Our Someday Family...

Ten on Tuesday

2011-01-04T20:47:00.003-06:00

1) It's 2010 and I keep writing 2011...every single time. Bet it will take me well into February to remember! I can't even believe that it's already 2011 or that January feels like it's already almost half gone! Seriously, January is already kicking my butt at work. It's insane!

2) We had a wonderful Christmas! It was so much fun sharing Harris' first Christmas. He got a million and one toys, with one family Christmas still to go next week. It's a bit ridiculous. The "Baby Things" toy box that sat in front of our fireplace was barely full before Christmas. Now, there are toys the entire length of the hearth. Cleary we need a toy management system for our living room!

3) LMH's daycare is closed the week between Christmas and New Year. Yes I know that this is sort of strange. But, essential his montessori daycare is also a preschool that has a traditional holiday vacation for kids and staff. All my vacation was used up on maternity leave this year, and The Hubby is in the midst of a ginormous (neverending) project at work. Thankfully, my mom was able to take off that week to watch LMH for us. It was so very nice having her with us all last week. And, I know she enjoyed all of the one-on-one time with LMH. Going forward, Hubby and I could totally plan to take off vacation that week, but Nana has already called this as her annual LMH week!

4) I have a four day workweek this week, since Friday is my flex day. Next week will be the first in at least three weeks that I'll be expected to work a full five day workweek. I'm already dreading it. Between flex days and holidays I'm royally spoiled right now.

5) Remember a year ago when I was soooo excited to get my (crappy) Palm Pre? Well, it sucked...way more than the Blackberry Pearl that I thought sucked back then! Ok, to be more accurate, the Pre and WebOS has tons of unfilfilled promise, but for the time period I had it, it sucked. The app market was exceedingly sparse, updates few and far between, and the physical build quality subpar. I had high hopes for my Pre, but in the end, I pretty much squealed with delight when I opened my shiny new T-Mobile G2 on Christmas morning! I LOVE this thing! I really had know idea just how much my Pre sucked until I got the G2. It rocks!

6) Honestly, I'm fairly certain that phone is inreasing my productivity, too! Right at the end of 2010, I was scrambling to finish my annual performance goals at work. I had to read this book by David Allen called "Getting Things Done." The book was just ok...really jargon heavy and kind of outdated, because it focused mainly on a paper-based organization system. However, after some time with Google, I found so many great tips for how to incorporate the Getting Things Done system into my daily routine...and a lot of them had to do with productivity apps for my phone (Astrid Tasks, Evernote, Remember the Milk, etc.). I've been using them since Christmas and am totally loving it!

7) At the same time, it's a bit of a double-edged sword. Seeing a comprehensive list of all of my projects, personal and work, is a bit (maybe a lot) overwhelming! And, it's even more so when so many of them remain undone and untouched each day. There just really aren't enough hours in the day! I guess I need to learn how to ignore what I can't work on and just focus on what I'm working on at the time.

8) Ha! That was funny. If you've been reading any time at all, you knkow that's pretty much the antithesis of my personality. Don't see me learning how to change that one anytime soon!

9) LMH will be five months old tomorrow! I can't believe. Time is truly flying by. I've always heard people say that "it goes so fast," but I truly had no idea! It feels like he's already gone from newborn to little boy in the blink of an eye!

10) Remember what seems like months ago when I mentioned that I'd be unveling a new blog project soon? Well, soon is finally here and I'm sooooo excited! I'm hoping to have the new blog, Mom in Orbit, up and running by this weekend. And, I'm looking forward to sharing it with all of you! In the meantime, here's a sneak peek:

It's Starting to Look a Lot Like Christmas

2010-12-24T23:00:00.000-06:00

We made the trek home to Arkansas on Wednesday. It was actually quite the trek...I felt a bit like Santa on his cross-country flight! The Hubby, LMH and the dogs drove to Arkansas on Wednesday. I would have driven with them except 1) I had to work (minor details) and 2) one of us had to take Hubby's dad to the airport for his 6pm flight.

Rather than us all driving together after dropping him off at the airport, we split up and conquered things separately. I got off work (near Dallas Love Field), drove home (35 minutes north), took Hubby's dad to the other airport (DFW 40 minutes east), back to Love Field for my own flight, landed in Little Rock, did some Christmas shopping and then finally home to Hot Springs 40 minutes east. Whew! Makes me tired just writing it!

Once we got here, Hubby FINALLY told me what he wanted for Christmas. Can we say late much? He suggested the following: a new suitcase, noise cancelling headphones, one of those "e-reader things." Hubby went WAY overboard for Christmas this year, so my budget for him is not terribly large. The suitcase he's had his eye on (360 degree wheels and an ergo handle) is too expensive, as are Bose noise canceling headphones. That leaves the e-reader.

Ironically, my mom is also getting an e-reader for Christmas from my dad...a Nook Color. Hubby will be getting a plain Nook. Mom should enjoy the tablet-PC "light" features of her Nook Color. But, Hubby, who has a smartphone, desktop and laptop should appreciate having a dedicated e-reader. Well, at least that's my hope. I was a little worried that it might be a downer for one to open the fancy Nook Color and the other to open a plain Nook. But, I think that they both serve each others' needs perfectly. Plus, they can lend each other books.

Santa will be bringing LMH a bunch of "sit up and play" toys as he is soooo very close to being able to sit up like a champ. Well, and Nana has some awesome surprise for him that she won't let me in on. There's a Laugh & Learn Kitchen under the tree for him and a My Pal Scout. I can't wait to see him interact with Scout. I think he'll be able to do that right away, though the kitchen may take him a bit longer to get the hang of.

As much fun as I have planning the perfect gifts for my family, it's the Christmas traditions that make it perfect. Tonight is our annual trek to Mama & Papa's for Christmas Eve festivities. The first of many Christmas traditions that we get to share with LMH this year. Christmas Eve sugar cookie baking, reading our favorite Christmas stories, opening one present (an ornament) before going to sleep, waking up and waiting for the okay to head downstairs. No matter how old I get, I still take such joy in these traditions. This year, it's so much more meaningful. I've already started to contemplate what traditions we'll be starting just for LMH...Christmas Eve PJs are high on the list.

Soon our Christmas locale will switch to our home in Dallas, instead of my parents. I'm excited for the change, but I'll miss Christmas' here, too. Christmas is all about coming home for me, all about being a kid again, all about giving and sharing. It's such a joy and a blessing to share all of these things with LMH this year. A year ago, I could hardly believe that he was actually baking away inside me. This year he's here in all his perfection.

I'm in awe of our blessings...despite all of the fun in giving and receiving, baking, stories, family, etc., in LMH I'm reminded of true meaning of Christmas. Thanks be to God.

Santa Goes High Tech

2010-12-20T12:11:00.001-06:00

This weekend we completed a right of passage: LMH's first trip to see Santa. I was concerned that it might not happen, though...or at least that Daddy might not be joining us. You see, The Hubby hates line. No, actually he despises, detests and HATES lines. Long lines tend to aggravate his anxiety. And, since no one wants that, I end up despising lines, too. The trouble is that I like the things that happen at the end of long lines...like Santa.

I had been contemplating how we were going to accomplish this might feat for awhile now. So long that we ended up waiting until the week before Christmas to make our first attempt. Probably not the smartest plan. There are two malls near us with "traditional" Santas. I figured that I could wait in line with LMH and call Hubby when our turn was near. Effective, but not exactly fun for anyone.

There were two other options, though. Northpark Mall in Dallas has a ticket program (think FastPass for Santa), where you go when the mall opens, get your ticket and then hang around (or come back) when it's your time period. That seemed like a good option except for two things: 1) It's a bit of a trek into downtown Dallas from our BFE north suburb, 2) we're not exactly the "be at the mall at 9am" type.

The next option was "The Big Guy" at The Villages at Allen. The Villages do something truly ingenious! They have an online queuing system for Santa. You go online to their website, check the overall line time, enter your cell number or e-mail and your done! They send you text or e-mail updates as you get closer to the front of the virtual line. When there are 15 people ahead of you, they tell you to head back to the North Pole.

At first, I wasn't 100% sold on this idea because "The Big Guy" isn't in full dress regalia...he's what I refer to as a"workshop" Santa. He wears Christmas shirts that his wife sews for him (yah, his real wife, not Mrs, Klaus) with suspenders and his normal red pants with white puffy trim. I got over it, though, because I started reading reviews from past years online. He's the most realistic, genuine, kindhearted mall Santa I've ever seen!

And, come on...the no line thing! We were so there! Why on earth don't more malls come up with better Santa systems. It seems to me that more shopping gets done while your waiting for your turn than if you were waiting in line. Oh well! It's their loss. We've found our family Santa!

As for how Harris did with his first Santa visit? Well, there weren't any tears, but there weren't any smiles either! I was pleased with how the pictures turned out, though. His expression is priceless!

Giving Back One Dollar at a Time

2010-12-17T22:40:00.001-06:00

Last week, a friend and coworker who is on the longest bad luck streak I know--multiple health problems in the last two years and two upcoming surgeries in the next two months-- comes home from her pre-op appointment to find her house ransacked, her granddaughters' Christmas presents stolen from under the tree. My coworkers and I could not sit idly by and do nothing. We organized an impromptu raffle and, this week, presented her with a $530 giftcard. Her grandkids may not have their original Christmas presents, but at least they will have a Christmas. And, my coworker has some good luck to break her streak.

Giving back does not have to be difficult and even little efforts make a big difference. In my coworker's case, for example, ,so many employees chipped in just a dollar or two. But, in the end, we raised over $500 in only two days. It's amazing how much big hearted people can do even when starting with very little!

GiveBack.org is a perfect example of that philosophy! GiveBack is the easiest way for you to donate to all of your favorite charities through your very own foundation! I signed up this evening and within 5 minutes, I had already given my complimentary $5 to my charity of choice...The Ronald McDonald House of Dallas. Who will you give your first $5 too?

And, what happens after you spend that first $5? Easy! The more you shop at GiveBack Partner Merchants, the more you funds you raise to give back to your favorite charities. It's really that easy...you raise money for your favorite charities just by buying things you would have already bought!

It doesn't end there, though. By givingn through GiveBack, you're able to draw attention to all of your charities through Facebook. Show others that you donated just a little at a time to a great cause, or through buying great items from Partner Merchants, and you encourage them to give back, too!

Sometimes the smallest thing can take on a life of it's own and become a movement. I won't go so far as to say that my coworkers and I created a "movement," but we certainly rallied colleagues to the cause of helping a fellow employee. Take a few minutes to rally your friends around whatever cause you support. It's fast, easy and fun with GiveBack.org.

This post was written in conjunction with a One2One Network member contest hosted by GiveBack.org. All thoughts, opinionns and experiences expressed are my own.

A Christmas Orange in a Cookie

2010-12-17T07:13:00.000-06:00

I'm guest blogging over at Sweet Jeanette today! Come join me there!

Wordless Wednesday: Best Present Ever

2010-12-15T14:10:00.001-06:00

I'm particpating in Wordless Wednesday at The Snyder 5 and Momspective!

Perfect Moment: A Christmas Surprise

2010-12-14T09:56:00.000-06:00

I was in the middle of working on a completely separate Perfect Moment post when The Hubby bribed me to go put the bottles in the dishwasher. That seemed innocent enough. We were both exhausted last night and neither of us felt like washing them by hand.

I walked into the kitchen in a half-sleepy state. I turned on the water to start rinsing the first bottle and absent-mindedly reached down to open the dishwasher. The handle didn't feel right. It was old, something must be wrong with it. I finally got it to open and started to put the first bottle on the top rack. As I lowered the door, I noticed some blinking lights and thought "that's odd." I didn't remember there being any lights on the dishwasher. Then, once it was opened, I noticed that it had a stainless steel tub. Even then, it didn't click that it was a brand spanking dishwasher in there!

Only after I closed it and opened it again did I squeal with delight, "HEY, It's a new dishwasher! At that point, Hubby burst in laughing, holding LMH. As it turned out, the dishwasher had been installed Sunday morning while LMH and I were on our way back from our weekend trip to Missouri. He wanted it to be a surprises (he is, after all, the king of Christmas surprises!), so he waited for me to notice. Him and his dad had placed bets on how long it would take.

Truth be told, had Hubby not bribed me to wash bottles last night, it might have been another day! I HATED the old dishwasher with wild abandon! Pretty much every time we ran a load, another rusted tine fell off. I never felt like things really got clean. And, I didn't want to wash bottles in there very often because I was afraid they, in particular, wouldn't get clean enough. The new dishwasher has Sani-Rinse (perfect for bottles), 1 hour wash (perfect for everything else), turbo clean and even a status bar that indicates where in the cycle it is. I couldn't be happier!

A new dishwasher may be the most practical of gifts for Christmas. But, a state-of-the-art new dishwasher was the perfect gift for Santa Hubby to bring this year. I love that he knows me well enough to know that a dishwasher was a homerun Christmas present and not a practical present dud (as some people might think). And, the fact that he, once again, took the time to surprise me only makes me love him (and it) that much more!

(Check out the other Perfect Moments, and add your own, at Write Mind Open Heart)

One Year Ago Today

2010-12-11T15:53:00.000-06:00

One year ago today, I woke up feeling just like any other during the two week wait. I had no sneaking suspicions, no preconceived notions. I knew I wasn't pregnant. Why would I think anything otherwise? Doctors far and wide had told us that it wouldn't happen on our own, and we were set to start our first IVF cycle the next month. As a matter of fact, I was going in to sign the paperwork on Monday!

As a rule, I did not test. I'd much rather just see AF rear her ugly head than to see the absence of a line or, even worse, a glaring "NOT PREGNANT" staring back at me. After all, I had seen AF appear for the better part of 20+ years. It was no big deal. Being reminded, however, of the ridiculously low odds (3% or less according to the RE) of us conceiving naturally was just to painful to bear.

This particular day was a little bit different, though. This was the day of my company holiday party...an affair known company-wide for it's fabulous open bar. For that sole reason, I pulled out an internet cheapie and absent-mindedly tested. I almost went back to bed, since it was ridiculously early for me to be waking up on a Saturday morning. But, something forced me to get back out of bed within the 10 minute testing window.

In my half asleep state, I barely noticed that there was the faintest of a second line. Could it really be true? I didn't believe it. But now I just had to take another. I took five ICs that morning, all positive, before realizing that they had expired a month earlier. Now, convinced that they might be giving me false positives, and desperate to see "PREGNANT" on a digital in order to believe, I raced off to Walgreens at 7:30am.

By this time, The Hubby knew that something was up. As if it wasn't strange enough for me to be up at 7:30, now I was getting dressed and going somewhere? Yep, something was definitely up. He just smiled and waited for me to continuing on with my confirmation process. At that point, I still didn't believe there was any chance that this was really happening, certainly not enough of one to get his hopes up.

As luck would have it, his dad had been in a car accident the previous night. The Hubby needed to take him to the accident site, car dealership and insurance agent that morning. Of course, that meant I'd be doing all of the confirmation on my own, and on the down low.

I got back fro Walgreen's with three more tests, two regular and one digital. All three were positive, and "PREGNANT" appeared on the digi in mere seconds, plain as day. Even then, though, I didn't believe.

I knew that our RE was open until noon on Saturdays, so I called to get their advice on what to do next. I was really hoping they'd let me come in for a blood test and not make me wait until Monday. Thankfully, they got me in for a blood test ASAP, so I booked it across town for the blood letting...happily! But, it would be a long few hour wait until they called with the results.

The first time I saw The Hubby after the positive digi was in the parking lot of a shopping center. He had just enough time in between dropping his dad off for some errands that we could share a hug and a few tears of disbelief. Maybe this was really happening. Still, just to be safe, we didn't want to share the news with family until we had the HCG results. I was on pins and needles.

A couple hours later, I met The Hubby and his dad for lunch. I was mentally counting down the hours until when they said they'd call with the results. It should be any minute. We couldn't stand it any longer, so we told Hubby's dad what all the fuss was about, and he waited with us.

It wasn't too much longer before the phone rang. I handed it to Hubby. I just couldn't bear to hear that it had all been a dream, a cruel figment of my imagination. He listened to the nurse and a big grin broke across his face. Only then did I finally allow myself to start believing that LMH was really baking in there. The next few weeks were probably the longest of the entire pregnancy...the wait between the positive and our first ultrasound.

But, for this one afternoon, I let myself believe that it would all be ok. That our miracle had happened. That in August, I would hold our miracle in my arms. Even then, though, I don't think I could fathom him being four months old. Even now sometimes that's hard to believe!

So today, a year later, I'm feeling rather nostalgic. I'm marvelling and just how much things can chnage in a year, at just how fast he grows, at just how lucky we are...how blessed. And, I'm thankful beyond words.

Perfect Moment Monday: Morning Smiles

2010-12-07T08:23:00.000-06:00

Every morning, there's a moment when the sound of baby babble gently rouses me from a deep sleep. He's the best alarm clock there is! Sometimes it's just some mutters and a stir; other mornings he's in a full on scream by the time I get myself out of bed and into his room. Regardless, as soon as I open the door and say "Good Morning," the room gets quiet. And, by the time I turn on the light, turn off the monitor, and look over the crib, he's grinning back at me with the most perfect smile.

When I was on maternity leave, we'd take things easy...feeding, read a book, play a little. And, I could soak it all in. Every smile and coo making me feel that much more blessed for my miracle baby boy.

Since I've been back at work, it's that morning ritual I miss the most. Now it's go, go, go, with very little time to stop and savor the moments. I try to be the one to feed him every morning, just so I can add a few precious moments of LMH time to my day. Then it's off to the bouncer or the exercauser why I hurriedly get read and then out the door...after more than a few goodbye kisses.

But, now that I'm back at work, it's that "I hear my mommy" silence, and that first smile that get me through the day. It's a moment just for mom and son, no one else awake yet but the two of us. My morning starts with a smile that echoes his. And, no matter what the day may hold or how poorly I slept the night before, that perfect smile reminds me why I do it...why I juggle the insanity that is being a work away from hom mom, why I stay up late to spend more time with him, why it's worth it that I might be a walking zombie at work, why I feel so blessed to see that smiling face every morning.

Read about more Perfect Moments and share your own at Write Mind Open Heart.

Confessions of a Nutella Addict

2010-12-05T14:35:00.002-06:00

Hi world! My name is Lin and I'm a Nutella addict.

Seriously, I'm beginning to have a problem with Nutella! I had it when I was a kid, I'm sure of it. But, for some reason, Nutella hadn't found its way back into my life until the past few weeks. Actually, a friend's status update on Facebook sparked the obession. Since then, it's been a mainstay on the weekly grocery list.

So far, I've had Nutella on toast, bagels, croissants, graham crackers, Wheat Thins (YUM!), bananas, Nilla Wafers (little Nutella sandwiches...have I mentioned I have a problem?)...and, most recently, Nutella banana pudding. I've even filed away a recipe for Nutella shortbread.

Actually, when I originally bought my first jar of Nutella in a few weeks ago, it was to make that Nutella shortbread. I'm on my third jar and it's been gone so fast each time that shortbread has yet to be made. The Hubby now loves the stuff, too, so that's not helping matters any!

I'm afraid Nutella will soon go the way of peanut butter in our house...can't buy it, or I'll eat it by the spoonful. The only type of peanut butter we buy around here is the particular nasty all naturally, extra oily kind so that the dogs can have it with treats and pills, but I won't touch the stuff. Unfortunately, there's no nasty all natural, extra oily Nutella. It's just yum in every spoon ful. *sigh*

So, what's your favorite way to eat Nutella? And, what's your secret food obsession? The first step is admitting you have a problem...

It's Say Hi Sunday!

2010-12-05T14:30:00.000-06:00

Hi all! :-)

And Now We Wait...

2010-12-03T10:23:00.002-06:00

And I try my hardest not to check my e-mail incessantly. It's not working so well so far, I'm afraid. I've got my browser open with a Gmail tab front and center, constantly glancing up to see if my new messages number has increased by one. When it does, my heart skips a beat only to find it's junk e-mail from one company or the next.

