It's (Almost) Really Happening!

This is really beginning to feel real...that we might actually be starting IVF #1 this time next month.  Next month...January!  Seriously!  Thanks to my "I can't even begin to describe how wonderful they are" in-laws, our remaining financial concerns surrounding the IVF prepayment have been solved.  I seriously can't even begin to describe how blessed and loved I feel right now...that Hubby's parents feel so strongly about us being able to start our family that they're willing to support it in such a generous way; that these people who I'm not related to by blood have always treated me as if I was born to be a part of their family.  I never feel like the "daughter-in-law" the way I hear so many other people describe it. 

There is no stigma attached to "mother-in-law" or "father-in-law" in our family either.  I use the labels to help others understand the relationships, but I don't say it with disdain and I correct people when they assume the worst.  In fact, so many people seem amazed (or aghast) when they hear that Hubby's dad is living with us for while the ILs are mid-relocation.  Truth be told, though, I'll be sad to see him go.  He goes out of his way to make our lives easier.  And, I know that we're lucky to be able to share this extra time with him.  His relationship with Hubby is stronger than ever and I know we also have this transition time to thank.  I'm fully aware that this kind of in-law relationship is a rarity, and I plan to never take it for granted!

Of course, now that we know for sure that we can actually pay for IVF #1, the one remaining obstacle falls squarely on me...me and my remaining 3.5 pounds, that is!  I hit a bit of a plateau the first half of this week.  FIL, who also used to be a personal trainer, quizzed about what I had been eating and my exercise program.  As it turned out, he thought I needed to mix it up a bit more, so I started doing some Ji.llian Mich.chaels workouts (of Big.gest L.oser fame).  OMG!  Seriously, they're killer...but WOW do they work.  I started those workouts on Wednesday and, after sitting still on the scales for three days, I dropped another 2.5 pounds as of today.  So, only 3.5 to go!  That seems totally doable by next week.

Next week!?  Next week, I will hopefully be signing the trial consent form for our first IVF cycle!  I'm struggling a bit with how I should feel about this, because, truthfully, I mostly feel excited.  But, I'm also completely aware of the fact (and keep reminding Hubby) that IVF #1 may not work for us.  I don't want either of us to look at it as a sure thing.  But, I do want us to fill ourselves with the belief that it could happen.  And, not only that it could, but that there are strong odds in our favor. 

I haven't figured out how to temper my excitement at the chance, the first real chance, IVF #1 provides us with nervousness I feel about the negative "what ifs."  I'm by no means seeing it as a sure thing.  My excitement doesn't come from that place.  It comes from the fact that I want a shot at this.  I want a shot at starting our family and this clinical trial is our best shot. 

I'm also still in a bit of shock and disbelief at how the saying "everything happens for a reason" is coming true in our lives.  That we would have gotten the answers we needed when we did and ended up receiving the IVF recommendation right on the tail end of this trial, but still with enough time to take part, is amazing in and of itself.  That we waited as long as we did (until after our move South) to start TTC and ended up being here, with access to the trial, when we need it most is equally amazing.  Then, there's the fact that the trial was supposed to end in October but has been extended, for unknown reasons, just long enough for us to take part.  Or last, but certainly not least, that those we love (and who love us) were so supportive that they were willing to help us make the last pieces of the puzzle together.  None of this is lost on me. 

For years, I was ready to TTC and Hubby wasn't.  He had good reasons and I understood them...I just didn't necessarily like them.  Looking back, though, it all makes sense.  I feel confident that this was the path that was always meant for us.  I fought it for much too long, because I struggle so much with the unknown.  Perhaps our TTC/IF journey is God's way of finally teaching me to trust His path.  That's a message I've been hearing for awhile, but I've struggled to learn.  Now I get it.  And so, I trust that the trial will not close before I can lose this last 3.5 pounds or before my cycle starts mid-January.  And, I will continue to believe that, no matter the results, there's a reason for the journey (though that may be the most difficult part if the results aren't what we hope for).

Sorry for the long and rambling post (and I'm aware that many of my posts are long, they're just not usually this all over the place...at least I hope they're not!).  My thoughts are definitely a bit jumbled right now.  Excitement and nerves all bundled up in my brain looking for a place to escape!  And, I guess my blog was it!  I'm admittedly not sure how I should feel, because right now I continue to feel like Christmas has come a bit early this year.  I suspect that the true weight of this may hit me when we sign the consent, and even more so when I've got protocol in hand.  But, excitement at the chance seems an appropriate feeling in this moment, so I'm going to keep riding the positive energy as long as I can!

Limbo

Nothing much new here, except that limbo-land is about to drive me crazy. And, this is where Hubby would get his "short drive" sarcastic jab in. We always joke that "it takes one to know one." His family's sarcastic sense of humor was so foreign to me when I first met them. Sarcasm was just not very prevalent in my family growing up. Now, I've gotten pretty good at the sarcastic responses, though. I think I learned from the best! :-)

Anyway, so...limbo-land.....
Waiting on these last five pounds (which is proving to be a bit more difficult this week).
Waiting in the 2ww.
Waiting on the IVF financing discussions.
Waiting on BFF to be induced on 12/14...Hubby's birthday, no less.
Waiting on AF which is also due on 12/14.

