It was a day.

And, not exactly a banner day either.  I had one of those moments where you get mad at the world for the fact that you're having to pay mega bucks for even a chance at having a baby when so much of the rest of the world can do it free and relatively easily.  Breakdown #1. 

Then, I also had that moment when maybe you wish you hadn't really told your mom about IF.  That's probably not entirely true, because I know this is just a misunderstanding that we'll work out...but I NEVER in a million years expected to hear my mom say, "You shouldn't ask for helping paying for IVF because you don't really have to have a baby right now." (And, I wasn't even asking her...asking anyone, for that matter.  It was just at the general idea that we may need to ask ILs at some point.)  Breakdown #2.

Ok, there is admittedly some truth in what she says.  No one has stuck a gun to our heads and said that we must do IVF in the next few months.  That much is true.  The rest is debatable, though.  And the tone and insinuation, from someone who had two kids by my age (and though had lots of endo problems before and toxemia problems during, had no actual trouble getting pregnant either time!), sent me over the edge!  Depending on the day, my mom is either the second most (behind Hubby) or most (if Hubby's having an off day) understanding person in my life.  For us to be this far apart on something really hurts.

Given the fact that we just went through the whole MN house debacle, some help from family (though, obviously not mine) will likely be necessary to come up with the pre-payment amount for the trial.  For the record, that's not to say that we can't afford it, but paying in full up front does seem different to me than paying as you go or a payment plan.  The latter two we could do without a problem, but may not be available to us due to the trial....hence the possible need for help. 

Besides, it occurred to me after the whole "shouldn't ask for help" line that if we had accidentally gotten pregnant years ago, or even now for that matter, I suspect there would have been help if we needed it.  Happy accidents aren't an option for us.  Double standard, much? 

Bottom line is that I don't want to ask for help.  I wish we didn't need to...I wish we didn't need to pay mega bucks for the freakin' chance alone.  And, now we're back to Breakdown #1.

Treatment Plan Update:
-  Still waiting on AMH results.
-  Hysteroscopy scheduled for November 13.
-  Ate well today and took TWO walks with the dogs tonight.  One day down, 8 more pounds to go before we qualify for the trial.....

RE Recap

Here's the "quick and dirty" version for tonight.  CRAZY day today...have barely caught my breath, ,but want to get this written down before I forget!  More soon...

Today: internal sonogram (one cyst, Dr. K apparently not worried; low follicle counts...4-5 on both sides), AMH blood test (because of the low follicle counts), thyroid test (normal), contagious disease testing

Tomorrow: Talk to Trial Coordinator about enrollment, insurance transition, payment plans, etc., to see if this is even an option due to timing.

Saturday: Hubby's 4th SA (to confirm counts, particularly morphology, and baseline), contagious disease tesdting

mid-November: Hysteroscopy

November 25: Hubby's 5th SA (DNA Fragmentation)

early-December: F/U to discuss treatment plan

Miscellaneous Notes:
- Borderline acceptable BMI to qualify for the trial as of today. Time to get my tush in gear! Talk about motivation!
- DH optimistic that we could afford treatment as early as the December cycle. I'm not sure it'll be that soon, but nonetheless it is close!

T-Minus Hours

Questions written down.  Insurance plans printed. Google Maps directions sitting by the door. 

We're officially in the "hours" countdown to the RE!  The nerves I've felt for weeks have temporarily subsided (though, I'm sure they'll be back in the morning).  At the moment, I'm excited...it ocurred to me at some point today that tomorrow we'll have a plan for starting our family.  We'll go from "trying in futility" to "trying with a plan" overnight.  The latter should feel much  better in the long-term!

Of course, tonight's excitement will probably yield to nerves in a few hours followed, perhaps, by sadness or anger at the finality of hearing the necessity of treatments from the mouth of the RE.  I guess that's why I'm writing this down when I really should be going to sleep in preparation for the very early wake-up call in the morning (RE at 7:15 with an hour drive there!)...I want to write this down so that even if I feel worse in the short-term, I'll be reminded of why I should feel better in the long-term.  Tomorrow morning is the beginning...again.  But, this time, at least for now, the beginning feels filled with more hope than despair.

