Hibernation

So, I feel like a bear, except rather than hibernating through the winter, I'm hibernating through the first trimester.  I pretty much sleep, work, eat, and sleep.  I haven't been doing a great job of keeping in touch with anyone in real life or otherwise, as you can plainly see by the lack of recent posts here.  I guess there just hasn't been a ton too exciting to say..."sleep, work, eat, sleep" doesn't leave much room for exciting news.  On top of that, I'm transitioning to a new job at work, so it just exacerbates the sleep part of my routine!

However, there are some new developments this week, so I thought it warranted a post.  This past weekend, we shared the baby news with our extended family at a much belated Christmas celebration.  We normally draw names and just each do one gift for that person.  We did that, but then also had a special gift for everyone...bottles with sonogram pictures inside!  We had everyone open their gift bags at the end of the gift exchange.  It was a huge hit and a giant surprise!  I had a hunch that a couple of them already had a clue something was up.  Turned out no one had any inkling!  It was so much fun!  My cousins, who are more like sisters, are very excited to be aunts soon!

The other news is that I'm fairly confident that we heard the Beaker's heartbeat on the doppler last night.  K let us borrow her doppler, but held off giving it to us until 10 weeks because she new (rightfully so) that I'd obsess if we didn't hear anything.  I had originally intended to wait until closer to next Friday's appointment just in case I freaked out.  But, I just couldn't hold out any longer...especially after I read that 95% of women hear a heartbeat in the 10th week.  Yesterday was 10 weeks, 2 days.  Surely we wouldn't fall in the 5%, right?

Hubby is convinced that we heard the heartbeat, and I am 99% certain, as well.  Two weeks ago at the RE, baby's heartbeat was 164.  Last night, we were able to find a 160bpm heartbeat 4 or 5 times in the same general vicinity right above my pelvic bone on the right side.  The confusing part, though, was that it's SO easy to find your own heartbeat that it makes you second guess things.  It was especially difficult to find Beaker because I think he/she settled in near an artery.  So, we could find a steady 160 for a few seconds, but when baby moved, it would turn back into my heartbeat instead.  Makes it kind of easy to second guess.  However, the fact that we were able to consistently find 160 in the same area...I believe it was definitely Beaker! 

It was fun trying out the doppler last night.  Hubby was very sweet...he's actually the one that brought the box in and said "let's see what Beaker has to say."  Albeit, I had suggested that I'd like to try earlier in the day, but it certainly didn't require any reminders.  And, he was intent on being the one to use the wand to try to find him.  Very sweet!

So, we have no reason to assume that everything isn't going wonderfully down there!  One week from today is our first official prenatal with the OB.  It's only been two-and-a-half weeks since the last RE appointment, but it feels like an eternity.  I'm definitely ready for the next appointment!  In the meantime, I'm going to head back into my cave for another week of hibernation!

Beautiful Sound!

It's amazing how much Beaker had grown in two short weeks...looked more like a baby and less like a bean! :-) There was a very prominent head and definite arm buds. The angle made it a bit hard to see leg buds, but they were there, as well.

The most amazing part, though, was hearing the heartbeat. I don't think I was at all prepared for what that would feel like. At our last appointment, the RE turned the audio on and we could hear rumbling and a mix of noises, but our untrained ears weren't precise enough to detect the baby's heartbeat from noise. The RE could hear it, and the machine could count it...and that was enough for me that week.  This time, though, it was clear as day. 

I about lost it at that moment!  Even more than first seeing a baby blob on the screen last time, I was struck by the wonder and awe of the fact that it wasn't my heartbeat that I was hearing. For the first time in my life, there was a heart beating inside me that wasn't my own. It was truly amazing. And, though it felt oh so real before...and my symptoms don't let me forget it...it feels all the more real after hearing that strong, healthy 164bpm heartbeat!  The baby is measuring 8w2d and we've officially graduated from the RE. Our first OB appointment is on 2/5! 

