Giving Thanks for the Weekend (and ICLW)!

Well, thankfully, the weekend finally game...and, even better, I SURVIVED!  This was one of the toughest weeks I've had in awhile.  And, while the vast majority of the stressful things this week were non-IF related, I was stunned at how much IF crept it's way in.

The biggest stressor of this week was the whole job interview craziness.  Besides the fact that everyone already knew who would get the job, it really was a great opportunity for me to get some face time with the VP and just all around good experience.  I knew that from the beginning.  When I really dug deep to figure out why I was so opposed to applying for the exposure and good experience, despite knowin ghow it would end, it came down to IF, in a roundabout sort of way.

In our TTC/IF world, we're almost guaranteed a "no" every month.  That roller coaster of emotions is taxing enough, even when you know how it's going to end.  So, here I was in a similar, yet entirely different situation, and I didn't know if I could sign up for yet another guaranteed "no".  I just didn't know if there was enough emotional space leftover where the IF left off. 

In the end, I'm glad I applied and went through the charade.  It was a worthwhile experience, even though I still have no doubt that M will get the job.  I'm ok with it.  And, I even ended up decide to go see Twilight on Thursday night after all!  Adrenaline kept me going all day until after the interview.  It was a win-win, in the end.

Should find out, officially, which of us got the job early next week.  Not that it will be a surprise, but at least I won't have to wonder, even a little bit, over the Thanksgiving holiday.  As much as last week was awful with all the stress and drama, at least it was ultimately short-lived!

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So, this week, I'm thankful for this weekend to regroup and the Thanksgiving weekend to reconnect with family!  I'm also thankful for all of you, my ICLW friends.  How lucky we are that ICLW falls on Thanksgiving week!  Very fitting, if you ask me!

The first half of this post has a very good intro on our story.  And, here's the quick recap on what's happened since then.  We've seen slight improvements in Hubby's morphology (from 0% to 2%), but the overall, everything is still pretty low.  All of our bloodwork is done, including my AMH results that show borderline normal ovarian reserve.  I had a hysteroscopy that revealed a uterus that would (hopefully) accept an ET wonderfully.  Next up, and the last (hopefully) of the diagnostics is Hubby's 5th SA which will include DNA fragmentation testing on 11/25.  Last time it took seven (!) days to get morphology results back from the lab.  I'm really hoping it doesn't take that long this time, but just in case, I scheduled our follow-up consultation at the RE for 12/3. 

My hope is that we'll have an official treatment plan as of a week from Thanksgiving!  I'll be giving thanks for that, as well!  I'm beyond ready to finally feel like we have a shot at this.  We're planning on starting with some IUI cycles, despite the odds, while we save up for an IVF clinical trial that will hopefully be happening at our clinic later in 2010. 

So, that's our story.  Thank you for stopping by!  I truly am thankful for all of you and I'm looking forward to reading all of your stories over the next few days!

Not that Show

You know that show on VH1 "Best Week Ever?"  My week does not qualify!  I'll forewarn you that this is a rather ranting/raging post, so feel free to just speed read to the end...or even ignore, that would befit my week!

Remember how last week I found out that my position was being realigned?  Well, my department was hiring a manager for that new team I will be on.  And, the job was only posted internal to my department.  The manager job is so "me."  It's everything I've been aspiring to...a very exciting opportunity.  A few minor details, however.  1)  The VP had already started giving many of the parts of the new job to another manager in the department (while still preaching that everyone has an equal shot). 2) Privately, I can't help but wonder if it's not really six months to a year to early for me, experience-wise, anyway.

So, I had decided that I was not going to apply.  I would just be a happy player on New Manager's bench until the next great opportunity came along, but then I would be ready.  Easy enough.  Made great sense.  And then, yet another person (about the fourth) asked me if I was going to apply. And, my director said that they had made a special exception on the 1-year at the company rule so that I could apply.  Then, my family really started encouraging me to apply.  All the while, I knew the score.  I was applying for a losing battle.  Nonetheless, I was stupid brave enough to apply.

And, every day since I applied and the position closed on Monday has been more and more reminders of why I have no chance.  The VP has continued to give her new tasks that our on the New Manager's list of tasks.  How can I possibly compete with someone who is already doing the job?  And, why on earth do the act like everyone has a fair shot at it when clearly we/I don't?  I feel like the employee relations fall girl...the "check the box," we had two people apply so that it didn't just look like we were giving the to a specific person.  Oh, and the best part is that part of New Manager's role is to be the spokesperson for the department.  The other candidate, the one they've all but promised it to, is the most negative, close-minded, cynical person in the whole department.  Perfect for a spokeswoman, don't you think?

