One Year Ago Today

One year ago today, I woke up feeling just like any other during the two week wait.  I had no sneaking suspicions, no preconceived notions. I knew I wasn't pregnant.  Why would I think anything otherwise? Doctors far and wide had told us that it wouldn't happen on our own, and we were set to start our first IVF cycle the next month.  As a matter of fact, I was going in to sign the paperwork on Monday!

As a rule, I did not test.  I'd much rather just see AF rear her ugly head than to see the absence of a line or, even worse, a glaring "NOT PREGNANT" staring back at me.  After all, I had seen AF appear for the better part of 20+ years. It was no big deal.  Being reminded, however, of the ridiculously low odds (3% or less according to the RE) of us conceiving naturally was just to painful to bear.

This particular day was a little bit different, though.  This was the day of my company holiday party...an affair known company-wide for it's fabulous open bar.  For that sole reason, I pulled out an internet cheapie and absent-mindedly tested.  I almost went back to bed, since it was ridiculously early for me to be waking up on a Saturday morning.  But, something forced me to get back out of bed within the 10 minute testing window.

In my half asleep state, I barely noticed that there was the faintest of a second line.  Could it really be true?  I didn't believe it.  But now I just had to take another.  I took five ICs that morning, all positive, before realizing that they had expired a month earlier.  Now, convinced that they might be giving me false positives, and desperate to see "PREGNANT" on a digital in order to believe, I raced off to Walgreens at 7:30am.

By this time, The Hubby knew that something was up.  As if it wasn't strange enough for me to be up at 7:30, now I was getting dressed and going somewhere?  Yep, something was definitely up.  He just smiled and waited for me to continuing on with my confirmation process.  At that point, I still didn't believe there was any chance that this was really happening, certainly not enough of one to get his hopes up.

As luck would have it, his dad had been in a car accident the previous night.  The Hubby needed to take him to the accident site, car dealership and insurance agent that morning.  Of course, that meant I'd be doing all of the confirmation on my own, and on the down low.

I got back fro Walgreen's with three more tests, two regular and one digital.  All three were positive, and "PREGNANT" appeared on the digi in mere seconds, plain as day.  Even then, though, I didn't believe. 

I knew that our RE was open until noon on Saturdays, so I called to get their advice on what to do next.  I was really hoping they'd let me come in for a blood test and not make me wait until Monday.  Thankfully, they got me in for a blood test ASAP, so I booked it across town for the blood letting...happily! But, it would be a long few hour wait until they called with the results.

The first time I saw The Hubby after the positive digi was in the parking lot of a shopping center.  He had just enough time in between dropping his dad off for some errands that we could share a hug and a few tears of disbelief.  Maybe this was really happening. Still, just to be safe, we didn't want to share the news with family until we had the HCG results.  I was on pins and needles.

A couple hours later, I met The Hubby and his dad for lunch.  I was mentally counting down the hours until when they said they'd call with the results.  It should be any minute.  We couldn't stand it any longer, so we told Hubby's dad what all the fuss was about, and he waited with us. 

It wasn't too much longer before the phone rang. I handed it to Hubby. I just couldn't bear to hear that it had all been a dream, a cruel figment of my imagination. He listened to the nurse and a big grin broke across his face.  Only then did I finally allow myself to start believing that LMH was really baking in there.  The next few weeks were probably the longest of the entire pregnancy...the wait between the positive and our first ultrasound.

But, for this one afternoon, I let myself believe that it would all be ok. That our miracle had happened.  That in August, I would hold our miracle in my arms. Even then, though, I don't think I could fathom him being four months old.  Even now sometimes that's hard to believe! 

So today, a year later, I'm feeling rather nostalgic.  I'm marvelling and just how much things can chnage in a year, at just how fast he grows, at just how lucky we are...how blessed.  And, I'm thankful beyond words.