Belated ICLW Welcome

This is a much belated "hello and welcome to my blog" in honor of ICLW!  I ended up getting sick with a nasty sinus infection and pretty much slept for the better part of the last few days.  The sinus pressure was insane!  In the end, my OB prescribed some antibiotic on the premise that the infection was much worse for baby than the meds.  Sure enough, the antibitoic worked like a charm!  Gotta love the Z-pack!

Nothing much new going on here.  I guess I just don't feel like I have many interesting these to say these days.  We're formally in the second trimester now!  So, we also formally announced to our colleagues at work just this week.  We're at 14 weeks and got a lot of "why did you wait so long" responses.  It's a pretty personal thing!  I hung on a little longer before telling everyone because I was dealing with the fear of the jinx and not wanting to cause anyone else to feel like I did when others announced pregnancy news.  However, I finally realized that we deserved to celebrate, too...and that I would do my best to be considerably more tactful than many of my colleagues last year were.  Posting to Faceb00k, though?  I still haven't quite worked up the nerve to do that yet.

There are a few semi-exciting things going on this week, though...

1)  I looked in the mirror today and for the first time, I saw more bump than pudge!  I don't think that anyone else would possibly notice it through clothes.  But, I was just so excited to see it!  I don't expect there to be a noticeable bump for awhile, but I was excited to see it progressing...slow but sure!

2)  On Thursday night, Hubby and I are going to a giant consignment sale at the convention center for all things baby, children and maternity.  They've got everything from baby clothes to maternity clothes, cribs to toys. 

Much to my dismay (I've been on this soapbox lately), my company doesn't provide short-term disability.  We're determined for me to be able to take the full 12-weeks off, but it means that 2 months of it will be unpaid.  We've been budgeting and saving like crazy trying to make it work. 

One of the things that I've had to change my mindset on is nursery furniture.  I would've loved for us to have been able to buy an awesome, new designer crib from a boutique or something, but it's just not feasible.  And, my hope is that we'll be able to get something of higher quality by buying gently used than new.  The bottomline for me is that time with Beaker before I go back to work is certainly worth getting a bit creative with the furniture situation.

I'm hoping that we'll be able to find a crib, dresser and rocker at the consignment sale. Plus, the newly appearing bump requires that I do some shopping for maternity clothes, too!  Should be a good time, if Hubby can survive the onslaught of pregnancy hormones from all the women at the convention center!  LOL!  I'm hoping it's both fun and productive! 

Mind Over Matter (and ICLW)

****Pregnancy Mentioned****

What a month!  So much has changed since the last time we met for ICLW!  When I registered for ICLW a month ago, I would never have imagined that I'd be pregnant now!  I had come to believe that I could be writing from this perspective in March or April after our first cycle of IVF, but a miracle BFP the very same month the RE gave us less than 1% odds of a natural pregnancy?  Never! 

Given that when I registered for December ICLW, I had no idea what was in store, I want to be sure that I put it out there now so that my readers can choose whether they are able to follow this month or not.  I completely understand, either way.  I've had to make that choice to click away in the past, too.

--------------------------------------

If you decided to stick around, you can catch up on our IF journey here and here and our out-of-nowhere BFP story here.
--------------------------------------

I had already been writing this post in my head even before we went to church yesterday morning.  After church, though, it kind of wrote itself.  You see, I had already decided that getting through the next nine days without driving both myself and everyone around me crazy was going to require some serious "mind over matter" thinking. 

I am choosing to believe that Beaker is fine, growing healthy and strong, and that we WILL see a heartbeat next week.  There's no halfway on this for me.  I guess I just don't do indifferent, or at least not when it comes to Beaker.  Indifferent is too close to fear.  Trying to live in that indifferent space just pushes me into the fear spiral that you all found me in last Friday morning.  It feels better to believe that this amazing, miracle of a path God laid before us will continue to unfold in a positive way.  If there's anything I've learned this Christmas season, it's to trust His plan.

I'll admit that we haven't always been as good about getting ourselves to Mass recently as we should have been.  But, there was no doubt that we would be there yesterday.  Sometimes the homily is wonderful, but I know that I'm not necessarily the one it was written for that week.  Then, there are other days when the homily so perfectly fits where I am at the moment that it brings me to tears (and not just because my hormones are all over the place these days!).  Yesterday was one of those days.

