Beauty and Danger in Hope

I was a bit shocked this morning when I went back to check today's status on my CBEFM.  It's my daily routine during the "fertile window"....PIAC, back to sleep, wake up later to the alarm, brush teeth, wash face, dip test stick and place in monitor, take Gracie & Audrey outside, feed them...check monitor.  So, this morning was CD12.  I had High days on CD10 and 11 and expected another.  No Dice...PEAK this morning! 

I must admit that I'm pleasantly surprised that I managed to get through 2 days of High readings without worrying about the BD schedule.  I'll thank Twilight and the bad SA results for that.  I've had moments of snappiness (and bitterness) that are uncharacteristic for me, except at this time in my cycle.  But, all in all, nothing like last cycle.

Peak on CD12 means that I'll likely O on CD13 or 14.  Great!  That's the earliest I've ever O'd, so that's partly why I wasn't expecting it.  But, wait...there's a problem!  No BD yet!!  This realization sent me into a bit of a panic, despite the fact that we still have two, maybe three days to fit the BD in.  I know that the odds of us conceiving naturally this cycle are infinitesimally low....and yet, I refuse to skip a cycle.  Maybe a day will soon come when I can "take a break" and it not cause me great angst.  Now isn't that time.

As awful as the 2ww is knowing that the odds are stacked against us, I can't imagine how it would be if I knew that there was no hope at all.  At the same time, hope seems dangerous to me right now.  Well, maybe it's not the hope that's dangerous as much as the almost certain eventual letdown.  I'm going to try not get over-hopeful, but I think it will take considerable effort.  Even still, hope seems much preferable to despair.  I'll hang on to that...and hope.

Wednesday Hodge Podge (Highs, Books and Workouts)

Highs
My post from Monday was right on, as it turns out. The wave of hormones that I registered as mood swings, also registered on my Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor (CBEFM) on Tuesday as my first High fertility day of the month. The good news is that, so far, I'm not the raging maniac that I was last month around this time! I think that just knowing what's going on has made it a little easier.

Books
In the last four days, I've started 3 books and finished 2! I go through cycles when it comes to reading books. Sometimes I would rather just read magazines or websites and don't feel the need to lose myself in a book. Other times, I can devour books for days. This is one of those times. And, I'm grateful for the good timing. Reading keeps my head in a book rather than biting other people's heads off (see above, or below post for that matter). It also is helping the time go faster between now and the 8/25 appointment. In fact, we're officially less than 2 weeks away! I think that I'm going to search out one of those bookshelf gadgets for the blog to hopefully keep me motivated to keep reading...Here's the list so far.


Digital Fortress by Dan Brown
One of his first. A little dated in some parts (Prodigy and AOL mentioned in present tense, for example), but the general premise holds true even 10+ years later. It was an enjoyable and fast read with all of Dan Brown's usual twists, turns and puzzle solving.


Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
I couldn't take it anymore. I caved. If one more person told me that I should read this series, I was going to scream. Rather than scream, I bought the book and joined the throngs of obsessed fans. Amazing how quickly that happened, actually! The want-to-be English teacher in me is also rather amazed at Ms. Meyer's writing ability. Seriously, the amount of emotion she crams into these books is staggering. She writes about facial expressions and the minutia of vocal tone in such a way that I have begun to recognize those things more in real life, too! Any good English teacher could go to town with her writing (assuming you could get past the parental consent necessary to read a book about vampires in class...but, that's a subject for an entirely different post).


New Moon by Stephanie Meyer
I told you I had joined the obsessed! :-) Seriously, there was no way I could not keep reading; they're just that good. That said, I haven't found New Moon to be quite as enjoyable...yet. I'm only 300 pages in. The switch in a few of the main characters keeps things interesting, but I find myself longing for the "original cast." (And that's probably all I can say without it being a spoiler for those who haven't read it yet).


Workouts
Part of our new healthy attitude (at least one new, healthy thing per day) is more exercise. I dare say that I'm having better luck at this for the moment, but I think I can bring Andy over soon enough. He's focusing more on healthy eating at the moment. Anyway, I've been doing On Demand workout videos through Time Warner Cable...mostly because it's 100+ degrees outside in the afternoon and I just can't talk myself into going out in the heat, even though the dogs would probably enjoy the walk. I've been pleasantly surprised to find that I rather enjoy Leslie Sansone's Walk at Home series. I would have thought it could be pretty boring just walking around the living room, but she keeps it interesting. And, the music forces you to walk at a very brisk pace...you can walk 2 miles in right around 30 minutes! I'm not sure I'd have so much luck if the dogs and I were walking outside! Still, I do long for a bit cooler tips so they can get more exercise than fetch alone...
 
By the way, the English teacher in me also wants to know why Blogger is missing an underline tool for those book titles up above.  Hmmm....am I just missing it?