What am I waiting on? Why, my DisneySMMoms confirmation, of course! Yesterday's registration was, as DVCMom aptly put it, internet hilarity. Though, I think internet insanity may be even more appropriate! Registration opened at 2pm EST and while no one knows exactly how many people tried to register, we do know that Disney's servers had a hard time handling the rush. Registration opened with this tweet from @DisneySMMoms:

But I wasn't feeling any magic...

I watched the "orange spinning circle of doom" for about 35 minutes before finally seeing the registration form, others for over an hour, and still others never even got to the form at all before Disney closed registration for the year.

When so many of us were staring at the orange spinner we began to wonder if anyone was getting in at all:

At that point, I began to panic a bit that I wouldn't even get the chance to register! But, luckily did finallly get to shortly thereafter.

Later in the evening when the DisneySMMoms team was heading home for the evening, registration e-mails still unsent, we heard this:

And, this morning a very Disney-esque tweet:

So, we wait. The Twitterverse is still abuzz as all of the DisneySMMoms hopefuls wait on the edge of their seat, obsessively checking e-mails and the newly formed Facebook Group...myself included. But, while I appreciate all of the updates from the DisneySMMoms team, I still feel the same as yesterday...a criteria for "acceptance" is fine. Just be open about it, if there was! It's frustrating to know that I may have gotten my hopes up even though Ididn't meet the unspoken criteria from the start. That said, I am completely supportive of a "verification" process to make sure that people who registered actually have active blogs, etc., and aren't just in it for the Disney vacation of a lifetime. I'm still hoping that it comes down to when you registered and not how many followers you have. Everyone starts somewhere, and us "small fries" can benefit from the experience just as much (if not more) than the "large fries."

No matter what happens, though, I have "met" so many other truly wonderful bloggers (and fellow Disney fanatics) in the last few days as we geared up for DisneySMMoms registration. I'm hopeful that I'll get to meet them all in a few months at Disney! In the meantime, I'd like to share some of their blogs with you:
Sippy Cup Mom at The Life of a Sippy Cup Mom
Carrie at Carrie with Children
Maykit Myway at MomTrek
Deb at Just Short of Crazy

Friday Blog Hops

2010-12-03T10:20:00.000-06:00

It's DisneySMMoms Day...Plus a Blog Hop!

2010-12-02T07:49:00.001-06:00

I admit it...I have butterflies today. Remember last year when I had the amazing chance to go to Disney World and call that work? Well, moving into 2011, one of my goals is to expand my presence in the blogosphere. I'm still in the process of defining exactly what that means for this blog, and my new one, but I'm looking into many things...product reviews, vlogs, monetization, sponsorships, etc. These are all things that I would benefit from attending a blog conference to learn more about. So, I had already added that to my personal bucket list for 2011.

And then, another of those surrendipitous moments came to pass...perhaps, another chance to attend a conference at Walt Dinsey World. But, this is not just any conference. This is the Disney Social Media Moms Celebration! Let's face it, every event Disney puts on is AMAZING, so I can't think of a better conference to start with. I know that I'll learn so much more than I ever thought possible and meet other amazing women there too soak in the knowledge and experience, as well.

There's just one problem. Last year, DisneySMMoms was a first-come/first-serve event. And, astoundingly, tickets were on sale for a few days before they sold out. This year, though, the word is out...everyone knows how awesome last year's conference was and wants in, too! Understandably so!Disney is asking a bunch of marketing questions (pageviews, followers, etc) at the time of registration, which is calling into question whether or not DisneySMMoms will again be a first-come/fist-serve event. I'm obviously biased, because I don't have the massive traffic of many other bloggers in the mom blog arena. But, even they started somewhere. In fact, I know that a few of the really well known bloggers of 2010 began their rise to "fame" after DisneySMMoms '10.

Shouldn't we all have such a chance? That's why I hope that Disney continues to make SMMoms an equal-opportunity affair....so that we all can have a chance to add a bit of Disney magic to our blog and lives. We're not all so lucky to be able to go to Disney World every year (last year's conference was my first trip back since our honeymoon), but that doesn't mean we love it any less. Likewise, pageviews and followers aren't always an accurate representation of passion or willingness to learn.

So, we'll see how today goes. Not getting in because I didn't register in time is one thing. Not getting in because it has become an elitist affair is another entirely. So, we'll see how this afternoon goes. You know where I'll be at 1pm CST.

After that, I'll be visiting blogs on the Thursday Friends and Giveaways & Thirsty Thursday Blog Hop! Check them out!

In the Spirit of Giving...Heart of Haiti

2010-12-01T18:32:00.004-06:00

While your planning gifts for all your friends and family this year, it's always nice to give a gift that gives back. Macy's Heart Haiti program does just that! Heart of Haiti is helping Haiti through "trade no aid."

It's like that old parable "Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime. Heart of Haiti is doing exacly that by giving Haitian villagers the tools they need to rebuild their lives and their livelihood, rather than a one time donation. Each item is designed by a Haitian master artisan and produced by hand in Haiti from recycled materials such as oil drums, wrought iron, and paper maiche. - The Heart of Haiti collection has already led to employment of 350 artists in Haiti and has provided some financial benefits for an estimated 4,000 to 5,000 people in the country.

The Heart of Haiti collection is an array of handmade products for the home -- quilts, metalwork, ceramics, and paintings -- created by Haitian artisans. Most items range from $25-60 with some as low as $10. So, please take a look at the Macy's Heart of Haiti website and see if you an give back while giving to those you love this Christmas season.

No, seriously...take a look, then let me know what you favorite items are!

Disclosure: I am writing this post to spread the word about Heart of Haiti through a Mom Bloggers Club member program and I will receive a Heart of Haiti pendant as a thank you.

Let's Bring Christmas to a Wounded DFW Police Officer's Family

2010-12-01T00:03:00.001-06:00

On Monday, a good friend and colleague at work checked her text messages and let out an audible gasp. She didn't breathe and turned a certain shade of pale. After a few seconds, just as we were about to ask if she was ok, she "There's an officer down. He's okay, but anytime I see "Officer Down," I get worried."

Rightfully so. Her husband is a Dallas PD Officer. And, ten years ago, he was shot in the line of duty, as well. We talked for a bit about what she knew about shooting, if she knew the officer or his family, etc. I admit that after that conversation passed, I don't think I thought about the officer or the incident again.

Flash forward to tonight. I was just getting ready for bed when I got an e-mail from the organizer of a local playgroup LMH and I had recently joined. Her husband, also a DPD officer, is the partner of the officer wounded in the shooting. His name is Officer Richard Whitt. He has a wife and three children between the ages of 3 and 10.

Now I can't stop thinking about The Whitt Family.

Officer Whitt has already undergone three surgeries and is not out of the woods yet. That alone,with three kids, right before Christmas would be devasting enough, but their situation is even more dire. DPD has recently undergone a number of leadership changes, furloughs and paycuts. Since Officer Whit is a rookie, he oped to forgo healh insurance for he remainder of the year in favor of more take-hom pay for his family his year. Surely, in this economy, we can all appreciate that. However, this means that DPD will be paying no more than their legally required workers' compensation.

Officer Whit's family is in danger of losing their home, not being able to put food on the table, and not having a Christmas for their hree small children. Officer Whit is a hero and an inspiration. We have him and the many other officers throughout the country for our safety.

I wan to do something. I feel like I'm being called to do more...the two connections to this story that randomly (or not so randomly) appeared in my life this week cannot be a coincidence. I want to do all I can to make sure htat Officer Whit's family has a wonderful, blessed Christmas. But, I don't know where to start.

Please help me brainstorm ways to harness the power of Facebook, Twitter or the blogosphere to deliver hope, love, and thankfulness to the Whit Family this Christmas.

So you want to join the Tweeple?

2010-11-30T09:56:00.002-06:00

Sounds very mysterious, huh? Twitter+People=Tweeple, or people who tweet. Twitter doesn't have to be mysterious or confusing...read on! Last week, I started sharing some of what I’ve been learning as I navigate the world of page views and monetization for a new blog project I’m working on. Perhaps I should call this series “Teach Me Tuesday?” Anyway, this week, I’m going to share what I’ve learned so far on my whirlwind tour of Twitter!

I consider myself to be a fairly technically savvy person. After all, I surf, blog, Facebook, even Stumble. The one thing that I didn’t do was Tweet. Truth be told, I’ve had a Twitter account since December 2009 (How on earth do I know that? Because there’s a site that tells you what your Bwitterday is!), but only started actually using it a week ago. And, I almost gave up on the first day.

Twitter is ridiculously easy once you get the hang of it, but at first glance it’s sort of like walking into a party with 75 million guests and not knowing a single one. It’s hard to know where to start. Here’s what worked for me:
1) Use a Twitter Application such as HootSuite, TweetDeck, Twittelator or SocialOomph. And whatever you do, don’t start with (or even bother using) “the New Twitter.com.” This tip might make the single biggest difference to whether you stick around the Twitterverse or not. I’ll be honest, twitter.com just isn’t intuitive to me. And, “the New Twitter.com (which they’ll prompt you to switch to when you log in…just click no) is even less so.

Adventuroo pointed me in the direction of HootSuite and it made all the difference! Here’s why. Part of what makes Twitter fun is getting mentions and direct messages (DMs). It’s a lot more difficult to catch those on twitter.com. However, with HootSuite, I can have one column (stream) with ongoing conversation from people I follow, another column with tweets I’ve been mentioned in, another with direct messages, and still others with all of the hashtag streams I choose to follow. It’s just so much more intuitive! Plus, you can also manage multiple social media accounts in HootSuite…more than one twitter username, a Facebook profile and so on.

2) Check to see if the bloggers whose blogs you frequent are on Twitter. They’ll usually have a Follow Me on Twitter button, or something similar. For example, you can follow Mel of Stirrup Queens fame here, Lavender Luz of Write Mind Open Heart (formerly Weebles Weblog) here, or me here.
Now you know at least three people in the Twitterverse! And, the cool thing is that once you know people, just look for the people they’re talking to (watch for @username in their Tweets) and friend those people, too.

3) Find a niche. There’s probably a hashtag for your hobby. Start following it, and you’ve made almost instant friends. Wait, you say, “What’s a hashtag?" A hashtag is the word preceded by # that indicates which category your tweet should be grouped into. You check a directory of hashtags to see if there's one for your interests...if there's not, you can always create one!

Hashtags, in my opinion, are what make Twitter even more powerful and interesting than Facebook. Your posts aren’t limited to only those people in your Facebook Friends list. Instead, anyone who’s following the hashtag you entered sees your post! For example, let’s say I had an awesome customer service experience flying Twitter Air last week and I wanted them to know about it. I might say, “Had a great experience on Twitter Air my flight to Houston last week! #TwitterAir #custserv. Now, anyone who’s following #TwitterAir or #custserv sees my tweet….which opens up even more network opportunities!

Since I’m interested in going to at least one blog conference this year, I started following many of the conference hashtags (#blogher, #RR11, #Relevant11, #typeaparent). The ladies at #DisneySMMoms are active and wonderfully welcoming, so I’ve settled in there and made a few new friends!

4) Have fun at Twitter Parties. Twitter Parties are an awesome way to meet new people, get exposure to brands (for future sponsorship opportunities) and win cool prizes. The best Twitter Party schedule I’ve found is at TweeParties. They have a great Getting Started Guide.
The single best tip on the TweeParty site is to use a Twitter Aggregator. I recommend TweetGrid. Twitter Parties are fast paced. TweetGrid just makes it easier to keep up. Depending on the size of the party you join, it may still be hard to keep up. Don’t get discouraged. Just add your two cents where you can and click the Stop/Pause button, too, if you need to catch up

Hopefully these tips will help get you started if you’ve been on the fence about joining Twitter. Honestly, if you thought Facebook was addictive, you haven’t seen anything yet! Twitter is just so much more fast paced, and the audience so much more diverse. As adventuroo so aptly put it, Twitter really is like a cocktail party. And, if you dive in head first and embrace the mingle, you’ll do just fine! Be sure to say hello next time you stop by my part of the Twitterverse!

Making Friends Monday Blog Hop

2010-11-29T11:01:00.000-06:00

It's Making Friends Monday! It's nice to "meet" you! I hope everyone had a fabulous Thanksgiving weekend. Please check out my post about our Thursday night movie/babysitting experience. See you at your blog (or the other blogs listed below) soon...

Babysitter Bites the Dust

2010-11-29T09:05:00.002-06:00

As part of his Christmas present to us, my brother-in-law, Chris, offered to babysit LMH on Thursday night so that The Hubby, his parents and I could go see Harry Potter (because, of course, Chris proclaimed in disgust that he was "not going anywhere near a Harry Potter theater"). Though not so good with adults, he is great with kids. Perhaps they’re on a closer wavelength or something? But, seriously, he’s always been great with kids. I knew LMH would be in good hands.

Before we left, I got bottles ready, set out his wubbanub, showed Chris how the swing worked, setup the playgym and all of LMH's other favorites so that the odds of it being a great night for both of them would go up a bit. We left for the movie at about 6:15. A little after the movie started (probably still during the insanely long previews), around 7:30 maybe, The Hubby got a text from his brother: “I can’t get him to stop crying. Any suggestions?” At that point, I realized the one thing I had forgot to tell him…LMH can get downright cranky right before bed. He gets so tired that he screams out of sheer exhaustion. There’s not much you can do when he gets that way except walk around with him or, in a pinch, let him cry it out. Nine times out of ten, I’m able to calm him down just by doing laps around the house, but occasionally he’s just over stimulated and needs a break. I neglected to tell Chris that, but I thought that once he got the text reply from The Hubby that all would be well. Back to the movie…We didn’t hear anything else, so assumed walking had done the trick.

A little after 10, as we’re leaving the theater, my mother-in-law checks her phone. Turns out that she missed a couple of texts…one at 7:30 (same one Hubby got) and another at 8:30…in all caps asking for someone to call him NOW. She hadn’t felt her phone vibrate when either text came in. We called…All was well. LMH was asleep, but Chris was mad…that whole not so good with people thing again.

In the end, all he had to do was let LMH cry it out in his crib. He said it took less than fifteen minutes for him to cry (er…scream?) himself to sleep…that was after an hour of frustration for both of them. I fully believe that babies can sense when their caretakers are upset. And I’m sure that, as LMH got more and more upset, so did Chris. It was a self-perpetuating cycle up until the point that he put LMH in the crib so they could both catch a breath.

Up until recently, I had trouble with the whole cry it out philosophy. It’s only been in the last two weeks or so that I’ve been okay with letting him cry, although still not more than 15 minutes or so. He’s gotten very good at self-soothing and it just seems like sometimes the only thing that will calm him down is the absence of stimulation—calming or otherwise. So, I would have thought I might have been upset that Chris ended up letting him cry it out. But, as it turned out, I almost wished he’d put him in the crib earlier…it might have saved a ton of stress for both of them! I think we all learned something that night...
1) Bedtime rituals are an important thing to tell the babysitter
2) Don’t call my mother-in-law in the middle of a movie if you need something urgently
3) Mom is okay with CIO, in moderation

I very much appreciated Chris’ Christmas gift of babysitting. And, now that we’ve learned what works for both of them, I’d definitely let him watch LMH again. I’m pretty sure I won’t be getting the chance anytime soon, though. His first LMH babysitting experience is probably his last for a very long time. Silly Uncle Chris…babies cry, didn’t you know?

Semi-Wordless Wednesday: Turkey Troubles of a Different Kind

2010-11-24T09:38:00.000-06:00

Daycare sent this lovely Thanksgiving craft home in LMH's bag. So, what's wrong with this picture?

His name isn't Joshua...they sent us home with another baby's turkey! What to do?

Bloggy Bling: Blogger Plug-ins to be Thankful For!

2010-11-23T16:11:00.002-06:00

Since I came back to blog world, I’ve been trying to figure out my place in it. You might have noticed quite a few changes around here lately. I’ve been doing a lot of things that are meant to both increase traffic and make it easier for you to get around once you’re here. Right now, I’m using Our Someday Family as a testbed for a lot of the new techno-stuff I’d like to incorporate in my new blog (which, by the way, the lovely Alison of Giggly Girl Blog Designs will be designing for me). Once the new blog is up and running, OSF will be my more personal, private corner of the blogosphere, while the new blog (naming still in progress) will be a more public face with reviews, giveaways and the like.

I’m struggling a bit right now because I’m straddling the fence between too communities, ALI (Adoption, Loss, Infertilty) and mom blogs. When I started this blog, it was just an outlet for me to vent about our struggles with infertility. I found Stirrup Queens when I was researching male factor infertility and was immediately welcomed by the ALI community. I honestly think I would have gone insane last year if it wasn’t for these lovely women. I hold my breath and cross my fingers each month as many of them wait to hear if their new journey is just beginning, or if they’re gearing up for another month on the roller coaster that is infertility

Meanwhile, I’ve been lucky enough to find my way off that ride, if only for now. I’m half in the land of ALI blogs with a toe in the world of mommy blogs. It’s been eye opening. Given the nature of ALI blogging, your goal isn’t exactly for the whole blogosphere to find you. A small group of loyal followers was more than enough…it is a close-knit sisterhood.

In the mom blog world, though, it’s all about visitors and pageviews, and that’s especially true if you’re trying to monetize or work with PR at all. Increasing pageviews and visitors means I need to learn lots about plug-ins, widgets, gadgets and blog organization, SEO (search engine optimization) and so much more! I thought some of you might be interested to learn about all this new fun stuff, because (regardless of which community your blog sits in) these add-ons make your blog more enjoyable for the reader. And, I don’t know about you, but when my readers enjoy my blog, I enjoy it more in return.

So, here are some of the fun things I’ve learned about spiffying up a Blogger blog, plus a few other things about blog networking:
1) Intense Debate (ID). I have always preferred how commenting worked in Wordpress…the way bloggers could reply to their commenters with comment threading, rather than just replying to their own post. ID allows you to login for commenting via Wordpress, OpenId, Twitter, ID's own profiles, or Facebook (though I haven’t installed that feature yet). If comment moderation is something you’re interested in, ID also provides lots of great options to make that easier. ID also sends me an e-mail each time someone comments on my blog with a link to their blog. So far, I really like it! I'm curious how you feel about it as a reader/commenter, though...please let me know!

But, the best part about ID is that it includes…

2) CommentLUV! I LOVE CommentLuv! I started noticing that on lots of mommy blogs, when I commented on on their blog, it would show a link to my most recent post under my comment. Not only does that help other visitors find my commenters' blogs, but it makes it even easier for me to head over to my commenters blog to share to spread the bloggy love! I think of CommentLuv as a way to give back to my readers, because it will hopefully increase their readers, too! (Note: You don't have to install Intense Debate to get the CommLuv plug-in. You can get it separately at the link above.)

3) LinkedWithin. Ever notice how, on some blogs, at the end of their post, there are links to a few other posts you might be interested in? They’re using LinkedWithin. It’s an awesome way to expose your readers to posts they may not otherwise have seen. As a blogger, I like that people are more likely to click to another post if I make it easier for them to do so…kind of like how stores place gum right at the checkout line. But, from a reader’s perspective, I also think it’s fun to click around and see what I can find out about my fellow blogger. Plus, LinkedWithin makes it easier for me to find out more faster than if I searched around their site.

Intense Debate, CommentLuv, and Linked Within require a wee bit of coding to add them to your site. However, all of the sites offer very user friendly instructions, or there are tons of sites to help you through the install with a quick Google search.

I’ve been learning so much lately that I’ve got much more to say, so look for posts on awesome blog networks, why I'm sticking with Blogger, Twitter (did you see notice my new "Follow Me on Twitter" button?), and more soon…

Perfect Moment Monday: Full Circle

2010-11-22T13:45:00.002-06:00

Growing up, my family was sort of “holiday religious.” We didn’t necessarily go to church every Sunday, but when holidays rolled around; we got dressed up and headed to church with the rest of the extended family. Prayer circles were sort of that way, too. Though the extended family didn’t necessarily pray before every meal, when we were all together we always prayed in thanks and for safe travels home.