The homily was all about trust and faith...trusting that things are moving forward in the way their meant to move forward, even if we can't see the progress.  If that wasn't the message I needed to hear right now, I don't know what was!  Sometimes my resolve is tested and I find myself more filled with fear than hope, but that's only natural.  Most of the time over the past few days, though, I've been able to enjoy these moments and be hopeful.  And, when fear takes over, I remind myself of these concrete facts:

-  Hubby's DNA Fragmentation came back way better than average.

-  My uterus looked perfect in my hysteroscopy last month.

-  New symptoms continue to appear (newest: gassy and increased sense of smell).

And, when all that fails.  I remind myself that I believe in the miracles that got us this far and trust that our miracle is only just beginning.

Giving Thanks for the Weekend (and ICLW)!

Well, thankfully, the weekend finally game...and, even better, I SURVIVED!  This was one of the toughest weeks I've had in awhile.  And, while the vast majority of the stressful things this week were non-IF related, I was stunned at how much IF crept it's way in.

The biggest stressor of this week was the whole job interview craziness.  Besides the fact that everyone already knew who would get the job, it really was a great opportunity for me to get some face time with the VP and just all around good experience.  I knew that from the beginning.  When I really dug deep to figure out why I was so opposed to applying for the exposure and good experience, despite knowin ghow it would end, it came down to IF, in a roundabout sort of way.

In our TTC/IF world, we're almost guaranteed a "no" every month.  That roller coaster of emotions is taxing enough, even when you know how it's going to end.  So, here I was in a similar, yet entirely different situation, and I didn't know if I could sign up for yet another guaranteed "no".  I just didn't know if there was enough emotional space leftover where the IF left off. 

In the end, I'm glad I applied and went through the charade.  It was a worthwhile experience, even though I still have no doubt that M will get the job.  I'm ok with it.  And, I even ended up decide to go see Twilight on Thursday night after all!  Adrenaline kept me going all day until after the interview.  It was a win-win, in the end.

Should find out, officially, which of us got the job early next week.  Not that it will be a surprise, but at least I won't have to wonder, even a little bit, over the Thanksgiving holiday.  As much as last week was awful with all the stress and drama, at least it was ultimately short-lived!

-------------------------------------------

So, this week, I'm thankful for this weekend to regroup and the Thanksgiving weekend to reconnect with family!  I'm also thankful for all of you, my ICLW friends.  How lucky we are that ICLW falls on Thanksgiving week!  Very fitting, if you ask me!

The first half of this post has a very good intro on our story.  And, here's the quick recap on what's happened since then.  We've seen slight improvements in Hubby's morphology (from 0% to 2%), but the overall, everything is still pretty low.  All of our bloodwork is done, including my AMH results that show borderline normal ovarian reserve.  I had a hysteroscopy that revealed a uterus that would (hopefully) accept an ET wonderfully.  Next up, and the last (hopefully) of the diagnostics is Hubby's 5th SA which will include DNA fragmentation testing on 11/25.  Last time it took seven (!) days to get morphology results back from the lab.  I'm really hoping it doesn't take that long this time, but just in case, I scheduled our follow-up consultation at the RE for 12/3. 

My hope is that we'll have an official treatment plan as of a week from Thanksgiving!  I'll be giving thanks for that, as well!  I'm beyond ready to finally feel like we have a shot at this.  We're planning on starting with some IUI cycles, despite the odds, while we save up for an IVF clinical trial that will hopefully be happening at our clinic later in 2010. 

So, that's our story.  Thank you for stopping by!  I truly am thankful for all of you and I'm looking forward to reading all of your stories over the next few days!

It's IComLeavWe Time Again!

