Thankful

You might notice that there are some format changes happening here today.  I've been wanting to switch over to a three-column format for awhile because I was accumulating more and more buttons for the sidebar. I couldn't ever find easy enough to understand instructions, though (on that note, I highly recommend Three Column Blogger for help with the transition).  What finally pushed me over the edge?

Well, for starters, I've noticed that the tone of my posts lately have been a little bleak.  The tone here definitely ties to my real-life tone and I could use a bit of an attitude adjustment, I think.  In the spirit of Veteran's Day and with Thanksgiving nearly upon us, I wanted to add a sidebar gadget about "What I'm thankful for today..."  I think that by thinking about that everyday (and writing it here), I'll be more inclined to see the good all around me, rather than just the not-so-good IF stuff.

So, check out the top right sidebar gadget each day to see "what I'm thankful for today."  And, feel free to join in, either in the comments, or with your own sidebar gadget.

Reality Sets In

I'm pretty sure we've been living in a dream world. Or, I have anyay...and Hubby? Well, he's been living in a "don't won't to hurt her feelings, just want her to be happy...at any cost" world.

I think it's a symptom of Hubby's depression; he often spends money and/or avoids dealing with money situations when he's feeling particularly bad. In reality, I've known that for awhile, but I trusted that he could handle it. That was my dream world. I should have been more involved from the beginning. And, even though, we often talk about a more team approach, we relatively quickly end up retreating to our comfortable roles instead. Now, I even wonder if we should abandon the team approach to our finances and just have me be the point person (and idea rhat really scares me).

We should be older and wiser by now. We should have figured all of this out before now. We've been at the brink before and managed to survive, but I can't say we came out unscathed. However, the sad part is that apparently we never learned the right lessons. So, sure we were trying to sell our house for 17 months and did a massive cross-country move last year. I guess, some financial unrest would be understandable. And, if it had all started there, it would be one thing. But, the problems are old...and we don't appear to be any wiser. I guess the first part of our path to wisdom is admitting that there's a problem. But, beyond that, we're definitely not any wiser yet.

How does this all relate to IF? As you might imagine, despite Hubby's glowing reassurances that we'd find a way to pay for the IVF trial if it was what I wanted to do (and don't even get me started on that choice of words), the truth is that we can't. Or, that we'd be crazy to, to be more accurate. I'm not against a natural IUI in January/February (thanks to my new treatment insurance for next year), but anything beyond that seems ill-advised at the moment (and even that seems less than wise, except for the emotional gain of feeling like we've got a few more percentage points chance that month).

We've got to figure out how to dig out of this whole we've created for ourselves first. When it comes our finances, I'm generally over-pessimistic, but Hubby is WAY over-optimistic. The fact is that despite his reassurances, I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel, at least not any time soon. Hopefully it's not really as bad as all that, but we certainly are way overdue for learning some valuable spending and budgeting lessons.

So, I'm not sure where this really leaves us treatment-wise. We're moving ahead with my hysteroscopy on Friday. I suspect that the 5th SA and follow-up with the RE are all still on, as well. But, beyond that (and maybe some natural IUIs), we may have to hold off for a bit. I'm just not sure if "a bit" is a month or two...or more.  And, I really dislike that unknown.

It's a precarious balance..."all the ducks in a row before the babymaking begins."  Or, "start the family and the rest will follow."  I'm just not sure what that balance looks like for us anymore.

The 2% Moved my Cheese

An update on my slightly tipsy Saturday night post...I woke up Sunday morning with barely a headache.  I think I just felt a bit worse than I really was because I didn't have much food the last hour or so.  All in all, it was a fun, well worth it, time!

Tying up lose ends from last week, we FINALLY got the morphology results!  As the title suggests, it was 2% normally shaped.  As the lab technician so eloquently put it "that's still abnormal," but it's our best yet.  We're now leaning towards some IUIs early next year before moving on to IVF.  Improving morph is one reason, finances are another, but I'll save that for a different post.

Finally, you'll recall that I was expecting some news on "exciting updates" at work yesterday.  Well, it was about what I figured.  My job scope will increase (ultimately a good thing), my title will change (a great thing), but my manager will also be changing (this makes both me and my manager sad!)...and no one can tell me whether or not it will be a lateral move or a grade level increase.  I'm still hoping for the latter.  Even if not right now, though, I'm assured that it will happen soon.  Soon is a relative term, though.  All in all, it was a rather anti-climactic meeting with a lot of build-up for mostly nothing. 