This past weekend was LMH’s first extended family Thanksgiving. There were so many perfect moments to choose from, but it’s the prayer circle that stands out. LMH was actually just about asleep in his soon-to-be new cousin’s swing when I picked him up so he could be a part of it. I held him facing outward, so he could see everyone. And, since my uncle and cousin, on either side of me, couldn’t hold my hand (because I was holding LMH), they held his foot and hand. He happily gripped them (or kicked them) back.

By the end of the short prayer he was cranky. I had disturbed his nap, after all. I didn’t mind, though. He had been there. He had shared that one perfect moment with three generations of our family, just like I remember sharing it with the three generations that came before him.

My mom, LMH’s “Nana,” brought a baby’s first Thanksgiving onesie for him to wear. But, I really wish there was a onesie that said “Mommy is thankful for ME.” Things were just so different a year ago and I’m beyond thankful that we have these moments to share now. Saturday’s prayer circle was one of those moments. Last year I was praying for him; This year I’m praying in thanks.

Please head over to Write Mind, Open Heart to share your Perfect Moment.

The Hubby was Sleeptalking Again

2010-11-19T15:50:00.006-06:00

This was my phone call to The Hubby after picking LMH up from daycare last night:

Me: Hi sweetie. Just wondering why LMH is still in the sleeper he went to bed in last night.
The Hubby: Oh, I thought you said you got him dressed.
Me: No, I change his diaper when I get him up, but I thought the plan was that you were changing him and
getting him dressed before you left. Did you feed the girls (i.e., the furbabies, Gracie and Audrey)?
The Hubby: No, I thought you did.
(long pause)
The Hubby: I think I was still half asleep when you were talking to me this morning.
Me: (laughs) Apparently!

I couldn’t help but laugh. It was pretty comical. Especially since he distinctly said “okay” to each of the things I had listed off as being done/not done. To his defense, generally he’s still asleep (in between snoozes) or only half awake when I leave the house. And, I had been running behind yesterday morning so didn’t do some of the things I usually take care of. That said, I’ve only been back to work for two weeks. This weekday morning schedule/plan is still in the formative stages!

This is a rough outline of our morning schedule so far:
5:15ish (although it really needs to be 5am sharp!): Wake-up, put bottle in warmer, let the girls out to go potty, feed the girls, sometimes I pack bottles for The Hubby, too
5:25: Brush teeth, shower, etc.
5:40ish: Wake-up and change LMH’s diaper
5:45ish: Feed LMH
5:55: The Hubby’s first alarm goes off
Fix my lunch, grab piece of toast, etc.
6:05 ish: Leave for work

So, the point at which I’m downloading all of what I did or didn’t get done in the morning, The Hubby is still trying to catch his last few minutes of beauty sleep. I get it. I’m doing the same thing an hour earlier! But, our morning schedule isn’t working for three reasons.
1) I’m not waking up early enough. And, I absolutely HATE it when I oversleep, because I get less time with LMH!
2) There’s too much left for both of us to do in the morning.
3) Can’t expect The Hubby to remember stuff that he’s half awake to hear.

Clearly, we need to tweak the morning routine. I’m thinking about a marker board near the front door. And, the idea of a “chore chart” for the morning routine makes me giggle a little!

So, humble readers, I’m curious about your morning routines. How do you juggle it all and still make sure that what needs to get done actually gets done?

Out of the Dark

2010-11-18T11:15:00.000-06:00

Arwork availabe at http://deloresart.ca/

What would you do if you found out that you had only two months left to live? That’s the question a dear family friend is struggling to answer this morning. He went to the doctor a few weeks ago for pain and today he’s reeling with from the worst news of his life: cancer. They gave him 2 months to 2 years to live. I’m still a bit in shock.

Just as my mom was sharing this tragic news with me about one of our family’s oldest friends, I was reading this post over at Memorable Moments on “11 Things to Achieve before 11.11.11.” My first thought was what would you want to achieve if you had even less time than that. I really can’t imagine being given a life ultimatum as dire as two months. Would you fight the cancer? Or would you throw all of your time and effort into having the best two months you could ever imagine?

In the end, I guess it comes down to hindsight, right? If it turned out that you beat the cancer and lived for another ten years, fighting it would have been the right thing to do. If, on the other hand, you spent two months fighting and died in three, perhaps it wasn’t the best idea. The problem is that we don’t have the benefit of hindsight when we’re forced to make those excruciating life decisions. Faith and personality would end up being the determining factors, I think. I think my faith and my personality wouldn’t let me give up. Then again, who knows what I might think in that particular moment.

Thankfully, I’m blessed to stand at a far different moment right now, which leads me to my second thought upon reading the “11 Things t Achieve Before 11.11.11” post. By 11.11.11, I’ll be 30 years old. I’ve feared turning 30 for the last nine years. To me, 30 always represented a mid-life checkpoint moment….have I achieved the things I intended to achieve by the time I got here? Up until this year, many of those things were left unfulfilled. I think that’s why 30 has always been such a sore spot for me.

As I move closer to the 30th year of my life, I fear it less and less. My younger self had two distinct criteria (and many more nebulous ones) for success by age 30.

1. Two kids, and family building completed, by the age of 30.

2. Successful career, preferably having received the coveted “manager” title.

Now those requirements look kind of silly…a benefit of hindsight, of course. No, we won’t have our two kids by the time I turn 30, and now I know that there may not even be two kids in our future at all. But, I have my one perfect baby boy and if he’s the one child God planned for our family to have then so be it! A year ago, when were up to our necks in infertility testing and it all felt so insurmountable, I felt so much pressure about having at least one child by 30. LMH is such a gift that I feel beyond blessed to have had one child by 30, let alone worrying about not having had two!

As for that second requirement, I’m not sure I’ll have it fulfilled by 30 either. But, I’m more and more okay with that. Perhaps it’s the fact that I’m striving towards a better work-life balance now that LMH is here. Perhaps it’s the fact that I love my job as is, and I know it’s moving in that direction just not necessarily on my timeline. Perhaps it’s the fact that I feel confident that the company I work for is the perfect place for me, if I choose to stay in Corporate America. Or perhaps it’s that I’m actively seeking new outlets that could lead me in an entirely unexpected direction (like my soon to be announced new blog project). Whatever the reason, I’m okay with not being a manager by June of next year. In fact, I might be okay with not being a manager at all….a younger me shudders at the thought!

So, as I read Sonal’s post, I realized that I don’t know what I want to achieve before 11.11.11. I need new goals, because my old ones seem so shortsighted. I want to be a better me…a me who’s at peace with where and who I am. I want to take a more active stance in our community, reach out to new people, make lasting friends in our hometown. I want to define the direction that I will take for the next decade of my life. It’s interesting that when I started my 20s I wanted to be doing exactly what I am now, working at a successful airline (so I can check off that goal). But, as I begin my 30s, I’m not sure that I want the same things.

It’s time to do some soul searching. What might I accomplish in twelve months if I tackled it with the gusto of someone who’s just been given two months to live? While I’m struggling to answer that question, I pose it to you, as well….

Blog Tag Question

2010-11-17T14:50:00.000-06:00

My Tag Cloud has gotten unruly. I had been needing to spruce it up since even before my blogging hiatus. Now that I'm back, it seems in desparate need of some reorganization. I just don't know where to start. I don't necessarily have a better way of organizing things and I'm not fond of having to go into each post and retag it.

So, bloggie friends, what's your tagging philosophy? And, have you ever gone in to reorganize your tags? Any tips and tricks?

NaBloPoMo...FAIL!

2010-11-16T07:51:00.002-06:00

Yah, so obviously NaBloPoMo isn't going so hot since I've been back to work! In theory, I have more time to blog since I've been back, believe it or not, but I think I just haven't got back in the groove yet. I've had a post in my drafts for a week now, but it's not quite ready for air yet.

Meanwhile, so far I'm doing ok with work life balance....as long as everything goes according to schedule, that is. This week, we had some extra drama thrown in when Gracie started having a severe allergy attack. Within just a few hours on Sunday, she had scratched a giant sore on her neck and chin. And, by Monday night, when I went to pick her up, it was almost like she was having a seizure. She was all contorted and still frantically trying to scratch. I was literally in tears, it was so hard to watch. So, with that, she was off to the emergency vet.

The Hubby took her so that I could stay home with LMH, but things were just a little "off." I was worried and Audrey was whining constantly because she missed her big sister. Gracie knows how to be alone since she was a only-puppy for a year before we brought Audrey home. But, Audrey has always had Gracie, so she's pretty dependent on her big sister. Audrey's reaction just made it tougher on me, because I felt bad for her...but it also reminded me of how much I love my sweet Gracie! Long before LMH was here, back when we were still naive semi-newlyweds, Gracie taught us how to take care of someone other than ourselves. She showed us that we could handle more. She was truly our first baby. And, I dread the day...no, dread is stronger enough...I am terrified of the day when we have to let her go. Thankfully, that decision will be saved for a much later date. A few hours later, my Gracie was home.

She seems so much better already this morning. Those steroid shots take action pretty quick. Unfortnately, they also make her super dehydrated and upset her tummy! We'll probably be dealing with an upset tummy in a few days. But, at least for today she's feeling better!

Musings on Returning to Work

2010-11-09T11:02:00.004-06:00

* I thought this might get easier over time, but now I'm not so shure. More used to it, yes...easier, no. That said, I only went back to goodbye 3 times this morning (instead of 5 yesterday) and no tears yet. It's never going to be easier to sit here at work rather than spending my days with him.

From iParenting.com

* Meltdowns expected. I was prepared to be a puddle of tears all the way into work and have to pull myself together before walking in. Instead, I was a puddle of tears on Sunday night and did remarkably fine on the way into work. I think my new schedule (6:30-4) is a huge help. I had him picked up and us home by 5:10 last night. Harris is a night owl right now, so that gives us a lot of nice time together in the evening.

* It wouldn't matter who he was staying with (daycare or family) this would be hard. I had originally wished that he could stay with my MIL. And, while that would be nice, it wouldn't make this process any easier. I felt remarkably good about the care he was receiving at Warren yesterday. I wasn't upset so much about that. I was upset about missing things, and that would be the case regardless of where he stayed or who he stayed with.

* I always want to be the daycare picker-upper! For one thing, I can't have my new schedule if I were the dropper-offer. Plus, I think I'd be a mess if I had to drop him off, any time soon at leat. But, the biggest reason is that he smiled at me when I picked him up...and he usually just sleeps for daddy on his way to daycare! I LOVE that smile..something to look forward to during the long days...

* The Hubby doesn't do so hot with making outfit choices in the morning. I started washing LMH's 6-9 month clothes on Sunday since he's starting to transition into some of the smaller 6 month things. Our morning routine is that I feed him, but The Hubby gets him dressed. Well, I left out a few of his current outfits for Hubby to choose from. Seemed easy enough, except that I apparently left a 6-9 month outfit in the pile unbeknownst to me. Here's where it gets funnuy...The Hubby happened to pick that very outfit (out of 4 in the stack). Did he notice that it was GINORMOUS on LMH? Of course not! So, when I picked LMH up yesterday afternoon, his pants almost fell off and the daycare teacher laughed and said "yah that's been happening all day." I just said "Daddy dressed him." LOL! Silly Daddy. And silly Mommy...now I'll only be leaving one outfit for the day! Lesson learned!

Counting down the hours today...Already just 5 to go!

A Cookie-licious Christmas

2010-11-06T22:00:00.001-05:00

Photo from TastyKitchen.com

I always try to get a little something for Christmas for coworkers on my team, or others that I'm close to. This year, though, that was going to prove a little difficult since we've been sans my paycheck for about two months now. Luckily, I've also been doing a lot of baking while on leave and the two topics collided into what promise to be yummy coworker Christmas gifts!

Mostly, I've just been making box mixes and doctoring them up a bit. But, yesterday, I had a bunch of candied ginger to use up from my last trip to Central Market. I didn't really have any specific recipe in mind for it, but it just looked interesting. That, my friends, is the exact reason why Central Market is so dangerous...too both my pocketbook and my waistline. I rather love shopping there occasionally, though. Just kind of warms my soul (spoken like a true closet foodie)!

Anyway, I went on a search for something yummy to do with this pile of candied ginger. What I found was these Gingered Orange Shortbread cookies. Shortbread was already on my "list of baked goods to try making someday," so that worked out rather well. Luckily, the shortbread baking experience went soooo much better than my attempt to bake french macarons last month. That was a big fat FAIL!

No, the shortbread was the exact opposite...easy, cheap and DELICIOUS! Seriously, I highly recommend it. Just a handful of ingredients that you probably already have on hand, less than 20 minutes to mix, 20-25 minutes to bake and...Voila! Delicious cookies that taste much more complex and difficult than they really are. I even made them sans the white chocolate and they're still fabulous! And, what's even more awesome about shortbread...once you have a basic recipe, you can change get as creative as your heart desires with the flavoring ingredients! Shortbread is a yummy blank canvas!

So, it looks like I'll be baking quite a few batches of these little gems for Christmas and packing them up with the Story of the Christmas Orange. Perfection!

The End and The Beginning

2010-11-06T01:15:00.000-05:00

Today was the last day of my maternity leave. Technically, I guess Sunday is the last day of my leave, but weekends don't count to me...I'd have the weekend off anyway. I handled it better than I thought I would. Though, I'll admit to quite a few "it'll be ok" and "remember this" moments throughout the day.

Part of me, though I don't want to admit this, might even be a tiny bit excited to go back to work. I am afraid what I'm going to find on my first day back! I mean, I can't even imagine what 3 months of piled up work looks like...or how I'm going to get up to speed after someone else took care of a few of my projects for 3 months.

Three months...so long and yet so fast. Today also marked the beginning of Harris' third month with us. Three months ago today, we were rushing to the hospital for an emergency c-section. Three months ago today, I held (and saw, though not necessarily well) my perfect baby boy for the first time.

I find it interesting, or perhaps ironic, that one end marks another beginning. I'm reminded of my high school class song..."Every new beginning is another new beginning's end." Couldn't be any more accurate. And, I just have to keep looking at it that way. Today wasn't really the end of anything, it was just the beginning of something new, and not necessarily worse, for all of us. One day at a time is my mantra right now...one new beginning at a time...

New Day...

2010-11-04T21:36:00.000-05:00

...new state of mind! I actually posted this on my Fa.cebook Wall this afternoon...

Picked him up and now he's fast asleep! I really do love Warren...everyone is so sweet and he's very well taken care of! Please remind me that I said this on Monday...

It would seem that my psyche is better off taking him to daycare because it reminds me of what a great place it is. I'm not 100% convinced that daycare is what I want for him long-term (but I also don't have any other option right now). But, as far as daycares/preschools go, Warren is top-notch!

We got up this morning bright and early...seriously, I am SO not looking forward to doing that everyday again. Ugh! Anyway, I got up about 5:50 and started to get ready. My goal was to have him at daycare by 7am. It was a test run for the days that I'll drop him off in the morning. Unfortunately, We got there about 7:20. I was kind of shocked! There's really not much else I could cut out of the morning routine. All that's left is to wake up even early...good thing we did the practice run!

When we got there, it was just him and one other baby. Looks like he'll get lots of personal attention from 7-8/8:30 when most of the rest of the infant room gets there. According to his daily sheet, he was there 5 hours and was barely awake for 2 of them. I'm amazed at how much better he naps there than he does at home! When I picked him up around 12:30, he was mid-nap...again! I'm glad he sleeps better there, and I'm glad they're stimulating him enough to tire him out so much!

When I went to pick him up, most of the babies, including him, were asleep. Just a couple were awake and they were getting one-on-one time with one of the teachers over at the floor mirror. They helped me pack his stuff up and get him in his carseat without waking him up. When I was there on Tuesday, I watched the wipe away one of the baby's tears with a tissue. That just struck me as going the extra mile.

So, all in all, I just feel really good about Warren. This all brings me back to that post from a few days ago where I realized that it's the fear of missing things that's my problem. That's still very true. But, at least I feel better today....just going to have to take it one day at a time for awhile!

Skip

2010-11-03T23:45:00.000-05:00

I suppose this is a placeholder post. I don't want to skip my third NaBloPoMo post, but I'm exhausted and am planning on getting up early tomorrow morning for a daycare morning practice run. Have just been feeling kind of down today. Can't believe that three months has already boiled down to just the next four days....

Trying to figure out how to make the most of them without feeling like it's the last of everything, because that would be silly. And yet, that's how it feels at the moment. I'm grateful for the Lexapro I got earlier, right after he was born and we got the bad news about my vision. I think it will be useful over the next couple of weeks.

I asked the hubby if I was going to feel any better about this soon. He said he thought I'd feel a lot better about everything by the end of next week. I think that's wishful thinking. I'm hoping I'll feel a bit more sure about everything in a month. I figure I'm going to feel like crap most of next week. Lovely positive thinking, huh? Part of the problem next week will just be sheer exhaustion. Being tired doesn't exactly help my mood too much to begin with. I am very grateful that next week is my flex week...only have to make it through four days before I get to spend Friday with LMH! Four days..surely that's doable!

Pause Button

2010-11-02T23:24:00.000-05:00

We survived transition day one. And, it wasn't awful. We got there about 8:30 and I hung out with him until about 1, left to run some errands, and then came back around 3. I can already tell that he's going to have a great time. There are three other babies right around his age, give or take a month or two, so he'll be able to grow up with them. And, the Infant room teachers are so wonderful. They've both been there for years (definitely a rarity in the daycare world) and are great with the babies.

I know he'll be very well taken care of and I know he'll enjoy his time there. And, to top it all off, he takes WAY better naps there than he does at home. So, why do I still feel so crappy? I'm pretty sure it has little to do with the fact that this morning was the first time in months that I've actually woken up, stayed awake, and gotten ready before 7am. No, that's not the cause, but it can't be helping.

Remember that movie from a year or so ago-- I think it was an Adam Sandler flick-- where he had a remote control and could fast forward, pause and rewind his life? I wish I had one of those life remotes right about now. I'd like to put the brakes on this week, but speed through next. Of course, I don't think I ever saw that movie, but I'm pretty sure that last statement totally negates the whole moral of the story...life is in the details, good and bad, blah, blah, blah. I'm so not in the mood...

Transition

2010-11-01T22:10:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is our first "transition" day at daycare. I'm grateful for the chance to transition, because it might make leaving him there all day starting next week infinitesimally easier. I'll take whatever small bit of "easier" I can get. The Merriam-Webster definition doesn't do much to make me feel any better about this either...

Transition (noun): passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another. See also: change.

What new "state" are we passing into? It's not so much the idea of me going back to work that bothers me, or even the fact that other people will be caring for him during the day (although the fact that he'll will essentially spend more time at daycare during the day than with us doesn't make me very happy). We picked an awesome Montessori daycare/preschool, so I know that he will be well taken care of. No, on the surface it's not either of those things troubling me tonight.

It's really all about the fear of missing things. More accurately...the fear of missing everything.

What are the odds that his firsts are going to happen between the few hours he's awake in the evenings after we get home or on the weekend? The odds aren't really in our favor. I've never been that good with change.

The hubby has mentioned that if I really want to stay home, we would find a way to make it work. We'd have to change our lifestyle quite a bit. But, we have managed to survive the last two months of my leave without a paycheck. I don't actually believe that we could make it long-term without my paycheck, but maybe we could.

The truth is that I never thought I'd be a very good stay-at-home-mom. I really like my job. Some days, I even love my job. I need projects. My brain needs challenges...and not so much the "what's causing that particular cry" kind. I really love the people I work with and the corresponding adult interaction. I've even felt a little isolated at times during the last few months.

So, as much as I don't want to go back, I do want to, too. And, I don't know what that says about me as a mom or as a woman. In a perfect world, I could work from home...come up with some brilliant new product or business idea and go from there. But, the truth is that I have no such ideas. Apparently, I wouldn't be a very good entrepreneur either!

