That Worry Thing

My last post, on Monday, was all about how I wasn't going to worry.  I was just going to celebrate each day that we were pregnant.  That lasted until about Tuesday before the worries started creeping in.  And, then Thursday I had a little spotting.  Not much.  Not enough to need a panty liner.  But, enough to scare the crap out of me.  I'm feeling more AF-ish type cramping than the previous days, too.

I know that many woman spot in early pregnancy.  I also know this is how miscarriages start.  Maybe I've read one too many blog posts or spent too much time on iV.  I don't know.  How many women who have spotting at 4 weeks, 3 days really make it to a healthy baby in the end?  Thinking positive just doesn't seem possible anymore.  I feel like we're losing Beaker...and I just can't process it. 

I haven't called the clinic.  Three dots of redness seems like a bit too little to call in a panic.  But, more than that, I also know that there's nothing they can do.  They'll either tell me to wait it out.  Or, they'll have me come in for more betas.  And, I'm not sure I want the results.  I don't want to take that call.

At the same time, I know that I'm supposed to be leaving for Missouri on Monday night to go be with BFF and her new baby (born Monday via c-section).  If this is headed in the direction it feels like it is, I can't bear to go through that there, without Hubby.  At least, if I got the bad beta results, I'd know to stay home.

I hope I'm overreacting.  I hope that this is all a part of the process and the spotting was perfectly explainable and the AF-ish cramps are a normal thing to feel at this point.  I feel less pregnant than I did yesterday.  Things don't seem to be moving in the right direction.  Not sure what to do or how to feel.  I'm just in a daze.

168!!

Got the second beta results back today. We needed 100, we got 168!!  We're ecstatic!  It feels much more real now that I know that everything is moving along just as it should. 

Interestingly, Hubby and I have done a bit of a role reversal in the last couple days.  Those of you who have read my blog for awhile will know that I'm a bit of a worrier.  Pregnancy, however, has brought out a slightly different side of me.  I've decided that I want to enjoy this pregnancy day-by-day...take each day as it comes because every new day we're pregnant is better than the last.  I don't want to be an obsessed and worrying all the time.  What happens during this pregnancy is already according to plan.  And, whatever happens, I am still a mommy.  In this moment, I am a mommy!  I want to celebrate it today, not wait 9 months to celebrate!  It's a very new way of looking at things for me.  That "one day at a time" thing is very tough for me!

My dear, sweet Hubby, on the other hand, has completed our total role reversal by taking it upon himself to run the many non-happy ending scenarios through his head to figure out what we would do and how he would support me if it were to happen.  He has become the Type-A worrier!  How did that happen?  On the one hand, I find it sweet...in a macho, protector sort of way.  But, there are two issues with his line of thinking.  First, it is keeping him from living in the moment and enjoying "Little Beaker" (a play on petri dishes and Muppets).  Second, Hubby's depression already fills his brain with enough dark thoughts.  It makes me sad that our happiest of occassions is giving him reason to fill it with more.  I hope that his half of our role-reversal is short-lived.

Our first ultrasound is scheduled for 12/31...what a great way to ring in the New Year!  It seems like four weeks is pretty early to see a heartbeat, but the nurse told me that we should be able to discern gestational sac(s) AND see a heartbeat.  I hope she's right!

Ummmmm....

I got up yesterday and decided to test.  My department holiday party (an open bar extravaganza) was last night and I just wanted to be sure before taking part in all that.  I never early test.  A year ago, I bought a pack of 25 OPKs and 10 internet cheapie HPTs.  I've been conditioned, as I'm sure you all can relate, to expecting (and then seeing, on the rare occassion that I test) a negative).  What else would you expect when the RE told you a mere two weeks before that your chance of successful IUI was 3-8% and successful natural pregnancy less than 1%? 

As of Saturday morning, I had 8 HPTs from that purchase a year ago!  Now I have 5.

