Hoping vs. Waiting

Part of my pre-op bloodwork on Thursday was an HCG because I was on CD25 and 10DPO.  Right before the hysteroscopy last Friday, the nurse made a point to say that my HCG had come back negative.  I just laughed.  It wasn't a surprise.  Still, it sucks to know that already, as I sit around waiting for AF to come in the next few days with no hope of a BFP.  This is exactly why I don't early test. 

Even though the 2WW can drive me crazy, it's also still the most hopeful part of every cycle for me.  Despite the odds, for two weeks out of every month, I could be pregnant.  I don't early test because seeing AF for the 209th time in my life is a lot easier than seeing the stark white HPT staring back at me.  I've gotten used to AF's arrival month after month for 17 years (granted, for 16 of those I didn't much mind).  I don't ever want to get used to seeing bright white HPTs.  I'd rather just wait...and hope against the odds.

This cycle, though, there's no more hoping...only waiting.

The New Two Week Wait

So, we're 5 days into the current two week wait until AF is due (er, until I can test...if AF doesn't beat me to the punch, that is)...I try to be positive this month, but I'm not making much progress, I'm afraid. We're also 2 days into our newest version of the two week wait: the countdown to our initial consult with the RE (at the Cen.ter for Assist.ed Re.pro.duction (CAR)).

I'm excited and nervous, but mostly immensely ready to have a plan. And, I'm hopeful that we'll walk out of the appointment on 10/26 with a plan and a timeline. In fact, I have an IRL friend who has beautiful 9-month-old twin boys after doing IVF at CAR. She says that if I walk in and tell Dr. K that "I NEED A PLAN!" that I'll leave with a plan.

Guess what I'll be saying? Can it really be that "easy?" Plans have seemed rather elusive lately...

(Thanks to the HC and Jenny for the new blog awards! So sweet! Will get them up shortly...just a drive by posting tonight!)

Guilty Pleasures in the 2ww

ICLW'ers...check here for my intro post!

Nah, my guilty pleasure isn't chocolate or some similarly logical food obsession. My 2ww guilty pleasure is baby names. Cruel, annoying and lovely all at the same time! Honestly, I've always had a bit of a baby name obsession. I had a name list before I'd ever met DH and we talked about baby names long before we were TTC. But, the strangest thing happens every 2ww...I feel compelled to work on our name list AGAIN!

I wondered if the baby name bug would pass me by this cycle given the recent news. It didn't. I've been fighting against the tide the last few days. I finally caved yesterday, but I decided to channel my baby naming over to someone who could actually use it (BFF). Nonetheless, I thought it might be fun to share some of my guilty pleasure names...the one that either I'd never really use, or Hubby would never agree to. Here's a sampling (all girl names, by the way. Our boy name list was long ago solidified, so know guilty pleasures there)....feel free to share yours too!
Winter nn Winnie
Rowan
Bronwyn
Marlowe
Calla (Hubby says she'll get made fun of..."Calla-fornia," he says. *sigh*)
Olivia (LOVE, but too popular)
Astrid
Kennedy
Beatrice/Beatrix
Isla (pronounced "eye-la")

So, that's the "love, but would never use list." While we're sharing, here's the best website ever invented for nameniks: Nymbler. The truth is that I don't mind thinking baby names so much, even this cycle, because it's a way of reminding me that our day will come and there will one day, someday, be a baby to name.

Confession...my 1ww guilty pleasure is usually planning the nursery (or BFF's). I know, I know! There's something seriously wrong with me! I'm going to much more dilligently avoid that urge this cycle. I just don't think I can stand it!!

What's your 2ww guilty pleasure or, better yet, what are your guilty pleasure names?