Thursday, August 13, 2009

Beauty and Danger in Hope

I was a bit shocked this morning when I went back to check today's status on my CBEFM.  It's my daily routine during the "fertile window"....PIAC, back to sleep, wake up later to the alarm, brush teeth, wash face, dip test stick and place in monitor, take Gracie & Audrey outside, feed them...check monitor.  So, this morning was CD12.  I had High days on CD10 and 11 and expected another.  No Dice...PEAK this morning! 

I must admit that I'm pleasantly surprised that I managed to get through 2 days of High readings without worrying about the BD schedule.  I'll thank Twilight and the bad SA results for that.  I've had moments of snappiness (and bitterness) that are uncharacteristic for me, except at this time in my cycle.  But, all in all, nothing like last cycle.

Peak on CD12 means that I'll likely O on CD13 or 14.  Great!  That's the earliest I've ever O'd, so that's partly why I wasn't expecting it.  But, wait...there's a problem!  No BD yet!!  This realization sent me into a bit of a panic, despite the fact that we still have two, maybe three days to fit the BD in.  I know that the odds of us conceiving naturally this cycle are infinitesimally low....and yet, I refuse to skip a cycle.  Maybe a day will soon come when I can "take a break" and it not cause me great angst.  Now isn't that time.

As awful as the 2ww is knowing that the odds are stacked against us, I can't imagine how it would be if I knew that there was no hope at all.  At the same time, hope seems dangerous to me right now.  Well, maybe it's not the hope that's dangerous as much as the almost certain eventual letdown.  I'm going to try not get over-hopeful, but I think it will take considerable effort.  Even still, hope seems much preferable to despair.  I'll hang on to that...and hope.


Anonymous said...

I totally get the not being able to take a break. My acupunturist just told me she believes my body needs a break from everything. I just don't think I can do it now; I feel like we are so invested in making this happen....I just want it to happy already!

The Wife said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog. I look forward to reading more of your blog.

I'm supposedly "taking a break" but I still keep checking all my symptoms. I have this crazy urge to go to the RE office for an u/s! Sheesh! It's driving my DH crazy.

Lin said...

Well, unfortunately I may be "taking a break" this month whether I want to or not. Depression just gets in the way of BD sometimes! I know that DH can't help it, schedule it or change it...but, seriously? An episode on a Peak day that came three days early with no BD before it! ARGH! We'll see...there's still tonight. Thanks for stopping by ladies! :-)

Illanare said...

I just wanted to stop by and say hi and thank you for your comments on my blog. I look forward to following your journey.

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