So much emotion in three simple words

The title of this blog has been through at least three iterations in the four months. I don't even remember the first few titles...they were cute, but held no actual personal value. More recently, I had settled on "TTC=Trying not To go Crazy." That really seemed very fitting given the pre-O crazies I've been experience, not to mention the general craziness that the entire TTC process can bring on. I liked it...it was unique and did have a personal connection. But, it had one problem. I want to be able to continue to use this blog post TTC when our "someday family" is a "now family", so to speak. And, though we hope to have more than one, "TTC=Trying not To go Crazy" doesn't seem to fit the in between times that I hope we one day get to experience.

So, I finally settled on "Our Someday Family." It just feels right to me, but it does come with its own set of issues. One of them, the biggest actually, is the fact that it implies that we don't have a family now. I would vehemently argue that Andy, Gracie, Audrey and I are, in fact, a very loving family, with or without kids. Sometimes I look into their big puppy eyes and ask, "Why can't this be enough?" Or, at least, why can't it be enough for now like it was in the beginning.

It's no secret that one of the original reasons we got a puppy (Gracie, in the beginning) was to prep ourselves for a baby. It helped for a bit. And, then that longing started to get louder and louder until I couldn't take it anymore, but we still weren't both ready. So, we got Audrey (a puppy mill rescue) and our family felt complete...for a time. Now I'm at the point that the longing screams at me constantly and we ARE ready, both of us. But, it doesn't matter, because now apparently life isn't ready for us. I long for the day when our loving dogs can play with our adorable, longed for baby, toddler, child...

"Our Someday Family" represents that struggle of mine to find peace and then, hopefully, one day to enjoy the family we so lovingly continued. I chose the word continued carefully so as not to discount the one we've already started. It's a very, very fine line between light and dark, crazy and sane, peace and war, all happening in my mind at any given time. "Our Someday Family" encapsulates all of that for me.

Finding peace on the journey...

Yah, cheesy title, maybe. But, that's a pretty good summary of how I'm feeling these days-- at peace, for the most part. As strange as it sounds given the news, I feel like we're exactly where we are meant to be. The SA results were not really a surprise to either of us. For reasons I can't explain, I've always felt like this process would not be "easy" for us. As it turns out, Andy felt similarly, but never let on until now.

After my rather emotional processing of the new information (SA results) last weekend, I realized that there are so many options that I have no doubt whether or not we'll have kids. The only question is when and how. And, it's the when that causes me particular angst. I'm not necessarily sure that I'm mentally/emotionally prepared to be in this for the long haul, but I will learn (not that I have much choice in the matter! LOL!).

But, other than that last, albeit rather big, hang-up, I (and we) have found some peace with where we are on this journey. I think that's partly because it just feels right. I'm still struggling to figure out how something so crappy can feel so right for us, but it does somehow. We are committed to having a family and to learning what we're meant to learn on this journey. It will likely not always make sense and it will likely be frought with more bad news before the good news. But, we'll get through it, just like we always have, and be closer, communicate better, and cherish each other and our future children more, because of it. Of that much I am certain...