Monday, November 1, 2010


Tomorrow is our first "transition" day at daycare.  I'm grateful for the chance to transition, because it might make leaving him there all day starting next week infinitesimally easier.  I'll take whatever small bit of "easier" I can get. The Merriam-Webster definition doesn't do much to make me feel any better about this either...

Transition (noun): passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another.  See also: change.

What new "state" are we passing into?  It's not so much the idea of me going back to work that bothers me, or even the fact that other people will be caring for him during the day (although the fact that he'll will essentially spend more time at daycare during the day than with us doesn't make me very happy).  We picked an awesome Montessori daycare/preschool, so I know that he will be well taken care of.  No, on the surface it's not either of those things troubling me tonight. 

It's really all about the fear of missing things.  More accurately...the fear of missing everything.

What are the odds that his firsts are going to happen between the few hours he's awake in the evenings after we get home or on the weekend?  The odds aren't really in our favor.  I've never been that good with change.

The hubby has mentioned that if I really want to stay home, we would find a way to make it work.  We'd have to change our lifestyle quite a bit.  But, we have managed to survive the last two months of my leave without a paycheck.  I don't actually believe that we could make it long-term without my paycheck, but maybe we could. 

The truth is that I never thought I'd be a very good stay-at-home-mom.  I really like my job.  Some days, I even love my job.  I need projects.  My brain needs challenges...and not so much the "what's causing that particular cry" kind.  I really love the people I work with and the corresponding adult interaction.  I've even felt a little isolated at times during the last few months.

So, as much as I don't want to go back, I do want to, too.  And, I don't know what that says about me as a mom or as a woman.  In a perfect world, I could work from home...come up with some brilliant new product or business idea and go from there.  But, the truth is that I have no such ideas.  Apparently, I wouldn't be a very good entrepreneur either!

What I do know is that I'm a great mother.  I love my little man with all my heart and want nothing but the best for him.  I just don't know yet whether that means me at home or me at work.  Both answers scare me...


VA Blondie said...

It is hard going back to work. I also never considered staying home. I was actually going a bit batty by the end of my maternity leave. I ended up going back part time, which worked really well for me. I got to work, but still had plenty of time to be at home with the little one.

I hope you find what works for you.

Ruby said...

I dont think that working vs staying at home says anything at all about the type of mother or woman we are or how we raise our kids. I work very very part time right now and I enjoy the 5 hours a week I get to go to work. I miss my baby and appreciate him a TON when I get to see him again the next day. I look forward to going back to work full time when that comes for me. You do the best with what you have at the time and honor what is best for you and your family. Hugs!!! You'll be great and so will LMH :)

Melissa said...

Oh...I hear ya on this post.

I always thought that since I was ready to go back to work for the adult interaction, the challenges it gives me and lets face it sometimes a little "me" time meant that I was a bad Mom but in truth...not true.

I agree with Ruby, now that I hardly see my baby, which breaks my heart, I treasure every moment with her. Not that I didn't before but it's different.

I wish you the best of luck!

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