Elephants

I went to a jewelry party one of the girls from last week's party was hosting.  I had some concerns, but ultimately I enjoyed hanging out with these women, so I decided that I wasn't going to let the IF issues get in the way of making new friends.  I don't regret going, but the wall that IF seemingly causes between us and everyone else only became more clear after tonight.

For starters, this house was decorated to the nines.  It looked like a house you'd see on tv.  It was absolutely beautiful!  And, this couple was about our age.  I try to decorate, but there are two problems.  First of all, I'm indecisive when it comes to decorative accents.  Second, and more importantly, decorating is low on the list of priorities right now.  It used to be that we weren't decorating because we were buying furniture.  Now, we're waiting to decorate because I'd much rather save money for potential IUIs or IVF than buy a picture for the wall.  Don't get me wrong...I love our house, but decorating-wise, it's a little bare bones.  Meanwhile, this couple had managed to decorate to the hilt and have a five-month-old.

But, it wasn't just her.  In fact, most of the women at the party were my age.  Of them, I was the only one who either wasn't pregnant or didn't have a baby already (many at the party also had babies in tow).  I found myself struggling to relate to these women even though I also felt like we should be fast friends. 

I ended up not buying anything at the jewelry party because I just couldn't justify paying $30 on a pair of earrings I might only wear a few times while the money and IF situations are what they are.  But, I also felt guilty for not buying...I wanted to clear the air, to explain that we were saving for IVF...to explain that we were having trouble conceiving as a way to excuse any not-quite-right reactions to babies and/or moms that I might have unknowingly made.  Most of all, I wanted to explain  away the white elephant in the room...except, of course, that I was the only one who had even the faintest idea that he was there.

Up until now, my experiences with the IF wall have been with singular relationships (namely BFF, or preggo boss).  This was one of the first times that I experienced it in a large group and really felt like the odd woman out.  It was the strangest feeling, like I could feel the bricks going up one-at-a-time between us.  I looked around and saw all these women my age, some younger, in this beautiful house and I felt that fast forward feeling again.  I'm now acutely aware that we're being left behind, despite the fact that I also know that this is the path we're supposed to be on.