Transition

Tomorrow is our first "transition" day at daycare.  I'm grateful for the chance to transition, because it might make leaving him there all day starting next week infinitesimally easier.  I'll take whatever small bit of "easier" I can get. The Merriam-Webster definition doesn't do much to make me feel any better about this either...

Transition (noun): passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another.  See also: change.

What new "state" are we passing into?  It's not so much the idea of me going back to work that bothers me, or even the fact that other people will be caring for him during the day (although the fact that he'll will essentially spend more time at daycare during the day than with us doesn't make me very happy).  We picked an awesome Montessori daycare/preschool, so I know that he will be well taken care of.  No, on the surface it's not either of those things troubling me tonight. 

It's really all about the fear of missing things.  More accurately...the fear of missing everything.

What are the odds that his firsts are going to happen between the few hours he's awake in the evenings after we get home or on the weekend?  The odds aren't really in our favor.  I've never been that good with change.

The hubby has mentioned that if I really want to stay home, we would find a way to make it work.  We'd have to change our lifestyle quite a bit.  But, we have managed to survive the last two months of my leave without a paycheck.  I don't actually believe that we could make it long-term without my paycheck, but maybe we could. 

The truth is that I never thought I'd be a very good stay-at-home-mom.  I really like my job.  Some days, I even love my job.  I need projects.  My brain needs challenges...and not so much the "what's causing that particular cry" kind.  I really love the people I work with and the corresponding adult interaction.  I've even felt a little isolated at times during the last few months.

So, as much as I don't want to go back, I do want to, too.  And, I don't know what that says about me as a mom or as a woman.  In a perfect world, I could work from home...come up with some brilliant new product or business idea and go from there.  But, the truth is that I have no such ideas.  Apparently, I wouldn't be a very good entrepreneur either!

What I do know is that I'm a great mother.  I love my little man with all my heart and want nothing but the best for him.  I just don't know yet whether that means me at home or me at work.  Both answers scare me...

NaBloPoMo & Halloween

What better way to jump back into blogging than to dive in head first with NaBloPoMo?  What's NaBloPoMo, you ask?  Why National Blog Posting Month, of course!  Essentially it's a challenge to write a post every day for 30 days during the month of November.

So, join us...can you blog 30 times in 30 days?  If you're up for the challenge, you can sign up here at NaBloPoMo central or with Suzy at Not a Fertile Myrtle.
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It's Halloween and here in Texas apparently we trick-or-treat on Halloween, even when Halloween falls on a Sunday.  Not really sure what to expect by way of trick-or-treaters.  Last year, Halloween was on a Sunday and we hardly had any stop by, so I'm thinking the numbers on a Sunday will be even lower (read nonexistent).  It really strikes me as odd, though, since we live in a very family oriented area/neighborhood.

We're planning to get H dressed up in either his puppy or little devil costume (will have to post a pic of the little devil...too funny) and hang out on the patio and wait for the kiddos.  Gracie and Audrey (the fursisters) bark like crazy when a doorbell rings, so it's just easier to avoid the doorbell and dispense candy from the patio!  I hope that we have at least a few trick-or-treaters...it is LMH's first Halloween after all!

I also just remembered that I was planning on making a Halloween themed dinner.  Would have been nice if I'd remembered that before the hubby left for Wal-Mart and was even nice enough to ask me if I needed anything.  Well, yes, as a matter of fact, but since he just pulled into the driveway, I think LMH and I will be headed out to the store a little later.  I'm thinking mummy dogs are on the menu!

Happy Halloween Everyone!

Little Man H!

I've missed blogging and I've missed all of you!  For some reason, I really just needed to take a break near the end of my pregnancy, but I never really planned on disappearing completely.  I needed a break, but I didn't know why.  Now, I do.  For awhile there, blogging made me feel somehow ungrateful and guilty.  I didn't how to straddle the line between fertile and infertile.  Blogging here, in particular, made me feel guilty...but, feeling guilty made me feel ungrateful for our miracle.  It's not that straightforward, though.  I know that now.  Reading blogs of people who had come out on the other side gave me so much hope during those darker days.  Maybe our story will do the same.

I always planned on coming back once he was born.  The latter end of our pregnancy had some unexpected complications, though...H came about a month early and I was unable to use the computer for a week or so before he was born and about a month after due to issues with my own vision.  I spent so much time worrying about him that I never really stopped to worry about myself.  In the end, he was perfect and I had the lingering issue....

So anyway, I've been waiting all this time to post, because I wanted to wait until I had his birthstory written...but, I'm still working on it.  In fact, I have writer's block.  It was such a time of emotional extremes...sheer joy at his birth and sheer terror at the thought (and reality) of not being able to see him.  It's been difficult to relive it in order to write it down, but I feel that I need to do it so that I can truly process it all.

