It was a day.

And, not exactly a banner day either.  I had one of those moments where you get mad at the world for the fact that you're having to pay mega bucks for even a chance at having a baby when so much of the rest of the world can do it free and relatively easily.  Breakdown #1. 

Then, I also had that moment when maybe you wish you hadn't really told your mom about IF.  That's probably not entirely true, because I know this is just a misunderstanding that we'll work out...but I NEVER in a million years expected to hear my mom say, "You shouldn't ask for helping paying for IVF because you don't really have to have a baby right now." (And, I wasn't even asking her...asking anyone, for that matter.  It was just at the general idea that we may need to ask ILs at some point.)  Breakdown #2.

Ok, there is admittedly some truth in what she says.  No one has stuck a gun to our heads and said that we must do IVF in the next few months.  That much is true.  The rest is debatable, though.  And the tone and insinuation, from someone who had two kids by my age (and though had lots of endo problems before and toxemia problems during, had no actual trouble getting pregnant either time!), sent me over the edge!  Depending on the day, my mom is either the second most (behind Hubby) or most (if Hubby's having an off day) understanding person in my life.  For us to be this far apart on something really hurts.

Given the fact that we just went through the whole MN house debacle, some help from family (though, obviously not mine) will likely be necessary to come up with the pre-payment amount for the trial.  For the record, that's not to say that we can't afford it, but paying in full up front does seem different to me than paying as you go or a payment plan.  The latter two we could do without a problem, but may not be available to us due to the trial....hence the possible need for help. 

Besides, it occurred to me after the whole "shouldn't ask for help" line that if we had accidentally gotten pregnant years ago, or even now for that matter, I suspect there would have been help if we needed it.  Happy accidents aren't an option for us.  Double standard, much? 

Bottom line is that I don't want to ask for help.  I wish we didn't need to...I wish we didn't need to pay mega bucks for the freakin' chance alone.  And, now we're back to Breakdown #1.

Treatment Plan Update:
-  Still waiting on AMH results.
-  Hysteroscopy scheduled for November 13.
-  Ate well today and took TWO walks with the dogs tonight.  One day down, 8 more pounds to go before we qualify for the trial.....

RE Recap

Here's the "quick and dirty" version for tonight.  CRAZY day today...have barely caught my breath, ,but want to get this written down before I forget!  More soon...

Today: internal sonogram (one cyst, Dr. K apparently not worried; low follicle counts...4-5 on both sides), AMH blood test (because of the low follicle counts), thyroid test (normal), contagious disease testing

Tomorrow: Talk to Trial Coordinator about enrollment, insurance transition, payment plans, etc., to see if this is even an option due to timing.

Saturday: Hubby's 4th SA (to confirm counts, particularly morphology, and baseline), contagious disease tesdting

mid-November: Hysteroscopy

November 25: Hubby's 5th SA (DNA Fragmentation)

early-December: F/U to discuss treatment plan

Miscellaneous Notes:
- Borderline acceptable BMI to qualify for the trial as of today. Time to get my tush in gear! Talk about motivation!
- DH optimistic that we could afford treatment as early as the December cycle. I'm not sure it'll be that soon, but nonetheless it is close!

T-Minus Hours

Questions written down.  Insurance plans printed. Google Maps directions sitting by the door. 

We're officially in the "hours" countdown to the RE!  The nerves I've felt for weeks have temporarily subsided (though, I'm sure they'll be back in the morning).  At the moment, I'm excited...it ocurred to me at some point today that tomorrow we'll have a plan for starting our family.  We'll go from "trying in futility" to "trying with a plan" overnight.  The latter should feel much  better in the long-term!

Of course, tonight's excitement will probably yield to nerves in a few hours followed, perhaps, by sadness or anger at the finality of hearing the necessity of treatments from the mouth of the RE.  I guess that's why I'm writing this down when I really should be going to sleep in preparation for the very early wake-up call in the morning (RE at 7:15 with an hour drive there!)...I want to write this down so that even if I feel worse in the short-term, I'll be reminded of why I should feel better in the long-term.  Tomorrow morning is the beginning...again.  But, this time, at least for now, the beginning feels filled with more hope than despair.

Halloween at Ronald McDonald House

I spent this evening volunteering with much of the rest of my department at the annual Ronald McDonald House Halloween Carnival. RMDH is the designated charity of my company, so we're there many times a year from cooking dinner to this annual Hallowee tradition.

I can't say enough good things about the experience. First of all, it was FUN! We dressed up as cartoon characters...I was Belle from "Beauty and the Beast!" And, I should point out that my hair is actually very short...that's mostly a ponytail extension attached with a million bobby pins! ;-)

But besides the fun, spending time with the RMDH kids is a great reminder to be grateful for what DH and I do have even in the midst of these TTC struggles. Bottom line: It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when your trying to make kids with cancer and their families smile. I'm grateful for the reminder...Though they will probably never know it, I feel certain that those kids (and their amazing familes) gave us as much as we gave them. They are in my prayers tonight.