I tested the first time, fully expecting a negative with every fiber of my being.  I'm a worrier and needed to see the stark white line before partaking at the party.  I went ahead with my morning rituals (teeth brushed, face washed, etc) without even a hopeful glance in the direction of the test.  When 3-minutes was up, I walked back over to the test, and to my amazement, there was a second line!!

So, I took another...still a line....and another...still a line.  But wait, there's a problem!  I realized my internet cheapies were expired!  Figures, right?  So, I ran to the store to get a digi.  Sure enough, Pregnant popped up in three seconds flat!  Shortly thereafter I was racing to the clinic for a blood test....which confirmed the other 5 tests with a beta of 52.3!  Second beta on Monday.

We are ecstatic, thirlled and beside ourselves with joy!  We're also shocked, awed and humbled!  I was going to the clinic tomorrow to sign the clinical trial paperwork for us to start IVF next month.  In the end, BFF and I were pregnant at the same time for exactly two weeks; I was able to give Hubby the ultimate 30th birthday gift; and the money we had saved and/or been given for IVF can now be used for all things baby.  The timing leaves me speechless. 

A few days ago, I wrote about trusting the path God had made for us.  The path turned out far different than I imagined then, but I hear the message loud and clear.  And, it leaves me speechless.

Community PSA-- Creme, Haikus and LFCA

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you the following ALI Blogroll Public Service Announcement...

There are some big things going on in the ALI Blogosphere this week, so I wanted to take a moment to point them out in case you've missed them, but would like to take part.  In fact, I sincerely hope that you all will take part, if you haven't already!

Creme de la Creme
The deadline for submissions to Creme de le Creme is Monday (December 14).  Basically, the wonderful premise of this (another of Mel's fabulous ideas, as are the other two to follow) is that everyone has a best post.  We all do.  I've seen amazing posts on my followers' blogs (and other blogs I read, but may not necessarily be official followers of my blog).  I know that you all have a best post from 2009.  I urge you to submit your favorite/best post via this form.  As long as you submit your post by December 14th, Mel will write a wonderful summary blurb and have your post up on January 1st, with the long list of other wonderful posts, and we'll all kick off 2010 by celebrating each other's best!  (For full disclosure, I'll add that you can continue to submit your best 2009 posts well after 12/14, but I hope you'll do it by Monday so that you can join us on the New Year's Day list!)  I look forward to reading everyone's creme de la creme in January! 

The Golden Haiku
The Golden Haiku is a lot like Creme de la Creme with one big exception.  While the Creme is open to only those in the IF world, The Golden Haiku is available to anyone with a blog.  I'm sure that you have often felt what I often feel...that the rest of the world isn't always as supportive as we'd like on this IF journey.  Educating the world about how it feels to be on this road is a huge step in gaining support and understanding.  The Golden Haiku is one way for us to (hopefully) make headway there.  It's also a brilliant way to meet new bloggers and make connections we may not otherwise have a chance to find.  You can submit the same post you submitted for Creme, or something new.  These posts will go up on January 15th.  The rules for submission are a bit different (you won't your own summary haiku (hence the name), for example), so please check out the link above before heading over to the form to submit your favorite ambassadorial post.

LFCA
Lastly, but certainly not least, LFCA reached it's monumental 500th post this week!  If you're not sure what LFCA is, it stands for Lost and Found and Connections Abound.  It's a literal one-stop-shop for finding out the biggest happenings (projects, questions, losses and joyful announcements) in the ALI Blogosphere on any given day.  But, more than that, it's a way for our community to come together to support each other.  If LFCA is already near and dear to you heart, I encourage you to leave a comment on the Reflections post.  I doubt I'll ever forget the day one of my dear readers submitted my news to LFCA or the day I first submitted someone else's.  I know it sounds incredibly sappy, but it really is like a giant hug when you need it most!  The support offered and received is immeasurable.  I will continue to submit your news to LFCA and I hope you'll do the same for me and others!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming...

It's (Almost) Really Happening!