What I do know is that I'm a great mother. I love my little man with all my heart and want nothing but the best for him. I just don't know yet whether that means me at home or me at work. Both answers scare me...

NaBloPoMo & Halloween

2010-10-31T11:34:00.002-05:00

What better way to jump back into blogging than to dive in head first with NaBloPoMo? What's NaBloPoMo, you ask? Why National Blog Posting Month, of course! Essentially it's a challenge to write a post every day for 30 days during the month of November.

So, join us...can you blog 30 times in 30 days? If you're up for the challenge, you can sign up here at NaBloPoMo central or with Suzy at Not a Fertile Myrtle.
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It's Halloween and here in Texas apparently we trick-or-treat on Halloween, even when Halloween falls on a Sunday. Not really sure what to expect by way of trick-or-treaters. Last year, Halloween was on a Sunday and we hardly had any stop by, so I'm thinking the numbers on a Sunday will be even lower (read nonexistent). It really strikes me as odd, though, since we live in a very family oriented area/neighborhood.

We're planning to get H dressed up in either his puppy or little devil costume (will have to post a pic of the little devil...too funny) and hang out on the patio and wait for the kiddos. Gracie and Audrey (the fursisters) bark like crazy when a doorbell rings, so it's just easier to avoid the doorbell and dispense candy from the patio! I hope that we have at least a few trick-or-treaters...it is LMH's first Halloween after all!

I also just remembered that I was planning on making a Halloween themed dinner. Would have been nice if I'd remembered that before the hubby left for Wal-Mart and was even nice enough to ask me if I needed anything. Well, yes, as a matter of fact, but since he just pulled into the driveway, I think LMH and I will be headed out to the store a little later. I'm thinking mummy dogs are on the menu!

Happy Halloween Everyone!

Little Man H!

2010-10-30T13:48:00.014-05:00

I've missed blogging and I've missed all of you! For some reason, I really just needed to take a break near the end of my pregnancy, but I never really planned on disappearing completely. I needed a break, but I didn't know why. Now, I do. For awhile there, blogging made me feel somehow ungrateful and guilty. I didn't how to straddle the line between fertile and infertile. Blogging here, in particular, made me feel guilty...but, feeling guilty made me feel ungrateful for our miracle. It's not that straightforward, though. I know that now. Reading blogs of people who had come out on the other side gave me so much hope during those darker days. Maybe our story will do the same.

I always planned on coming back once he was born. The latter end of our pregnancy had some unexpected complications, though...H came about a month early and I was unable to use the computer for a week or so before he was born and about a month after due to issues with my own vision. I spent so much time worrying about him that I never really stopped to worry about myself. In the end, he was perfect and I had the lingering issue....

So anyway, I've been waiting all this time to post, because I wanted to wait until I had his birthstory written...but, I'm still working on it. In fact, I have writer's block. It was such a time of emotional extremes...sheer joy at his birth and sheer terror at the thought (and reality) of not being able to see him. It's been difficult to relive it in order to write it down, but I feel that I need to do it so that I can truly process it all.

H is FABULOUS! He's an absolute dream baby! Honestly, I can't imagine a more perfect, adorable baby boy and I already can't imagine what we did before he was here. Our life and family just feel complete now...perfectly how it's supposed to be!

So, here are a few pics of his first fabulous, amazing, wonderful (I could keep going, but I digress...) three months with us. I hope we're back now...I plan to be back. I feel the need/urge to blog again now that our life is settling into its new normal. I go back to work in about a week and I'm sort of terrified. Real life is already much more complicated than my wonderful three months in a bubble with LMH were! *sigh*

So, we're back! I'm not sure what the blog will look like now, but Little Man H and I will be here for sure! And, come on...how can you resist THAT face?

Belated ICLW Welcome

2010-02-24T13:43:00.000-06:00

This is a much belated "hello and welcome to my blog" in honor of ICLW! I ended up getting sick with a nasty sinus infection and pretty much slept for the better part of the last few days. The sinus pressure was insane! In the end, my OB prescribed some antibiotic on the premise that the infection was much worse for baby than the meds. Sure enough, the antibitoic worked like a charm! Gotta love the Z-pack!

Nothing much new going on here. I guess I just don't feel like I have many interesting these to say these days. We're formally in the second trimester now! So, we also formally announced to our colleagues at work just this week. We're at 14 weeks and got a lot of "why did you wait so long" responses. It's a pretty personal thing! I hung on a little longer before telling everyone because I was dealing with the fear of the jinx and not wanting to cause anyone else to feel like I did when others announced pregnancy news. However, I finally realized that we deserved to celebrate, too...and that I would do my best to be considerably more tactful than many of my colleagues last year were. Posting to Faceb00k, though? I still haven't quite worked up the nerve to do that yet.

There are a few semi-exciting things going on this week, though...

1) I looked in the mirror today and for the first time, I saw more bump than pudge! I don't think that anyone else would possibly notice it through clothes. But, I was just so excited to see it! I don't expect there to be a noticeable bump for awhile, but I was excited to see it progressing...slow but sure!

2) On Thursday night, Hubby and I are going to a giant consignment sale at the convention center for all things baby, children and maternity. They've got everything from baby clothes to maternity clothes, cribs to toys.

Much to my dismay (I've been on this soapbox lately), my company doesn't provide short-term disability. We're determined for me to be able to take the full 12-weeks off, but it means that 2 months of it will be unpaid. We've been budgeting and saving like crazy trying to make it work.

One of the things that I've had to change my mindset on is nursery furniture. I would've loved for us to have been able to buy an awesome, new designer crib from a boutique or something, but it's just not feasible. And, my hope is that we'll be able to get something of higher quality by buying gently used than new. The bottomline for me is that time with Beaker before I go back to work is certainly worth getting a bit creative with the furniture situation.

I'm hoping that we'll be able to find a crib, dresser and rocker at the consignment sale. Plus, the newly appearing bump requires that I do some shopping for maternity clothes, too! Should be a good time, if Hubby can survive the onslaught of pregnancy hormones from all the women at the convention center! LOL! I'm hoping it's both fun and productive!

Beaker Waves Hello!

2010-02-12T11:43:00.002-06:00

Yesterday's NT Scan happened right on schedule! Actually, it happened early. I have absolutely no idea what happened on Tuesday, because even in the midst of a nasty wintry mix yesterday that ended up breaking the prior record for one-day snowfall in the Dallas-area, we somehow managed to get to the doctor's office 30 minutes early yesterday!

I'm so glad we decided to do the NT Scan, because it was the first time we saw Beaker move! I'm always nervous before ultrasounds, and this one was no exception. But, I felt more at peace this time than the last two. And, I was in awe of that growing, moving, waving, thumb-sucking little one in there!

I was secretly holding out hope that we might get a gender prediction out of our NT, but our sono doc said it was too early. And, even if she had been willing to venture a guess, I think it would have been tough given the way Beaker was laying. Still, we were able to get some great pics! And, I think I'm finally comfortable enough that Beaker has nestled in for the long haul to announce our news to everyone that doesn't already know in the next week or so. I've told people here and there, so plenty of people know, but the idea of a mass announcement has left me feeling sort of skiddish for some reason. It's time, though.

We haven't heard back quite yet on the NT bloodwork, but the nuchal fold measurements were all well-within normal limits. And, Beaker already has a prominent nose, which is also another sign of normal development at this point. Apparently, Down's Syndrome babies often haven't developed noses by this point.

We were thrilled that the NT results were great, but in reality this was mostly about seeing Beaker for us. And, with that Beaker did not disappoint! We have some great pictures to last us until weeks 18-20 when we've already decided that we'll be paying out-of-pocket for a u/s for gender determination. Even uber-patient, "go with the flow" Hubby was all for that when he heard that our next official u/s wasn't until 27 weeks. We have very little preference either way on boy or girl, but the suspense is killing us! :-)

So, without further adieu, Beaker says Hello!

A Murphy's Law Kind of Day

2010-02-09T12:46:00.000-06:00

So, we were supposed to have our NT Scan this morning. Unfortunately, it's been rescheduled until Thursday morning. It's totally our fault, but that doesn't make me feel any better or leave many any less upset.

For starters, as of last week we switched from my OB's satellite clinic to the main office because it's easier to get appointments there. He's only at the satellite office once a week. Last Friday's OB appointment was our first at the main office. It's definitely farther from the house, but last week it only took us about 25 minutes. We planned for about the same this morning.

However, we got off to a bit of a late start because there was a problem with one of the dogs. Quick to fix, but we probably ended up leaving the house about 5 minutes to late. Then, things started to really go downhill. Traffic was heavier than usual to the extreme. We hit every single freakin' red light. And, then Hubby, who was driving ahead of me in the truck (I was following) with the GPS, took a wrong turn.

I realized that we were pushing 10 minutes late, so I called the office to let them know that we were less than 5 minutes away. The receptionist that answered the phone seemed to be having a particularly crabby day. She very curtly said ok and hung up. Then, 30 seconds later she called back and informed me that they wouldn't see us today and was extremely rude about it. By the time I got off the phone with them rescheduling we were a block or two from the parking lot.

I was already upset and starting to cry just over the crabby attitude of the lady and the letdown of not seeing the baby today. But, I had to call Hubby to let him know. He wouldn't answer his phone. And, still thinking he was lost (something that he doesn't deal with very well), thought that I was honking my horn and flipping my lights on and off to tell him that. When he finally answers his phone, he said "I know" all rude-like and hung up on me!

So, at this point, I'm the epitomy of a hormonal, crazy sobbing pregnant woman!

Luckily, when I called DH back sobbing he realized that something more was going on and actually listened to me. Novel concept, right? At that point, we parked in the parking lot right across from the doctor's office and he came over to my car and held me while I cried for a bit. After his momentary outburst, he was so sweet about everything. It was a good thing, too, because I was an illogical wreck for a few minutes!

It was totally our fault that we were late. I don't dispute that. They had every right to cancel the appointment, but a little civility and politeness could have gone far...especially when dealing with a hormonal pregnant lady!

And, I know that it's only two days, but I just get so worked up and excited about seeing the baby, that it was a huge letdown. I'm sure it will pass quickly and that everything will be fine on Thursday. In the meantime, we'll probably be pulling out the doppler tonight just to put my mind at ease! And, we'll be planning TONS of extra time for the trip there on Thursday morning! Not taking any chances this time!

Uneventful

2010-02-05T19:57:00.000-06:00

We had our first OB appointment today, but it was laregley uneventful. Well, unventful except for the blood draw, that is. No ultrasound today, but we do have our NT Scan on Tuesday morning. We were both really happy with how everything went. Dr. E has been my doctor for the last year or so and we've always really liked him. In fact, I think it's in large part do to him that we got to our BFP when we did since he ordered our SA so early (due to Hubby's family history). They knew our story and were all very happy to see us. It wasn't a hard choice at all to stick with him, but I was curious to see how they handled a prenatal appointment.

I love his nurse and we got to spend a great deal of time with her this morning. I got a lecture that I probably needed to hear about taking medicine when I need it. She said that if I don't feel good the baby doesn't feel good either. And, that there are quite a few perfectly safe OTC medicines that can help (and provided an extensive list). I've barely taken Tylenol even for pretty substantial headaches, so this lecture was well-deserved. I'll probably end up somewhere in the middle...not going to pop a pill for every minor thing, of course, but I'll ease up when I really need to. And, now that Hubby heard the same lecture, he won't let me be so stubborn anymore!

Then, we spent some time with Dr. E talking about the schedule, some quesetions about birth plans, various hospitals, on call procedures, etc. I also had a pap smear and exam. Then, it was off for blood work. I have problem veins. I guess I didn't really realize how much so until the RE, but now I'm very aware! I warned them. They laughed and said that they couldn't be that bad. Well, about the time she was going to have to try to get the blood from my hand, she conceded that they were in fact that bad! Luckily, my left arm finally cooperated (after a lengthy try at the right) and we were able to avoid going to the hand.

The only really surprising thing today was that apparently our next ultrasound after Tuesday's NT Scan, unless we want to pay for one out-of-pocket, isn't untill 27 weeks. Do most people have to pay for the 18-20 week gender ultrasounds out-of-pocket or do other offices just do it differently? Hubby says that it will all work out and we probably won't have to wait that long. I hope he's right. Waiting another 8 weeks seemd long, but doable. Not to fond of the idea of waiting another 16! Still working on that patience thing apparently...

(Jem...Will get that pic of the bottle/announcement posted for you this weekend!)

Hibernation

2010-01-29T10:49:00.001-06:00

So, I feel like a bear, except rather than hibernating through the winter, I'm hibernating through the first trimester. I pretty much sleep, work, eat, and sleep. I haven't been doing a great job of keeping in touch with anyone in real life or otherwise, as you can plainly see by the lack of recent posts here. I guess there just hasn't been a ton too exciting to say..."sleep, work, eat, sleep" doesn't leave much room for exciting news. On top of that, I'm transitioning to a new job at work, so it just exacerbates the sleep part of my routine!

However, there are some new developments this week, so I thought it warranted a post. This past weekend, we shared the baby news with our extended family at a much belated Christmas celebration. We normally draw names and just each do one gift for that person. We did that, but then also had a special gift for everyone...bottles with sonogram pictures inside! We had everyone open their gift bags at the end of the gift exchange. It was a huge hit and a giant surprise! I had a hunch that a couple of them already had a clue something was up. Turned out no one had any inkling! It was so much fun! My cousins, who are more like sisters, are very excited to be aunts soon!

The other news is that I'm fairly confident that we heard the Beaker's heartbeat on the doppler last night. K let us borrow her doppler, but held off giving it to us until 10 weeks because she new (rightfully so) that I'd obsess if we didn't hear anything. I had originally intended to wait until closer to next Friday's appointment just in case I freaked out. But, I just couldn't hold out any longer...especially after I read that 95% of women hear a heartbeat in the 10th week. Yesterday was 10 weeks, 2 days. Surely we wouldn't fall in the 5%, right?

Hubby is convinced that we heard the heartbeat, and I am 99% certain, as well. Two weeks ago at the RE, baby's heartbeat was 164. Last night, we were able to find a 160bpm heartbeat 4 or 5 times in the same general vicinity right above my pelvic bone on the right side. The confusing part, though, was that it's SO easy to find your own heartbeat that it makes you second guess things. It was especially difficult to find Beaker because I think he/she settled in near an artery. So, we could find a steady 160 for a few seconds, but when baby moved, it would turn back into my heartbeat instead. Makes it kind of easy to second guess. However, the fact that we were able to consistently find 160 in the same area...I believe it was definitely Beaker!

It was fun trying out the doppler last night. Hubby was very sweet...he's actually the one that brought the box in and said "let's see what Beaker has to say." Albeit, I had suggested that I'd like to try earlier in the day, but it certainly didn't require any reminders. And, he was intent on being the one to use the wand to try to find him. Very sweet!

So, we have no reason to assume that everything isn't going wonderfully down there! One week from today is our first official prenatal with the OB. It's only been two-and-a-half weeks since the last RE appointment, but it feels like an eternity. I'm definitely ready for the next appointment! In the meantime, I'm going to head back into my cave for another week of hibernation!

Beautiful Sound!

2010-01-14T10:57:00.002-06:00

It's amazing how much Beaker had grown in two short weeks...looked more like a baby and less like a bean! :-) There was a very prominent head and definite arm buds. The angle made it a bit hard to see leg buds, but they were there, as well.

The most amazing part, though, was hearing the heartbeat. I don't think I was at all prepared for what that would feel like. At our last appointment, the RE turned the audio on and we could hear rumbling and a mix of noises, but our untrained ears weren't precise enough to detect the baby's heartbeat from noise. The RE could hear it, and the machine could count it...and that was enough for me that week. This time, though, it was clear as day.

I about lost it at that moment! Even more than first seeing a baby blob on the screen last time, I was struck by the wonder and awe of the fact that it wasn't my heartbeat that I was hearing. For the first time in my life, there was a heart beating inside me that wasn't my own. It was truly amazing. And, though it felt oh so real before...and my symptoms don't let me forget it...it feels all the more real after hearing that strong, healthy 164bpm heartbeat! The baby is measuring 8w2d and we've officially graduated from the RE. Our first OB appointment is on 2/5!

I'm nervous before every ultrasound, and I imagine that's normal. I was slightly less nervous before this one than the last time, probably normal, as well. I know that we're by no means out of the woods yet...and I'm reminded of that regularly on blogs and iV when I read about women who had a healthy 6/7/8 week heartbeat and then nothing at the next appointment. I will feel more comfortable when we can hear the baby on the doppler at home. And yet, I feel strangely confident that all is well and that all will be well with our baby and this pregnancy. I'm grateful for that confidence today and hope that it remains as strong as Beaker's heartbeat until our next appointment in early-February!

Still Alive!

2010-01-11T14:30:00.000-06:00

Wow! It's been almost 2 weeks since I last posted! I wish I had some fabulous excuse, but I don't. Well, unless sleeping is a decent excuse! I'll do my best to get you all caught up...

I definitely have morning sickness that's more of "all day sickness," but it never actually results in throwing up. For that I'm grateful. And, yet, it also makes me feel like a gigantic wimp because I know that I could feel much worse than I actually do at this point! I guess I'd call my current feeling a mix of a cold, flu and constant seasickness. It's just really draining, though I'm grateful for it. The best answer would be lots of sleep, but I've been having some pretty significant low back pain (which I assume is related, though I also would've thought that it was too early for back pain?) that has made sleeping soundly a bit difficult. The result of this combination is that I generally walk around in a spacey fog!

My laptop AC adapter died early last week. When I plug it in now, it just emits a high pitched buzzing noise. I figure that's a pretty bad sign. And, since I have no intention of burning the house down, I haven't tried it further. We have a desktop at home, as well, but I have little interest in sitting at the desk in the office at the end of the day. Luckily, a new one should be on order today. Once my laptop is back to its fully functional status, my posting (and commenting) should be back to normal, too.

Food cravings and aversions...this one has been kind of bizarre. I haven't gotten sick, so it's weird to me that some things sound so revolting that I fear that would make me sick. And, some of those now revolting things are perfectly usual things I used to eat in abundance. My diet for the last week has pretty much consisted of bland white things. In fact, I've had at least one baked potato a day for probably the last seven days! Fruit sounds extremely good; anything overly sweet sounds awful. I haven't had any meat in a week, either. No appetite for it at all. Oh, and the most bizarre....I want absolutely nothing to do with chocolate! That's insanity!

On Friday night, I ordered linguini with marinara from O.live G.arden and DH picked it up on his way home. When he got home, though, it turned out that they had given him someone else's order...chicken parmesan. It sounded and looked absolutely revolting! I called to ask if they could make my original order and we'd be in shortly to pick it up. They threw in a free dessert for our trouble. I said anything but chocolate and the server suggested lemon creme cake. I had a bite Friday night and it was delicious. However, it's still sitting in the fridge. Absolutely bizarre!

Our next (and hopefully last) appointment at the RE is on Wednesday. I also finally got my first regular OB appointment scheduled last week. It'll be on February 5.

I think that the all-over-the-place nature of this post is a brilliant example of the current "spaciness!" Please bear with me...coherent posts will hopefully resume soon!

Beautiful Sight!

2009-12-30T21:25:00.000-06:00

I was a ridiculous bundle of nerves all day. I tried to sleep most of our four hour car ride home, but the butterflies that had invaded my tummy made that a near impossibility. By the time we made it to the clinic, my hands were shaking. I felt like I was either going to be sick or hyperventilate as I changed and assumed the position. (As it turned out, that "going to be sick" feeling has been with me the whole day, so I have a feeling it's a bit more related to "morning" sickness than nerves!)

Once the RE joined us in the u/s room, it was right down to business. In hardly no time at all, we saw my uterus. Shortly thereafter we saw the yolk sac. For a second, all the awful thoughts raced through my head again. But, a few clicks and a zoom or two later, and I heard the RE say that there was a healthy heartbeat there. She asked if we could see it, but it took me a few seconds to both comprehend what she was saying and find a gap in between thre stream of tears!