WOW!  It seems like we were just here!  Where did last month go?  So much has happened since last IComLeavWe and so much is right on the verge.  Here's a quick recap of the big events of last month for us (and, if your brand new, here's an intro post to bring you up to speed!):

1. We sold our house in MN after 17 months on the market (after our move to Texas for work last year)!  Such a relief...and it feels like we can finally move on with the next chapter, which is hopefully our family.
2. Tamoxifen and Arimidex definitely improved DH's SA!  We saw increases in both count and motility!
3. We're officially in the countdown to the RE....SIX days and counting!  Thanks so much to the ladies who submitted their RE stories and advice.  So very helpfu!  Feel free to add yours as well!
4. Today was CD1 of Cycle #8.  Boooo!  It's not as if AF's arrival was a surprise, but it sucks nonetheless.  I'm doing ok, though...see #3 and say it with me: "I NEED A PLAN" and, luckily, that plan (or at least the beginnings of a real plan) are a mere six days away.

I'm looking forward to either getting to know for the first time or just a little better this month!  IComLeavWe is the perfect way to cheer me up and make sure the next six days fly by!  Thanks so much for clicking over!

Welcome IComLeavWe'ers!

Just a quick post this morning for September's IComLeavWe kick-off! 

A bit about us...
DH and I are on TTC Cycle #6, though it feels much longer.  Our TTC journey began in January 2009, but was put on hold until I could have exploratory laparoscopy in March.  One adhesion was removed, no endometriosis found.  Great news, but we knew that we weren't out of the woods yet.  We hadn't even begun to explore possible fertility issues on DH's side.

We officially began TTC in March.  We set a date...if we weren't pregnant by month 4 we'd get an SA.  I know that seems really early to a lot of people.  But, we knew to start looking early since it took the in-laws many years to conceive due to MFI.  The fourth cycle came and went without a BFP.  We did get our first SA results this cycle though...

Answers are good.  They get you one step closer to your goal.  But, that doesn't mean they're easy to hear.  Our SA results definitely fit that mold!  Count is low, motility is low and morphology is 0% normal.  This is DH's first month on Tamoxifen/Arimidex combo that Dr. B hopes will improve the numbers.  We'll find out if we're making any progress at our next appointment on October 2.

What to expect during IComLeavWe...
Last week I was and Disney World for "business."  I dutifully went to my conference from 7-5 Mon-Wed, but spent every evening at a Disney park.  I have a problem...if Disney is open, I can't sleep.  So, I came back exhausted and sore beyond belief, but I had a BLAST (And learned a lot at my conference, too ;-).  I'm hoping to posts my trip report, including pictures this week.  Probably less TTC-related posts than distraction-related posts for the next few days!

That said, AF is due any day, so I'm quite certain there will be a TTC post or two (or three) scattered in!  I hope you enjoy you visit to Our Someday Family!  Please pull up a chair and stay awhile.  And, don't forget to say "HI!" while you're here!

ICLW August: Intro & Call for Questions

Welcome ICLW'ers (otherwise known as IComLeavWe)!!  So glad you found your way over!  Here's a little bit about us and the tightrope we currently find ourselves walking.  We recently found out that hubby has low everything: count, volume, motility and 0% normal morphology.  That last bit is obviously the most disconcerting.  Thanks to Murgdan's super spiffy blog (best of luck today, btw!), I believe this is called oligoastenoteratozoospermia, but we'll find out for sure next week. 

Hubby also suffers from chronic depression.  The catch there is that when the meds are working well, life is almost "normal."  Of course, it is highly likely that those same meds are causing our MFI problem in whole or in part.  Going off the meds is a non-option.  Changing them considerably is an almost equal non-option. So, I'm not really sure where that leaves us.  We've been waiting about a month for the first urologist appointment, but I'm happy to say that it's almost here!  8/25 can't get here fast enough, because I'm driving myself crazy in the meantime!

So ICLW'ers, I have a question(s) for you.  I know that many of you have dealt with MFI and I appreciate your "been there, done that" expertise.  What questions should we ask at the first appointment?  What should we expect to hear/have done? 

(By the way, the hand read to catch the wavering tightrope walker in the picture above represents all of you....my dear online friends (from the blogosphere and iV.  I'm so very grateful to have each of you in my life.  I learn and gain strength from you every single day! Thank you for offering your experiences and insights in such honest and vulnerable ways!  Cheesy? Maybe.  True? YES!)
(pic from: http://zfginc.com/tightrope.jpg)