Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Reality Sets In

I'm pretty sure we've been living in a dream world. Or, I have anyay...and Hubby? Well, he's been living in a "don't won't to hurt her feelings, just want her to be happy...at any cost" world.

I think it's a symptom of Hubby's depression; he often spends money and/or avoids dealing with money situations when he's feeling particularly bad. In reality, I've known that for awhile, but I trusted that he could handle it. That was my dream world. I should have been more involved from the beginning. And, even though, we often talk about a more team approach, we relatively quickly end up retreating to our comfortable roles instead. Now, I even wonder if we should abandon the team approach to our finances and just have me be the point person (and idea rhat really scares me).

We should be older and wiser by now. We should have figured all of this out before now. We've been at the brink before and managed to survive, but I can't say we came out unscathed. However, the sad part is that apparently we never learned the right lessons. So, sure we were trying to sell our house for 17 months and did a massive cross-country move last year. I guess, some financial unrest would be understandable. And, if it had all started there, it would be one thing. But, the problems are old...and we don't appear to be any wiser. I guess the first part of our path to wisdom is admitting that there's a problem. But, beyond that, we're definitely not any wiser yet.

How does this all relate to IF? As you might imagine, despite Hubby's glowing reassurances that we'd find a way to pay for the IVF trial if it was what I wanted to do (and don't even get me started on that choice of words), the truth is that we can't. Or, that we'd be crazy to, to be more accurate. I'm not against a natural IUI in January/February (thanks to my new treatment insurance for next year), but anything beyond that seems ill-advised at the moment (and even that seems less than wise, except for the emotional gain of feeling like we've got a few more percentage points chance that month).

We've got to figure out how to dig out of this whole we've created for ourselves first. When it comes our finances, I'm generally over-pessimistic, but Hubby is WAY over-optimistic. The fact is that despite his reassurances, I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel, at least not any time soon. Hopefully it's not really as bad as all that, but we certainly are way overdue for learning some valuable spending and budgeting lessons.

So, I'm not sure where this really leaves us treatment-wise. We're moving ahead with my hysteroscopy on Friday. I suspect that the 5th SA and follow-up with the RE are all still on, as well. But, beyond that (and maybe some natural IUIs), we may have to hold off for a bit. I'm just not sure if "a bit" is a month or two...or more.  And, I really dislike that unknown.

It's a precarious balance..."all the ducks in a row before the babymaking begins."  Or, "start the family and the rest will follow."  I'm just not sure what that balance looks like for us anymore.

10 comments:

lowfatlady said...

*hugs* Money sucks. I'm sorry your having troubles and unsure when you are able to do things. I hope your able to figure things out.

elle said...

I'm sorry, I totally know where you're coming from. It just seems so unfair that we have to spend money to get pregnant and put it off because we can't come up with the funds. I hope things will work out for you and you won't have to wait long.

Rain Child said...

Money does suck. My DH has the same outlook most of the time about money...."Everything will be fine". It's not always like that. It is really frustrating that we have to pay to do this!

(((HUGS)))

Suzy said...

It stinks that we have to worry about finances so much when ttc. Hope you figure it all out.

Hillary said...

It's frustrating to add money woes to the IF ones - I'm sorry. :( This book has been quite popular so you may have heard of it, but Dave Ramsey's The Total Money Makeover has an aggressive "get your finances straightened out" plan that might be helpful...? Just a suggestion, feel free to disregard.

makingmemom.blogspot.com

VA Blondie said...

I am so sorry that finances are such a big deal for those of us dealing with IVF. I understand exactly where you are coming from. Several years ago, I decided to let go of the idea of IVF. It was very hard. You never know what the future holds. It certainly had some twists and turns for me. Hang in there.

Trinity said...

Yikes, I know talks about money can be the toughest ones, Lin. My experience has been that one of the top-identified stressors in a partnership is finances--be that spending/saving habits, who pays what, whatever. And I think you can add infertility to the top of that list, too. The two together? Holy mess.

I work with families, and when I get stressed about money (and financing infertilty treatments, specifically) I have to remind myself that I have worked with LOADS of families with multiple children who survive on less than I make. People make-do, day-to-day, and they get through it. I've seen lots of people do it. So I remind myself that it'll be a huge readjustment of priorities, but it can be done. But...then...if money is a big stressor, is adding to the stress prudent? Would it be worth it? Can you truly do the live-and-let-live thing, or are you going to find yourself totally freaking out and stressing deeply over it? It's a ridiculously tough and unfair position to be in. I hope you guys can find a comfortable middle ground. Hang in there!

Jen said...

Yeah, as others have said, it really sucks to have to shell out so much $ for something that most can accomplish for no money at all. Life sucks sometimes, you know? Hopefully you guys will be able to move forward with a plan that works mentally and financially

Priscilla said...

The fact that Baby = Money for infertile couples just straight up sucks. Period. Try to live through it one day at a time and I hope that you'll find your way to a solution. We're in too (as you know, thanks for the comment) and sometimes it's felt like we were a million miles away from being able to try IVF...now we're on round two. Infertility is a strange,strange world where money and procreation are all wound up together...ugh! I look forward to following you through your journey. Best Wishes!! XX

Jendeis said...

I'm sorry. This all stinks.

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