I was a bit shocked this morning when I went back to check today's status on my CBEFM. It's my daily routine during the "fertile window"....PIAC, back to sleep, wake up later to the alarm, brush teeth, wash face, dip test stick and place in monitor, take Gracie & Audrey outside, feed them...check monitor. So, this morning was CD12. I had High days on CD10 and 11 and expected another. No Dice...PEAK this morning!
I must admit that I'm pleasantly surprised that I managed to get through 2 days of High readings without worrying about the BD schedule. I'll thank Twilight and the bad SA results for that. I've had moments of snappiness (and bitterness) that are uncharacteristic for me, except at this time in my cycle. But, all in all, nothing like last cycle.
Peak on CD12 means that I'll likely O on CD13 or 14. Great! That's the earliest I've ever O'd, so that's partly why I wasn't expecting it. But, wait...there's a problem! No BD yet!! This realization sent me into a bit of a panic, despite the fact that we still have two, maybe three days to fit the BD in. I know that the odds of us conceiving naturally this cycle are infinitesimally low....and yet, I refuse to skip a cycle. Maybe a day will soon come when I can "take a break" and it not cause me great angst. Now isn't that time.
As awful as the 2ww is knowing that the odds are stacked against us, I can't imagine how it would be if I knew that there was no hope at all. At the same time, hope seems dangerous to me right now. Well, maybe it's not the hope that's dangerous as much as the almost certain eventual letdown. I'm going to try not get over-hopeful, but I think it will take considerable effort. Even still, hope seems much preferable to despair. I'll hang on to that...and hope.
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