I'm nervous before every ultrasound, and I imagine that's normal.  I was slightly less nervous before this one than the last time, probably normal, as well.  I know that we're by no means out of the woods yet...and I'm reminded of that regularly on blogs and iV when I read about women who had a healthy 6/7/8 week heartbeat and then nothing at the next appointment.  I will feel more comfortable when we can hear the baby on the doppler at home.  And yet, I feel strangely confident that all is well and that all will be well with our baby and this pregnancy.  I'm grateful for that confidence today and hope that it remains as strong as Beaker's heartbeat until our next appointment in early-February!

Still Alive!

Wow!  It's been almost 2 weeks since I last posted!  I wish I had some fabulous excuse, but I don't.  Well, unless sleeping is a decent excuse! I'll do my best to get you all caught up...

I definitely have morning sickness that's more of "all day sickness," but it never actually results in throwing up.  For that I'm grateful.  And, yet, it also makes me feel like a gigantic wimp because I know that I could feel much worse than I actually do at this point!  I guess I'd call my current feeling a mix of a cold, flu and constant seasickness.  It's just really draining, though I'm grateful for it.  The best answer would be lots of sleep, but I've been having some pretty significant low back pain (which I assume is related, though I also would've thought that it was too early for back pain?) that has made sleeping soundly a bit difficult.  The result of this combination is that I generally walk around in a spacey fog! 

My laptop AC adapter died early last week. When I plug it in now, it just emits a high pitched buzzing noise. I figure that's a pretty bad sign. And, since I have no intention of burning the house down, I haven't tried it further. We have a desktop at home, as well, but I have little interest in sitting at the desk in the office at the end of the day. Luckily, a new one should be on order today. Once my laptop is back to its fully functional status, my posting (and commenting) should be back to normal, too.

Food cravings and aversions...this one has been kind of bizarre.  I haven't gotten sick, so it's weird to me that some things sound so revolting that I fear that would make me sick.  And, some of those now revolting things are perfectly usual things I used to eat in abundance.  My diet for the last week has pretty much consisted of bland white things.  In fact, I've had at least one baked potato a day for probably the last seven days!  Fruit sounds extremely good; anything overly sweet sounds awful.  I haven't had any meat in a week, either.  No appetite for it at all.  Oh, and the most bizarre....I want absolutely nothing to do with chocolate!  That's insanity!

On Friday night, I ordered linguini with marinara from O.live G.arden and DH picked it up on his way home.  When he got home, though, it turned out that they had given him someone else's order...chicken parmesan.  It sounded and looked absolutely revolting!  I called to ask if they could make my original order and we'd be in shortly to pick it up.  They threw in a free dessert for our trouble.  I said anything but chocolate and the server suggested lemon creme cake.  I had a bite Friday night and it was delicious.  However, it's still sitting in the fridge.  Absolutely bizarre!

Our next (and hopefully last) appointment at the RE is on Wednesday.  I also finally got my first regular OB appointment scheduled last week.  It'll be on February 5. 

I think that the all-over-the-place nature of this post is a brilliant example of the current "spaciness!"  Please bear with me...coherent posts will hopefully resume soon!

Beautiful Sight!

I was a ridiculous bundle of nerves all day.  I tried to sleep most of our four hour car ride home, but the butterflies that had invaded my tummy made that a near impossibility.  By the time we made it to the clinic, my hands were shaking.  I felt like I was either going to be sick or hyperventilate as I changed and assumed the position.  (As it turned out, that "going to be sick" feeling has been with me the whole day, so I have a feeling it's a bit more related to "morning" sickness than nerves!)

Once the RE joined us in the u/s room, it was right down to business.  In hardly no time at all, we saw my uterus.  Shortly thereafter we saw the yolk sac.  For a second, all the awful thoughts raced through my head again.  But, a few clicks and a zoom or two later, and I heard the RE say that there was a healthy heartbeat there.  She asked if we could see it, but it took me a few seconds to both comprehend what she was saying and find a gap in between thre stream of tears! 

Beaker's little heartbeat was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.  At 6wks1day it was 114 beats per minute.  The RE says that's a great number for our timeline!  We saw both the black and gray flicker and the blood flow "map" of red and blue colors.  Just beautiful!  We're in total awe of the little life growing inside me.  It feels simultaneously all the more real and surreal! 

