So much emotion in three simple words

The title of this blog has been through at least three iterations in the four months. I don't even remember the first few titles...they were cute, but held no actual personal value. More recently, I had settled on "TTC=Trying not To go Crazy." That really seemed very fitting given the pre-O crazies I've been experience, not to mention the general craziness that the entire TTC process can bring on. I liked it...it was unique and did have a personal connection. But, it had one problem. I want to be able to continue to use this blog post TTC when our "someday family" is a "now family", so to speak. And, though we hope to have more than one, "TTC=Trying not To go Crazy" doesn't seem to fit the in between times that I hope we one day get to experience.

So, I finally settled on "Our Someday Family." It just feels right to me, but it does come with its own set of issues. One of them, the biggest actually, is the fact that it implies that we don't have a family now. I would vehemently argue that Andy, Gracie, Audrey and I are, in fact, a very loving family, with or without kids. Sometimes I look into their big puppy eyes and ask, "Why can't this be enough?" Or, at least, why can't it be enough for now like it was in the beginning.

It's no secret that one of the original reasons we got a puppy (Gracie, in the beginning) was to prep ourselves for a baby. It helped for a bit. And, then that longing started to get louder and louder until I couldn't take it anymore, but we still weren't both ready. So, we got Audrey (a puppy mill rescue) and our family felt complete...for a time. Now I'm at the point that the longing screams at me constantly and we ARE ready, both of us. But, it doesn't matter, because now apparently life isn't ready for us. I long for the day when our loving dogs can play with our adorable, longed for baby, toddler, child...

"Our Someday Family" represents that struggle of mine to find peace and then, hopefully, one day to enjoy the family we so lovingly continued. I chose the word continued carefully so as not to discount the one we've already started. It's a very, very fine line between light and dark, crazy and sane, peace and war, all happening in my mind at any given time. "Our Someday Family" encapsulates all of that for me.

Wednesday Hodge Podge (Highs, Books and Workouts)

Highs
My post from Monday was right on, as it turns out. The wave of hormones that I registered as mood swings, also registered on my Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor (CBEFM) on Tuesday as my first High fertility day of the month. The good news is that, so far, I'm not the raging maniac that I was last month around this time! I think that just knowing what's going on has made it a little easier.

Books
In the last four days, I've started 3 books and finished 2! I go through cycles when it comes to reading books. Sometimes I would rather just read magazines or websites and don't feel the need to lose myself in a book. Other times, I can devour books for days. This is one of those times. And, I'm grateful for the good timing. Reading keeps my head in a book rather than biting other people's heads off (see above, or below post for that matter). It also is helping the time go faster between now and the 8/25 appointment. In fact, we're officially less than 2 weeks away! I think that I'm going to search out one of those bookshelf gadgets for the blog to hopefully keep me motivated to keep reading...Here's the list so far.


Digital Fortress by Dan Brown
One of his first. A little dated in some parts (Prodigy and AOL mentioned in present tense, for example), but the general premise holds true even 10+ years later. It was an enjoyable and fast read with all of Dan Brown's usual twists, turns and puzzle solving.


Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
I couldn't take it anymore. I caved. If one more person told me that I should read this series, I was going to scream. Rather than scream, I bought the book and joined the throngs of obsessed fans. Amazing how quickly that happened, actually! The want-to-be English teacher in me is also rather amazed at Ms. Meyer's writing ability. Seriously, the amount of emotion she crams into these books is staggering. She writes about facial expressions and the minutia of vocal tone in such a way that I have begun to recognize those things more in real life, too! Any good English teacher could go to town with her writing (assuming you could get past the parental consent necessary to read a book about vampires in class...but, that's a subject for an entirely different post).


New Moon by Stephanie Meyer
I told you I had joined the obsessed! :-) Seriously, there was no way I could not keep reading; they're just that good. That said, I haven't found New Moon to be quite as enjoyable...yet. I'm only 300 pages in. The switch in a few of the main characters keeps things interesting, but I find myself longing for the "original cast." (And that's probably all I can say without it being a spoiler for those who haven't read it yet).


Workouts
Part of our new healthy attitude (at least one new, healthy thing per day) is more exercise. I dare say that I'm having better luck at this for the moment, but I think I can bring Andy over soon enough. He's focusing more on healthy eating at the moment. Anyway, I've been doing On Demand workout videos through Time Warner Cable...mostly because it's 100+ degrees outside in the afternoon and I just can't talk myself into going out in the heat, even though the dogs would probably enjoy the walk. I've been pleasantly surprised to find that I rather enjoy Leslie Sansone's Walk at Home series. I would have thought it could be pretty boring just walking around the living room, but she keeps it interesting. And, the music forces you to walk at a very brisk pace...you can walk 2 miles in right around 30 minutes! I'm not sure I'd have so much luck if the dogs and I were walking outside! Still, I do long for a bit cooler tips so they can get more exercise than fetch alone...
 
