Sunday, August 23, 2009

They're Everywhere...

No, not crazed zombies, giant spiders or blood thirsty vampires.  No, in my life at the moment it's adorable babies and the families of the incredibly fertile.  It's Tax Free Weekend in Texas.  That means two things...school starts tomorrow and hundreds, thousands, possibly even MILLIONS of families doing they're last minute school supply and clothes shopping.

When we moved to Texas last year, we painstakingly chose our suburb because of the great schools and high percentage of young families.  One day, I'll probably appreciate that more than I do right now.  For now, every trip to the grocery store, mall, church, or any other errand yields anyone's fair share of adorable baby smiles and unloading clown cars (otherwise known as minivans).  They're everwhere and I'm outnumbered.  This weekend only makes it more obvious.

These days, I'm acutely aware that I have no idea what lengths that couple behind me in the checkout line went to in their quest to add that bouncing baby to their family (and they're grocery cart).  That brings me some peace, for a bit.  But, then I'm reminded that for every couple that's granted the extra time to painstakingly plan every detail of their baby's journey to existence, there's many more that decided to TTC and were granted their BFP that same month.  And, for each of them, there are even more that didn't even decide to TTC, but got their BFP anyway.  Outnumbered.

It's not only my "perfect for young families" suburb, though.  I'm outnumbered in my real life, too, and that only complicates the problem.  I know that I'm preaching to the choir hear, but it sucks to be the 1 in 5.  You see, I knew four other couples who decided to start trying this year.  All four got their BFPs on that very first month.  And all four almost immediately forgot that fleeting feeling of uncertainty in the 2ww.  And none ever understood the feeling of disappointment that goes along with repeated cycles.  I'm certain that none of them can relate, truly relate, to terrible SA results or the anxiety (yet hope) I feel about our upcoming urologist appointment.  That much was proven by the near silence on the other end of the line when I explained the results and what they meant to my best friend (one of the four).  And that was after weeks of hearing "I'm at peace that it'll turn out great" on the other end of the phone line.  Not so much, but thanks.  None of it was a surprise really, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I didn't really ever want to be that girl.  No one ever wants to have trouble starting their family, I suppose.  But, I also never wanted to be the woman that felt incredibly bitter at the sight of the bouncing baby or the unloading clown car.  Nor did I want to be the girl that caused strain in her oldest relationship just because her best friend was pregnant and she wasn't. 

I end up taking total blame for whatever strain there is because I feel like I should be able to put my baggage on the shelf and be the good friend I used to be...that I want to be.  But, the "blame" isn't entirely mine, is it?  I purposely don't talk about the myriad of things that can go wrong during a pregnancy or point out things they do that could be bad for baby.  So, they really don't have the right to dismiss my feelings or give endless advice about what we could do differently (i.e., what we've been doing wrong).  That doesn't seem to stop them, though.  And, when they don't know how to not give advice, I'm treated to silence.  Cue the strain I feel so responsible for.  I never dreamed that it would be like this...and I mean that in every sense of the phrase.

I guess I better get used to it.  I'm outnumbered, after all.  They're everywhere and I'm just here.  I have no doubt that a planned trip to the mall this afternoon will do a wonderful job of reminding of just that.  Cue the bouncing babies, unloading clown cars and "grin and bear it," "one day, it'll be my turn" look on my face.

12 comments:

In Due Time said...

None of us ever wanted to be "that girl". I'm sorry we are, but the good thing is that we aren't alone.

I'm glad we live in an area that just has young 20 somethings going to college. I'll take drunken kids fighting over unloading of clown cars any day Im a childless infertile. :-)

Hang in there. ((Hugs))

lowfatlady said...

I feel the same way. I have trouble with pregnant bellies. It seems that I have less trouble with cute babies, but it's still there. It's definitely not all your fault that friendships wane a bit. Friends grow and change on their own and sometimes people are not very supportive.

Lin said...

Thanks ladies. I know that was a harsh and bitter post. I just needed to get it out, you know? I actually felt much better, despite the shopping trip, after I wrote it! This blog is all about catharsis, so mission accomplished!

ifcrossroads said...

Beautifully written post Lin! I was thinking the same things over the past few weeks. You articulated those feelings very well.

Happy ICLW week!

Jen said...

This is a great post, very well written.
I agree too; none of us wants to be "that girl" or "that couple". My dept at work is Babyville, also full of woman who got pregnant on the first try. Everyone thought one coworker was "having a hard time" b/c it took her 4 months. *SIGH*. None of them know what to say to me other than "It will happen", which frankly, is probably better than anything else I could want them to say. At least someone is thinking positively, even when I'm not!

Lost in Space said...

Great post. Nobody stuck in this IF nightmare ever thought we would be that "one". It is a harsh reality to face made even more difficult when realizing we often are the only one in our circle of friends going through it. I'm so sorry.

Thanks for your comment on my blog.

Wishing you the best at the urologist this week and in your journey to come. Hugs.

babymaker said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. I totally agree. My first edd came and went and I celebrated by helping one of my closest friends give birth. While I don't begrudge her my support the whole time I kept fighting an internal battle of being happy for her and being sorry for myself.

The hardest moment recently was having that split second of relief when I found out an old college friend had a miscarriage. How mad I was at myself for that split second of relief, that I wouldn't have to deal with her facebook updates. Then I remembered how hard it was for me (the m/c).

You are so not alone.

Fertility Chick said...

Thank you for this post - I didn't think you were harsh at all. I can totally relate to being the "1 in 4" with friends - it's the same way here too. Like babymaker said - it's totally a battle between trying to be happy for our fertile friends and feeling sorry for ourselves. Wise words!

We're dealing with male factor IF too - good luck w/ the urologist appt. If you ever want to talk - just give me a shout! I appreciate being able to connect with all those struggling in this journey - but it's been helpful for me to also get to those dealing with male factor.

All the best!

ICLW

Jenny said...

Hi, great post. I can totally relate. My little brother and his wife are first timers too, the baby's due date is a day after my birthday. I cried right in front of them when they told me, but I "think" or I like to tell myself that it was a happy cry. She is having some minor problems and they may induce a couple of weeks early...I was secretly relieved to not have to celebrate someone else's birth on my birthday. I went through so many emotions (still am, but have adjusted), it is very difficult. I genuinly feel happy for them and I cannot wait to meet my new nephew, but at the same time I have so many other negetive emotions, and I hate that I feel that way because I love them, and I long to feel total happiness for them.

Good luck at the urologists, and remember whatever they tell you, you can overcome it.

One Who Understands said...

(((HUGS)))

Oh the pain of being infertile in a fertile world. It is so hard to be "that girl". You are not the only person to blame for the strain. Your BFF could try to understand a bit by at least reading online about IF. Or just try to listen and not sit in silence. My BFF is SUPER fertile, but she has helped me in the search for the right RE and offered to come to appointments my DH can't make. It is not just you.

Good luck with the urologist appt.

Hope Springs said...

We're everywhere too - we're just not as visible. And if our fertile friends spent half as much time trying to put themselves in our shoes as we spend trying to put on a brave face and not upset them, our lives would be much easier.

Thanks for your comment on my blog - I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow.

girlykat said...

They are everywhere. You can't hide even if you wanted to. It sucks, I deal with it all the time. I have 2 pregnant girls at my work that I see everyday. They both got pregnant in one month. It just hurts like hell. I try to avoid the conversations about it, but thats about all I can do. I'm sorry you feel outnumbered. Hopefully you will join their club soon.
~ICLW

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