H is FABULOUS!  He's an absolute dream baby!  Honestly, I can't imagine a more perfect, adorable baby boy and I already can't imagine what we did before he was here.  Our life and family just feel complete now...perfectly how it's supposed to be!

So, here are a few pics of his first fabulous, amazing, wonderful (I could keep going, but I digress...) three months with us.  I hope we're back now...I plan to be back.  I feel the need/urge to blog again now that our life is settling into its new normal.  I go back to work in about a week and I'm sort of terrified.  Real life is already much more complicated than my wonderful three months in a bubble with LMH were!  *sigh*

So, we're back!  I'm not sure what the blog will look like now, but Little Man H and I will be here for sure!  And, come on...how can you resist THAT face?

Belated ICLW Welcome

This is a much belated "hello and welcome to my blog" in honor of ICLW!  I ended up getting sick with a nasty sinus infection and pretty much slept for the better part of the last few days.  The sinus pressure was insane!  In the end, my OB prescribed some antibiotic on the premise that the infection was much worse for baby than the meds.  Sure enough, the antibitoic worked like a charm!  Gotta love the Z-pack!

Nothing much new going on here.  I guess I just don't feel like I have many interesting these to say these days.  We're formally in the second trimester now!  So, we also formally announced to our colleagues at work just this week.  We're at 14 weeks and got a lot of "why did you wait so long" responses.  It's a pretty personal thing!  I hung on a little longer before telling everyone because I was dealing with the fear of the jinx and not wanting to cause anyone else to feel like I did when others announced pregnancy news.  However, I finally realized that we deserved to celebrate, too...and that I would do my best to be considerably more tactful than many of my colleagues last year were.  Posting to Faceb00k, though?  I still haven't quite worked up the nerve to do that yet.

There are a few semi-exciting things going on this week, though...

1)  I looked in the mirror today and for the first time, I saw more bump than pudge!  I don't think that anyone else would possibly notice it through clothes.  But, I was just so excited to see it!  I don't expect there to be a noticeable bump for awhile, but I was excited to see it progressing...slow but sure!

2)  On Thursday night, Hubby and I are going to a giant consignment sale at the convention center for all things baby, children and maternity.  They've got everything from baby clothes to maternity clothes, cribs to toys. 

Much to my dismay (I've been on this soapbox lately), my company doesn't provide short-term disability.  We're determined for me to be able to take the full 12-weeks off, but it means that 2 months of it will be unpaid.  We've been budgeting and saving like crazy trying to make it work. 

One of the things that I've had to change my mindset on is nursery furniture.  I would've loved for us to have been able to buy an awesome, new designer crib from a boutique or something, but it's just not feasible.  And, my hope is that we'll be able to get something of higher quality by buying gently used than new.  The bottomline for me is that time with Beaker before I go back to work is certainly worth getting a bit creative with the furniture situation.

I'm hoping that we'll be able to find a crib, dresser and rocker at the consignment sale. Plus, the newly appearing bump requires that I do some shopping for maternity clothes, too!  Should be a good time, if Hubby can survive the onslaught of pregnancy hormones from all the women at the convention center!  LOL!  I'm hoping it's both fun and productive! 

Beaker Waves Hello!

Yesterday's NT Scan happened right on schedule! Actually, it happened early. I have absolutely no idea what happened on Tuesday, because even in the midst of a nasty wintry mix yesterday that ended up breaking the prior record for one-day snowfall in the Dallas-area, we somehow managed to get to the doctor's office 30 minutes early yesterday!

I'm so glad we decided to do the NT Scan, because it was the first time we saw Beaker move! I'm always nervous before ultrasounds, and this one was no exception. But, I felt more at peace this time than the last two. And, I was in awe of that growing, moving, waving, thumb-sucking little one in there!

I was secretly holding out hope that we might get a gender prediction out of our NT, but our sono doc said it was too early. And, even if she had been willing to venture a guess, I think it would have been tough given the way Beaker was laying. Still, we were able to get some great pics! And, I think I'm finally comfortable enough that Beaker has nestled in for the long haul to announce our news to everyone that doesn't already know in the next week or so. I've told people here and there, so plenty of people know, but the idea of a mass announcement has left me feeling sort of skiddish for some reason. It's time, though.

We haven't heard back quite yet on the NT bloodwork, but the nuchal fold measurements were all well-within normal limits. And, Beaker already has a prominent nose, which is also another sign of normal development at this point. Apparently, Down's Syndrome babies often haven't developed noses by this point.

We were thrilled that the NT results were great, but in reality this was mostly about seeing Beaker for us. And, with that Beaker did not disappoint! We have some great pictures to last us until weeks 18-20 when we've already decided that we'll be paying out-of-pocket for a u/s for gender determination. Even uber-patient, "go with the flow" Hubby was all for that when he heard that our next official u/s wasn't until 27 weeks. We have very little preference either way on boy or girl, but the suspense is killing us! :-)

So, without further adieu, Beaker says Hello!