Our next appointment with the RE is in two weeks (at 8wks) and then we'll get released to my OB.  We had the option of going straight to the OB, but I had a feeling that we'd miss a chance to see Beaker if we did, so we opted to do the one last appointment with the RE before moving on. 

I know that we're by no means out of the woods yet.  That point was made all too painfully today when one of my online friends went in for her 8 week ultrasound after seeing a healthy heartbeat at 6 weeks only to find that the baby had stopped growing.  High risk factors or not, it doesn't change the sadness or the sense of caution.  And yet, I have such a sense of relief that we've past this first huge hurdle.  Beaker has a strong, healthy heartbeat.  One day at a time...but, for today, all is well and beautiful in our world!

Finally Here!

In less than 24hrs we'll be at the clinic for our first u/s!  I had begun to think I'd never be able to say that it was finally here!  We've had a wonderful time in Arkansas with the fam, but I'm ready to go home.  Well, it's not so much that I'm ready to go home...I'd stay longer if it weren't for the u/s.  But, I'm so very ready for the u/s!

I've run both scenarios through my head all day...the happy, healthy heartbeat...or the emptiness.  I made a comment to my mom that if she got a call from me, it was good news.  But, if it was a call from Hubby, that probably meant bad news.  Hubby shushed me before I could even get the sentence out.  I just haven't been able to not think about the bad news scenario today.  I guess I felt like I had to think it through just long enough to be prepared.  Sillly, really, because there's no level of preparedness for news like that.

So, we head home in the morning.  There's some snow in the forecast for here and some icy mix in the forecast for TX.  We're leaving with plenty of time to spare, but it could be a slightly interesting trip home.  My grandparents called yesterday, all concerned after watching the weather, suggesting that we change our plans.  We lived in Minnesota for five years.  A dusting of ice and snow in Arkansas and Texas doesn't compare.  Needless to say, no changing of plans happened.  We will be extra careful, though, of course.

This time tomorrow, we'll have seen Beaker for the first time!

Post-Christmas Catch-Up

I'm behind again...behind with posting and commenting.  Will be trying to catch up on ICLW comments today!

First of all, a belated Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays to everyone!  I drove home from Arkansas to Missouri on Christmas Eve.  Snow to my North, West and South; rain in between.  Luckily, I seemed to be just behind or ahead of the worst of everything and managed to only have to drive through what amounted to a heavy sprinkle most of the way.  This was really my first solo roadtrip and I was pretty proud of myself for having handled it all so well.  I was also really grateful to be done with all the driving, since Hubby will be driving us back to Dallas on Wednesday!  For those of you that were wondering about when I got any downtime-- no worries.  I really never got out of my PJs the one full day I was in Missouri and since I got to Arkansas, I've slept in late and taken plenty of naps.  I was extremely tired after all that driving, but I'm doing my best to get caught up!

It's family tradition here to spend Christmas Eve with my grandparents.  This year was no exception.  And, we'd also been waiting for this occassion to share the news of their first great grandchild.  We put this picture in a pretty "baby" picture frame for them to open:

They were ecstatic.  A few tears; lots of congratulations and plenty of stories of when my dad and uncle were born.  My granparents also showed us where they had saved all of the Golden and other books from when my dad, brother and I were kids.  Our baby will start off with a very nice classic book collection!

Next up, was Christmas morning.  Hubby totally blew me away with a beautiful Mother & Child pendant...and I know that may seem a bit odd, but it's totally in keeping with how we're choosing to celebrate each day with Beaker; no matter what happens, we are parents now.  In fact, Hubby polled a few of our close friends and family on if this gift was a good idea.  The reaction was 50/50, but I'm glad Hubby went with his gut on this one...he knows me so well! 

Since then, there has been plenty of rest and relaxation, with a fair amount of worry mixed in for good measure.  My symptoms have been progressing, though still no morning sickness.  The boobs are terribly sore and that uber sense of smell thing has been taken to extremes!  Audrey happened to step just right on my tummy this morning resulting in a bit of pain.  That freaked me out a bit, but my mom reminded me that the uterus is built much stronger than that.  I know she's right, but I'd rather do without the stuff that amps up my worry meter!  In fact, I went to the book store to buy one of those "pregncy day-by-day" books and left the store empty handed, because a brief scan through the pages just gave me more to worry about than I thought I really needed.

