Reality Sets In

I'm pretty sure we've been living in a dream world. Or, I have anyay...and Hubby? Well, he's been living in a "don't won't to hurt her feelings, just want her to be happy...at any cost" world.

I think it's a symptom of Hubby's depression; he often spends money and/or avoids dealing with money situations when he's feeling particularly bad. In reality, I've known that for awhile, but I trusted that he could handle it. That was my dream world. I should have been more involved from the beginning. And, even though, we often talk about a more team approach, we relatively quickly end up retreating to our comfortable roles instead. Now, I even wonder if we should abandon the team approach to our finances and just have me be the point person (and idea rhat really scares me).

We should be older and wiser by now. We should have figured all of this out before now. We've been at the brink before and managed to survive, but I can't say we came out unscathed. However, the sad part is that apparently we never learned the right lessons. So, sure we were trying to sell our house for 17 months and did a massive cross-country move last year. I guess, some financial unrest would be understandable. And, if it had all started there, it would be one thing. But, the problems are old...and we don't appear to be any wiser. I guess the first part of our path to wisdom is admitting that there's a problem. But, beyond that, we're definitely not any wiser yet.

How does this all relate to IF? As you might imagine, despite Hubby's glowing reassurances that we'd find a way to pay for the IVF trial if it was what I wanted to do (and don't even get me started on that choice of words), the truth is that we can't. Or, that we'd be crazy to, to be more accurate. I'm not against a natural IUI in January/February (thanks to my new treatment insurance for next year), but anything beyond that seems ill-advised at the moment (and even that seems less than wise, except for the emotional gain of feeling like we've got a few more percentage points chance that month).

We've got to figure out how to dig out of this whole we've created for ourselves first. When it comes our finances, I'm generally over-pessimistic, but Hubby is WAY over-optimistic. The fact is that despite his reassurances, I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel, at least not any time soon. Hopefully it's not really as bad as all that, but we certainly are way overdue for learning some valuable spending and budgeting lessons.

So, I'm not sure where this really leaves us treatment-wise. We're moving ahead with my hysteroscopy on Friday. I suspect that the 5th SA and follow-up with the RE are all still on, as well. But, beyond that (and maybe some natural IUIs), we may have to hold off for a bit. I'm just not sure if "a bit" is a month or two...or more.  And, I really dislike that unknown.

It's a precarious balance..."all the ducks in a row before the babymaking begins."  Or, "start the family and the rest will follow."  I'm just not sure what that balance looks like for us anymore.

It was a day.

And, not exactly a banner day either.  I had one of those moments where you get mad at the world for the fact that you're having to pay mega bucks for even a chance at having a baby when so much of the rest of the world can do it free and relatively easily.  Breakdown #1. 

Then, I also had that moment when maybe you wish you hadn't really told your mom about IF.  That's probably not entirely true, because I know this is just a misunderstanding that we'll work out...but I NEVER in a million years expected to hear my mom say, "You shouldn't ask for helping paying for IVF because you don't really have to have a baby right now." (And, I wasn't even asking her...asking anyone, for that matter.  It was just at the general idea that we may need to ask ILs at some point.)  Breakdown #2.

Ok, there is admittedly some truth in what she says.  No one has stuck a gun to our heads and said that we must do IVF in the next few months.  That much is true.  The rest is debatable, though.  And the tone and insinuation, from someone who had two kids by my age (and though had lots of endo problems before and toxemia problems during, had no actual trouble getting pregnant either time!), sent me over the edge!  Depending on the day, my mom is either the second most (behind Hubby) or most (if Hubby's having an off day) understanding person in my life.  For us to be this far apart on something really hurts.

Given the fact that we just went through the whole MN house debacle, some help from family (though, obviously not mine) will likely be necessary to come up with the pre-payment amount for the trial.  For the record, that's not to say that we can't afford it, but paying in full up front does seem different to me than paying as you go or a payment plan.  The latter two we could do without a problem, but may not be available to us due to the trial....hence the possible need for help. 

Besides, it occurred to me after the whole "shouldn't ask for help" line that if we had accidentally gotten pregnant years ago, or even now for that matter, I suspect there would have been help if we needed it.  Happy accidents aren't an option for us.  Double standard, much? 

Bottom line is that I don't want to ask for help.  I wish we didn't need to...I wish we didn't need to pay mega bucks for the freakin' chance alone.  And, now we're back to Breakdown #1.

Treatment Plan Update:
-  Still waiting on AMH results.
-  Hysteroscopy scheduled for November 13.
-  Ate well today and took TWO walks with the dogs tonight.  One day down, 8 more pounds to go before we qualify for the trial.....