Halloween at Ronald McDonald House

I spent this evening volunteering with much of the rest of my department at the annual Ronald McDonald House Halloween Carnival. RMDH is the designated charity of my company, so we're there many times a year from cooking dinner to this annual Hallowee tradition.

I can't say enough good things about the experience. First of all, it was FUN! We dressed up as cartoon characters...I was Belle from "Beauty and the Beast!" And, I should point out that my hair is actually very short...that's mostly a ponytail extension attached with a million bobby pins! ;-)

But besides the fun, spending time with the RMDH kids is a great reminder to be grateful for what DH and I do have even in the midst of these TTC struggles. Bottom line: It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when your trying to make kids with cancer and their families smile. I'm grateful for the reminder...Though they will probably never know it, I feel certain that those kids (and their amazing familes) gave us as much as we gave them. They are in my prayers tonight.

It's IComLeavWe Time Again!

WOW!  It seems like we were just here!  Where did last month go?  So much has happened since last IComLeavWe and so much is right on the verge.  Here's a quick recap of the big events of last month for us (and, if your brand new, here's an intro post to bring you up to speed!):

1. We sold our house in MN after 17 months on the market (after our move to Texas for work last year)!  Such a relief...and it feels like we can finally move on with the next chapter, which is hopefully our family.
2. Tamoxifen and Arimidex definitely improved DH's SA!  We saw increases in both count and motility!
3. We're officially in the countdown to the RE....SIX days and counting!  Thanks so much to the ladies who submitted their RE stories and advice.  So very helpfu!  Feel free to add yours as well!
4. Today was CD1 of Cycle #8.  Boooo!  It's not as if AF's arrival was a surprise, but it sucks nonetheless.  I'm doing ok, though...see #3 and say it with me: "I NEED A PLAN" and, luckily, that plan (or at least the beginnings of a real plan) are a mere six days away.

I'm looking forward to either getting to know for the first time or just a little better this month!  IComLeavWe is the perfect way to cheer me up and make sure the next six days fly by!  Thanks so much for clicking over!

Disclosure and Request

This probably isn't the first time I've mentioned this (in fact, I know it's not), but it's a valid truth: I'm an analyst by day and a planner/worrier by night. Life is all in the details and the what ifs for me. I've done lots of research on REs and what to expect, but I still find myself with questions and wonderings.

So, while I know that I'll have plenty of questions up until the appointment next Monday, it also occurs to me that my blog friends might be able to help! I suspect that many of you might have posted about your first RE appointment. I'd love it if you'd link back to that post in the comments! It'll help me pass the time this week...and fewer surprises generally means less stress for us!

Thanks so much!

The age of social networking = A punch in the gut

Seriously, Faceb00k sucks sometimes.  Sure, I love Faceb00k for keeping in touch with people I may not otherwise talk to.  I can follow the lives of high school and college friends from the 30,000 feet up perspective...only what they want to share.  That's all fine and well until one of the following two things happen:

1) Someone you're really close to and are used to sharing big news over the phone with takes to posting really big news (both pregnancy and non-pregnancy news, though not the BFP) on Faceb00k.  It feels a bit like a punch in the gut to suddenly feel demoted, without explanation, to the ranks of just another Faceb00k friend.  That's not really how it is, because she called later, but that's how it feels to find out that her world is falling apart and then miraculously back together by FB rather than a call. 

2) When one of those long lost, but then found via FB, friends who you haven't talked to in the better part of a decade posts that they're expecting twins.  I'm not sure why that feels like such a punch in the gut, but man does it ever.

I've also realized that I find myself always thinking "I wonder how they got pregnant?" these days when someone announces a pregnancy in real life.  And, that's especially true if it's twins.  I find that to be a weird thought.  And, even weirder still that if the answer is that they conceived those blessed twins via IUI/IVF or after a long time trying, it wouldn't feel like a punch, maybe just a tiny soft blow.  Or, more likely like a soft nudge, a gentle squeeze of the shoulder, or a big hug...a hug that only someone who's battled IF could give.  The understanding and hope that only someone who's beaten IF can share.  Unfortunately, the 30,000 feet up perspective that FB provides can't tell me that.  And, it seems somehow inappropriate to message the college friend I haven't spoken to in ages to ask. 

