Beautiful Sight!

I was a ridiculous bundle of nerves all day.  I tried to sleep most of our four hour car ride home, but the butterflies that had invaded my tummy made that a near impossibility.  By the time we made it to the clinic, my hands were shaking.  I felt like I was either going to be sick or hyperventilate as I changed and assumed the position.  (As it turned out, that "going to be sick" feeling has been with me the whole day, so I have a feeling it's a bit more related to "morning" sickness than nerves!)

Once the RE joined us in the u/s room, it was right down to business.  In hardly no time at all, we saw my uterus.  Shortly thereafter we saw the yolk sac.  For a second, all the awful thoughts raced through my head again.  But, a few clicks and a zoom or two later, and I heard the RE say that there was a healthy heartbeat there.  She asked if we could see it, but it took me a few seconds to both comprehend what she was saying and find a gap in between thre stream of tears! 

Beaker's little heartbeat was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.  At 6wks1day it was 114 beats per minute.  The RE says that's a great number for our timeline!  We saw both the black and gray flicker and the blood flow "map" of red and blue colors.  Just beautiful!  We're in total awe of the little life growing inside me.  It feels simultaneously all the more real and surreal! 

Our next appointment with the RE is in two weeks (at 8wks) and then we'll get released to my OB.  We had the option of going straight to the OB, but I had a feeling that we'd miss a chance to see Beaker if we did, so we opted to do the one last appointment with the RE before moving on. 

I know that we're by no means out of the woods yet.  That point was made all too painfully today when one of my online friends went in for her 8 week ultrasound after seeing a healthy heartbeat at 6 weeks only to find that the baby had stopped growing.  High risk factors or not, it doesn't change the sadness or the sense of caution.  And yet, I have such a sense of relief that we've past this first huge hurdle.  Beaker has a strong, healthy heartbeat.  One day at a time...but, for today, all is well and beautiful in our world!

Finally Here!

In less than 24hrs we'll be at the clinic for our first u/s!  I had begun to think I'd never be able to say that it was finally here!  We've had a wonderful time in Arkansas with the fam, but I'm ready to go home.  Well, it's not so much that I'm ready to go home...I'd stay longer if it weren't for the u/s.  But, I'm so very ready for the u/s!

I've run both scenarios through my head all day...the happy, healthy heartbeat...or the emptiness.  I made a comment to my mom that if she got a call from me, it was good news.  But, if it was a call from Hubby, that probably meant bad news.  Hubby shushed me before I could even get the sentence out.  I just haven't been able to not think about the bad news scenario today.  I guess I felt like I had to think it through just long enough to be prepared.  Sillly, really, because there's no level of preparedness for news like that.

So, we head home in the morning.  There's some snow in the forecast for here and some icy mix in the forecast for TX.  We're leaving with plenty of time to spare, but it could be a slightly interesting trip home.  My grandparents called yesterday, all concerned after watching the weather, suggesting that we change our plans.  We lived in Minnesota for five years.  A dusting of ice and snow in Arkansas and Texas doesn't compare.  Needless to say, no changing of plans happened.  We will be extra careful, though, of course.

This time tomorrow, we'll have seen Beaker for the first time!

Post-Christmas Catch-Up

I'm behind again...behind with posting and commenting.  Will be trying to catch up on ICLW comments today!

First of all, a belated Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays to everyone!  I drove home from Arkansas to Missouri on Christmas Eve.  Snow to my North, West and South; rain in between.  Luckily, I seemed to be just behind or ahead of the worst of everything and managed to only have to drive through what amounted to a heavy sprinkle most of the way.  This was really my first solo roadtrip and I was pretty proud of myself for having handled it all so well.  I was also really grateful to be done with all the driving, since Hubby will be driving us back to Dallas on Wednesday!  For those of you that were wondering about when I got any downtime-- no worries.  I really never got out of my PJs the one full day I was in Missouri and since I got to Arkansas, I've slept in late and taken plenty of naps.  I was extremely tired after all that driving, but I'm doing my best to get caught up!