I'll be writing about that last one a bit more later this week, I think, because I can't seem to shake it. Back in March, the likelihood of their baby being born on Hubby's birthday was brought up as a happy occurrence. Now, it somehow just seems like an ironic, cruel reminder. And now that AF is also due on 12/14...we'll that just takes the cake!

The relationship with BFF remains strained. And, though I feel that I've done all I can and am comfortable with where we are (seasons, as it were), the pain remains, to some extent, because she is apparently much less comfortable with where we are. It's a frustrating place we find ourselves in. I don't think that we can "fix" it, though, no matter how hard we try. I think it requires time and space. I just realized that last week, though, and I don't think she's there yet. Her whole life changes next week and I think (hope) that all of this will seem a bit less serious to her after that.

So, we're just waiting here...lots of waiting. I'm not very good at waiting...or perhaps it's just the "patiently" waiting part that I'm not so good at!

Halfway There!

Pounds Lost: 5
Pounds to Go: 5
(Wait a minute...You're probably thinking, "Didn't she only have 7 pounds to lose?"  So I thought!  But, I called the clinic to get an update on the status of the trial and now they want me to lose 10-11.  So be it...I can do it!)
Amount of water per day: 4 liters (at least)
Exercise per day: 45min-1hr
Exercise equipment of choice: Stationary bike
Food plan staples: Fullbars, Sl.im-Fast (or store brands now that there's a recall), Deli turkey, Soup, and FRUIT (instead of sweets)!
Challenges this week: Christmas parties (!!) and Hubby's birthday (we usually go to The Melting Pot!!)

So, I'm halfway there and feeling good about the progress!  I'm nervous about the upcoming Christmas parties, though.  I'd rather have the weight gone and have to worry about maintaining or losing a errant pound then worry about losing the original weight plus an extra pound or two.  I'll have to be on my very best behavior this week...and I may see if Hubby minds if we move his Melting Pot celebration to the weekend following his birthday in hopes that I can get to the clinic to sign the paperwork (and do the requisite weigh-in) next week.  We'll see.  This is one week I'm definitely grateful for strong incentives to help my willpower!

Hubby and I worked out some of the financial numbers last night and have a plan for the financing.  We're hoping that gets confirmed by the end of the week.  The sooner, the better as far as my psyche goes...I'm on pins and needles.  However, we're both really beginning to feel like this IS actually happening.  Hubby even said yesterday that "it was beginning to feel real" to him.  We're nervous about the same things (the money, the emotional and physical toll, the chance that it doesn't work), but hope for our family trumps those things.

We spent Saturday celebrating the first birthday of friends' twin boys.  I met this friend and another who was also at the party via iV message boards.  In many ways they share similar stories to our own.  One dealt with MFI and required ICSI.  The other battled low ovarian reserve and required IVF.  Despite having only known these ladies in real-life for a relatively short time, we felt that we already knew each other so well.  And, it's amazing how supportive women who've already been down this path can be.  I'm grateful for their insight (and yours)!  And, for the hope that they give us.  It's hard to not look at those handsome twin boys and not be filled with hope!

We had a wonderful weekend in almost every way!

Believing

Feeling much better today...more hopeful.  I'm much more able to believe that this is really happening today than I was yesterday.  After our October appointment, I felt hope at first, but then quickly started to feel like we couldn't really make it happen.  Since then, we've realized that this opportunity has been placed before us for a reason and we need to make the most of it.  The "what ifs" if we don't at least try to work out the financial aspects, so that we can take place in the study, will likely eat us alive.  At least if we try all the avenues and hit dead-ends, we will know that there is another path on the horizon that is meant for us.

I wrote a few days ago about my necklace.  Even before yesterday's appointment, it was a great source of hope and support for me.  Now, it is even more so.  It's a constant reminder to believe...believe it's real, believe it can happen, believe in our family feeling whole again. 

So, my new mission is to 1) lose the last few pounds, and 2) BELIEVE!  There is wonder in positive thinking.  I'm determined to harness it.  I've been researching sample IVF calendars today.  I found this online IVF cycle calculator that says that we may be looking at an egg retrieval as early as 3/5/10.  Three months from today, we could be a few short days from our very first BFP!  And, nine months away from having the ultimate gift to give thanks for...our Thanksgiving baby(ies)! 

My brain struggles to imagine what the feelings that accompany those events might feel like, and yet I can see them in my minds-eye, too.  I can imagine a highchair or two at our Thanksgiving table next year...a stocking or two extra on the mantle at Christmastime.  As scary as it is to let go of this distance I've put between myself and those wonderful imaginings, I feel like believing that they are truly possible is of paramount importance right now.

I'm still feeling overwhelmed, nervous, even a bit scared.  But, I am hopeful, and the hope is building.  We are prepared to walk down this path and now it is my job to believe that it can happen...believe that the many pieces yet to fall into place will do so.  Right now, believing is my biggest role to play. 

My first mission is to lose 7 more pounds (annoyingly, I called the clinic today and they want me to lose a total of 10 pounds versus the 7 or 8 they said last time).  Believing that we really can make this happen, and that it really can result in a baby at the end, is a key component in making that weight loss happen in the short timeframe it needs to occur.

For me, today, belief and hope win out!