I just wish that I didn't feel like the wind got knocked out of me every time I log onto FB these days.  It seems that the vast majority of my FB friends are pregnant or already have at least one child.  In fact, Hubby added another college friend a few weeks ago and her and three kids greeted him from her profile picture.  The thought that someone we went to college with, not all that long ago, already has three kids.  WOW!  Clearly, they have super swimmers on their side.  Sheesh!  A month or so ago I was on a self-imposed FB break...might be time for another.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Of course, I'm not faulting anyone for posting those things on FB.  I'm sure we'll do the same when our turn comes.  However, I have noted that my friends who dealt with IF use a lot more care in their FB posting.  They don't log their delivery minute-by-minute via FB, for example (and, yes, I actually had a "friend" do that a few months ago).  I will certainly have a more careful perspective on my FB posting taking a cue from those friends, as well.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In happier news, the sun is shining here (all day even) for one of the first times since the first of October.  Likewise, the renewed sunlight and a medicine change have done wonders for Hubby in the last few days.  That's a huge relief.  It's easy to forget just what an effect lack of sunlight can have on him.  And, it all serves as a great reminder of why we left MN.  Luckily half a month of partly/mostly cloudy doesn't happen in TX very often.  But, it happens for most of the winter in MN.  I'll say it again...Good riddance MN house!

Busy planning for Halloween (we have a giant shindig at work!) and trying to stay busy in the wait for the intial RE consult on 10/26.  Almost there!

Show & Tell: Goodbye...

...and Good Riddance!

We're taking a break from the Disney stories for a bit of rememberance and celebration.  Today, we officially closed on the sale of our MN house after 17 long months on the market.  It was our first house.  I loved that house.  But, after 17 months, I say, "Goodbye House and Good Riddance!"  I know that our former townhome will make its next occupants extremely happy.  So, for show and tell today, I'm sharing our first home with each of you in rememberance:

The celebration part is this...Hubby and I summed it up pretty well tonight with a glass of champagne and a toast.  The toast was to the joys of owning only one home, new beginnings, and the value of patience.  A fitting lesson given our next journey. 

So, lastly, I'll share tonight's glass of champagne.  The irony is that we discovered that the champagne glasses are fittingly MIA since the move!

Now that I've stepped to the front of the class to share, it's your turn! Please join us over at Mel's Place for our weekly Show & Tell circle time!

The New Two Week Wait

So, we're 5 days into the current two week wait until AF is due (er, until I can test...if AF doesn't beat me to the punch, that is)...I try to be positive this month, but I'm not making much progress, I'm afraid. We're also 2 days into our newest version of the two week wait: the countdown to our initial consult with the RE (at the Cen.ter for Assist.ed Re.pro.duction (CAR)).

I'm excited and nervous, but mostly immensely ready to have a plan. And, I'm hopeful that we'll walk out of the appointment on 10/26 with a plan and a timeline. In fact, I have an IRL friend who has beautiful 9-month-old twin boys after doing IVF at CAR. She says that if I walk in and tell Dr. K that "I NEED A PLAN!" that I'll leave with a plan.

Guess what I'll be saying? Can it really be that "easy?" Plans have seemed rather elusive lately...

(Thanks to the HC and Jenny for the new blog awards! So sweet! Will get them up shortly...just a drive by posting tonight!)

Soul Food

My friends, I have one thought to sum up this weekend:  My soul is happy, waistline be damned!  Admittedly, in the beginning, the weekend didn't seem like it would end so well.  I drove up to baggage claim to pick up Mom at the airport with what seemed like a perfectly fine tire.  Three minutes later I had a ridiculously flat tire.  Forty-five minutes later, Hubby was there to save the day. 

After a "quick trip" off to the tire store to replace the spare and a couple hours behind schedule, we were on our way to the Texas State Fair.  It was a perfect day for the fair...a crisp, cool, only marginally crowded day.  We were on a mission to do the following: try the light rail (this was our transportation from downtown, where we parked the car, to the fair in order to avoid insanely high parking prices at the fair!), see Big Tex, eat Fried Snickers, eat Fried Peanut Butter Cup Macaroons, eat Fried Peaches and Cream.  As you can see, there was a lot of eating on our agenda!