I'm excited about the changes, but not excited about the manager change.  Not the least of the reasons why is that now I'll have to re-explain the IF situation to the new boss.  Luckily, that person, though not officially named yet, will be someone I already work with who I think will be understanding and flexible.  Still not looking forward to rehashing it, though.

So, my cheese got moved at work-- better in the long-term, a bit painful in the short-term.  And, I suppose, in some ways, the 2% morph results moved our IF cheese, too, though in a good way.  It just kind of caused us to re-evaluate and be a little more encouraged to give IUI a chance.  I guess it also potentially falls into the "better in the long-term, a bit painful in the short-term" category, though. 

Ever get that feeling where you really need something (anything?!) to just be quick and easy?  That's kind of how I feel this week!

A bit too much...

So, Hubby and a I went to a party that Hubby's former boss was throwing this evening for some friends of theirs in the neighborhood. We weren't from the neighborhood, but we were new to the neighborhood. We had a blast.

Near the end of the party, I found myself sitting at the dining room table with four other wonderful women. Two of them were empty nesters with youngest kids in college or older. Two were mothers to three to five month olds. The husbands were all outside talking about manly things. The women were inside talking about motherly things. I heard about how the one baby had cysts that turned out to be caused by the mother's hormones. I just laughed at the funny jokes and poured another glass of wine. I heard about how the second baby's dad didn't know immediately that she was a girl because she was so swollen, due to hormones, right after delivery. I just laughed. I found out that one of the empty nesters only had one "and-a-half" ovaries, but the time didn't seem right to inqure further.

Once I even decide to test the waters with a "getting pregnant isn't what the teach us in PE" comment.  Both of hte new mothers heard comments about how pregnancy, not conceiving, wasn't like PE.  I knew what I was dealing with then, and just had another glass.

I just went along with all the new mom conversations, because I was really enjoying hanging out with these women, despite the problematic subject. I went along and had another glass of wine...and another. Next thing I knew, I'd had a bit too much.

For the record, I'm almost ALWAYS the designated driver. This time, without even a conversation, the Hubby knew that it was his turn to be the DD. It was definitely a good thing, too, because I definitely had too much. It's so nice to hang out with non-judgemental people, but I guess I would've rather them known why the conversation at hand was a bit difficult for me. Oh well...off to sleep tonight; headache in the morning, I'm sure.

In Its Own Divine Time

Three things for this post...all which will happen "in their own divine time," as Hubby reminded me yesterday.

Issue number one...Hubby and I talked a bit about yesterday's issue. I sincerely thank each of you that offered your thoughts and thought processes. We left things in the "think on it" category. Exactly where I expected them to be, and exactly where they should be for where we are in the process. I should also add that after our conversation tonight we're leaning a bit more toward a few IUIs and then perhaps the next IVF clinical trial sometime after first quarter 2010. But, when the RE shares with us the percentages of successful IUI, I may change my mind on this...again. In time all of that will be clear, I trust,

---------------------------------------------

Issue number two...I'm fuming about the fact that we're still waiting on the morphology results from last Saturday's SA. Perhaps we've just been spoiled by the uro who could get us results, all of them-- including morphology, in an hour or two. But, seven days later seems more than excessive...and unacceptable. We've called a few times; they just haven't gotten to it yet. I guess it comes down to this: If they're going to take seven days to tell us it's another 0% normal, I will be even more PO'd. However, if the results are better, they can take all the time they need to count the little guys.

---------------------------------------------

Finally, issue number three...This is the one that Hubby actually said "all its own divine time."  Ironically, it has absolutely nothing to do with TTC.  Though he didn't say it, I do think he thought it was a message that wouldn't hurt to be applied to more than just one aspect of our current lives.  It's a message I can often stand to be reminded of.  Patience is not my forte.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand...On Thursday, my manager was called into a meeting with our director, the two other directors from our department and the VP to discuss "changes, all good changes, coming to the department."  I just had a hunch this was going to have something to do with me.  Sure enough, on Friday I came into work to find a meeting request for Monday with the same group (manager, three directors and the VP) to discuss "exciting updates" coming our way. 