Beaker's little heartbeat was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. At 6wks1day it was 114 beats per minute. The RE says that's a great number for our timeline! We saw both the black and gray flicker and the blood flow "map" of red and blue colors. Just beautiful! We're in total awe of the little life growing inside me. It feels simultaneously all the more real and surreal!

Our next appointment with the RE is in two weeks (at 8wks) and then we'll get released to my OB. We had the option of going straight to the OB, but I had a feeling that we'd miss a chance to see Beaker if we did, so we opted to do the one last appointment with the RE before moving on.

I know that we're by no means out of the woods yet. That point was made all too painfully today when one of my online friends went in for her 8 week ultrasound after seeing a healthy heartbeat at 6 weeks only to find that the baby had stopped growing. High risk factors or not, it doesn't change the sadness or the sense of caution. And yet, I have such a sense of relief that we've past this first huge hurdle. Beaker has a strong, healthy heartbeat. One day at a time...but, for today, all is well and beautiful in our world!

Finally Here!

2009-12-29T21:11:00.000-06:00

In less than 24hrs we'll be at the clinic for our first u/s! I had begun to think I'd never be able to say that it was finally here! We've had a wonderful time in Arkansas with the fam, but I'm ready to go home. Well, it's not so much that I'm ready to go home...I'd stay longer if it weren't for the u/s. But, I'm so very ready for the u/s!

I've run both scenarios through my head all day...the happy, healthy heartbeat...or the emptiness. I made a comment to my mom that if she got a call from me, it was good news. But, if it was a call from Hubby, that probably meant bad news. Hubby shushed me before I could even get the sentence out. I just haven't been able to not think about the bad news scenario today. I guess I felt like I had to think it through just long enough to be prepared. Sillly, really, because there's no level of preparedness for news like that.

So, we head home in the morning. There's some snow in the forecast for here and some icy mix in the forecast for TX. We're leaving with plenty of time to spare, but it could be a slightly interesting trip home. My grandparents called yesterday, all concerned after watching the weather, suggesting that we change our plans. We lived in Minnesota for five years. A dusting of ice and snow in Arkansas and Texas doesn't compare. Needless to say, no changing of plans happened. We will be extra careful, though, of course.

This time tomorrow, we'll have seen Beaker for the first time!

Post-Christmas Catch-Up

2009-12-27T15:16:00.000-06:00

I'm behind again...behind with posting and commenting. Will be trying to catch up on ICLW comments today!

First of all, a belated Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays to everyone! I drove home from Arkansas to Missouri on Christmas Eve. Snow to my North, West and South; rain in between. Luckily, I seemed to be just behind or ahead of the worst of everything and managed to only have to drive through what amounted to a heavy sprinkle most of the way. This was really my first solo roadtrip and I was pretty proud of myself for having handled it all so well. I was also really grateful to be done with all the driving, since Hubby will be driving us back to Dallas on Wednesday! For those of you that were wondering about when I got any downtime-- no worries. I really never got out of my PJs the one full day I was in Missouri and since I got to Arkansas, I've slept in late and taken plenty of naps. I was extremely tired after all that driving, but I'm doing my best to get caught up!

It's family tradition here to spend Christmas Eve with my grandparents. This year was no exception. And, we'd also been waiting for this occassion to share the news of their first great grandchild. We put this picture in a pretty "baby" picture frame for them to open:

They were ecstatic. A few tears; lots of congratulations and plenty of stories of when my dad and uncle were born. My granparents also showed us where they had saved all of the Golden and other books from when my dad, brother and I were kids. Our baby will start off with a very nice classic book collection!

Next up, was Christmas morning. Hubby totally blew me away with a beautiful Mother & Child pendant...and I know that may seem a bit odd, but it's totally in keeping with how we're choosing to celebrate each day with Beaker; no matter what happens, we are parents now. In fact, Hubby polled a few of our close friends and family on if this gift was a good idea. The reaction was 50/50, but I'm glad Hubby went with his gut on this one...he knows me so well!

Since then, there has been plenty of rest and relaxation, with a fair amount of worry mixed in for good measure. My symptoms have been progressing, though still no morning sickness. The boobs are terribly sore and that uber sense of smell thing has been taken to extremes! Audrey happened to step just right on my tummy this morning resulting in a bit of pain. That freaked me out a bit, but my mom reminded me that the uterus is built much stronger than that. I know she's right, but I'd rather do without the stuff that amps up my worry meter! In fact, I went to the book store to buy one of those "pregncy day-by-day" books and left the store empty handed, because a brief scan through the pages just gave me more to worry about than I thought I really needed.

We're just a few short days from our first u/s now, though! Today is 5 weeks and 5 days. I believe, despite the intermittent--sometimes stronger than others--worry, that Beaker is doing just fine. We're looking forward to seeing that flickering little heartbeat by this time Wednesday!

Winding Road

2009-12-22T23:25:00.000-06:00

Last night I drove about four hours from Dallas to Arkansas to drop the pups off at my parents house for Christmas week and spend the night. This morning, I drove the remaining four hours to Missouri to be with BFF and her adorable eight-day old daughter, AJ. This trip, though on the agenda for most of the year, was on again, off again recently due to the somewhat strained nature of our relationship.

I'm so glad that we worked through all of that in time for me to be here this week. Actually, I'm not sure how much of it we actually worked through versus how much of it our recent BFP supposedly all made miraculously disappear. Still, it is amazing how everything feels almost "back to normal" for the first time in nine months! It's true that there are many things that BFF said along way that I understand a bit more now (not in relation to our IF, but with regard to pregnancy things she worried about). There are other things that I understand even less now, though. Regardless, I'm grateful that my dear, sweet friend has returned and that most of the walls that had been formed between us seem to have fallen.

BFF has alwasy been more like family than friend. Even the strongest families go through their tough times. I'm just grateful that I'm able to be here to help them when they needed it since their families on both sides haven't been able to be there to support them as much as they'd hoped. Little AJ is like family now, too...she's quite a show stopper!! Steals your heart with just a glance!

I'll be here until Christmas Eve. Then, it's back home to Arkansas to meet Hubby (who flies tomorrow) and start the family Christmas festivities!

Mind Over Matter (and ICLW)

2009-12-21T08:59:00.001-06:00

****Pregnancy Mentioned****

What a month! So much has changed since the last time we met for ICLW! When I registered for ICLW a month ago, I would never have imagined that I'd be pregnant now! I had come to believe that I could be writing from this perspective in March or April after our first cycle of IVF, but a miracle BFP the very same month the RE gave us less than 1% odds of a natural pregnancy? Never!

Given that when I registered for December ICLW, I had no idea what was in store, I want to be sure that I put it out there now so that my readers can choose whether they are able to follow this month or not. I completely understand, either way. I've had to make that choice to click away in the past, too.

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If you decided to stick around, you can catch up on our IF journey here and here and our out-of-nowhere BFP story here.
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I had already been writing this post in my head even before we went to church yesterday morning. After church, though, it kind of wrote itself. You see, I had already decided that getting through the next nine days without driving both myself and everyone around me crazy was going to require some serious "mind over matter" thinking.

I am choosing to believe that Beaker is fine, growing healthy and strong, and that we WILL see a heartbeat next week. There's no halfway on this for me. I guess I just don't do indifferent, or at least not when it comes to Beaker. Indifferent is too close to fear. Trying to live in that indifferent space just pushes me into the fear spiral that you all found me in last Friday morning. It feels better to believe that this amazing, miracle of a path God laid before us will continue to unfold in a positive way. If there's anything I've learned this Christmas season, it's to trust His plan.

I'll admit that we haven't always been as good about getting ourselves to Mass recently as we should have been. But, there was no doubt that we would be there yesterday. Sometimes the homily is wonderful, but I know that I'm not necessarily the one it was written for that week. Then, there are other days when the homily so perfectly fits where I am at the moment that it brings me to tears (and not just because my hormones are all over the place these days!). Yesterday was one of those days.

The homily was all about trust and faith...trusting that things are moving forward in the way their meant to move forward, even if we can't see the progress. If that wasn't the message I needed to hear right now, I don't know what was! Sometimes my resolve is tested and I find myself more filled with fear than hope, but that's only natural. Most of the time over the past few days, though, I've been able to enjoy these moments and be hopeful. And, when fear takes over, I remind myself of these concrete facts:

- Hubby's DNA Fragmentation came back way better than average.

- My uterus looked perfect in my hysteroscopy last month.

- New symptoms continue to appear (newest: gassy and increased sense of smell).

And, when all that fails. I remind myself that I believe in the miracles that got us this far and trust that our miracle is only just beginning.

Breathe

2009-12-18T13:36:00.000-06:00

Thanks, ladies, for all the support and stories. I heard similar stories from IRL ladies this morning. And, called the clinic and heard the same. Spotting on the TP is perfectly normal. Call if it gets any worse, but not to worry at small amounts of red or pink. So, now I breathe...

I always wondered why, in the 2ww, why does AF have to feel so much like possible pregnancy symptoms. Now, I wonder the same, in reverse. Why on earth do perfectly normal pregnancy symptoms feel so much like AF?! It's madddening! We're so conditioned that blood=bad, AF=bad, cramping+blood=AF. And, now I'm supposed to just trust that cramping+blood=perfectly normal pregnancy? Pretty much. But, I'm not the first and I won't be the last, so I just have to breathe!

In twelve days, we'll see Beaker's heartbeat. And, I just have to believe that is exactly how this is going to turn out. I don't want to live these next twelve days in fear, as difficult as that may be to avoid. I wouldn't mind a symptom or two, other than the scary bleeding, to help me feel a bit more secure in that belief! But, for now, I'm just going to breathe, say my prayers and think positive thoughts for Beaker!

That Worry Thing

2009-12-18T09:18:00.000-06:00

My last post, on Monday, was all about how I wasn't going to worry. I was just going to celebrate each day that we were pregnant. That lasted until about Tuesday before the worries started creeping in. And, then Thursday I had a little spotting. Not much. Not enough to need a panty liner. But, enough to scare the crap out of me. I'm feeling more AF-ish type cramping than the previous days, too.

I know that many woman spot in early pregnancy. I also know this is how miscarriages start. Maybe I've read one too many blog posts or spent too much time on iV. I don't know. How many women who have spotting at 4 weeks, 3 days really make it to a healthy baby in the end? Thinking positive just doesn't seem possible anymore. I feel like we're losing Beaker...and I just can't process it.

I haven't called the clinic. Three dots of redness seems like a bit too little to call in a panic. But, more than that, I also know that there's nothing they can do. They'll either tell me to wait it out. Or, they'll have me come in for more betas. And, I'm not sure I want the results. I don't want to take that call.

At the same time, I know that I'm supposed to be leaving for Missouri on Monday night to go be with BFF and her new baby (born Monday via c-section). If this is headed in the direction it feels like it is, I can't bear to go through that there, without Hubby. At least, if I got the bad beta results, I'd know to stay home.

I hope I'm overreacting. I hope that this is all a part of the process and the spotting was perfectly explainable and the AF-ish cramps are a normal thing to feel at this point. I feel less pregnant than I did yesterday. Things don't seem to be moving in the right direction. Not sure what to do or how to feel. I'm just in a daze.

168!!

2009-12-14T22:43:00.000-06:00

Got the second beta results back today. We needed 100, we got 168!! We're ecstatic! It feels much more real now that I know that everything is moving along just as it should.

Interestingly, Hubby and I have done a bit of a role reversal in the last couple days. Those of you who have read my blog for awhile will know that I'm a bit of a worrier. Pregnancy, however, has brought out a slightly different side of me. I've decided that I want to enjoy this pregnancy day-by-day...take each day as it comes because every new day we're pregnant is better than the last. I don't want to be an obsessed and worrying all the time. What happens during this pregnancy is already according to plan. And, whatever happens, I am still a mommy. In this moment, I am a mommy! I want to celebrate it today, not wait 9 months to celebrate! It's a very new way of looking at things for me. That "one day at a time" thing is very tough for me!

My dear, sweet Hubby, on the other hand, has completed our total role reversal by taking it upon himself to run the many non-happy ending scenarios through his head to figure out what we would do and how he would support me if it were to happen. He has become the Type-A worrier! How did that happen? On the one hand, I find it sweet...in a macho, protector sort of way. But, there are two issues with his line of thinking. First, it is keeping him from living in the moment and enjoying "Little Beaker" (a play on petri dishes and Muppets). Second, Hubby's depression already fills his brain with enough dark thoughts. It makes me sad that our happiest of occassions is giving him reason to fill it with more. I hope that his half of our role-reversal is short-lived.

Our first ultrasound is scheduled for 12/31...what a great way to ring in the New Year! It seems like four weeks is pretty early to see a heartbeat, but the nurse told me that we should be able to discern gestational sac(s) AND see a heartbeat. I hope she's right!

Ummmmm....

2009-12-13T10:18:00.001-06:00

I got up yesterday and decided to test. My department holiday party (an open bar extravaganza) was last night and I just wanted to be sure before taking part in all that. I never early test. A year ago, I bought a pack of 25 OPKs and 10 internet cheapie HPTs. I've been conditioned, as I'm sure you all can relate, to expecting (and then seeing, on the rare occassion that I test) a negative). What else would you expect when the RE told you a mere two weeks before that your chance of successful IUI was 3-8% and successful natural pregnancy less than 1%?

As of Saturday morning, I had 8 HPTs from that purchase a year ago! Now I have 5.

I tested the first time, fully expecting a negative with every fiber of my being. I'm a worrier and needed to see the stark white line before partaking at the party. I went ahead with my morning rituals (teeth brushed, face washed, etc) without even a hopeful glance in the direction of the test. When 3-minutes was up, I walked back over to the test, and to my amazement, there was a second line!!

So, I took another...still a line....and another...still a line. But wait, there's a problem! I realized my internet cheapies were expired! Figures, right? So, I ran to the store to get a digi. Sure enough, Pregnant popped up in three seconds flat! Shortly thereafter I was racing to the clinic for a blood test....which confirmed the other 5 tests with a beta of 52.3! Second beta on Monday.

We are ecstatic, thirlled and beside ourselves with joy! We're also shocked, awed and humbled! I was going to the clinic tomorrow to sign the clinical trial paperwork for us to start IVF next month. In the end, BFF and I were pregnant at the same time for exactly two weeks; I was able to give Hubby the ultimate 30th birthday gift; and the money we had saved and/or been given for IVF can now be used for all things baby. The timing leaves me speechless.

A few days ago, I wrote about trusting the path God had made for us. The path turned out far different than I imagined then, but I hear the message loud and clear. And, it leaves me speechless.

Community PSA-- Creme, Haikus and LFCA

2009-12-12T00:00:00.001-06:00

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you the following ALI Blogroll Public Service Announcement...

There are some big things going on in the ALI Blogosphere this week, so I wanted to take a moment to point them out in case you've missed them, but would like to take part. In fact, I sincerely hope that you all will take part, if you haven't already!

Creme de la Creme
The deadline for submissions to Creme de le Creme is Monday (December 14). Basically, the wonderful premise of this (another of Mel's fabulous ideas, as are the other two to follow) is that everyone has a best post. We all do. I've seen amazing posts on my followers' blogs (and other blogs I read, but may not necessarily be official followers of my blog). I know that you all have a best post from 2009. I urge you to submit your favorite/best post via this form. As long as you submit your post by December 14th, Mel will write a wonderful summary blurb and have your post up on January 1st, with the long list of other wonderful posts, and we'll all kick off 2010 by celebrating each other's best! (For full disclosure, I'll add that you can continue to submit your best 2009 posts well after 12/14, but I hope you'll do it by Monday so that you can join us on the New Year's Day list!) I look forward to reading everyone's creme de la creme in January!

The Golden Haiku
The Golden Haiku is a lot like Creme de la Creme with one big exception. While the Creme is open to only those in the IF world, The Golden Haiku is available to anyone with a blog. I'm sure that you have often felt what I often feel...that the rest of the world isn't always as supportive as we'd like on this IF journey. Educating the world about how it feels to be on this road is a huge step in gaining support and understanding. The Golden Haiku is one way for us to (hopefully) make headway there. It's also a brilliant way to meet new bloggers and make connections we may not otherwise have a chance to find. You can submit the same post you submitted for Creme, or something new. These posts will go up on January 15th. The rules for submission are a bit different (you won't your own summary haiku (hence the name), for example), so please check out the link above before heading over to the form to submit your favorite ambassadorial post.

LFCA
Lastly, but certainly not least, LFCA reached it's monumental 500th post this week! If you're not sure what LFCA is, it stands for Lost and Found and Connections Abound. It's a literal one-stop-shop for finding out the biggest happenings (projects, questions, losses and joyful announcements) in the ALI Blogosphere on any given day. But, more than that, it's a way for our community to come together to support each other. If LFCA is already near and dear to you heart, I encourage you to leave a comment on the Reflections post. I doubt I'll ever forget the day one of my dear readers submitted my news to LFCA or the day I first submitted someone else's. I know it sounds incredibly sappy, but it really is like a giant hug when you need it most! The support offered and received is immeasurable. I will continue to submit your news to LFCA and I hope you'll do the same for me and others!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming...

It's (Almost) Really Happening!

2009-12-11T10:05:00.001-06:00

This is really beginning to feel real...that we might actually be starting IVF #1 this time next month. Next month...January! Seriously! Thanks to my "I can't even begin to describe how wonderful they are" in-laws, our remaining financial concerns surrounding the IVF prepayment have been solved. I seriously can't even begin to describe how blessed and loved I feel right now...that Hubby's parents feel so strongly about us being able to start our family that they're willing to support it in such a generous way; that these people who I'm not related to by blood have always treated me as if I was born to be a part of their family. I never feel like the "daughter-in-law" the way I hear so many other people describe it.

There is no stigma attached to "mother-in-law" or "father-in-law" in our family either. I use the labels to help others understand the relationships, but I don't say it with disdain and I correct people when they assume the worst. In fact, so many people seem amazed (or aghast) when they hear that Hubby's dad is living with us for while the ILs are mid-relocation. Truth be told, though, I'll be sad to see him go. He goes out of his way to make our lives easier. And, I know that we're lucky to be able to share this extra time with him. His relationship with Hubby is stronger than ever and I know we also have this transition time to thank. I'm fully aware that this kind of in-law relationship is a rarity, and I plan to never take it for granted!

Of course, now that we know for sure that we can actually pay for IVF #1, the one remaining obstacle falls squarely on me...me and my remaining 3.5 pounds, that is! I hit a bit of a plateau the first half of this week. FIL, who also used to be a personal trainer, quizzed about what I had been eating and my exercise program. As it turned out, he thought I needed to mix it up a bit more, so I started doing some Ji.llian Mich.chaels workouts (of Big.gest L.oser fame). OMG! Seriously, they're killer...but WOW do they work. I started those workouts on Wednesday and, after sitting still on the scales for three days, I dropped another 2.5 pounds as of today. So, only 3.5 to go! That seems totally doable by next week.

Next week!? Next week, I will hopefully be signing the trial consent form for our first IVF cycle! I'm struggling a bit with how I should feel about this, because, truthfully, I mostly feel excited. But, I'm also completely aware of the fact (and keep reminding Hubby) that IVF #1 may not work for us. I don't want either of us to look at it as a sure thing. But, I do want us to fill ourselves with the belief that it could happen. And, not only that it could, but that there are strong odds in our favor.

I haven't figured out how to temper my excitement at the chance, the first real chance, IVF #1 provides us with nervousness I feel about the negative "what ifs." I'm by no means seeing it as a sure thing. My excitement doesn't come from that place. It comes from the fact that I want a shot at this. I want a shot at starting our family and this clinical trial is our best shot.

