Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I'm Not Positive

The following post is brought to you by a guest blogger courtesy of Cross-Pollination Day!  Keep reading to learn more!

Please excuse me for being a terrible blogger. At first, I don't post because I'm trying to be all Zen in my 2ww's and it takes too much energy to be Zen and post at the same time. Then, I don't want to post about all my possible symptoms (again) and about the resulting negative (again) and about how I'm devastated (again).

In my life, I have been a pretty glass-is-half-full kind of person. Despite the lifelong struggle with depression, I come off as and actually have been a positive person to be around, someone with a good outlook on life and uplifting thoughts for the future.

I think I'm losing that. I think I'm losing me. I hate this and everything IF has done and is doing to me. I just keep crying out, "Why?" Why is this happening? There cannot be a purpose to this pain.

I didn't need IF to love my kids. I'm certain that I'd love my children with all my heart and soul, no matter how easy their conceptions, pregnancies, and births.

I didn't need IF to love my husband. We were already tasked with going through hell. We've come out the other side and didn't need IF to know that we have a strong bond.

I didn't need IF to know my own strength. I already knew how strong I was; that I could get through anything life throws at me.

I didn't need IF to know that I have many blessings. I was and am immensely grateful for the many good thing in my life.

What IF gives me is:
LONELINESS
ANGER
JEALOUSY
GRIEF
RESENTMENT
SADNESS
RAGE

I don't hate pregnant women or women with children.

I hate IF.

I hate that I'm the last of my local IF friends to be "sans".

I hate that I have to put up with a SIL who told me that I'll be a terrible parent because I'm doing fertility treatments.

I hate that I'll never be able to tell my parents, my in-laws, and my family and friends that I'm pregnant for the first time and actually have a baby out of it.

I hate that I've been "lapped" by many IF bloggers that I read and love, never mind all those fertiles.

I hate that a possible "cure" for someone else's IF is for me to start reading their blog.

I hate that I'm thinking of taking over one of the stalls in the bathroom at work since I spend so much time there, what with OPKs and Prometrium and its aftereffects.

I hate that years are passing me by while I try to build my family.

I hate that this hasn't worked yet.

I hate this.

I hate IF.
___________________________
This was written just after I received the negative beta on our fourth ART cycle. I chose to use it for Cross-Poll, because I think we can all relate to the whirlwind of emotions surrounding IF.

Notes from Lin:
Have you guessed who the guest blogger is yet?  Go to the Great Blog Cross-Pollination Page and check the list of sans bloggers.  Today's guest blogger is in there somewhere. 

Got your guess?  Great!  Then, add a comment in the comments section of this post to let everyone know who your guess is. 

After you've posted with your guess, check HERE to see if you're right.  Please go check out her blog!  And, you can read my post for today on her blog, as well!

Hope you enjoyed today's switcharoo!  Thanks to Jendeis for being my Cross-Poll buddy!  Regular Programming will resume soon!

5 comments:

Michele said...

I don't know who the guest blogger is but I could not have said it any better than she did. I think the things she said are exactly what all of us experiencing IF feel but don't say because it's not the polite thing to do. Have you ever said something really negative related to your IF and had someone give you that look? The one that says "wow, did you really just say that out loud. You must be a terrible person." And while I know non-IF folks feel that way because they've never gone through it themselves and they don't know any better, it still doesn't help. Yikes. Sorry to be rambling.

Leah said...

I also don't know who the guest blogger is. I think it's normal to ask why me. It's normal to wonder how any good could come out of IF. As someone who did ART treatment and never got pregnant from it, I can tell you. . . there is a reason for IF. And I'm convinced that this happens to strong women because we can deal with it.

I'm hoping you get pregnant. Thinking of you.

pottymouthmommy said...

No clue who the guest poster is. But dayam what she says is soooo true. It's true for all of us. Secondary IF'ers, babylost, never-been-pregnant. There's times when all of us feel "left behind" and truly hate hate hate IF.

You know what I hate most? I hate that it's so taboo to talk about. I hate that it's ok to talk about being a dumbass who got knocked up from some one night stand- but it's NOT okay to talk about drugs or opks or treatments.

Stay strong.

Rambler said...

Wow, what a great post! i went and started reading the writer's blog right away. So glad it was shared here. And written so true a million times over...

Geohde said...

I would have been stumped, but as always it saddens me that we can't all magically get to the other side of IF treatments now. Life isn't fair.

x

g

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