My department is sort of in the midst of a reorganization and I've been openly pulling for cross utilization of my role since the beginning.  I suspect this meeting has something to do with that.  It's almost certainly a positive thing for me.  I'm expecting anything from a promotion to a title increase to a job diversification without promotion or title increase.  Any of them would be a step in the right direction (though I'd prefer either of the former to the latter).  My biggest concern, though, is it may include a change in managers, which is something I'll be pretty disappointed about.  My manager and I have a great working relationship; I don't want to give that up just yet.

So, just to prove to you all what a worrier I am...here I sit on Saturday morning worried about undoubtedly good news I'm (hopefully) going to receive around lunch time on Monday.  Such a silly girl!  This is about the time Hubby said that whatever the change is, it will be positive, and though my path may not be the one I expected, it will all happen "in its own divine time."  Since we did he get to be so philosophical, you ask?  It was something his grandma used to remind him.  Wise hubby; Wise grandma!

The Donor Discussion

I started writing this post a few weeks ago as a way of putting this idea to rest.  I thought that if I wrote it down, I could release it.  That's sort of how writing works for me.  I file it away here so that I can start to process it in the scope of the rest of my day/life/journey.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  This time, it's still haunting me.

From the beginning, long before we ever knew for sure that we were dealing with IF, back when we just knew that the odds were high based on family history, we said that all options would be on the table.  We've always been open to adoption, if it came to that, but it was always imagined as the last option on the journey. 

I had never really thought or considered donor sperm until we got the official IF diagnosis and I started reading blogs and message boards.  I brought it up once then.  In the beginning, before the full scope had set in for Hubby, he had indicated that it was something we could consider.  In his mind, it was the option before adoption.  After all biological means failed, we'd try donor, then adoption. 

That made sense to me, too, for awhile.  But, when it came time to actually start seriously moving toward IVF, I couldn't help but wonder if donor sperm was a "better" choice for us.  At first my definition of better was comprised mostly of the fact that it was so much cheaper.  I brought the subject up again after our trip to the RE last week.  Hubby pretty quickly said that he'd like to try IVF first.  So be it, I thought, and I wanted to file the though away.  Thought considered and rejected.  Move on.  After all, it wasn't my biological link we'd be foregoing.  How far could I really push it?  Biology trumps cost any day.

But, I haven't been able to file it away.  It's sort of lurking in the outer recesses of my thought patterns lately.  I can't process it.  If it were just the cost differential, I think I could lay the thought to rest.  To be honest, Hubby and I haven't always spent our money as wisely as we should.  If there were any place to overspend, this certainly seems like it.  There's more to it than that, though.

Remember in this post when I talked about the moment when my mother-in-law vividly remembers hoping beyond hope that her sons would never have to experience the pain that depression had caused her and my father-in-law?  I know that there's no hard evidence that depression is genetic, but Hubby's family may be the case study.  Looking back, my in-laws are now fairly certain that Hubby's grandpa suffered from chronic depression.  My father-in-law, brother-in-law and, of course, Hubby do, as well.  Clearly, there's a prevalence of depression on the male side of the lineage. 

And, this isn't the "pop a Prozac" and it's gone kind.  This is the "take multiple anti-depressants and still suffer" kind.  This is the "deal with it everyday" kind; the "sometimes depression rules our life" kind.  I talked in that same post about both the toll the depression takes and the strength we gain from it.  But, the bottom line is that I still wouldn't wish it on anyone, let alone our own son.

I feel like we have an opportunity to end the cycle.  I don't want us to have to wonder if our future son will have to battle the same internal demons or if his future wife will have to carry the same burden.  I know there's no guarantee.  The donor could have a similar prevalence in his family.  But, if we have the opportunity to try, shouldn't we take it?

So, I feel like I should bring up the subject again with Hubby this weekend.  I feel like I should lay this new wrinkle out for discussion.  I struggle with how to bring it up, because it's one thing to say that it's a cost factor.  That's something we can work through.  It's something entirely different to point out that his very biology is the problem.  And, the thought of pointing that out, though it will be more of a reminder than a surprise, pains me. 

Then, I struggle with how we compromise on this.  It's not my genetics, my biological link, at stake.  If he still says he'd rather not, at least not now, am I ok with that?  I feel like I can only push it so far.  But, how far?  And, what are the ramifications of choosing donor?  I can't even begin to imagine all of the issues that we'd have to consider, both now and later. 

