make this happen, and that it really can result in a baby at the end, is a key component in making that weight loss happen in the short timeframe it needs to occur.

For me, today, belief and hope win out!