Thursday, November 5, 2009

Fast Forward

Feels a little bit like someone hit the fast forward button on our life around here lately. Scratch feels like someone hit the fast forward button on our friends' lives while ours sit at a standstill, just going through the motions.

Nine months ago, we were gearing up for my laparoscopy. (I struggle with what exactly to count as our first month TTC because we were immediately put on hold to wait for my laparoscopy in January, so we couldn't officially start until March.) Either way, we were excited and ready to get started and a little apprehensive about what might be found during the lap. At that point, an acquaintance of ours through BFF announced that she was pregnant with her first, on the first try. I was thrilled for them. It gave me hope...I didn't really believe that first try BFPs could happen. That belief didn't seem to coexist with the gut feeling I had, even then (way before then actually), that it wouldn't happen that way for us, but it still gave me hope.

Eight months ago, on the very day of my post-op when we finally got the all clear to officially start TTC, BFF called to announce her BFP, another first try. This one was more complicated. I was ecstatic, head-over-heels happy for them, but it was tempered by a few things. First, that we got to enjoy our own TTC all-clear news for a total of about 2 hours before it got blown out of the water. Second, that this order of events, that we didn't even get to share TTC for even a month, was tough for me to handle. We had talked for such a long time about being TTC together, though I also was also glad she didn't have to experience a BFN or worse news on her journey. Third, and overarching, I couldn't shake the feeling that we would still be trying in December. The odds of us being the third first try in as many months seemed remote, to say the least.

Seven months ago, my boss got married....and conceived on her honeymoon, another first try. Three months later she announced, though I saw it coming from a mile away. She had been pretty open about her desire for a honeymoon baby and had even mentioned one time in passing that she was ovulating that weekend. My preggo spidey sense was tingling when she had a doctor's appointment almost exactly four weeks later and came in late due to an "upset tummy" a few weeks after that. It was no surprise at all to me when she announced.

And yet, that news on the very same day of some particularly insensitive words from BFF, added up to what was probably the second hardest day of our journey so far (the first being the day we got the first SA results from the nurse). It was probably the closest thing to a panic attack I've ever experienced. Luckily, I have an office with a door and it happened at lunch time when I could escape for some air without being seen. The boss' first try BFP solidified for me what I had already known. We were in this for the long haul. The odds were against us...three first try BFPs in our life? Seriously? Someone has to be the one in four dealing with an IF situation, right? Lucky us (all of us, that is...and yes, that was dripping with sarcasm.).

So, here we are, fast forward nine months. The first of the first tries delivered her beautiful baby boy on Sunday night. I'm thrilled that mother and baby are doing well. The boss' baby shower is this afternoon. And, BFF is set to deliver in just a few short weeks. With all of that, this week has felt a little painful. It occurred to me that in the timespan that these wonderful women in my life both conceived and delivered, we're still trying. Not only are we still trying, we're contemplating IVF and possibly even starting our first cycle.

I know that many of you have been through this many times over, so I know I'm not alone in these feelings. I also know that it's not easy for any of us. I'd like to think that the first is the hardest, but I doubt it. I imagine this will only get more difficult over the next few months until the first try trio have all become wonderful mothers doting beautiful babies in strollers.

I wish I knew how to push the fast forward button on our life, to get to those beautiful moments somewhere in our future. Then again, I know that these tough moments in the middle will make us better parents in the long run. In the back of my head I know that. But, in the forefront this week is a mixture of emotion that I don't much care for...sadness, frustration, jealously, anger, and joy. What's wrong with me when I feel sadness out of joy? No, I don't much care for that at all.


Suzy said...

I posted recently too about wanting to fast forward. I wish we could all know how it's going to turn out.

Michelle said...

I've got a trio of my own too. All delivering with 2 weeks of each other. It sucks. And yes, we will be better parents because of this.

VA Blondie said...

It is very difficult to feel like you are being left behind. It would be nice to know how it will all turn out while you are in the middle of it.

Lauren said...

It doesn't get any easier.

Carrie said...

I had friends that got pregnant on their first try too while we were ttc. Sucks big time. Please know that your feelings are absolutely normal though.

It honestly sucks not knowing when/how/if it's going to end and although it's hard to see now, the pain really does start to heal once you have a baby - either bio or adopted. Granted, I still cringe at announcements, baby showers, pregnant women, etc. I just don't cringe quite as hard anymore. And I don't feel quite so desperate about how we will continue to build our family. If one is all we have are grateful and know how blessed we are.

I like what Michelle said though - this will/does make us better parents!


Melissa G said...

This post definitely resonates with me. I am in a very similar place. I'm sorry it's so tough right now. I totally get it.

It's such a vicious cycle. These announcements make you sad, jealous, resentful, and then on top of all that, you get to feel guilt for not being happy for your friends. Please don't beat yourself up, these emotions are totally warranted.


Alison said...

Yep, I've had a couple of friends get pg either on the first try or "accidentally". It hurts. I'm beginning to think it's exactly what the word bittersweet was meant for.


Anonymous said...

Awe I'm sorry! It sucks to watch everyone else move forward when we're stuck in a horribly tough place. Not only are we standing still, we're standing still going through one of the hardest things in life, definitely the hardest thing for me so far.

Hillary said...

I can very much relate to that post. I have wondered if we dealt with IF in isolation if it would be as hard? I'm sure I would still feel deep sadness that I wasn't conceiving, but I wouldn't have to feel that jealousy or feel like I am getting left behind...

Thinking of you!

Noelle said...

This post made my heart hurt, for you and for me and for all of us going through these struggles. It is so hard to hear about all of these people being do dang lucky. I have to ask God: What makes them so special that they are able to conceive so quickly? What have they done in their life that I haven't done? There have been many times that I have gone in my classroom, shut the door, and just cried. I am sorry that this was so hard for you.

P.S. I was just going back and reading this post that you had linked to.

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