A Murphy's Law Kind of Day

So, we were supposed to have our NT Scan this morning.  Unfortunately, it's been rescheduled until Thursday morning.  It's totally our fault, but that doesn't make me feel any better or leave many any less upset. 

For starters, as of last week we switched from my OB's satellite clinic to the main office because it's easier to get appointments there.  He's only at the satellite office once a week.  Last Friday's OB appointment was our first at the main office.  It's definitely farther from the house, but last week it only took us about 25 minutes.  We planned for about the same this morning.

However, we got off to a bit of a late start because there was a problem with one of the dogs.  Quick to fix, but we probably ended up leaving the house about 5 minutes to late.  Then, things started to really go downhill.  Traffic was heavier than usual to the extreme.  We hit every single freakin' red light.  And, then Hubby, who was driving ahead of me in the truck (I was following) with the GPS, took a wrong turn. 

I realized that we were pushing 10 minutes late, so I called the office to let them know that we were less than 5 minutes away.  The receptionist that answered the phone seemed to be having a particularly crabby day.  She very curtly said ok and hung up.  Then, 30 seconds later she called back and informed me that they wouldn't see us today and was extremely rude about it.  By the time I got off the phone with them rescheduling we were a block or two from the parking lot.

I was already upset and starting to cry just over the crabby attitude of the lady and the letdown of not seeing the baby today.  But, I had to call Hubby to let him know.  He wouldn't answer his phone.  And, still thinking he was lost (something that he doesn't deal with very well), thought that I was honking my horn and flipping my lights on and off to tell him that.  When he finally answers his phone, he said "I know" all rude-like and hung up on me! 

So, at this point, I'm the epitomy of a hormonal, crazy sobbing pregnant woman!

Luckily, when I called DH back sobbing he realized that something more was going on and actually listened to me.  Novel concept, right?  At that point, we parked in the parking lot right across from the doctor's office and he came over to my car and held me while I cried for a bit.  After his momentary outburst, he was so sweet about everything.  It was a good thing, too, because I was an illogical wreck for a few minutes!

It was totally our fault that we were late.  I don't dispute that.  They had every right to cancel the appointment, but a little civility and politeness could have gone far...especially when dealing with a hormonal pregnant lady! 

And, I know that it's only two days, but I just get so worked up and excited about seeing the baby, that it was a huge letdown.  I'm sure it will pass quickly and that everything will be fine on Thursday.  In the meantime, we'll probably be pulling out the doppler tonight just to put my mind at ease!  And, we'll be planning TONS of extra time for the trip there on Thursday morning!  Not taking any chances this time!

Uneventful

We had our first OB appointment today, but it was laregley uneventful.  Well, unventful except for the blood draw, that is.  No ultrasound today, but we do have our NT Scan on Tuesday morning.  We were both really happy with how everything went.  Dr. E has been my doctor for the last year or so and we've always really liked him.  In fact, I think it's in large part do to him that we got to our BFP when we did since he ordered our SA so early (due to Hubby's family history).  They knew our story and were all very happy to see us.  It wasn't a hard choice at all to stick with him, but I was curious to see how they handled a prenatal appointment.

I love his nurse and we got to spend a great deal of time with her this morning.  I got a lecture that I probably needed to hear about taking medicine when I need it.  She said that if I don't feel good the baby doesn't feel good either.  And, that there are quite a few perfectly safe OTC medicines that can help (and provided an extensive list).  I've barely taken Tylenol even for pretty substantial headaches, so this lecture was well-deserved.  I'll probably end up somewhere in the middle...not going to pop a pill for every minor thing, of course, but I'll ease up when I really need to.  And, now that Hubby heard the same lecture, he won't let me be so stubborn anymore!

Then, we spent some time with Dr. E talking about the schedule, some quesetions about birth plans, various hospitals, on call procedures, etc.  I also had a pap smear and exam.  Then, it was off for blood work.  I have problem veins.  I guess I didn't really realize how much so until the RE, but now I'm very aware!  I warned them.  They laughed and said that they couldn't be that bad.  Well, about the time she was going to have to try to get the blood from my hand, she conceded that they were in fact that bad!  Luckily, my left arm finally cooperated (after a lengthy try at the right) and we were able to avoid going to the hand.

The only really surprising thing today was that apparently our next ultrasound after Tuesday's NT Scan, unless we want to pay for one out-of-pocket, isn't untill 27 weeks.  Do most people have to pay for the 18-20 week gender ultrasounds out-of-pocket or do other offices just do it differently?  Hubby says that it will all work out and we probably won't have to wait that long.  I hope he's right.  Waiting another 8 weeks seemd long, but doable.  Not to fond of the idea of waiting another 16!  Still working on that patience thing apparently...

(Jem...Will get that pic of the bottle/announcement posted for you this weekend!)