I'm also still in a bit of shock and disbelief at how the saying "everything happens for a reason" is coming true in our lives. That we would have gotten the answers we needed when we did and ended up receiving the IVF recommendation right on the tail end of this trial, but still with enough time to take part, is amazing in and of itself. That we waited as long as we did (until after our move South) to start TTC and ended up being here, with access to the trial, when we need it most is equally amazing. Then, there's the fact that the trial was supposed to end in October but has been extended, for unknown reasons, just long enough for us to take part. Or last, but certainly not least, that those we love (and who love us) were so supportive that they were willing to help us make the last pieces of the puzzle together. None of this is lost on me.

For years, I was ready to TTC and Hubby wasn't. He had good reasons and I understood them...I just didn't necessarily like them. Looking back, though, it all makes sense. I feel confident that this was the path that was always meant for us. I fought it for much too long, because I struggle so much with the unknown. Perhaps our TTC/IF journey is God's way of finally teaching me to trust His path. That's a message I've been hearing for awhile, but I've struggled to learn. Now I get it. And so, I trust that the trial will not close before I can lose this last 3.5 pounds or before my cycle starts mid-January. And, I will continue to believe that, no matter the results, there's a reason for the journey (though that may be the most difficult part if the results aren't what we hope for).

Sorry for the long and rambling post (and I'm aware that many of my posts are long, they're just not usually this all over the place...at least I hope they're not!). My thoughts are definitely a bit jumbled right now. Excitement and nerves all bundled up in my brain looking for a place to escape! And, I guess my blog was it! I'm admittedly not sure how I should feel, because right now I continue to feel like Christmas has come a bit early this year. I suspect that the true weight of this may hit me when we sign the consent, and even more so when I've got protocol in hand. But, excitement at the chance seems an appropriate feeling in this moment, so I'm going to keep riding the positive energy as long as I can!

Show & Tell: Deck the Halls

2009-12-10T09:00:00.001-06:00

It's time again for Mel's Show & Tell. When you get done here, please go check out what the rest of the class is sharing. We'd love for you to share, too!

We decorated for Christmas the week of Thanksgiving. Last year, we were technically in the house by Christmas, but all of our stuff didn't arrive from MN until a few days later. So, this was the first year that we were able to decorate for Christmas in the new house. I was so pleased with how it turned out! It's amazing what a difference a roaring fire, stockings and a tree can make to your entire mental state. It was also so wonderful to have Andy's family spend Thanksmas with us. Their stockings, and two for our dogs, Audrey and Gracie, helped to make the mantle feel full this year! The house just feels warmer, and I don't think it's the fire! :-)

I'm Not Positive

2009-12-09T09:03:00.005-06:00

The following post is brought to you by a guest blogger courtesy of Cross-Pollination Day! Keep reading to learn more!

Please excuse me for being a terrible blogger. At first, I don't post because I'm trying to be all Zen in my 2ww's and it takes too much energy to be Zen and post at the same time. Then, I don't want to post about all my possible symptoms (again) and about the resulting negative (again) and about how I'm devastated (again).

In my life, I have been a pretty glass-is-half-full kind of person. Despite the lifelong struggle with depression, I come off as and actually have been a positive person to be around, someone with a good outlook on life and uplifting thoughts for the future.

I think I'm losing that. I think I'm losing me. I hate this and everything IF has done and is doing to me. I just keep crying out, "Why?" Why is this happening? There cannot be a purpose to this pain.

I didn't need IF to love my kids. I'm certain that I'd love my children with all my heart and soul, no matter how easy their conceptions, pregnancies, and births.

I didn't need IF to love my husband. We were already tasked with going through hell. We've come out the other side and didn't need IF to know that we have a strong bond.

I didn't need IF to know my own strength. I already knew how strong I was; that I could get through anything life throws at me.

I didn't need IF to know that I have many blessings. I was and am immensely grateful for the many good thing in my life.

What IF gives me is:
LONELINESS
ANGER
JEALOUSY
GRIEF
RESENTMENT
SADNESS
RAGE

I don't hate pregnant women or women with children.

I hate IF.

I hate that I'm the last of my local IF friends to be "sans".

I hate that I have to put up with a SIL who told me that I'll be a terrible parent because I'm doing fertility treatments.

I hate that I'll never be able to tell my parents, my in-laws, and my family and friends that I'm pregnant for the first time and actually have a baby out of it.

I hate that I've been "lapped" by many IF bloggers that I read and love, never mind all those fertiles.

I hate that a possible "cure" for someone else's IF is for me to start reading their blog.

I hate that I'm thinking of taking over one of the stalls in the bathroom at work since I spend so much time there, what with OPKs and Prometrium and its aftereffects.

I hate that years are passing me by while I try to build my family.

I hate that this hasn't worked yet.

I hate this.

I hate IF.
___________________________
This was written just after I received the negative beta on our fourth ART cycle. I chose to use it for Cross-Poll, because I think we can all relate to the whirlwind of emotions surrounding IF.

Notes from Lin:
Have you guessed who the guest blogger is yet? Go to the Great Blog Cross-Pollination Page and check the list of sans bloggers. Today's guest blogger is in there somewhere.

Got your guess? Great! Then, add a comment in the comments section of this post to let everyone know who your guess is.

After you've posted with your guess, check HERE to see if you're right. Please go check out her blog! And, you can read my post for today on her blog, as well!

Hope you enjoyed today's switcharoo! Thanks to Jendeis for being my Cross-Poll buddy! Regular Programming will resume soon!

Limbo

2009-12-08T09:33:00.004-06:00

Nothing much new here, except that limbo-land is about to drive me crazy. And, this is where Hubby would get his "short drive" sarcastic jab in. We always joke that "it takes one to know one." His family's sarcastic sense of humor was so foreign to me when I first met them. Sarcasm was just not very prevalent in my family growing up. Now, I've gotten pretty good at the sarcastic responses, though. I think I learned from the best! :-)

Anyway, so...limbo-land.....
Waiting on these last five pounds (which is proving to be a bit more difficult this week).
Waiting in the 2ww.
Waiting on the IVF financing discussions.
Waiting on BFF to be induced on 12/14...Hubby's birthday, no less.
Waiting on AF which is also due on 12/14.

I'll be writing about that last one a bit more later this week, I think, because I can't seem to shake it. Back in March, the likelihood of their baby being born on Hubby's birthday was brought up as a happy occurrence. Now, it somehow just seems like an ironic, cruel reminder. And now that AF is also due on 12/14...we'll that just takes the cake!

The relationship with BFF remains strained. And, though I feel that I've done all I can and am comfortable with where we are (seasons, as it were), the pain remains, to some extent, because she is apparently much less comfortable with where we are. It's a frustrating place we find ourselves in. I don't think that we can "fix" it, though, no matter how hard we try. I think it requires time and space. I just realized that last week, though, and I don't think she's there yet. Her whole life changes next week and I think (hope) that all of this will seem a bit less serious to her after that.

So, we're just waiting here...lots of waiting. I'm not very good at waiting...or perhaps it's just the "patiently" waiting part that I'm not so good at!

Halfway There!

2009-12-07T09:21:00.002-06:00

Pounds Lost: 5
Pounds to Go: 5
(Wait a minute...You're probably thinking, "Didn't she only have 7 pounds to lose?" So I thought! But, I called the clinic to get an update on the status of the trial and now they want me to lose 10-11. So be it...I can do it!)
Amount of water per day: 4 liters (at least)
Exercise per day: 45min-1hr
Exercise equipment of choice: Stationary bike
Food plan staples: Fullbars, Sl.im-Fast (or store brands now that there's a recall), Deli turkey, Soup, and FRUIT (instead of sweets)!
Challenges this week: Christmas parties (!!) and Hubby's birthday (we usually go to The Melting Pot!!)

So, I'm halfway there and feeling good about the progress! I'm nervous about the upcoming Christmas parties, though. I'd rather have the weight gone and have to worry about maintaining or losing a errant pound then worry about losing the original weight plus an extra pound or two. I'll have to be on my very best behavior this week...and I may see if Hubby minds if we move his Melting Pot celebration to the weekend following his birthday in hopes that I can get to the clinic to sign the paperwork (and do the requisite weigh-in) next week. We'll see. This is one week I'm definitely grateful for strong incentives to help my willpower!

Hubby and I worked out some of the financial numbers last night and have a plan for the financing. We're hoping that gets confirmed by the end of the week. The sooner, the better as far as my psyche goes...I'm on pins and needles. However, we're both really beginning to feel like this IS actually happening. Hubby even said yesterday that "it was beginning to feel real" to him. We're nervous about the same things (the money, the emotional and physical toll, the chance that it doesn't work), but hope for our family trumps those things.

We spent Saturday celebrating the first birthday of friends' twin boys. I met this friend and another who was also at the party via iV message boards. In many ways they share similar stories to our own. One dealt with MFI and required ICSI. The other battled low ovarian reserve and required IVF. Despite having only known these ladies in real-life for a relatively short time, we felt that we already knew each other so well. And, it's amazing how supportive women who've already been down this path can be. I'm grateful for their insight (and yours)! And, for the hope that they give us. It's hard to not look at those handsome twin boys and not be filled with hope!

We had a wonderful weekend in almost every way!

Believing

2009-12-04T13:50:00.000-06:00

Feeling much better today...more hopeful. I'm much more able to believe that this is really happening today than I was yesterday. After our October appointment, I felt hope at first, but then quickly started to feel like we couldn't really make it happen. Since then, we've realized that this opportunity has been placed before us for a reason and we need to make the most of it. The "what ifs" if we don't at least try to work out the financial aspects, so that we can take place in the study, will likely eat us alive. At least if we try all the avenues and hit dead-ends, we will know that there is another path on the horizon that is meant for us.

I wrote a few days ago about my necklace. Even before yesterday's appointment, it was a great source of hope and support for me. Now, it is even more so. It's a constant reminder to believe...believe it's real, believe it can happen, believe in our family feeling whole again.

So, my new mission is to 1) lose the last few pounds, and 2) BELIEVE! There is wonder in positive thinking. I'm determined to harness it. I've been researching sample IVF calendars today. I found this online IVF cycle calculator that says that we may be looking at an egg retrieval as early as 3/5/10. Three months from today, we could be a few short days from our very first BFP! And, nine months away from having the ultimate gift to give thanks for...our Thanksgiving baby(ies)!

My brain struggles to imagine what the feelings that accompany those events might feel like, and yet I can see them in my minds-eye, too. I can imagine a highchair or two at our Thanksgiving table next year...a stocking or two extra on the mantle at Christmastime. As scary as it is to let go of this distance I've put between myself and those wonderful imaginings, I feel like believing that they are truly possible is of paramount importance right now.

I'm still feeling overwhelmed, nervous, even a bit scared. But, I am hopeful, and the hope is building. We are prepared to walk down this path and now it is my job to believe that it can happen...believe that the many pieces yet to fall into place will do so. Right now, believing is my biggest role to play.

My first mission is to lose 7 more pounds (annoyingly, I called the clinic today and they want me to lose a total of 10 pounds versus the 7 or 8 they said last time). Believing that we really can make this happen, and that it really can result in a baby at the end, is a key component in making that weight loss happen in the short timeframe it needs to occur.

For me, today, belief and hope win out!

Close, but Not Quite

2009-12-03T15:17:00.002-06:00

So, we have a plan...sort of. The plan is basically what it was before we went to the appointment today. IVF is our best option. He said that he's not concerned with my AMH enough that he would be against 3 months of Clomid IUIs, but he wouldn't recommend injectable IUI for us. If we do 3 months of clomid IUIs at a 3-8% chance (new ballpark based on recent SAs) without a BFP, we'd then do IVF, but the clinical trial wouldn't be available to us then. And, it turns out that the savings from the trial is more than we officially heard. Kind of becomes a no-brainer at that point, I guess.

The big frustration is that they can't tell us how much it will cost until after January 1 (when my new insurance takes affect). We're 99.9% sure that we can make this work, but it's hard to know for sure until we really know the cost. So, we almost have a plan...but not quite.

I'd like to try to get a general understanding of how much the meds will cost. They told us to ballpark $3-4k without insurance. With my insurance, we're looking at closer to $1,500, but I can't make the math work out to $3k to begin with based on the Freedom Pharmacy phamphlet they gave us. What am I missing? (I should say that I don't have any actual protocol yet, so I'm just trying to get a better understanding of the meds and general costs.)

All in all, I'm excited and I do feel much closer now that I've calmed down a bit from the initial frustration. But, I'm still feeling monumentally overwhelmed by the financial pieces, especially since we can't get answers on that for another 30 days or so.

Today is "Plan Day!!"

2009-12-03T10:14:00.000-06:00

Well, hopefully it is, anyway...

We go back to the RE today after our month of diagnostics. In my mind this day is "Plan Day," the day we walk out of the RE's office knowing what treatment(s) lay before us. My brain needs this plan so that it can obsess about only one path. However, I think that my soul is already prepared and aware of the path we're meant to take.

It is my hope that we've done enough research, educated ourselves enough and talked about this enough that when Dr. K gives us his opinion on our best odds, we're ready to take it. I feel that the appointment could go one of a few ways:
1) Dr. K comes up with more tests for us to do that spill over into December. This only equals more waiting. This is bad (for my psyche, anyway).

2) Dr. K sees something in the results that isn't inherently obvious to us (after all, the SA results from early November were not in the IUI range he discussed with us in October...and he cancelled the second SA later in the month) and encourages us to start with IUI. Theoretically, we could leave the office with an IUI on the books for January. But, this would take quite a good sales pitch for Hubby to go for it. He's pretty anti-IUI at this point; wants to put our effort, money and emotion where we'll have the highest odds of success.

3a) Dr. K confirms what we've suspected for awhile now, IVF w/ ICSI is our best chance. By some miracle (seriously, because based on my scale I have another 3 pounds to go), I've dropped the remaining few pounds I need to qualify for the IBSA clinical trial and we officially enroll for IVF #1 in January or February.

3b) Dr. K confirms IVF as the best route. I'm still a few pounds away from the IBSA requirement, so I keep chugging Slim-Fast, eating sensible meals and exercising like crazy. We have more time to talk this out...more time for me to obsess about the money...and more time for me to drive Hubby crazy. Sometime next week, I go in for the "official weigh-in" and the IVF ball starts rolling.

Of these choices, I'd say that I think that 3a or 3b are most likely. So, given that we feel pretty strongly right now about moving on to IVF and focusing our efforts on best case chances, I've been struggling a bit with perception.

I know that there are many (some that I've talked about here before) that might say that we're moving too fast....that we should start with IUI or just be more patient. Often these are the people who have never experienced this island, but it doesn't seem to hurt any less when they say it. We have thought (actually, I have probably obsessed) about starting with IUI just to check that box and say we did it...just to be sure that it wouldn't be all we need. We've also thought about the emotional toll of thinking that we had a real shot, when it really wasn't much more of one (Dr. K told us last time that he gave us less than 7% odds of a Clomid IUI working for us...and an injectable IUI seems risky with my AMH numbers if we're going to end up at IVF soon anyway). And, then there's the fact that we'd be spending the money we're saving for IVF on an IUI with much lower odds.

We're also in the extremely fortunate position to have access to the clinical trial (which includes a discount), health insurance (which covers 50%) and Hubby's HRA (which covers the rest). In the end, we will owe very little...the problem, of course, is with fronting the large sum at the beginning, but that's where all the blessings of last week come in. The availability of the reimbursements, and lack of debt at the end, is quite a blessing in itself.

Since we were "lucky" enough to have known long before we were TTC that there would likely be a problem...And, "luckier" still to have known from 5 months in that there really was, in fact, a big problem, we've both had awhile to come to terms with the need for ART. Likewise, we've had enough doctors tell us that the odds of us needing IVF were high, that we've had time to accept that likelihood.

I took a stroll through the Stirrup Queen's blogroll yesterday...the MFI room, in particular. Have you ever noticed how many of the MFI bloggers now currently pregnant or parenting got there through ICSI? Or, how many of the still TTC'ers are currently doing or nearly pursuing ICSI? When we got the first SA results back, I took a stroll through the blogroll and remember being grief-stricken at how many ICSI's I saw (though, hope-filled by the number of ICSI BFPs). I still held onto the notion of natural conception back then. I've since let that go (not the hurt at the loss of it, yet, but the idea). We go through the motions every month because miracles happen...but, my soul seems to know that our baby will join our family through a slightly different path. And, I also believe that amazing opportunities and blessings find you when they're meant to find you.

So, here we sit at this crossroads today where we finally begin to walk down that path. Diagnostic poking and prodding moved aside, we embark on whatever plan has always been laid out in front of us. It took us time to find it, but it was always there. And, in our heart and soul, we both always knew this was the path meant for us. I think that's why, despite the fact that our journey is sometimes comparatively short, we are comfortable...scared and overwhelmed by the process, the money, the possibility of more BFNs, but nonetheless sure that it is the path we're meant to be on.

I hope that after today, the specifics of that path become much more clear. I also hope that there is understanding, from those that (secretly or not so secretly) hold those views, that the path we're on is the path we were always meant to be on. And finally, but definitely not least, I hope that I can learn to care less about what these "other" people think!

I will update this afternoon...

Show & Tell: Wishes

2009-12-02T18:41:00.002-06:00

It's been awhile since I've stepped to the head of the class to share. This week, though, I had a tough time choosing between things to share, so I'm set for at least a couple weeks! Glad to be back and looking forward to sharing and reading with all of you. Please, don't be shy...surely you can find something to share with the class over at Mel's, too!

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I've always known that I had wonderful in-laws. Long before I was truly family, they treated me like the daughter they never had (Hubby's side seems to have a genetic predisposition for boys!). I've spent almost every Thanksgiving with Hubby's family since we started dating. This year was no exception, though it was the first time I hosted the festivities. At the end of the long holiday weekend, my mother-in-law surprised me with a gift (as if they hadn't already given enough!)...she said it was a gift for being such a wonderful hostess on my first Thanksgiving "running the show." I opened the beautiful golden box to find this, as MIL hugged me and said that they'd be wishing everyday, too:

This beautiful little necklace says so much.."the more you believe, the closer you'll be...peace and trust."

You all know what my wish is. Peace on the journey, trust in the path, hope that our wishes for a baby will come true...these are the things I'm reminded of each time I put this necklace on. There's one more thing that the necklace brings me each day...a reminder that we're not the only ones wishing. I have taken comfort in these sentiments every morning since and will continue to do so until our wish becomes a reality.

Moments of Clarity

2009-12-01T10:56:00.002-06:00

Many of you who have been following my blog for awhile know that I've been struggling with my relationship with my oldest and dearest friend, BFF, who also happens to be nine months pregnant. I've always considered her to be the sister I never had...one of the few friends I've known that transcended the term. Over the course of the last nine months, though, I've come to realize many things about our relationship, in particular, and the dicey nature of pregnant and IF relationships, in general.

Up until this week, my realization has been that both IF and pregnancy are rather all consuming. Sometimes people can't appreciate anything outside the particular bubble that their in. That’s often the case with the friendships between those who have moved on to motherhood and those that remain left behind on the IF island.

It sort of feels like boats leaving for the mainland sometimes, as more and more IRL friends move off the island and on to "the rest" of whatever is next. I'll admit that it's a hard feeling for me to process. And, that the things I have spoken over the last nine months have not always been perfect. Likewise, I imagine it's particularly difficult for those on the boats, especially those who never had to stay a day on the IF island, to relate. I get that and it explains it all, to a point.

Looking back, though, I realize that BFF has never done a particular good job of walking in other people shoes. It's just her nature, I suppose. It's a personality flaw that she struggles with, just as we all do our own. That's not to say that she hasn't been an awesome, amazing friend over these many years. God put her in my life for other reasons (and moments) and I'm grateful for her. She will always be my oldest and dearest friend. And, when this storm passes, I'm sure we'll seek out a new "normal" and move on to make new, more friendly (and less painful) memories.

However, my moment of clarity this week has been the realization that I've been avoiding the obvious. That old saying "God puts the right people in our lives at just the right times” feels particularly poignant this week. I finally understand it thanks to the contrast of BFF and our other very dear friends A & K.