Crossing the light rail and Big Tex off the list was easy.  Some of the food items required considerably more patience.  The Fried Peaches and Cream, in particular, required a feet-numbing hour-and-a-half stay in line!  Peaches and Cream was the "Best Taste" category winner at the Fair's fried food contest this year.  Everbody and their brother wanted to try it!  And, it was worth the wait in line just to say we'd tried it (not to mention that it was pretty darn good!).

But, my favorite fried food, by far, was the Fried Peanut Butter Cup Macaroon.  It was another finalist in the fried food contest, brought to you from the people that won the contest for Fried Snickers a few years back.  This little morsel were absolutely divine.  Coconut macaroon cookie dough wrapped around peanut butter cups and deep fried to melty, ooeey, gooey goodness!  These have inspired me to try a non-fried version of this cookie next time I'm in the mood for some baking.  Simply divine!  (Mom loved her friend snickers, too!)

So, I may have gained 10 pounds this weekend, but it feels well worth it.  And, not so much for the fried food, but for the wonderful, well-timed mother-daughter time and the fact that we can say we finally did it.  We finally made it to the the Fair together and had a great time doing!  The fried food wasn't bad either!

Friday Frustrations

I wish I could say that I was feeling great headed into the weekend. Unfortunately, I'm feeling frustrated. A lot of things are adding up to create that feeling. And, even though there's a great deal of hopeful, "almost there" sort of things going on right now, I can't seem to get past my general feeling of annoyed frustration on this dreary, rainy Friday.

House
We were supposed to be the proud owners of only one house, officially, as of today. Instead, we have two houses for one more week. The closing on our MN house got moved to next Wednesday. Not the end of the world. It's still on the calendar and it's a bank issue, not a buyer issue. Still, it's annoying. After 17 months on the market, though, what's one more week?

RE
I posted earlier this week about my call to schedule the initial consult at the RE. I talked with the new patient coordinator on Wednesday afternoon and got an appointment set-up for the morning of 10/26. Awesome! We wouldn't have to wait too long to get a plan. Unfortunately, I woke up in a startle on Thursday morning when I realized that somehow I'd failed to realize that I had an all day meeting at work on 10/26 and would probably need to reschedule. I immediately called the coordinator yesterday morning...still haven't heard back. I imagine she's off and I'll here from her on Monday. I was making every effort to schedule the appointment for first thing in the morning or last thing in the evening to appease my office. But, I have sense decided that I'll be much better able to participate in my boss's baby shower on November 5 if we have a plan by then. Maybe that's silly, but I think it will help I'm annoyed at myself for scheduling it on the 26th in the place and growing increasingy annoyed that I haven't heard back (not at the coordinator, just in general that I can't get it confirmed on our calendars).

Depression and TTC
And then there's the big one. DH and I had the talk last night. He's right in the middle of a lot of non-TTC-related medical issues that investigating the MFI sort of dug up. He's dealing with severe fatigue...to the point of not being able to successfully complete once normal, daily tasks. Now that his hormone levels are back to normal (testosterone and estradiol are in normal ranges per the blood work we received from the uro this week!), his thyroid panel came back clear and his CPAP (for sleep apnea) has been cleared as working normally, we're beginning to wonder if it has something to do with his depression meds. The very thing we were hoping to avoid messing with now needs to be messed with. So, we had the talk...should we hold off on "advanced-TTC" until he's feeling better or continue to pursue getting him "back to normal" at the same time as we move forward with the RE. We decided to move ahead, but reevaluate before we start any treatments. A perfectly sensible resolution...but, I'm finding myself annoyed at the conversation in the first place. The depression, making it's presence known in yet another way, annoys me to know end. I digress and will save it for the next post.

To end on a lighter note...my mom is flying in this weekend. We're going to the Texas State Fair. I'll report soon on fair oddities (er, delicacies?) like fried butter and fried peaches and cream. Maybe tomorrow's feeling of "painfully stuffed" will outweigh (no pun intended) today's annoyance.

Show & Tell: Disney Transport Ghost Town

It's Wednesday! That means three things...we're more than halfway to the weekend; it's Show & Tell time at Stirrup Queen's; and it's a walk down Disney memory lane here!

