That Sinking Feeling...

This afternoon:
My blackberry buzzes.  Oh good, a new e-mail.  Oh, an e-mail from BFF (5 months preggo, first try BFP BFF, I might add).  Cue sinking feeling.

"So, it looks like the baby shower is back on for September.  Are you still available?"  (Of course and I wouldn't miss it for the world)  More sinking, though.

"Oh, and it looks like we'll be home for Labor Day if you guys would like to spend the weekend with us." (A weekend with BFF sounds lovely)  Except for these pesky butterflies in my tummy!

And, all of that was followed by a good dose of guilt/shame for not feeling anything but excited to spend time with BFF and help with her shower.  BFF and I have been friends for over 15 years.  She's truly like a sister to me.  That's why I've been so troubled the past five months that I haven't been able to be the friend I have always been...the friend I still wish I could be.  I wish I could just put all of my baggage away and talk to her like before we both were TTC/preggo.  But, it just hasn't worked that way...and it only seems to get more difficult by the month. 

We'll end up at their house for Labor Day, I'm almost sure of it.  It's her birthday, too!  But, I'll be taking along a good book and tryin gmy hardest to excuse myself before I get too worked up about anything (she's been known to make a few less than considerate comments in the past, though I think we've worked through that).  I can surely just enjoy the weekend...surely!!?!

As for the shower, I truly wouldn't miss it for the world, and I'm honored to have been asked to help.  Of course, had I known how hard this would be six months later, I might have realized that just attending would be more manageable.  I'm just going to try to throw myself into and make it the best it can be (to whatever extent her parents actually let me help, that is).  I can surely go to my happy place for a few hours one Saturday afternoon in September...surely!!?!

Edited to add: BFF called tonight just to check on me since I'd been quiet the past week or so (kept my head down during O time so as not to end up biting people's heads off!).  She said, without any prodding, that she would totally understanding if spending Labor Day weekend with them (and baby stuff, nursery, etc.) would be too tough for me...especially since it's just a couple weeks before the shower.  I'd love to go and hope that I'm able to will myself to go, but it's also comforting to know that we're reaching some sort of mutual, compassionate understanding along the way. BFF for a reason! :-)