So, I'm busy working away on a strategic plan for the new department, that I won't be leading, for the interview tomorrow.  I'll likely still be working on that tonight before the interview tomorrow.  Two months ago, a friend and I bought tickets to see Twilight tonight.  Looks like no more Twilight for me...

And, to top it all off...the cherry on top of this ridiculously awful week?  BFF posted this to FB today:

Shout out to all the new mommies around me! Dianne, Bryn, Katie and Jennie! And those to come! Michelle, Leann, Josie and Sasha! Looking forward to some great memories :-)

Maybe it's just the incredibly foul mood I'm in (think the fact that I'm on CD4 might have something to do with that), but that post strikes me as ridiculous.  Or maybe it's just that I can't relate to what it must be like to be pregnant and surrounded by wonderfully happy pregnant and/or new moms.

Is this week over yet?  I think I'm about to start waving the white flag on this week...

Call Me Crazy...

...but, does anyone else see what I see:

My grandma called over the weekend to see what we wanted for Christmas.  We could really use a new set of flatware, because the spoons in our current set have gone to war with the garbage disposal (and lost) one too many times.  So, I was looking online at flatware sets just to get an idea of what the options were.  Then, I came across this set.  It's called "Twirl."  I was literally LOL and ROFL and LMAO at the sight of them.  Clearly I spend too much time thinking about the swimmers...sheesh! 

Not quite with me yet?  Does this help?

Sorry in advance to anyone reading this post who may own that flatware set!!

Photos courtesy of Bed Bath & Beyond and krishnaivf.com

Hoping vs. Waiting

Part of my pre-op bloodwork on Thursday was an HCG because I was on CD25 and 10DPO.  Right before the hysteroscopy last Friday, the nurse made a point to say that my HCG had come back negative.  I just laughed.  It wasn't a surprise.  Still, it sucks to know that already, as I sit around waiting for AF to come in the next few days with no hope of a BFP.  This is exactly why I don't early test. 

Even though the 2WW can drive me crazy, it's also still the most hopeful part of every cycle for me.  Despite the odds, for two weeks out of every month, I could be pregnant.  I don't early test because seeing AF for the 209th time in my life is a lot easier than seeing the stark white HPT staring back at me.  I've gotten used to AF's arrival month after month for 17 years (granted, for 16 of those I didn't much mind).  I don't ever want to get used to seeing bright white HPTs.  I'd rather just wait...and hope against the odds.

This cycle, though, there's no more hoping...only waiting.

Elephants

I went to a jewelry party one of the girls from last week's party was hosting.  I had some concerns, but ultimately I enjoyed hanging out with these women, so I decided that I wasn't going to let the IF issues get in the way of making new friends.  I don't regret going, but the wall that IF seemingly causes between us and everyone else only became more clear after tonight.

For starters, this house was decorated to the nines.  It looked like a house you'd see on tv.  It was absolutely beautiful!  And, this couple was about our age.  I try to decorate, but there are two problems.  First of all, I'm indecisive when it comes to decorative accents.  Second, and more importantly, decorating is low on the list of priorities right now.  It used to be that we weren't decorating because we were buying furniture.  Now, we're waiting to decorate because I'd much rather save money for potential IUIs or IVF than buy a picture for the wall.  Don't get me wrong...I love our house, but decorating-wise, it's a little bare bones.  Meanwhile, this couple had managed to decorate to the hilt and have a five-month-old.

But, it wasn't just her.  In fact, most of the women at the party were my age.  Of them, I was the only one who either wasn't pregnant or didn't have a baby already (many at the party also had babies in tow).  I found myself struggling to relate to these women even though I also felt like we should be fast friends. 

I ended up not buying anything at the jewelry party because I just couldn't justify paying $30 on a pair of earrings I might only wear a few times while the money and IF situations are what they are.  But, I also felt guilty for not buying...I wanted to clear the air, to explain that we were saving for IVF...to explain that we were having trouble conceiving as a way to excuse any not-quite-right reactions to babies and/or moms that I might have unknowingly made.  Most of all, I wanted to explain  away the white elephant in the room...except, of course, that I was the only one who had even the faintest idea that he was there.