It's IComLeavWe Time Again!

WOW!  It seems like we were just here!  Where did last month go?  So much has happened since last IComLeavWe and so much is right on the verge.  Here's a quick recap of the big events of last month for us (and, if your brand new, here's an intro post to bring you up to speed!):

1. We sold our house in MN after 17 months on the market (after our move to Texas for work last year)!  Such a relief...and it feels like we can finally move on with the next chapter, which is hopefully our family.
2. Tamoxifen and Arimidex definitely improved DH's SA!  We saw increases in both count and motility!
3. We're officially in the countdown to the RE....SIX days and counting!  Thanks so much to the ladies who submitted their RE stories and advice.  So very helpfu!  Feel free to add yours as well!
4. Today was CD1 of Cycle #8.  Boooo!  It's not as if AF's arrival was a surprise, but it sucks nonetheless.  I'm doing ok, though...see #3 and say it with me: "I NEED A PLAN" and, luckily, that plan (or at least the beginnings of a real plan) are a mere six days away.

I'm looking forward to either getting to know for the first time or just a little better this month!  IComLeavWe is the perfect way to cheer me up and make sure the next six days fly by!  Thanks so much for clicking over!

Disclosure and Request

This probably isn't the first time I've mentioned this (in fact, I know it's not), but it's a valid truth: I'm an analyst by day and a planner/worrier by night. Life is all in the details and the what ifs for me. I've done lots of research on REs and what to expect, but I still find myself with questions and wonderings.

So, while I know that I'll have plenty of questions up until the appointment next Monday, it also occurs to me that my blog friends might be able to help! I suspect that many of you might have posted about your first RE appointment. I'd love it if you'd link back to that post in the comments! It'll help me pass the time this week...and fewer surprises generally means less stress for us!

Thanks so much!

The age of social networking = A punch in the gut

Seriously, Faceb00k sucks sometimes.  Sure, I love Faceb00k for keeping in touch with people I may not otherwise talk to.  I can follow the lives of high school and college friends from the 30,000 feet up perspective...only what they want to share.  That's all fine and well until one of the following two things happen:

1) Someone you're really close to and are used to sharing big news over the phone with takes to posting really big news (both pregnancy and non-pregnancy news, though not the BFP) on Faceb00k.  It feels a bit like a punch in the gut to suddenly feel demoted, without explanation, to the ranks of just another Faceb00k friend.  That's not really how it is, because she called later, but that's how it feels to find out that her world is falling apart and then miraculously back together by FB rather than a call. 

2) When one of those long lost, but then found via FB, friends who you haven't talked to in the better part of a decade posts that they're expecting twins.  I'm not sure why that feels like such a punch in the gut, but man does it ever.

I've also realized that I find myself always thinking "I wonder how they got pregnant?" these days when someone announces a pregnancy in real life.  And, that's especially true if it's twins.  I find that to be a weird thought.  And, even weirder still that if the answer is that they conceived those blessed twins via IUI/IVF or after a long time trying, it wouldn't feel like a punch, maybe just a tiny soft blow.  Or, more likely like a soft nudge, a gentle squeeze of the shoulder, or a big hug...a hug that only someone who's battled IF could give.  The understanding and hope that only someone who's beaten IF can share.  Unfortunately, the 30,000 feet up perspective that FB provides can't tell me that.  And, it seems somehow inappropriate to message the college friend I haven't spoken to in ages to ask. 

I just wish that I didn't feel like the wind got knocked out of me every time I log onto FB these days.  It seems that the vast majority of my FB friends are pregnant or already have at least one child.  In fact, Hubby added another college friend a few weeks ago and her and three kids greeted him from her profile picture.  The thought that someone we went to college with, not all that long ago, already has three kids.  WOW!  Clearly, they have super swimmers on their side.  Sheesh!  A month or so ago I was on a self-imposed FB break...might be time for another.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Of course, I'm not faulting anyone for posting those things on FB.  I'm sure we'll do the same when our turn comes.  However, I have noted that my friends who dealt with IF use a lot more care in their FB posting.  They don't log their delivery minute-by-minute via FB, for example (and, yes, I actually had a "friend" do that a few months ago).  I will certainly have a more careful perspective on my FB posting taking a cue from those friends, as well.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In happier news, the sun is shining here (all day even) for one of the first times since the first of October.  Likewise, the renewed sunlight and a medicine change have done wonders for Hubby in the last few days.  That's a huge relief.  It's easy to forget just what an effect lack of sunlight can have on him.  And, it all serves as a great reminder of why we left MN.  Luckily half a month of partly/mostly cloudy doesn't happen in TX very often.  But, it happens for most of the winter in MN.  I'll say it again...Good riddance MN house!

Busy planning for Halloween (we have a giant shindig at work!) and trying to stay busy in the wait for the intial RE consult on 10/26.  Almost there!