A & K spent Thanksgiving Day with us. It was amazing to me, yet again, how spending time with these friends came more effortlessly than with BFF. Perhaps it was because they had spent quite awhile on the IF island having suffered many miscarriages before E was born. Somehow they understood what we were feeling without us even saying a word. When K realized that I had recently taken to calling the room I had always called the nursery "the purple room" instead, she just nodded and said ”We've been there, too," in a quiet, reassuring way. They've been there, found a way to the other side, and are now beginning to cotemplate a second trip to the island. Not only that, but they're willing to do all they can to help us get off the island, too.

These are the kind of things that I could beat my head against a wall for days trying to get BFF to understand. She still wouldn't, and would likely end up just silently rolling her eyes or thinking through her own nursery plans in her head. She would likely be worried about me...that I was obsessing again. Why couldn't I just be patient and wait for it to just "all work out?" As if it were that easy...but, it didn't matter how many times I said that to BFF. Her ship had long ago sailed off the island and she had no concept of what it might be like to still be there.

Not only does God put the right people in our lives at just the right time, he puts them there for just the right moments, too. I now realize that I was probably never meant to help BFF understand even an inkling of what this IF world is like. She's not the one who God put in our life to share this particular journey. I've fought against that reality for nine months. It's a hard thing for me to accept. I don't know how to disconnect from her in bits and pieces like that. It's recently felt sort of all or nothing because I just don't know how to leave the IF part out…I guess because it’s such an all consuming part of where I am at the moment.

But, now I realize that God put other wonderful friends in our lives long ago so that they could be our beacons now. No one person can be all things to another. And, that's ok. I've struggled just as much with the idea that I couldn't be the friend BFF needed me to be as that she wasn't being the one I needed. Now I see that I'm not that person for her right now either. That's an equally difficult struggle, but I just have to trust that when Hubby and I make it to the other side it will become clearer.

In the meantime, I see both that relationship and the others in my life (A & K, supportive coworkers, iV friends, and bloggie friends) in an entirely different light. I normally have a small, tight-knit group of close friends. At this moment, however, I have an extremely large, supportive group of friends at various levels of closeness. Some of the people that I once held close, I now hold a bit further back. And, others are closer than I ever imagined. It's a bit of a departure for me, but one that I welcome and appreciate so much right now. More than that, though, I am learning (slow but sure) to trust that it's all according to plan

Beyond

2009-11-30T20:02:00.001-06:00

Thanksgiving Day began like any other, with a flurry of cooking and conversation. Around noon, we found a break in the action between the turkey baking and the sweet potato marshmallows browning to exchange gifts since we wouldn't see Hubby's family over Christmas. It was here that things took a turn toward all things "beyond."

Hubby and I had chosen smaller-than-usual, but meaningful gifts for each of them. I've been known to go a bit overboard with Christmas gifts in the past, but I'm determined to stick to the budget this year as we prepare for whatever next year brings us. Luckily, both families understand. And, of course, sometimes the thought that went into the gift makes the difference anyway. Other times, both the thought, and the gift itself, blow you away. That was how we felt when we opened the ILs gift to us...a check that will cover a good chunk of the differential where my and our HRA leave off. We were beyond grateful.

A little while after the gift exchange, our dear friends and their three-year-old daughter, E, joined us for Thanksgiving dinner. They are very much like family to us, and proving to be even more so all the time! So much so, that we've wholeheartedly and humbly agreed to raise E as our own if something were ever to happen to them. They are wonderful, genuine and generous. They also have been down the IF road before and just "get it." Sometimes, often actually, we don't even have to say what we're feeling for them to understand. In fact, it almost feels more like a brother (to Hubby) and SIL relationship than "just" friends. "Friends" just isn't descriptive enough. They have always and continue to go beyond that.

As is usual when they come to visit, Hubby and A stepped out to the patio to smoke a cigar (or two). During that conversation, A asked how things were going on the fertility front. Hubby gave him the update that we're heading towards IUI or IVF early next year and that all signs point to IVF. He said that we were just trying to get a few more of our "financial ducks in a row" before we moved on to IVF.

It was next statement that left us beyond words for the second time that day. They offered to loan us the difference where the insurance and HRA left off. There was no sales pitch, no "ask" from us. It was entirely unsolicited. It's one thing to ask parents, another altogether to ask friends. Likewise, that minor detail makes the offer that much more amazing and humbling. I'm still shocked, amazed, humbled, just truly beyond words at the generosity of our friends and family. If their offer never comes to fruition...if it turns out to be too good to be true, or if we turn out not even to need and/or take it, that's okay. In this case, the offer speaks volumes and that generosity will never be forgotten.

By Thanksgiving night, we were once again heading towards the IVF clinical trial, that we had previously written off for not being financially feasible quite yet, and hopeful that this time next year there might be another little somebody at the Thanksgiving table, albeit in utero. It is for the shared hope that the gifts represent, more than the gifts themselves, that I remain beyond thankful....thankful for the hope, the friends, the family, the blessing, and beyond.

Nutshell Thanksgiving

2009-11-30T10:12:00.000-06:00

I'm not even sure where to start with recapping our Thanksgiving week. It was amazing in so many ways! We actually did Christmas with Hubby's family last week, too, so we took to calling it Thanksmas. We decorated the house for Christmas a bit early this year to surprise MIL. Despite the early date, the Christmas Spirit was alive and well at our house, and it wasn't just because of the decorations (though, I'm getting ahead of myself now).

Our pre-Thanksgiving festivities on Wednesday included excellent results from our DNA Fragmentation testing! What a wonderful way to start the holiday!

The rest of the week was filled with wonderful family, amazing friends, great food and some good shopping. I came out of the week with renewed hope and a full heart. I'm going to stop now because the big news of the week deserves its own post or two.

I will say this, though...God has blessed us with amazing friends and family. I am awed by them and Him. What seemed far a few days ago now seems very near. I am thankful...actually, thankful doesn't even begin to cover it...for those we love and who love us.

SA #5 (Updated!)

2009-11-25T09:20:00.003-06:00

Update: The DNA Fragmentation came back at 12%! That's apparently "exceptional" according to both the RE and the resources many of your provided (thanks for those, by the way!). Yay for something about the swimmers being a-ok! So, that's the good news. The bad news is that they ended up not running counts, motility or morphology, much to my dismay. We had even specifically requested it after the confusion at the lab that morning. They still decided not to run them. Not too happy about that miscommunication/misunderstanding. But, very pleased about the DNA Fragmentation results. RE f/u in 4 days!

I hate SA days. Hate is a strong word, but I think it fits. DH prefers to do his "collection" at home rather than at "the room." And, he prefers to do it without help. Only once have we had "technical difficulties" that required a reschedule. Nonetheless, I head off to work on the morning of SAs full of anxiety about misjudged distances and the like. Then, there's the waiting for results...

I'm happy to say that there were not any technical difficulties. The sample is safely at the RE's office this morning. I expected for Hubby to call with count and motility numbers like last time (the DNA fragmentation and morphology will take longer). No dice. They didn't give him the numbers and it was Hubby's understanding that they were really just focusing on the morphology and DNA fragmentation. The sample intake form clearly states that we're paying for DNA fragmentation with full sperm analysis. We had to pay $25 extra for the morphology. Though I don't understand what part of "full sperm analysis" doesn't include morphology, I'm fine with the extra $25. It's worth it to know if we're sticking near 2%, or if 2% was a fluke. Hubby made a good decision there.

Then, the RE's office called back to say that we already had morphology done, so we didn't need another one. WTF? Thankfully, Hubby made another good decision by saying that we'd like to go ahead and have it run anyway. Whew! Point for the Hubby; Fumble for the RE! Seriously...

So, I'm not sure if we'll be getting count and motility later in the day when they call with the DNA fragmentation results...or not. And, I'm not sure if morphology will come then or seven days later, like last time. I'm confused. And, I don't like being confused on SA days (or in general, really); they're crappy enough as it is. Yep, I still hate SA days!

Request: Can anyone point me in the direction of good information on this DNA fragmentation test? I want to have an idea of what to expect when they call with the results. Thanks!

Thanksgiving Recipe Swap!

2009-11-24T10:19:00.001-06:00

It's that time of year...friends and family gathered around a table sharing memories and breaking bread together. Oh, and we mustn't forget the copious amounts of Thanksgiving staples piled high on that table. So, the SassyIF Lady and Stirrup Queens' posts this week got me thinking...what are your Thanksging staples? And, what recipes would you like to share?

Here's what will be on theThanksgiving table at my house this week:

Appetizers: (Feel free to share your quick and easy recipes here...I need a couple more!)
White Bean Dip with Pita Chips and Veggies (I add lots of lemon to this recipe)

Main Course:
Roasted Turkey with Citrus Rosemary Salt
Brown Sugar Spiral-Sliced Ham (the result of a family dispute...silly boys!)

Sides:
Mashed Potatoes with Carmelized Onions
Sweet Potatoes with crispy marshmallow crust
Cranberry Jell-o Mold with fresh fruit
Stuffing
Green Bean Casserole
Rolls

Desserts:
Spicy Pumpkin Pie
Ooey Gooey Chocolate Butter Cake
Cranberry Chiffon Pie

And, while this one isn't for our Thanksgiving table, it certainly could be! I made it for my coworkers today and it was a big hit.
Pumpkin Gingerbread Trifle

See anything were missing? See a recipe you'd like?

Now, here's my entry for the recipe swap...my MIL's Spicy Pumpkin Pie. It's no ordinary pumpkin pie. It's got that perfect combination of sweet cinnamon and spicy ginger, allspice, cloves and nutmeg. I'm a pumpkin pie fanatic this time of year and this recipe has become the tried-and-true, "classic with a touch of spice" pie that everyone requests at our Thanksgiving table. Enjoy!

MIL's Spicy Pumpkin Pie
1 9-inch unbaked pie crust

1 16-ounce can pumpkin
1 13-ounce can evaporated milk
2 eggs
1/2 C. packed brown sugar
1/2 C. sugar
1-1/2 tsps. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. ginger
1/2 tsp. nutmeg
1/2 tsp. allspice
1/2 tsp. ground cloves
1/2 tsp. salt

Preheat oven to 425 degrees

In large bowl, with mixer at medium speed, beat pumpkin with remaining ingredients until well mixed. Place pie plate on oven rack. Pour pumpkin mixture into pie crust; bake 15 minutes; turn oven to 350 degrees and bake 35 minutes more or until filling is set (knife inserted in middle comes out clean. (I always cover the crust with foil during baking because it usually gets too brown. If you are doing this without crust, no problemo!) Cool and serve topped with Cool Whip or whipped cream.

Share your special, must-have recipes (be they traditional, or not) either here, or on your blog!

No Vacancy

2009-11-23T14:08:00.001-06:00

There’s apparently no room left in my “emotional spaces” for much else other than IF. My brain is constantly worrying about the “what if’s” and “what next’s;” my heart aches at the sight I wasn't aware of just how much space that "stuff" was taking up until last week. And, even more troubling, I don't exactly know what the "stuff" is.

For example, take last week's job application/interview experience. I had that overwhelming dread about another "guaranteed" no. Another example from last week...on Sunday night, before the job craziness started, I got an e-mail from BFF. For her birthday in September, Hubby and I had given her a giftcard from a local photographer for maternity pictures. Her Sunday night e-mail contained a link to 232 maternity pictures and a request that I look through them and let her know which ones I liked.

Even before the stress of last week unfolded, I knew that I needed to be at a certain emotional place to look through 232 maternity pictures...especially considering the somewhat precarious nature of our relationship at the moment. I thought I'd be able to find that special mental place at some point on Monday. I didn't really want to end the weekend on a sour note if I wasn’t able to keep it together. Of course, that plan was short-lived because on Monday the job craziness ensued. And, after that, I knew I didn't have the emotional space left over to be reminded of our IF while clicking through 232 screenshots.

I mentioned this to my mom and another trusted friend. My mom suggested that I take all the time I needed, 232 was a lot and it was a tough situation to be in. Trusted Friend said that I should get my mom to tell me her favorites and pass those along to BFF saving myself the emotion of looking through them at all. It wasn't a terrible idea. Not terrible, that is, except for the fact that I want to look at them. I want to be there in that joyful moment...to be able to put my "IF" stuff on the shelf and just be a "good friend."

I still haven't looked at the pictures, even though the stress from last week has lifted and there should be more emotional space available. I just can't bring myself to look. I sent her a note last week saying that I hadn't forgotten with a brief synopsis of the week's craziness. And, I said that what was really important to me was that she was happy. Which ones were her favorites? I never heard back.

So, what is this "stuff" that fills my emotional spaces to the point that they can no longer deal so well with the normal (or somewhat abnormal) stress of daily life? It frustrates me that I know that this IF "stuff" takes so much room, but I don't even know what it really is. I want to name it, categorize it, process it and put it away in the emotional archives. There's nothing to archive yet, though. It's too raw, too in the moment.

And, the truth, I guess, is that it's no one thing. No singular feeling or fear that can simply be named and put away. It's some mix of sadness, frustration, jealously, anger, fear and so many other emotions, on so many different levels, all rolled up into a giant ball so big that it leaves so little room for anything else.

The result is that I feel more emotionally fragile now than I have at any other point in my memory, despite the fact that some of the other moments that would make the top 10 list were much easier to categorize. Perhaps it's that unclassifiable nature that's the issue. IF seems to grow and spread like a virus...literally taking over any unaffected emotional spaces until all that's left in my heart, soul and mind is that IF "stuff." It's no wonder that there's seemingly no room left for any extra stress. IF has put up its very own "No Vacancy" sign so that it can infiltrate without interruption.

Giving Thanks for the Weekend (and ICLW)!

2009-11-22T11:50:00.000-06:00

Well, thankfully, the weekend finally game...and, even better, I SURVIVED! This was one of the toughest weeks I've had in awhile. And, while the vast majority of the stressful things this week were non-IF related, I was stunned at how much IF crept it's way in.

The biggest stressor of this week was the whole job interview craziness. Besides the fact that everyone already knew who would get the job, it really was a great opportunity for me to get some face time with the VP and just all around good experience. I knew that from the beginning. When I really dug deep to figure out why I was so opposed to applying for the exposure and good experience, despite knowin ghow it would end, it came down to IF, in a roundabout sort of way.

In our TTC/IF world, we're almost guaranteed a "no" every month. That roller coaster of emotions is taxing enough, even when you know how it's going to end. So, here I was in a similar, yet entirely different situation, and I didn't know if I could sign up for yet another guaranteed "no". I just didn't know if there was enough emotional space leftover where the IF left off.

In the end, I'm glad I applied and went through the charade. It was a worthwhile experience, even though I still have no doubt that M will get the job. I'm ok with it. And, I even ended up decide to go see Twilight on Thursday night after all! Adrenaline kept me going all day until after the interview. It was a win-win, in the end.

Should find out, officially, which of us got the job early next week. Not that it will be a surprise, but at least I won't have to wonder, even a little bit, over the Thanksgiving holiday. As much as last week was awful with all the stress and drama, at least it was ultimately short-lived!

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So, this week, I'm thankful for this weekend to regroup and the Thanksgiving weekend to reconnect with family! I'm also thankful for all of you, my ICLW friends. How lucky we are that ICLW falls on Thanksgiving week! Very fitting, if you ask me!

The first half of this post has a very good intro on our story. And, here's the quick recap on what's happened since then. We've seen slight improvements in Hubby's morphology (from 0% to 2%), but the overall, everything is still pretty low. All of our bloodwork is done, including my AMH results that show borderline normal ovarian reserve. I had a hysteroscopy that revealed a uterus that would (hopefully) accept an ET wonderfully. Next up, and the last (hopefully) of the diagnostics is Hubby's 5th SA which will include DNA fragmentation testing on 11/25. Last time it took seven (!) days to get morphology results back from the lab. I'm really hoping it doesn't take that long this time, but just in case, I scheduled our follow-up consultation at the RE for 12/3.

My hope is that we'll have an official treatment plan as of a week from Thanksgiving! I'll be giving thanks for that, as well! I'm beyond ready to finally feel like we have a shot at this. We're planning on starting with some IUI cycles, despite the odds, while we save up for an IVF clinical trial that will hopefully be happening at our clinic later in 2010.

So, that's our story. Thank you for stopping by! I truly am thankful for all of you and I'm looking forward to reading all of your stories over the next few days!

Not that Show

2009-11-19T11:55:00.001-06:00

You know that show on VH1 "Best Week Ever?" My week does not qualify! I'll forewarn you that this is a rather ranting/raging post, so feel free to just speed read to the end...or even ignore, that would befit my week!

Remember how last week I found out that my position was being realigned? Well, my department was hiring a manager for that new team I will be on. And, the job was only posted internal to my department. The manager job is so "me." It's everything I've been aspiring to...a very exciting opportunity. A few minor details, however. 1) The VP had already started giving many of the parts of the new job to another manager in the department (while still preaching that everyone has an equal shot). 2) Privately, I can't help but wonder if it's not really six months to a year to early for me, experience-wise, anyway.

So, I had decided that I was not going to apply. I would just be a happy player on New Manager's bench until the next great opportunity came along, but then I would be ready. Easy enough. Made great sense. And then, yet another person (about the fourth) asked me if I was going to apply. And, my director said that they had made a special exception on the 1-year at the company rule so that I could apply. Then, my family really started encouraging me to apply. All the while, I knew the score. I was applying for a losing battle. Nonetheless, I was ~~stupid~~ brave enough to apply.

And, every day since I applied and the position closed on Monday has been more and more reminders of why I have no chance. The VP has continued to give her new tasks that our on the New Manager's list of tasks. How can I possibly compete with someone who is already doing the job? And, why on earth do the act like everyone has a fair shot at it when clearly we/I don't? I feel like the employee relations fall girl...the "check the box," we had two people apply so that it didn't just look like we were giving the to a specific person. Oh, and the best part is that part of New Manager's role is to be the spokesperson for the department. The other candidate, the one they've all but promised it to, is the most negative, close-minded, cynical person in the whole department. Perfect for a spokeswoman, don't you think?

So, I'm busy working away on a strategic plan for the new department, that I won't be leading, for the interview tomorrow. I'll likely still be working on that tonight before the interview tomorrow. Two months ago, a friend and I bought tickets to see Twilight tonight. Looks like no more Twilight for me...

And, to top it all off...the cherry on top of this ridiculously awful week? BFF posted this to FB today:

Shout out to all the new mommies around me! Dianne, Bryn, Katie and Jennie! And those to come! Michelle, Leann, Josie and Sasha! Looking forward to some great memories :-)

Maybe it's just the incredibly foul mood I'm in (think the fact that I'm on CD4 might have something to do with that), but that post strikes me as ridiculous. Or maybe it's just that I can't relate to what it must be like to be pregnant and surrounded by wonderfully happy pregnant and/or new moms.

Is this week over yet? I think I'm about to start waving the white flag on this week...

Call Me Crazy...

2009-11-16T20:00:00.002-06:00

...but, does anyone else see what I see:

My grandma called over the weekend to see what we wanted for Christmas. We could really use a new set of flatware, because the spoons in our current set have gone to war with the garbage disposal (and lost) one too many times. So, I was looking online at flatware sets just to get an idea of what the options were. Then, I came across this set. It's called "Twirl." I was literally LOL and ROFL and LMAO at the sight of them. Clearly I spend too much time thinking about the swimmers...sheesh!

Not quite with me yet? Does this help?

Sorry in advance to anyone reading this post who may own that flatware set!!

Photos courtesy of Bed Bath & Beyond and krishnaivf.com

Hoping vs. Waiting

2009-11-15T20:00:00.002-06:00

Part of my pre-op bloodwork on Thursday was an HCG because I was on CD25 and 10DPO. Right before the hysteroscopy last Friday, the nurse made a point to say that my HCG had come back negative. I just laughed. It wasn't a surprise. Still, it sucks to know that already, as I sit around waiting for AF to come in the next few days with no hope of a BFP. This is exactly why I don't early test.