I'm not even sure how ready I am to put that option on the table, but it seems like something we should consider before moving to IVF and I'm sure we haven't given it its fair share of discussion time yet.  Here's the running list of pros and cons in my head:
Pro
Chance to end the cycle of depression
Lower cost

Con
No biological link to Hubby

That con is a huge one.  I just can't process it.  Biology may trump cost, but when biology is the issue, we find ourselves back at square one.

So, blog friends, I need your help.  I know that many of you have considered, conceived, or are moving down the path of using donor sperm.  How did you decide?  How did you broach that conversation with DH?  What did your pros and cons list look like?

Fast Forward

Feels a little bit like someone hit the fast forward button on our life around here lately. Scratch that...it feels like someone hit the fast forward button on our friends' lives while ours sit at a standstill, just going through the motions.

Nine months ago, we were gearing up for my laparoscopy. (I struggle with what exactly to count as our first month TTC because we were immediately put on hold to wait for my laparoscopy in January, so we couldn't officially start until March.) Either way, we were excited and ready to get started and a little apprehensive about what might be found during the lap. At that point, an acquaintance of ours through BFF announced that she was pregnant with her first, on the first try. I was thrilled for them. It gave me hope...I didn't really believe that first try BFPs could happen. That belief didn't seem to coexist with the gut feeling I had, even then (way before then actually), that it wouldn't happen that way for us, but it still gave me hope.

Eight months ago, on the very day of my post-op when we finally got the all clear to officially start TTC, BFF called to announce her BFP, another first try. This one was more complicated. I was ecstatic, head-over-heels happy for them, but it was tempered by a few things. First, that we got to enjoy our own TTC all-clear news for a total of about 2 hours before it got blown out of the water. Second, that this order of events, that we didn't even get to share TTC for even a month, was tough for me to handle. We had talked for such a long time about being TTC together, though I also was also glad she didn't have to experience a BFN or worse news on her journey. Third, and overarching, I couldn't shake the feeling that we would still be trying in December. The odds of us being the third first try in as many months seemed remote, to say the least.

Seven months ago, my boss got married....and conceived on her honeymoon, another first try. Three months later she announced, though I saw it coming from a mile away. She had been pretty open about her desire for a honeymoon baby and had even mentioned one time in passing that she was ovulating that weekend. My preggo spidey sense was tingling when she had a doctor's appointment almost exactly four weeks later and came in late due to an "upset tummy" a few weeks after that. It was no surprise at all to me when she announced.

And yet, that news on the very same day of some particularly insensitive words from BFF, added up to what was probably the second hardest day of our journey so far (the first being the day we got the first SA results from the nurse). It was probably the closest thing to a panic attack I've ever experienced. Luckily, I have an office with a door and it happened at lunch time when I could escape for some air without being seen. The boss' first try BFP solidified for me what I had already known. We were in this for the long haul. The odds were against us...three first try BFPs in our life? Seriously? Someone has to be the one in four dealing with an IF situation, right? Lucky us (all of us, that is...and yes, that was dripping with sarcasm.).

So, here we are, fast forward nine months. The first of the first tries delivered her beautiful baby boy on Sunday night. I'm thrilled that mother and baby are doing well. The boss' baby shower is this afternoon. And, BFF is set to deliver in just a few short weeks. With all of that, this week has felt a little painful. It occurred to me that in the timespan that these wonderful women in my life both conceived and delivered, we're still trying. Not only are we still trying, we're contemplating IVF and possibly even starting our first cycle.

I know that many of you have been through this many times over, so I know I'm not alone in these feelings. I also know that it's not easy for any of us. I'd like to think that the first is the hardest, but I doubt it. I imagine this will only get more difficult over the next few months until the first try trio have all become wonderful mothers doting beautiful babies in strollers.

I wish I knew how to push the fast forward button on our life, to get to those beautiful moments somewhere in our future. Then again, I know that these tough moments in the middle will make us better parents in the long run. In the back of my head I know that. But, in the forefront this week is a mixture of emotion that I don't much care for...sadness, frustration, jealously, anger, and joy. What's wrong with me when I feel sadness out of joy? No, I don't much care for that at all.