For my conference last month, I stayed at the Walt Disney World Dolphin. For those that don't know the ins and outs Disney resorts, the Dolphin is one of only a few non-Disney hotels within the park grounds. The Dolphin (and neighboring Swan) are actually managed by Starwood (of Sheraton and Westin fame), but guests are offered most of the benefits Disney provides to guest staying at "full" Disney resorts (like the All Stars or the Grand Floridian). One of those Disney included services for Dolphin guests is Disney Transport...that's a seat on one of the multitude of Disney buses that take you anywhere and everywhere you need to go!

The Dolphin shares buses with Swan, Boardwalk, Yacht Club and Beach Club. Since it is also an Epcot resort, it has back entrance access to Epcot via Friendship Boats and a walkway. I guess most people who stay at a one of these five resorts just takes the back entrance and walk or ride back to the resort after Illuminations. What fun is that?

On Tuesday night, after my whirwind tour of Epcot, I watched Illuminations from the China pavillion in World Showcase. This is pretty much my favorite place to watch Illuminations, because I firmly believe that the show is just not the same without the golf ball in the background. China is at the back of the park, and much nearer to the back entrance (at France) than the front. But, I wanted to enjoy every last minute I could at my favorite park. I fought the crowds who were walking in the opposite direction while I took the l-o-n-g way back around the Seven Seas Lagoon, all the way back to the golf ball.

I took pictures and soaked in all that Disney magic that I love so much. Then, I headed out to the bus stops. I stopped a the bus information signs that tell you which stop to line up at for each resort. Oddly, I didn't see the Dolphin (or the Swan, Boardwalk, Beach Club or Yacht Club, for that matter). Seeing my confusion, a gentleman standing there (not appearing to wear a cast member uniform, but he didn't look like a par guest either) asked me where I was headed. When I said the Dolphin he said, "Oh, there's no bus for that. It's usually a taxi." Of course, I then realized that the helpful looking gentleman was actually a cab driver. Not so helpful.

No worries. I knew better than to take his advice anyway. And, I soon saw the sign that said, "Dolphin, Swan, Beach Club, Yacht Club and Boardwalk Guests please take the Hollywood Studios Bus and then transfer to the resort bus." Ok, I imagine this is because Epcot has the rear entrance to these resorts...they just don't offer dedicated buses to and from them from the Epcot front entrance. A trip to the Hollywood Studios parking lot would be no problem except that Hollywood Studios closed an hour earlier. Still unphased, I found the next uniformed Disney cast member and shared my plight. He told me to stand at the Hollywood Studios line and they'd take care of me.

That they did I stood there long enough to watch at least 4, maybe 5, All Star buses load to standing room only capacity. Another 3 Caribbean Beach Resort buses did the same. I was beginning to wonder if my bus was really coming when I was nearly the only person waiting for any Disney Transport bus on my side of the parking lot. Right about then, my very own Disney Transport bus arrived! I had it all to myself...and that was a sight I had never, ever seen at Disney...an empty bus. It was such an alien sight to me, that I had to snap a pic. My cast member driver, on his unscheduled trip to the Dolphin, must have thought I was crazy! But, here it is and I'm glad I captured the moment...

An empty bus actually happened to me twice on this trip! This time and then once on my last day, too (Sorry, no pics of that time! :-) The moral of this Disney story is twofold: 1) Don't listen to the guys that stand by the bus signs outside Epcot. Find a castmember. 2) The week before Epcot's Food & Wine Festival (so, depending on the timing of the Festival, the 2nd or 3rd week of September) is an awesome time to head to Disney! I rarely had to wait in a line at any park longer than 5 minutes...and had an empty bus TWICE! Can't beat that!

Check out what everyone else is sharing for Show & Tell over at Mel's Place! Hope to see you at the head of the class next week!

Cue the Butterflies

The strangest thing happened yesterday. I had checked into everything that I wanted to check into before scheduling our initial consultation with the RE (insurance, HRA, etc). I had picked the RE 2+ months ago at the first mention of us possibly needing IVF. I had been ready to make this call for awhile now.  That's just the way I process information. And, here we were finally (relatively speaking) at the point of getting the "higher impact" action plan I was writing about just last week.

