Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Cue the Butterflies

The strangest thing happened yesterday. I had checked into everything that I wanted to check into before scheduling our initial consultation with the RE (insurance, HRA, etc). I had picked the RE 2+ months ago at the first mention of us possibly needing IVF. I had been ready to make this call for awhile now.  That's just the way I process information. And, here we were finally (relatively speaking) at the point of getting the "higher impact" action plan I was writing about just last week.

Two months ago, I would have thought I would have picked up the phone, dialed the number and scheduled the appointment with wreckless abandon. Instead, I freaked out, my stomach full of thousands of tiny butterflies. This struck me as very odd. It was just a phone call. It was just a consultation. It would probably be a month or more away. And, I could cancel it if need be. What the heck had me all worked up?

More than any other call or appointment so far, this call...this call to schedule the initial consult that will determine whether we continue to wait it out, "try harder" with something like IUI, or jump straight to the end of the book with IVF w/ ICSI...this call makes it feel real. You don't end up at the urologist if the swimmers are Michael Phelps quality. Likewise, you don't make the call for the intial consult at the RE if your odds of getting pregnant naturally are high.

This is real. We are dealing with infertility. We are currently infertile. Deep breath. Butterflies remain. But, the freak out faded. It's just an apointment and I can cancel anytime if I change my mind on the clinic, or we decide to wait it out a bit longer, or whatever the reason may be. It's just a consult....albeit a consult with bigger, better ramifications than any appointment I've ever had.

So, I picked up the phone, dialed the number and said the words: "I'd like to schedule a new patient consultation." And, after all that, I hung up the phone empty-handed. My clinic requests that I fill out the new patient paperwork and then they call me to schedule. After all that! The paperwork is ready to go and I hope to get a call with an appointment later today.

This is real. I'm scared, nervous, excited...ready.


Anonymous said...

Ugh. After all that you still have to wait. I was the same way when I called my RE for the first time. My voice got all wavery and weird. It was the first time I had said to someone that we were trying to get pregnant. Hope you get in soon.

Hope Springs said...

I was that way too - for us, the first appointment at the clinic was to get all the tests done, so all we knew was that it was taking us a long time on our own. Calling the clinic and saying it out loud felt like admitting defeat, but once we had the appointment I felt a huge sense of relief.

I hope you got your call and the appointment comes up soon.

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