Up until now, my experiences with the IF wall have been with singular relationships (namely BFF, or preggo boss).  This was one of the first times that I experienced it in a large group and really felt like the odd woman out.  It was the strangest feeling, like I could feel the bricks going up one-at-a-time between us.  I looked around and saw all these women my age, some younger, in this beautiful house and I felt that fast forward feeling again.  I'm now acutely aware that we're being left behind, despite the fact that I also know that this is the path we're supposed to be on.

Perfect Uterus!

...now we just have to figure out how to get a baby or two in there!!!

Cross the hysteroscopy off the list.  We're one step closer to whatever treatments are coming our way.  Dr. K said that my uterus looked perfect and, if we go that route, he should have no problem doing the transfer.

The RE has a surgery center right at the clinic.  And, the surgery staff really did renew my faith in the entire RE's office.  They were absolutely wonderful! 

On that note, I told Hubby about my concerns with the office, but between him talking me into staying and the surgery experience today, we're going to hang on a bit longer.  Hubby reminded me that, while it's a little further from home (though he showed me a shortcut on that today, too), it's closer to work which will be hand for lunchtime monitoring appointments.  He's also resistent to switching because he doesn't want to get the "we need an SA from our own lab" speech again, especially if we're just going to switch back in a few months time.  So, for now, the RE's office should consider themselves on warning, but we're not going anywhere.

I was feeling really good in the recovery area, like suprisingly good!  About the time we were getting home, though, I definitely started to feel the anesthesia after effects.  Four hours later, I woke up and am feeling pretty much fine now!  This was so much easier than the recovery after my laparoscopy in March!

Sorry this post was a bit all over the place...we'll blame that on the anesthesia, too! ;-)  Here's a pic and a chuckle to end this post...my colorful toe socks were a big hit at the surgery center today!  They said bring warm socks and these were the warmest I had.  Plus, they make me (and apparently everyone else) smile!

Mostly Uneventful Pre-Op

Just got back from my pre-op for tomorrow's hysteroscopy.  It was uneventful, except that they took more blood.  I'm beginning to realize this is just part of going to the RE...if they can draw your blood, they probably will!  I think I'll be a pro at this by the time we're done!  In fact, after I got back from my first RE appointment where they had taken 8 large vials, I was talking to my preggo boss about it and she said, "Oh, just wait until you get pregnant, you'll be a pin cushion."  I laughed and assured her that I'd likely be a pin cushion long before that!

I know that my body doesn't like anesthesia very much, so I expect to be pretty groggy and weak for until at least sometime Saturday.  Should be a relaxing, recuperating weekend and then back to the grind on Monday.  Next up is the 11/25 SA followed by a yet to be scheduled follow-up, "finally get the plan" appointment, which should be sometime in early December.

Meanwhile, I'm contemplating changing REs.  Yes, I'm ridiculous, but here's why.  The only reason we picked this clinic was because of the clinical trial(s).  We're passing up the current  trial and the next trial isn't slated to start until second quarter, at the earliest.  I think I've probably said before that I'm willing to cut this clinic a lot of slack because I know that, if we can do a trial, it will be so much cheaper.  That said, if we know we're not doing the trial now, we can find a good RE closer to home who's IUIs are a bit cheaper. 

More than that, though, I just don't know that I'm pleased with the "feel" of this clinic.  The nurses are wonderful, for the most part, and Dr. K is very knowledgeable with an "ok to good" bedside manner...but, everyone else is sort of non-responsive.  In the beginning, I had to reschedule my initial consult, so I called the new patient coordinator and left a message asking her to call me back.  After waiting four days, I finally asked the front desk if they could reschedule it instead.  Luckily, they did.  At the initial consult, there were some things that left me less than pleased after our discussion with the billing specialist (unanswered questions after repeated attempts to get them answered).  More recently, I realized that I didn't know what time my hysteroscopy was scheduled for, so I called the surgery coordinator and left her a message.  Never heard back. 

Those kinds of things are unacceptable to me.  The nurses and doctor are great, but if the team isn't strong, the patient experience isn't either.  So, I'm just wondering...if we change to a smaller clinic, closer to home until the next trial starts if it will be worth it.  Or, more trouble than it's worth for just 6 months or so.

My brain is always contemplating something...