This is really beginning to feel real...that we might actually be starting IVF #1 this time next month.  Next month...January!  Seriously!  Thanks to my "I can't even begin to describe how wonderful they are" in-laws, our remaining financial concerns surrounding the IVF prepayment have been solved.  I seriously can't even begin to describe how blessed and loved I feel right now...that Hubby's parents feel so strongly about us being able to start our family that they're willing to support it in such a generous way; that these people who I'm not related to by blood have always treated me as if I was born to be a part of their family.  I never feel like the "daughter-in-law" the way I hear so many other people describe it. 

There is no stigma attached to "mother-in-law" or "father-in-law" in our family either.  I use the labels to help others understand the relationships, but I don't say it with disdain and I correct people when they assume the worst.  In fact, so many people seem amazed (or aghast) when they hear that Hubby's dad is living with us for while the ILs are mid-relocation.  Truth be told, though, I'll be sad to see him go.  He goes out of his way to make our lives easier.  And, I know that we're lucky to be able to share this extra time with him.  His relationship with Hubby is stronger than ever and I know we also have this transition time to thank.  I'm fully aware that this kind of in-law relationship is a rarity, and I plan to never take it for granted!

Of course, now that we know for sure that we can actually pay for IVF #1, the one remaining obstacle falls squarely on me...me and my remaining 3.5 pounds, that is!  I hit a bit of a plateau the first half of this week.  FIL, who also used to be a personal trainer, quizzed about what I had been eating and my exercise program.  As it turned out, he thought I needed to mix it up a bit more, so I started doing some Ji.llian Mich.chaels workouts (of Big.gest L.oser fame).  OMG!  Seriously, they're killer...but WOW do they work.  I started those workouts on Wednesday and, after sitting still on the scales for three days, I dropped another 2.5 pounds as of today.  So, only 3.5 to go!  That seems totally doable by next week.

Next week!?  Next week, I will hopefully be signing the trial consent form for our first IVF cycle!  I'm struggling a bit with how I should feel about this, because, truthfully, I mostly feel excited.  But, I'm also completely aware of the fact (and keep reminding Hubby) that IVF #1 may not work for us.  I don't want either of us to look at it as a sure thing.  But, I do want us to fill ourselves with the belief that it could happen.  And, not only that it could, but that there are strong odds in our favor. 

I haven't figured out how to temper my excitement at the chance, the first real chance, IVF #1 provides us with nervousness I feel about the negative "what ifs."  I'm by no means seeing it as a sure thing.  My excitement doesn't come from that place.  It comes from the fact that I want a shot at this.  I want a shot at starting our family and this clinical trial is our best shot. 

I'm also still in a bit of shock and disbelief at how the saying "everything happens for a reason" is coming true in our lives.  That we would have gotten the answers we needed when we did and ended up receiving the IVF recommendation right on the tail end of this trial, but still with enough time to take part, is amazing in and of itself.  That we waited as long as we did (until after our move South) to start TTC and ended up being here, with access to the trial, when we need it most is equally amazing.  Then, there's the fact that the trial was supposed to end in October but has been extended, for unknown reasons, just long enough for us to take part.  Or last, but certainly not least, that those we love (and who love us) were so supportive that they were willing to help us make the last pieces of the puzzle together.  None of this is lost on me. 

For years, I was ready to TTC and Hubby wasn't.  He had good reasons and I understood them...I just didn't necessarily like them.  Looking back, though, it all makes sense.  I feel confident that this was the path that was always meant for us.  I fought it for much too long, because I struggle so much with the unknown.  Perhaps our TTC/IF journey is God's way of finally teaching me to trust His path.  That's a message I've been hearing for awhile, but I've struggled to learn.  Now I get it.  And so, I trust that the trial will not close before I can lose this last 3.5 pounds or before my cycle starts mid-January.  And, I will continue to believe that, no matter the results, there's a reason for the journey (though that may be the most difficult part if the results aren't what we hope for).