It's family tradition here to spend Christmas Eve with my grandparents.  This year was no exception.  And, we'd also been waiting for this occassion to share the news of their first great grandchild.  We put this picture in a pretty "baby" picture frame for them to open:

They were ecstatic.  A few tears; lots of congratulations and plenty of stories of when my dad and uncle were born.  My granparents also showed us where they had saved all of the Golden and other books from when my dad, brother and I were kids.  Our baby will start off with a very nice classic book collection!

Next up, was Christmas morning.  Hubby totally blew me away with a beautiful Mother & Child pendant...and I know that may seem a bit odd, but it's totally in keeping with how we're choosing to celebrate each day with Beaker; no matter what happens, we are parents now.  In fact, Hubby polled a few of our close friends and family on if this gift was a good idea.  The reaction was 50/50, but I'm glad Hubby went with his gut on this one...he knows me so well! 

Since then, there has been plenty of rest and relaxation, with a fair amount of worry mixed in for good measure.  My symptoms have been progressing, though still no morning sickness.  The boobs are terribly sore and that uber sense of smell thing has been taken to extremes!  Audrey happened to step just right on my tummy this morning resulting in a bit of pain.  That freaked me out a bit, but my mom reminded me that the uterus is built much stronger than that.  I know she's right, but I'd rather do without the stuff that amps up my worry meter!  In fact, I went to the book store to buy one of those "pregncy day-by-day" books and left the store empty handed, because a brief scan through the pages just gave me more to worry about than I thought I really needed.

We're just a few short days from our first u/s now, though!  Today is 5 weeks and 5 days.  I believe, despite the intermittent--sometimes stronger than others--worry, that Beaker is doing just fine.  We're looking forward to seeing that flickering little heartbeat by this time Wednesday!

Winding Road

Last night I drove about four hours from Dallas to Arkansas to drop the pups off at my parents house for Christmas week and spend the night.  This morning, I drove the remaining four hours to Missouri to be with BFF and her adorable eight-day old daughter, AJ.  This trip, though on the agenda for most of the year, was on again, off again recently due to the somewhat strained nature of our relationship. 

I'm so glad that we worked through all of that in time for me to be here this week.  Actually, I'm not sure how much of it we actually worked through versus how much of it our recent BFP supposedly all made miraculously disappear.  Still, it is amazing how everything feels almost "back to normal" for the first time in nine months!  It's true that there are many things that BFF said along way that I understand a bit more now (not in relation to our IF, but with regard to pregnancy things she worried about).  There are other things that I understand even less now, though.  Regardless, I'm grateful that my dear, sweet friend has returned and that most of the walls that had been formed between us seem to have fallen.

BFF has alwasy been more like family than friend.  Even the strongest families go through their tough times.  I'm just grateful that I'm able to be here to help them when they needed it since their families on both sides haven't been able to be there to support them as much as they'd hoped.  Little AJ is like family now, too...she's quite a show stopper!!  Steals your heart with just a glance! 

I'll be here until Christmas Eve.  Then, it's back home to Arkansas to meet Hubby (who flies tomorrow) and start the family Christmas festivities! 

Mind Over Matter (and ICLW)

****Pregnancy Mentioned****

What a month!  So much has changed since the last time we met for ICLW!  When I registered for ICLW a month ago, I would never have imagined that I'd be pregnant now!  I had come to believe that I could be writing from this perspective in March or April after our first cycle of IVF, but a miracle BFP the very same month the RE gave us less than 1% odds of a natural pregnancy?  Never! 

Given that when I registered for December ICLW, I had no idea what was in store, I want to be sure that I put it out there now so that my readers can choose whether they are able to follow this month or not.  I completely understand, either way.  I've had to make that choice to click away in the past, too.

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If you decided to stick around, you can catch up on our IF journey here and here and our out-of-nowhere BFP story here.
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I had already been writing this post in my head even before we went to church yesterday morning.  After church, though, it kind of wrote itself.  You see, I had already decided that getting through the next nine days without driving both myself and everyone around me crazy was going to require some serious "mind over matter" thinking. 

