Believing

Feeling much better today...more hopeful.  I'm much more able to believe that this is really happening today than I was yesterday.  After our October appointment, I felt hope at first, but then quickly started to feel like we couldn't really make it happen.  Since then, we've realized that this opportunity has been placed before us for a reason and we need to make the most of it.  The "what ifs" if we don't at least try to work out the financial aspects, so that we can take place in the study, will likely eat us alive.  At least if we try all the avenues and hit dead-ends, we will know that there is another path on the horizon that is meant for us.

I wrote a few days ago about my necklace.  Even before yesterday's appointment, it was a great source of hope and support for me.  Now, it is even more so.  It's a constant reminder to believe...believe it's real, believe it can happen, believe in our family feeling whole again. 

So, my new mission is to 1) lose the last few pounds, and 2) BELIEVE!  There is wonder in positive thinking.  I'm determined to harness it.  I've been researching sample IVF calendars today.  I found this online IVF cycle calculator that says that we may be looking at an egg retrieval as early as 3/5/10.  Three months from today, we could be a few short days from our very first BFP!  And, nine months away from having the ultimate gift to give thanks for...our Thanksgiving baby(ies)! 

My brain struggles to imagine what the feelings that accompany those events might feel like, and yet I can see them in my minds-eye, too.  I can imagine a highchair or two at our Thanksgiving table next year...a stocking or two extra on the mantle at Christmastime.  As scary as it is to let go of this distance I've put between myself and those wonderful imaginings, I feel like believing that they are truly possible is of paramount importance right now.

I'm still feeling overwhelmed, nervous, even a bit scared.  But, I am hopeful, and the hope is building.  We are prepared to walk down this path and now it is my job to believe that it can happen...believe that the many pieces yet to fall into place will do so.  Right now, believing is my biggest role to play. 

My first mission is to lose 7 more pounds (annoyingly, I called the clinic today and they want me to lose a total of 10 pounds versus the 7 or 8 they said last time).  Believing that we really can make this happen, and that it really can result in a baby at the end, is a key component in making that weight loss happen in the short timeframe it needs to occur.

For me, today, belief and hope win out!

Hug and Make Up

I'm behind...so much to say this week to get the blog caught up!  Let's start where I left off.  We do a lot of hugghing in my family.  It's not like we hug before leave the house; more like we hug before we leave a room.  The last time I purposely ignored my mom for longer than a few hours was probably when I was nine years old.  Last week I made it 2 days.

In the end, neither of us could stand it anymore.  And, as I imagined, it was mostly a misunderstanding.  Mostly.  To be fair, I think that Mom really does just see things a bit differently than us.  Though she thinks the clinical trial sort of gives us a pass on her rule, she also thinks that only a year of trying is probably too soon to be asking anyone for help.  Some of you may agree.  And, that's ok.  But, on this point we're all just going to have to agree to disagree.  Our point on the subject is the same as some of you that commented on the last post...delaying the first IVF try only decreases the odds.  The longer we wait, the more likely that the problems were facing increase (my AMH/FSH, for example...which we're still waiting on the results of).  We're also looking at it a bit like "what's the worst that could happen from asking?" especially when such wonderful things possibly come as a result of asking. 

I guess it just comes down to that we're not going to let pride get in the way of starting our family.  That's not to say that we take it lightly or that asking comes easy.  We don't and it doesn't.

So, just to be clear.  My mom is not like the many other people in our lives right now who doesn't get it and doesn't try.  Mom tries and most of the time she gets it right.  She just happened to be having a really bad day on the same day that I was having a pretty darn bad day.  It happens...and we cut the people we love some slack because 99.9% of the time they get it right.  Love you Mom!

Marla...to answer your question on this clinical trial I keep talking about, here's the info.  Our RE is currently the only one in the Metroplex participating in IVF trials.  The one they're currently accepting patients for is testing a subcutaneous version of progesterone for after the ET.  Because it's testing the progesterone and not the stims, the discount isn't huge, but it's enough to make it worth our while.  Two minor catches...1) The trial is wrapping up in the next "few" months (no one can really say when because it's at the drug company's discretion); 2) I have to lose 7-8 pounds in short order for us to secure our spot...assuming we can pay for it in the first place.

Wacky Wednesday Hodge Podge

Some thoughts...

Thanks for the comments about yesterday's post. I agree with you on taking care of the hormonal issues first. That makes the best sense. I've just seen so much mixed info on the varicocele repair, that I'm not putting much stock in that. And I'm grateful that the doc isn't pushing it too heavily (yet). I'll definitely be picking up Dr. Silber's book "How to Get Pregnant" this weekend(thanks Murgdan for the recommendation!)!

Clinical trial update...
I called about the clinical trial just to get the information. I feel better knowing what all of our options are! The current clinical trial doesn't work for us. However, they have a new one beginning in January that will likely offer a much better discount. No word on inclusion/exclusion criteria yet, though. Will be keeping fingers crossed that, if we still need this option, we qualify in January! That timing works out great for us anyway. Long enough to get some of hubby's issues worked out (hopefully) and a few more months to save.

Crafty circle update...

Still looking for one more participant in the crafty circle/craft-o-rama! Check it out here...

(Thanks for the awesome pic Suzy!! Check out her awesome blog Not a Fertile Myrtle!)