Sorry for the long and rambling post (and I'm aware that many of my posts are long, they're just not usually this all over the place...at least I hope they're not!).  My thoughts are definitely a bit jumbled right now.  Excitement and nerves all bundled up in my brain looking for a place to escape!  And, I guess my blog was it!  I'm admittedly not sure how I should feel, because right now I continue to feel like Christmas has come a bit early this year.  I suspect that the true weight of this may hit me when we sign the consent, and even more so when I've got protocol in hand.  But, excitement at the chance seems an appropriate feeling in this moment, so I'm going to keep riding the positive energy as long as I can!

Show & Tell: Deck the Halls

It's time again for Mel's Show & Tell.  When you get done here, please go check out what the rest of the class is sharing.  We'd love for you to share, too!

We decorated for Christmas the week of Thanksgiving.  Last year, we were technically in the house by Christmas, but all of our stuff didn't arrive from MN until a few days later.  So, this was the first year that we were able to decorate for Christmas in the new house.   I was so pleased with how it turned out!  It's amazing what a difference a roaring fire, stockings and a tree can make to your entire mental state.  It was also so wonderful to have Andy's family spend Thanksmas with us.  Their stockings, and two for our dogs, Audrey and Gracie, helped to make the mantle feel full this year!  The house just feels warmer, and I don't think it's the fire! :-)

I'm Not Positive

The following post is brought to you by a guest blogger courtesy of Cross-Pollination Day!  Keep reading to learn more!

Please excuse me for being a terrible blogger. At first, I don't post because I'm trying to be all Zen in my 2ww's and it takes too much energy to be Zen and post at the same time. Then, I don't want to post about all my possible symptoms (again) and about the resulting negative (again) and about how I'm devastated (again).

In my life, I have been a pretty glass-is-half-full kind of person. Despite the lifelong struggle with depression, I come off as and actually have been a positive person to be around, someone with a good outlook on life and uplifting thoughts for the future.

I think I'm losing that. I think I'm losing me. I hate this and everything IF has done and is doing to me. I just keep crying out, "Why?" Why is this happening? There cannot be a purpose to this pain.

I didn't need IF to love my kids. I'm certain that I'd love my children with all my heart and soul, no matter how easy their conceptions, pregnancies, and births.

I didn't need IF to love my husband. We were already tasked with going through hell. We've come out the other side and didn't need IF to know that we have a strong bond.

I didn't need IF to know my own strength. I already knew how strong I was; that I could get through anything life throws at me.

I didn't need IF to know that I have many blessings. I was and am immensely grateful for the many good thing in my life.

What IF gives me is:
LONELINESS
ANGER
JEALOUSY
GRIEF
RESENTMENT
SADNESS
RAGE

I don't hate pregnant women or women with children.

I hate IF.

I hate that I'm the last of my local IF friends to be "sans".

I hate that I have to put up with a SIL who told me that I'll be a terrible parent because I'm doing fertility treatments.

I hate that I'll never be able to tell my parents, my in-laws, and my family and friends that I'm pregnant for the first time and actually have a baby out of it.

I hate that I've been "lapped" by many IF bloggers that I read and love, never mind all those fertiles.

I hate that a possible "cure" for someone else's IF is for me to start reading their blog.

I hate that I'm thinking of taking over one of the stalls in the bathroom at work since I spend so much time there, what with OPKs and Prometrium and its aftereffects.

I hate that years are passing me by while I try to build my family.

I hate that this hasn't worked yet.

I hate this.

I hate IF.
___________________________
This was written just after I received the negative beta on our fourth ART cycle. I chose to use it for Cross-Poll, because I think we can all relate to the whirlwind of emotions surrounding IF.

Notes from Lin:
Have you guessed who the guest blogger is yet?  Go to the Great Blog Cross-Pollination Page and check the list of sans bloggers.  Today's guest blogger is in there somewhere. 

Got your guess?  Great!  Then, add a comment in the comments section of this post to let everyone know who your guess is. 

After you've posted with your guess, check HERE to see if you're right.  Please go check out her blog!  And, you can read my post for today on her blog, as well!

Hope you enjoyed today's switcharoo!  Thanks to Jendeis for being my Cross-Poll buddy!  Regular Programming will resume soon!