By the way, the English teacher in me also wants to know why Blogger is missing an underline tool for those book titles up above.  Hmmm....am I just missing it?

Let the Pre-Ovulation Crazies Begin

So, I'm officially on CD9 and I can feel the pre-O hormonal surge beginning. In fact, this is one of the few, subtle double meanings behind the title of my blog. The fact is that since I went off birth control pills (BCP) in March, I have had insane hormonal mood swings around ovulation...and it seems to be getting worse each month!

For lack of a better way to describe it, I'd say it feels a bit like severe PMS, but three weeks too early! From approximately CD10 through O day (usually between CD15 and CD19 for me), I've got everything from paranoia to cry at the drop of a hat. It's very much extreme and it gets in the way of relationships and work, to some extent. Andy is a wonderful source of support during that time of the month, partly because we've dealt with similar issues over the years related to his depression. More than most, he clearly understands the phrase "I can't just flip the switch and make my brain stop working that way." Other people aren't always so understanding. And, I'll admit that the full "wrath" does seem to be taken out a bit more on my pregnant friends than my TTC-ones...and Andy, even more so, takes the brunt of it because I see him most often.

After a particularly awful episode last month, we realized that there was something more going on here than just "normal" hormonal mood swings. Shortly thereafter, my doctor decided that there were a combination of factors converging to create this added insanity...first, I probably have a predisposition to PMDD (Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder) and I'm likely having a particularly hard time coming off of BCP.

The former was not surprising to me in the least. Over the 10 years that I was on BCP, I tried at least 6 different brands all of which caused a myriad of side effects from low sex drive to extreme mood swings. Finally, a doctor prescribed Yaz, of course, is specifically formulated to help treat PMDD. It worked brilliantly for my last two years on BCP. And, then I went off BCP and found myself with increased sex drive (YAY!) but mood swings to trump all of the BCP-induced mood swings combined!

However, the latter point (that I'm just having a hard time coming off BCP) has irked me a bit. I guess this annoyance comes from the "why us," "this sucks" category of my brain. But, I find it particular annoying/frustrating that some people can get pregnant while still on BCP. Others can get pregnant the month after coming off. Still others have no adverse issues coming off it at all. And then there's us...obviously not pregnant while on the pill or shortly thereafter (though, we know the source of many of those issues now) AND having trouble coming off the pill. It's rather annoying!

But, then the rational "what are we going to do about it" side of my brain kicks in. It reminds me that it's not all out of my control. My doctor has offered Xanax if it doesn't get any better or gets worse. Meanwhile, I'm going to get a massage this week, strategically timed at the beginning of the O surge so that I can hopefully fend off the "crazies" a bit longer. I'm also hoping that just knowing that its coming will help me not put myself in situations to trigger it. If all else fails, or in addition to "all else," I'm looking into meeting with a therapist...particularly if we really are on this journey long-term. If your eyebrows were raised at the word "therapist," then look for a future blog post on the virtues of therapy in our society these days, but I digress...(hmmm, shall we blame that snippiness on the pre-O crazies? ;-)

Finding peace on the journey...

Yah, cheesy title, maybe. But, that's a pretty good summary of how I'm feeling these days-- at peace, for the most part. As strange as it sounds given the news, I feel like we're exactly where we are meant to be. The SA results were not really a surprise to either of us. For reasons I can't explain, I've always felt like this process would not be "easy" for us. As it turns out, Andy felt similarly, but never let on until now.

After my rather emotional processing of the new information (SA results) last weekend, I realized that there are so many options that I have no doubt whether or not we'll have kids. The only question is when and how. And, it's the when that causes me particular angst. I'm not necessarily sure that I'm mentally/emotionally prepared to be in this for the long haul, but I will learn (not that I have much choice in the matter! LOL!).

But, other than that last, albeit rather big, hang-up, I (and we) have found some peace with where we are on this journey. I think that's partly because it just feels right. I'm still struggling to figure out how something so crappy can feel so right for us, but it does somehow. We are committed to having a family and to learning what we're meant to learn on this journey. It will likely not always make sense and it will likely be frought with more bad news before the good news. But, we'll get through it, just like we always have, and be closer, communicate better, and cherish each other and our future children more, because of it. Of that much I am certain...

Dominoes

After taking a bit of time to process the not-so-good SA results, I realized that we had to find a way to get through the next three weeks (until the appointment) with both or our sanity still intact. I had done the research...I knew that our options are limited if we can't improve the morphology. However, what my research also showed me was that there was HOPE!