Two months ago, I would have thought I would have picked up the phone, dialed the number and scheduled the appointment with wreckless abandon. Instead, I freaked out, my stomach full of thousands of tiny butterflies. This struck me as very odd. It was just a phone call. It was just a consultation. It would probably be a month or more away. And, I could cancel it if need be. What the heck had me all worked up?

More than any other call or appointment so far, this call...this call to schedule the initial consult that will determine whether we continue to wait it out, "try harder" with something like IUI, or jump straight to the end of the book with IVF w/ ICSI...this call makes it feel real. You don't end up at the urologist if the swimmers are Michael Phelps quality. Likewise, you don't make the call for the intial consult at the RE if your odds of getting pregnant naturally are high.

This is real. We are dealing with infertility. We are currently infertile. Deep breath. Butterflies remain. But, the freak out faded. It's just an apointment and I can cancel anytime if I change my mind on the clinic, or we decide to wait it out a bit longer, or whatever the reason may be. It's just a consult....albeit a consult with bigger, better ramifications than any appointment I've ever had.

So, I picked up the phone, dialed the number and said the words: "I'd like to schedule a new patient consultation." And, after all that, I hung up the phone empty-handed. My clinic requests that I fill out the new patient paperwork and then they call me to schedule. After all that! The paperwork is ready to go and I hope to get a call with an appointment later today.

This is real. I'm scared, nervous, excited...ready.

I'd like to thank...

...Marla'z from Marla'z Austin Journey for my very first blog award!  How exciting!
Here are the rules:
Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part
1. Where is your cell phone? Couch
2. Your hair? Brown
3. Your mother? Support
4. Your father? Determined
5. Your favorite food? Chocolate
6. Your dream last night? None
7. Your favorite drink? Limeade
8. Your dream/goal? Motherhood
9. What room are you in? Bedroom
10. Your hobby? Dogs
11. Your fear? Aliens
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Here
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. Something that you aren’t? BD'ing
15. Muffins? Cranberry
16. Wish list item? Car
17. Where did you grow up? Arkansas
18. Last thing you did? FarmVille
19. What are you wearing? PJs
20. Your TV? On
21. Your pets? Two
22. Friends? Deep
23. Your life? Blessed
24. Your mood? Frustrated
25. Missing someone? Friend
26. Vehicle? Accord
27. Something you’re not wearing? Glasses
28. Your favorite store? Department
29. Your favorite color? Aqua
30. When was the last time you laughed? Afternoon
31. Last time you cried? Saturday
32. Your best friend? DH!
33. One place that I go to over and over? Bathroom
34. One person who emails me regularly? Deb
35. Favorite place to eat? Sweet Tomatoes

Recipients
1 Moving on to the Next plan
2 Are we There Yet? (pg)
3 One Who Understands
4 The Sassy Infertile Lady
5 C by the Sea
6 IF Crossroads

Don't forget to pass it on!

And then there were 48 million!

What a difference a month makes!  Thanks to Tamoxifen & Arimidex we have 43 million more swimmers on a mission than we did last month (count increased from 5 million to 43 million).  And, they swim better, too (motility from 22% to 38%).  Based on those two factors, we're in IUI range now!  Morphology is still lagging near 0%.  Dr. B was quick to point out that morphology is a deal breaker and may lead us to IVF anyway.  However, IUI is at least an option today.  It wasn't a month ago.

I'm thrilled with the progress!  DH and I are going talk next steps tonight.  I'm hoping that we can an RE appointment set-up and try an IUI cycle in December before the IVF clinical trial in January.  DH may have slightly more patient thoughts on the matter, though.  We'll see. 

Ah, but there is one catch-22.  All the evidence indicates that the Tamoxifen/Arimidex are the cause of DH's recent extreme fatigue and depression flare-up.  DH had new blood work done today and will then go off the Tamoxifen/Arimidex for one week.  If the fatigue increaseses, then we know that the meds were helping and the cause is something else.  If it stays the same, we know the cause is something else.  If it decreases, we know the meds were the problem....and we find a Plan B. 

Even though I know that our chances of a natural pregnancy this month are very slim, I'm pretty sure that I won't be quite as "indifferent" as I was last cycle!  Thanks for all of the good luck wishes, crossed fingers and prayers blog friends...progress, slow but sure!