I am choosing to believe that Beaker is fine, growing healthy and strong, and that we WILL see a heartbeat next week.  There's no halfway on this for me.  I guess I just don't do indifferent, or at least not when it comes to Beaker.  Indifferent is too close to fear.  Trying to live in that indifferent space just pushes me into the fear spiral that you all found me in last Friday morning.  It feels better to believe that this amazing, miracle of a path God laid before us will continue to unfold in a positive way.  If there's anything I've learned this Christmas season, it's to trust His plan.

I'll admit that we haven't always been as good about getting ourselves to Mass recently as we should have been.  But, there was no doubt that we would be there yesterday.  Sometimes the homily is wonderful, but I know that I'm not necessarily the one it was written for that week.  Then, there are other days when the homily so perfectly fits where I am at the moment that it brings me to tears (and not just because my hormones are all over the place these days!).  Yesterday was one of those days.

The homily was all about trust and faith...trusting that things are moving forward in the way their meant to move forward, even if we can't see the progress.  If that wasn't the message I needed to hear right now, I don't know what was!  Sometimes my resolve is tested and I find myself more filled with fear than hope, but that's only natural.  Most of the time over the past few days, though, I've been able to enjoy these moments and be hopeful.  And, when fear takes over, I remind myself of these concrete facts:

-  Hubby's DNA Fragmentation came back way better than average.

-  My uterus looked perfect in my hysteroscopy last month.

-  New symptoms continue to appear (newest: gassy and increased sense of smell).

And, when all that fails.  I remind myself that I believe in the miracles that got us this far and trust that our miracle is only just beginning.

Breathe

Thanks, ladies, for all the support and stories.  I heard similar stories from IRL ladies this morning.  And, called the clinic and heard the same.  Spotting on the TP is perfectly normal.  Call if it gets any worse, but not to worry at small amounts of red or pink.  So, now I breathe...

I always wondered why, in the 2ww, why does AF have to feel so much like possible pregnancy symptoms.  Now, I wonder the same, in reverse.  Why on earth do perfectly normal pregnancy symptoms feel so much like AF?!  It's madddening!  We're so conditioned that blood=bad, AF=bad, cramping+blood=AF.  And, now I'm supposed to just trust that cramping+blood=perfectly normal pregnancy?  Pretty much.  But, I'm not the first and I won't be the last, so I just have to breathe!

In twelve days, we'll see Beaker's heartbeat.  And, I just have to believe that is exactly how this is going to turn out.  I don't want to live these next twelve days in fear, as difficult as that may be to avoid.  I wouldn't mind a symptom or two, other than the scary bleeding, to help me feel a bit more secure in that belief!  But, for now, I'm just going to breathe, say my prayers and think positive thoughts for Beaker!

That Worry Thing

My last post, on Monday, was all about how I wasn't going to worry.  I was just going to celebrate each day that we were pregnant.  That lasted until about Tuesday before the worries started creeping in.  And, then Thursday I had a little spotting.  Not much.  Not enough to need a panty liner.  But, enough to scare the crap out of me.  I'm feeling more AF-ish type cramping than the previous days, too.

I know that many woman spot in early pregnancy.  I also know this is how miscarriages start.  Maybe I've read one too many blog posts or spent too much time on iV.  I don't know.  How many women who have spotting at 4 weeks, 3 days really make it to a healthy baby in the end?  Thinking positive just doesn't seem possible anymore.  I feel like we're losing Beaker...and I just can't process it. 

I haven't called the clinic.  Three dots of redness seems like a bit too little to call in a panic.  But, more than that, I also know that there's nothing they can do.  They'll either tell me to wait it out.  Or, they'll have me come in for more betas.  And, I'm not sure I want the results.  I don't want to take that call.

At the same time, I know that I'm supposed to be leaving for Missouri on Monday night to go be with BFF and her new baby (born Monday via c-section).  If this is headed in the direction it feels like it is, I can't bear to go through that there, without Hubby.  At least, if I got the bad beta results, I'd know to stay home.

I hope I'm overreacting.  I hope that this is all a part of the process and the spotting was perfectly explainable and the AF-ish cramps are a normal thing to feel at this point.  I feel less pregnant than I did yesterday.  Things don't seem to be moving in the right direction.  Not sure what to do or how to feel.  I'm just in a daze.