Sure, worst-case, long-term scenario took us all the way to the most expensive, most in-depth of all the fertility treatments...IVF w/ ICSI. But, rarely do we not put up a fight when things aren't going our way! What my research also showed was that there are things we can do to help ourselves...
- Eat more fruits and veggies.
- Take a specific blend of vitamins, or a highly recommended multi specifically for our situation.
- Cut out cigars (depending on who you ask, a "hobby" or a habit ;)
- Start exercising more!
- De-stress to whatever extent possible.

Those ar the things we can do ourselves in the next three weeks to make the time go by faster. There are other things the urologist will want to do...another SA, probably, blood work, etc. I nervously await his thoughts. But, in the meantime, we don't have to lay down and take this. We can work together, like we always do, to make our dream of starting a family a reality NOW, even when everything looks pointed against us.

So, one new, healthy thing a day...That's our challenge! Hopefully, eventually one new thing will turn into a domino effect of many healthy things without too much effort. I hope!

Just the beginning...

Depending on when you start counting, we're either 8 months or 5 months into our TTC journey. It was 8 months ago that we decided that we were both ready. There was one "minor" detail that had to happen first...my exploratory laparoscopy. That happened in March. No endo=GREAT! Adhesion removed=GREAT! I had to wait until after my surgery to go off the pill, on doctors orders...So, April was when we really could get the TTC show started.

Knowing that there were fertility issues on both sides of the family, we sat some milestones from the beginning. The first one was the lap before we got started. The second, was a four month SA. I've always had the feeling that this wouldn't be easy...every month just made that nagging voice louder. Four months came and went....and hear we are.

I got the call I never wanted, but was somehow not surprising. It went something like..."low count, low volume, low motility, 100% abnormal morphology. Call the specialist as soon as you get off the call with me (my nurse) because your chances are extremely slim without help." My heart sank and I felt some where in between tears and throwin up...

But, I held it together for Andy. We shared a tearful embrace, each trying to be strong for the other. And, then we reminded each other that this wasn't a huge surprise and that we would work through it--together--just like so many things before this.

I started researching the problem. Andy decided to wait until the appointment with the specialist to decide just how much to worry. That's fine, we're two very different people with very different, but extremely compatible personalities. I suppose you could say that we're the epitamy of "opposites attract." I take comfort in talking abou the same thing, even if there's no resolution yet....turning to others who are dealing with the same thing...writing about my feelings...and researching. Andy prefers to take it one step at a time and not worry too much until he's given reason to worry. I hope that our 8/25 appointment with the urologist does NOT give him a reason to worry!

Either way, it is becoming more and more clear that despite the fact that we're on month 5 or 8 (depending on who you ask), we're really only just beginning. And, it's that fact that I'm struggling with this week...

Revisiting the blog...

So, I'll admit, when I started this blog a few months ago, I had high hopes that we'd be pregnant by now. I created this blog to document our journey to parenthood. Despite the nagging fear that ours wouldn't be a quick journey, I'd hoped that I could be blogging about the joys of pregnancy by now. I think I subconsciously held off on posting here because it meant that we were actually on a "journey" and not a first, second, or third lucky try.

I'll also admit that I wasn't originally sure how to manage the blog plus the online communities that I've come to depend on so much during this journey. However, I think that what I've decided is that the blog is best for keeping family and friends up-to-date. Sure, I know that many will say that we shouldn't tell everyone that we're trying. And, maybe I'll learn that lesson by TTC #2. Right now, though, I )and we) really need the support of our friends and family. I'm not really sure how I'll let people know that the blog is here, but if we really are in it for the long haul (like we very well may be), I figure that the blog may end up save us from having to repeat everything to everyone everytime. And, eventually, people may start to ask how things are going anyway...we can just sent them here to catch up.

With those caveats out of the way, here are the reasons why I still think I need to write this blog...now more than ever.
1) Writing has always been cathartic for me. I'm really have a tough time with all of this and the emotional roller coaster that goes along with coming off BCP, too. Recent news only confirms that we are very likely at the beginning of what may be a long journey. It will require me to change my way of thinking on this and come to terms with some things I hoped I wouldn't have to. Writing may be one of the best ways for me to do that...so, here it will be!
2) The support I've received online from message boards to blogs has been invaluable! In fact, I'm fairly certain that I would feel rather alone and lost without it. I know there are some that think that exacerbates issues. However, when you are the only person you know going through something, it can feel terribly lonely. The internet makes that a most unlikely occurrence...there's almost certainly someone else going through the same thing, it's just a matter of finding them. I only hope that I can provide the same level of support I have received in these few short months!