This is really beginning to feel real...that we might actually be starting IVF #1 this time next month. Next month...January! Seriously! Thanks to my "I can't even begin to describe how wonderful they are" in-laws, our remaining financial concerns surrounding the IVF prepayment have been solved. I seriously can't even begin to describe how blessed and loved I feel right now...that Hubby's parents feel so strongly about us being able to start our family that they're willing to support it in such a generous way; that these people who I'm not related to by blood have always treated me as if I was born to be a part of their family. I never feel like the "daughter-in-law" the way I hear so many other people describe it.
There is no stigma attached to "mother-in-law" or "father-in-law" in our family either. I use the labels to help others understand the relationships, but I don't say it with disdain and I correct people when they assume the worst. In fact, so many people seem amazed (or aghast) when they hear that Hubby's dad is living with us for while the ILs are mid-relocation. Truth be told, though, I'll be sad to see him go. He goes out of his way to make our lives easier. And, I know that we're lucky to be able to share this extra time with him. His relationship with Hubby is stronger than ever and I know we also have this transition time to thank. I'm fully aware that this kind of in-law relationship is a rarity, and I plan to never take it for granted!
Of course, now that we know for sure that we can actually pay for IVF #1, the one remaining obstacle falls squarely on me...me and my remaining 3.5 pounds, that is! I hit a bit of a plateau the first half of this week. FIL, who also used to be a personal trainer, quizzed about what I had been eating and my exercise program. As it turned out, he thought I needed to mix it up a bit more, so I started doing some Ji.llian Mich.chaels workouts (of Big.gest L.oser fame). OMG! Seriously, they're killer...but WOW do they work. I started those workouts on Wednesday and, after sitting still on the scales for three days, I dropped another 2.5 pounds as of today. So, only 3.5 to go! That seems totally doable by next week.
Next week!? Next week, I will hopefully be signing the trial consent form for our first IVF cycle! I'm struggling a bit with how I should feel about this, because, truthfully, I mostly feel excited. But, I'm also completely aware of the fact (and keep reminding Hubby) that IVF #1 may not work for us. I don't want either of us to look at it as a sure thing. But, I do want us to fill ourselves with the belief that it could happen. And, not only that it could, but that there are strong odds in our favor.
I haven't figured out how to temper my excitement at the chance, the first real chance, IVF #1 provides us with nervousness I feel about the negative "what ifs." I'm by no means seeing it as a sure thing. My excitement doesn't come from that place. It comes from the fact that I want a shot at this. I want a shot at starting our family and this clinical trial is our best shot.
I'm also still in a bit of shock and disbelief at how the saying "everything happens for a reason" is coming true in our lives. That we would have gotten the answers we needed when we did and ended up receiving the IVF recommendation right on the tail end of this trial, but still with enough time to take part, is amazing in and of itself. That we waited as long as we did (until after our move South) to start TTC and ended up being here, with access to the trial, when we need it most is equally amazing. Then, there's the fact that the trial was supposed to end in October but has been extended, for unknown reasons, just long enough for us to take part. Or last, but certainly not least, that those we love (and who love us) were so supportive that they were willing to help us make the last pieces of the puzzle together. None of this is lost on me.
For years, I was ready to TTC and Hubby wasn't. He had good reasons and I understood them...I just didn't necessarily like them. Looking back, though, it all makes sense. I feel confident that this was the path that was always meant for us. I fought it for much too long, because I struggle so much with the unknown. Perhaps our TTC/IF journey is God's way of finally teaching me to trust His path. That's a message I've been hearing for awhile, but I've struggled to learn. Now I get it. And so, I trust that the trial will not close before I can lose this last 3.5 pounds or before my cycle starts mid-January. And, I will continue to believe that, no matter the results, there's a reason for the journey (though that may be the most difficult part if the results aren't what we hope for).
Sorry for the long and rambling post (and I'm aware that many of my posts are long, they're just not usually this all over the place...at least I hope they're not!). My thoughts are definitely a bit jumbled right now. Excitement and nerves all bundled up in my brain looking for a place to escape! And, I guess my blog was it! I'm admittedly not sure how I should feel, because right now I continue to feel like Christmas has come a bit early this year. I suspect that the true weight of this may hit me when we sign the consent, and even more so when I've got protocol in hand. But, excitement at the chance seems an appropriate feeling in this moment, so I'm going to keep riding the positive energy as long as I can!
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