We're just a few short days from our first u/s now, though!  Today is 5 weeks and 5 days.  I believe, despite the intermittent--sometimes stronger than others--worry, that Beaker is doing just fine.  We're looking forward to seeing that flickering little heartbeat by this time Wednesday!

Mind Over Matter (and ICLW)

****Pregnancy Mentioned****

What a month!  So much has changed since the last time we met for ICLW!  When I registered for ICLW a month ago, I would never have imagined that I'd be pregnant now!  I had come to believe that I could be writing from this perspective in March or April after our first cycle of IVF, but a miracle BFP the very same month the RE gave us less than 1% odds of a natural pregnancy?  Never! 

Given that when I registered for December ICLW, I had no idea what was in store, I want to be sure that I put it out there now so that my readers can choose whether they are able to follow this month or not.  I completely understand, either way.  I've had to make that choice to click away in the past, too.

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If you decided to stick around, you can catch up on our IF journey here and here and our out-of-nowhere BFP story here.
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I had already been writing this post in my head even before we went to church yesterday morning.  After church, though, it kind of wrote itself.  You see, I had already decided that getting through the next nine days without driving both myself and everyone around me crazy was going to require some serious "mind over matter" thinking. 

I am choosing to believe that Beaker is fine, growing healthy and strong, and that we WILL see a heartbeat next week.  There's no halfway on this for me.  I guess I just don't do indifferent, or at least not when it comes to Beaker.  Indifferent is too close to fear.  Trying to live in that indifferent space just pushes me into the fear spiral that you all found me in last Friday morning.  It feels better to believe that this amazing, miracle of a path God laid before us will continue to unfold in a positive way.  If there's anything I've learned this Christmas season, it's to trust His plan.

I'll admit that we haven't always been as good about getting ourselves to Mass recently as we should have been.  But, there was no doubt that we would be there yesterday.  Sometimes the homily is wonderful, but I know that I'm not necessarily the one it was written for that week.  Then, there are other days when the homily so perfectly fits where I am at the moment that it brings me to tears (and not just because my hormones are all over the place these days!).  Yesterday was one of those days.

The homily was all about trust and faith...trusting that things are moving forward in the way their meant to move forward, even if we can't see the progress.  If that wasn't the message I needed to hear right now, I don't know what was!  Sometimes my resolve is tested and I find myself more filled with fear than hope, but that's only natural.  Most of the time over the past few days, though, I've been able to enjoy these moments and be hopeful.  And, when fear takes over, I remind myself of these concrete facts:

-  Hubby's DNA Fragmentation came back way better than average.

-  My uterus looked perfect in my hysteroscopy last month.

-  New symptoms continue to appear (newest: gassy and increased sense of smell).

And, when all that fails.  I remind myself that I believe in the miracles that got us this far and trust that our miracle is only just beginning.

Breathe

Thanks, ladies, for all the support and stories.  I heard similar stories from IRL ladies this morning.  And, called the clinic and heard the same.  Spotting on the TP is perfectly normal.  Call if it gets any worse, but not to worry at small amounts of red or pink.  So, now I breathe...

I always wondered why, in the 2ww, why does AF have to feel so much like possible pregnancy symptoms.  Now, I wonder the same, in reverse.  Why on earth do perfectly normal pregnancy symptoms feel so much like AF?!  It's madddening!  We're so conditioned that blood=bad, AF=bad, cramping+blood=AF.  And, now I'm supposed to just trust that cramping+blood=perfectly normal pregnancy?  Pretty much.  But, I'm not the first and I won't be the last, so I just have to breathe!

In twelve days, we'll see Beaker's heartbeat.  And, I just have to believe that is exactly how this is going to turn out.  I don't want to live these next twelve days in fear, as difficult as that may be to avoid.  I wouldn't mind a symptom or two, other than the scary bleeding, to help me feel a bit more secure in that belief!  But, for now, I'm just going to breathe, say my prayers and think positive thoughts for Beaker!