Monday, December 21, 2009

Mind Over Matter (and ICLW)

****Pregnancy Mentioned****
What a month!  So much has changed since the last time we met for ICLW!  When I registered for ICLW a month ago, I would never have imagined that I'd be pregnant now!  I had come to believe that I could be writing from this perspective in March or April after our first cycle of IVF, but a miracle BFP the very same month the RE gave us less than 1% odds of a natural pregnancy?  Never! 

Given that when I registered for December ICLW, I had no idea what was in store, I want to be sure that I put it out there now so that my readers can choose whether they are able to follow this month or not.  I completely understand, either way.  I've had to make that choice to click away in the past, too.

If you decided to stick around, you can catch up on our IF journey here and here and our out-of-nowhere BFP story here.
I had already been writing this post in my head even before we went to church yesterday morning.  After church, though, it kind of wrote itself.  You see, I had already decided that getting through the next nine days without driving both myself and everyone around me crazy was going to require some serious "mind over matter" thinking. 

I am choosing to believe that Beaker is fine, growing healthy and strong, and that we WILL see a heartbeat next week.  There's no halfway on this for me.  I guess I just don't do indifferent, or at least not when it comes to Beaker.  Indifferent is too close to fear.  Trying to live in that indifferent space just pushes me into the fear spiral that you all found me in last Friday morning.  It feels better to believe that this amazing, miracle of a path God laid before us will continue to unfold in a positive way.  If there's anything I've learned this Christmas season, it's to trust His plan.

I'll admit that we haven't always been as good about getting ourselves to Mass recently as we should have been.  But, there was no doubt that we would be there yesterday.  Sometimes the homily is wonderful, but I know that I'm not necessarily the one it was written for that week.  Then, there are other days when the homily so perfectly fits where I am at the moment that it brings me to tears (and not just because my hormones are all over the place these days!).  Yesterday was one of those days.

The homily was all about trust and faith...trusting that things are moving forward in the way their meant to move forward, even if we can't see the progress.  If that wasn't the message I needed to hear right now, I don't know what was!  Sometimes my resolve is tested and I find myself more filled with fear than hope, but that's only natural.  Most of the time over the past few days, though, I've been able to enjoy these moments and be hopeful.  And, when fear takes over, I remind myself of these concrete facts:
-  Hubby's DNA Fragmentation came back way better than average.
-  My uterus looked perfect in my hysteroscopy last month.
-  New symptoms continue to appear (newest: gassy and increased sense of smell).

And, when all that fails.  I remind myself that I believe in the miracles that got us this far and trust that our miracle is only just beginning.


Katie said...

I know that not worrying the hardest thing to do. You are so right to give it to God, because it's out of our hands anyway, right? I'm glad you are getting some great symptoms! Now go throw up!

Melissa said...

I love your outlook on your pregnancy! And yep, what better message could you have heard in Mass yesterday. Faith over Fear is my motto right now. Scary but it works.

So happy for you!

Anonymous said...

::gives thumbs up sign::

Courtney said...

I love your outlook! I can't wait to hear about your u/s on 12/30!!

Jem said...

Your's is definitely a miracle. You have a lot to be happy for this Christmas.

Jen said...

Getting to that first u/s was torture for me too. I know how hard it was to remain calm and just assume everything was on track and going to stay that way; after all, I didn't really have a good track record with luck and fertility!

I have faith that you will see a heartbeat next week!!!

Anonymous said...

Having faith for a wonderful u/s next week. I know the wait is just torture!

Serendipity said...

As someone who also got a miracle bfp while waiting for IVF, I know that waiting for the first U/S is terrifying - I love your attitude. Celebrate each little milestone and try not to worry too much about the next.

Wifey said...

Aww, congrats on being pregnant! I got my BFP on Thanksgiving day and heard Little Bean's heartbeat last week at my 7-week checkup with my RE. It's amazing, precious, and absolutely terrifying all at the same time!


LIL MAMA said...

hope you get your miracle

ICLW hugs!

SassyIfLady said...

You totally give me hope. Big hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy for you Lin! I think the message you heard in mass was a good one for all of us, I know I need it. I'm praying your little Beaker will keep growing and sticking!

Baby Wanted said...

I love your outlook on your pregnancy. Keep trusting in God and have faith that your little one is growing strong! You are in a beautiful place right now!

Half of a Duo, Raising a Duo said...

It is a blessing and a miracle.

I read your other post too about your wise and wonderful BFF.

Say a silent prayer to and for those of us who are totally barren, unable to concieve in any manner, have no womb, or eggs. We are the ones who suffer terribly both emotionally and financially.

Bless you in this pregnancy journey.

Hugs, and ICLW

Jill said...

What a beautiful gift you got when you least expected it! Congratulations! I hope your ultrasound brings you the best possible news!


P.S. thanks for stopping by my blog!!

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