Even though the 2WW can drive me crazy, it's also still the most hopeful part of every cycle for me. Despite the odds, for two weeks out of every month, I could be pregnant. I don't early test because seeing AF for the 209th time in my life is a lot easier than seeing the stark white HPT staring back at me. I've gotten used to AF's arrival month after month for 17 years (granted, for 16 of those I didn't much mind). I don't ever want to get used to seeing bright white HPTs. I'd rather just wait...and hope against the odds.

This cycle, though, there's no more hoping...only waiting.

Elephants

2009-11-14T20:38:00.000-06:00

I went to a jewelry party one of the girls from last week's party was hosting. I had some concerns, but ultimately I enjoyed hanging out with these women, so I decided that I wasn't going to let the IF issues get in the way of making new friends. I don't regret going, but the wall that IF seemingly causes between us and everyone else only became more clear after tonight.

For starters, this house was decorated to the nines. It looked like a house you'd see on tv. It was absolutely beautiful! And, this couple was about our age. I try to decorate, but there are two problems. First of all, I'm indecisive when it comes to decorative accents. Second, and more importantly, decorating is low on the list of priorities right now. It used to be that we weren't decorating because we were buying furniture. Now, we're waiting to decorate because I'd much rather save money for potential IUIs or IVF than buy a picture for the wall. Don't get me wrong...I love our house, but decorating-wise, it's a little bare bones. Meanwhile, this couple had managed to decorate to the hilt and have a five-month-old.

But, it wasn't just her. In fact, most of the women at the party were my age. Of them, I was the only one who either wasn't pregnant or didn't have a baby already (many at the party also had babies in tow). I found myself struggling to relate to these women even though I also felt like we should be fast friends.

I ended up not buying anything at the jewelry party because I just couldn't justify paying $30 on a pair of earrings I might only wear a few times while the money and IF situations are what they are. But, I also felt guilty for not buying...I wanted to clear the air, to explain that we were saving for IVF...to explain that we were having trouble conceiving as a way to excuse any not-quite-right reactions to babies and/or moms that I might have unknowingly made. Most of all, I wanted to explain away the white elephant in the room...except, of course, that I was the only one who had even the faintest idea that he was there.

Up until now, my experiences with the IF wall have been with singular relationships (namely BFF, or preggo boss). This was one of the first times that I experienced it in a large group and really felt like the odd woman out. It was the strangest feeling, like I could feel the bricks going up one-at-a-time between us. I looked around and saw all these women my age, some younger, in this beautiful house and I felt that fast forward feeling again. I'm now acutely aware that we're being left behind, despite the fact that I also know that this is the path we're supposed to be on.

Perfect Uterus!

2009-11-13T16:56:00.000-06:00

...now we just have to figure out how to get a baby or two in there!!!

Cross the hysteroscopy off the list. We're one step closer to whatever treatments are coming our way. Dr. K said that my uterus looked perfect and, if we go that route, he should have no problem doing the transfer.

The RE has a surgery center right at the clinic. And, the surgery staff really did renew my faith in the entire RE's office. They were absolutely wonderful!

On that note, I told Hubby about my concerns with the office, but between him talking me into staying and the surgery experience today, we're going to hang on a bit longer. Hubby reminded me that, while it's a little further from home (though he showed me a shortcut on that today, too), it's closer to work which will be hand for lunchtime monitoring appointments. He's also resistent to switching because he doesn't want to get the "we need an SA from our own lab" speech again, especially if we're just going to switch back in a few months time. So, for now, the RE's office should consider themselves on warning, but we're not going anywhere.

I was feeling really good in the recovery area, like suprisingly good! About the time we were getting home, though, I definitely started to feel the anesthesia after effects. Four hours later, I woke up and am feeling pretty much fine now! This was so much easier than the recovery after my laparoscopy in March!

Sorry this post was a bit all over the place...we'll blame that on the anesthesia, too! ;-) Here's a pic and a chuckle to end this post...my colorful toe socks were a big hit at the surgery center today! They said bring warm socks and these were the warmest I had. Plus, they make me (and apparently everyone else) smile!

Mostly Uneventful Pre-Op

2009-11-12T13:35:00.000-06:00

Just got back from my pre-op for tomorrow's hysteroscopy. It was uneventful, except that they took more blood. I'm beginning to realize this is just part of going to the RE...if they can draw your blood, they probably will! I think I'll be a pro at this by the time we're done! In fact, after I got back from my first RE appointment where they had taken 8 large vials, I was talking to my preggo boss about it and she said, "Oh, just wait until you get pregnant, you'll be a pin cushion." I laughed and assured her that I'd likely be a pin cushion long before that!

I know that my body doesn't like anesthesia very much, so I expect to be pretty groggy and weak for until at least sometime Saturday. Should be a relaxing, recuperating weekend and then back to the grind on Monday. Next up is the 11/25 SA followed by a yet to be scheduled follow-up, "finally get the plan" appointment, which should be sometime in early December.

Meanwhile, I'm contemplating changing REs. Yes, I'm ridiculous, but here's why. The only reason we picked this clinic was because of the clinical trial(s). We're passing up the current trial and the next trial isn't slated to start until second quarter, at the earliest. I think I've probably said before that I'm willing to cut this clinic a lot of slack because I know that, if we can do a trial, it will be so much cheaper. That said, if we know we're not doing the trial now, we can find a good RE closer to home who's IUIs are a bit cheaper.

More than that, though, I just don't know that I'm pleased with the "feel" of this clinic. The nurses are wonderful, for the most part, and Dr. K is very knowledgeable with an "ok to good" bedside manner...but, everyone else is sort of non-responsive. In the beginning, I had to reschedule my initial consult, so I called the new patient coordinator and left a message asking her to call me back. After waiting four days, I finally asked the front desk if they could reschedule it instead. Luckily, they did. At the initial consult, there were some things that left me less than pleased after our discussion with the billing specialist (unanswered questions after repeated attempts to get them answered). More recently, I realized that I didn't know what time my hysteroscopy was scheduled for, so I called the surgery coordinator and left her a message. Never heard back.

Those kinds of things are unacceptable to me. The nurses and doctor are great, but if the team isn't strong, the patient experience isn't either. So, I'm just wondering...if we change to a smaller clinic, closer to home until the next trial starts if it will be worth it. Or, more trouble than it's worth for just 6 months or so.

My brain is always contemplating something...

Thankful

2009-11-11T16:42:00.001-06:00

You might notice that there are some format changes happening here today. I've been wanting to switch over to a three-column format for awhile because I was accumulating more and more buttons for the sidebar. I couldn't ever find easy enough to understand instructions, though (on that note, I highly recommend Three Column Blogger for help with the transition). What finally pushed me over the edge?

Well, for starters, I've noticed that the tone of my posts lately have been a little bleak. The tone here definitely ties to my real-life tone and I could use a bit of an attitude adjustment, I think. In the spirit of Veteran's Day and with Thanksgiving nearly upon us, I wanted to add a sidebar gadget about "What I'm thankful for today..." I think that by thinking about that everyday (and writing it here), I'll be more inclined to see the good all around me, rather than just the not-so-good IF stuff.

So, check out the top right sidebar gadget each day to see "what I'm thankful for today." And, feel free to join in, either in the comments, or with your own sidebar gadget.

Reality Sets In

2009-11-11T08:00:00.001-06:00

I'm pretty sure we've been living in a dream world. Or, I have anyay...and Hubby? Well, he's been living in a "don't won't to hurt her feelings, just want her to be happy...at any cost" world.

I think it's a symptom of Hubby's depression; he often spends money and/or avoids dealing with money situations when he's feeling particularly bad. In reality, I've known that for awhile, but I trusted that he could handle it. That was my dream world. I should have been more involved from the beginning. And, even though, we often talk about a more team approach, we relatively quickly end up retreating to our comfortable roles instead. Now, I even wonder if we should abandon the team approach to our finances and just have me be the point person (and idea rhat really scares me).

We should be older and wiser by now. We should have figured all of this out before now. We've been at the brink before and managed to survive, but I can't say we came out unscathed. However, the sad part is that apparently we never learned the right lessons. So, sure we were trying to sell our house for 17 months and did a massive cross-country move last year. I guess, some financial unrest would be understandable. And, if it had all started there, it would be one thing. But, the problems are old...and we don't appear to be any wiser. I guess the first part of our path to wisdom is admitting that there's a problem. But, beyond that, we're definitely not any wiser yet.

How does this all relate to IF? As you might imagine, despite Hubby's glowing reassurances that we'd find a way to pay for the IVF trial if it was what I wanted to do (and don't even get me started on that choice of words), the truth is that we can't. Or, that we'd be crazy to, to be more accurate. I'm not against a natural IUI in January/February (thanks to my new treatment insurance for next year), but anything beyond that seems ill-advised at the moment (and even that seems less than wise, except for the emotional gain of feeling like we've got a few more percentage points chance that month).

We've got to figure out how to dig out of this whole we've created for ourselves first. When it comes our finances, I'm generally over-pessimistic, but Hubby is WAY over-optimistic. The fact is that despite his reassurances, I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel, at least not any time soon. Hopefully it's not really as bad as all that, but we certainly are way overdue for learning some valuable spending and budgeting lessons.

So, I'm not sure where this really leaves us treatment-wise. We're moving ahead with my hysteroscopy on Friday. I suspect that the 5th SA and follow-up with the RE are all still on, as well. But, beyond that (and maybe some natural IUIs), we may have to hold off for a bit. I'm just not sure if "a bit" is a month or two...or more. And, I really dislike that unknown.

It's a precarious balance..."all the ducks in a row before the babymaking begins." Or, "start the family and the rest will follow." I'm just not sure what that balance looks like for us anymore.

The 2% Moved my Cheese

2009-11-10T10:42:00.000-06:00

An update on my slightly tipsy Saturday night post...I woke up Sunday morning with barely a headache. I think I just felt a bit worse than I really was because I didn't have much food the last hour or so. All in all, it was a fun, well worth it, time!

Tying up lose ends from last week, we FINALLY got the morphology results! As the title suggests, it was 2% normally shaped. As the lab technician so eloquently put it "that's still abnormal," but it's our best yet. We're now leaning towards some IUIs early next year before moving on to IVF. Improving morph is one reason, finances are another, but I'll save that for a different post.

Finally, you'll recall that I was expecting some news on "exciting updates" at work yesterday. Well, it was about what I figured. My job scope will increase (ultimately a good thing), my title will change (a great thing), but my manager will also be changing (this makes both me and my manager sad!)...and no one can tell me whether or not it will be a lateral move or a grade level increase. I'm still hoping for the latter. Even if not right now, though, I'm assured that it will happen soon. Soon is a relative term, though. All in all, it was a rather anti-climactic meeting with a lot of build-up for mostly nothing.

I'm excited about the changes, but not excited about the manager change. Not the least of the reasons why is that now I'll have to re-explain the IF situation to the new boss. Luckily, that person, though not officially named yet, will be someone I already work with who I think will be understanding and flexible. Still not looking forward to rehashing it, though.

So, my cheese got moved at work-- better in the long-term, a bit painful in the short-term. And, I suppose, in some ways, the 2% morph results moved our IF cheese, too, though in a good way. It just kind of caused us to re-evaluate and be a little more encouraged to give IUI a chance. I guess it also potentially falls into the "better in the long-term, a bit painful in the short-term" category, though.

Ever get that feeling where you really need something (anything?!) to just be quick and easy? That's kind of how I feel this week!

A bit too much...

2009-11-08T00:44:00.003-06:00

So, Hubby and a I went to a party that Hubby's former boss was throwing this evening for some friends of theirs in the neighborhood. We weren't from the neighborhood, but we were new to the neighborhood. We had a blast.

Near the end of the party, I found myself sitting at the dining room table with four other wonderful women. Two of them were empty nesters with youngest kids in college or older. Two were mothers to three to five month olds. The husbands were all outside talking about manly things. The women were inside talking about motherly things. I heard about how the one baby had cysts that turned out to be caused by the mother's hormones. I just laughed at the funny jokes and poured another glass of wine. I heard about how the second baby's dad didn't know immediately that she was a girl because she was so swollen, due to hormones, right after delivery. I just laughed. I found out that one of the empty nesters only had one "and-a-half" ovaries, but the time didn't seem right to inqure further.

Once I even decide to test the waters with a "getting pregnant isn't what the teach us in PE" comment. Both of hte new mothers heard comments about how pregnancy, not conceiving, wasn't like PE. I knew what I was dealing with then, and just had another glass.

I just went along with all the new mom conversations, because I was really enjoying hanging out with these women, despite the problematic subject. I went along and had another glass of wine...and another. Next thing I knew, I'd had a bit too much.

For the record, I'm almost ALWAYS the designated driver. This time, without even a conversation, the Hubby knew that it was his turn to be the DD. It was definitely a good thing, too, because I definitely had too much. It's so nice to hang out with non-judgemental people, but I guess I would've rather them known why the conversation at hand was a bit difficult for me. Oh well...off to sleep tonight; headache in the morning, I'm sure.

In Its Own Divine Time

2009-11-07T09:11:00.003-06:00

Three things for this post...all which will happen "in their own divine time," as Hubby reminded me yesterday.

Issue number one...Hubby and I talked a bit about yesterday's issue. I sincerely thank each of you that offered your thoughts and thought processes. We left things in the "think on it" category. Exactly where I expected them to be, and exactly where they should be for where we are in the process. I should also add that after our conversation tonight we're leaning a bit more toward a few IUIs and then perhaps the next IVF clinical trial sometime after first quarter 2010. But, when the RE shares with us the percentages of successful IUI, I may change my mind on this...again. In time all of that will be clear, I trust,

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Issue number two...I'm fuming about the fact that we're still waiting on the morphology results from last Saturday's SA. Perhaps we've just been spoiled by the uro who could get us results, all of them-- including morphology, in an hour or two. But, seven days later seems more than excessive...and unacceptable. We've called a few times; they just haven't gotten to it yet. I guess it comes down to this: If they're going to take seven days to tell us it's another 0% normal, I will be even more PO'd. However, if the results are better, they can take all the time they need to count the little guys.

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Finally, issue number three...This is the one that Hubby actually said "all its own divine time." Ironically, it has absolutely nothing to do with TTC. Though he didn't say it, I do think he thought it was a message that wouldn't hurt to be applied to more than just one aspect of our current lives. It's a message I can often stand to be reminded of. Patience is not my forte.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand...On Thursday, my manager was called into a meeting with our director, the two other directors from our department and the VP to discuss "changes, all good changes, coming to the department." I just had a hunch this was going to have something to do with me. Sure enough, on Friday I came into work to find a meeting request for Monday with the same group (manager, three directors and the VP) to discuss "exciting updates" coming our way.

My department is sort of in the midst of a reorganization and I've been openly pulling for cross utilization of my role since the beginning. I suspect this meeting has something to do with that. It's almost certainly a positive thing for me. I'm expecting anything from a promotion to a title increase to a job diversification without promotion or title increase. Any of them would be a step in the right direction (though I'd prefer either of the former to the latter). My biggest concern, though, is it may include a change in managers, which is something I'll be pretty disappointed about. My manager and I have a great working relationship; I don't want to give that up just yet.

So, just to prove to you all what a worrier I am...here I sit on Saturday morning worried about undoubtedly good news I'm (hopefully) going to receive around lunch time on Monday. Such a silly girl! This is about the time Hubby said that whatever the change is, it will be positive, and though my path may not be the one I expected, it will all happen "in its own divine time." Since we did he get to be so philosophical, you ask? It was something his grandma used to remind him. Wise hubby; Wise grandma!

The Donor Discussion

2009-11-06T09:41:00.000-06:00

I started writing this post a few weeks ago as a way of putting this idea to rest. I thought that if I wrote it down, I could release it. That's sort of how writing works for me. I file it away here so that I can start to process it in the scope of the rest of my day/life/journey. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. This time, it's still haunting me.

From the beginning, long before we ever knew for sure that we were dealing with IF, back when we just knew that the odds were high based on family history, we said that all options would be on the table. We've always been open to adoption, if it came to that, but it was always imagined as the last option on the journey.

I had never really thought or considered donor sperm until we got the official IF diagnosis and I started reading blogs and message boards. I brought it up once then. In the beginning, before the full scope had set in for Hubby, he had indicated that it was something we could consider. In his mind, it was the option before adoption. After all biological means failed, we'd try donor, then adoption.

That made sense to me, too, for awhile. But, when it came time to actually start seriously moving toward IVF, I couldn't help but wonder if donor sperm was a "better" choice for us. At first my definition of better was comprised mostly of the fact that it was so much cheaper. I brought the subject up again after our trip to the RE last week. Hubby pretty quickly said that he'd like to try IVF first. So be it, I thought, and I wanted to file the though away. Thought considered and rejected. Move on. After all, it wasn't my biological link we'd be foregoing. How far could I really push it? Biology trumps cost any day.

But, I haven't been able to file it away. It's sort of lurking in the outer recesses of my thought patterns lately. I can't process it. If it were just the cost differential, I think I could lay the thought to rest. To be honest, Hubby and I haven't always spent our money as wisely as we should. If there were any place to overspend, this certainly seems like it. There's more to it than that, though.

Remember in this post when I talked about the moment when my mother-in-law vividly remembers hoping beyond hope that her sons would never have to experience the pain that depression had caused her and my father-in-law? I know that there's no hard evidence that depression is genetic, but Hubby's family may be the case study. Looking back, my in-laws are now fairly certain that Hubby's grandpa suffered from chronic depression. My father-in-law, brother-in-law and, of course, Hubby do, as well. Clearly, there's a prevalence of depression on the male side of the lineage.

And, this isn't the "pop a Prozac" and it's gone kind. This is the "take multiple anti-depressants and still suffer" kind. This is the "deal with it everyday" kind; the "sometimes depression rules our life" kind. I talked in that same post about both the toll the depression takes and the strength we gain from it. But, the bottom line is that I still wouldn't wish it on anyone, let alone our own son.

I feel like we have an opportunity to end the cycle. I don't want us to have to wonder if our future son will have to battle the same internal demons or if his future wife will have to carry the same burden. I know there's no guarantee. The donor could have a similar prevalence in his family. But, if we have the opportunity to try, shouldn't we take it?

So, I feel like I should bring up the subject again with Hubby this weekend. I feel like I should lay this new wrinkle out for discussion. I struggle with how to bring it up, because it's one thing to say that it's a cost factor. That's something we can work through. It's something entirely different to point out that his very biology is the problem. And, the thought of pointing that out, though it will be more of a reminder than a surprise, pains me.

Then, I struggle with how we compromise on this. It's not my genetics, my biological link, at stake. If he still says he'd rather not, at least not now, am I ok with that? I feel like I can only push it so far. But, how far? And, what are the ramifications of choosing donor? I can't even begin to imagine all of the issues that we'd have to consider, both now and later.

I'm not even sure how ready I am to put that option on the table, but it seems like something we should consider before moving to IVF and I'm sure we haven't given it its fair share of discussion time yet. Here's the running list of pros and cons in my head:
Pro
Chance to end the cycle of depression
Lower cost

Con
No biological link to Hubby

That con is a huge one. I just can't process it. Biology may trump cost, but when biology is the issue, we find ourselves back at square one.

So, blog friends, I need your help. I know that many of you have considered, conceived, or are moving down the path of using donor sperm. How did you decide? How did you broach that conversation with DH? What did your pros and cons list look like?

Fast Forward

2009-11-05T09:32:00.001-06:00

Feels a little bit like someone hit the fast forward button on our life around here lately. Scratch that...it feels like someone hit the fast forward button on our friends' lives while ours sit at a standstill, just going through the motions.

Nine months ago, we were gearing up for my laparoscopy. (I struggle with what exactly to count as our first month TTC because we were immediately put on hold to wait for my laparoscopy in January, so we couldn't officially start until March.) Either way, we were excited and ready to get started and a little apprehensive about what might be found during the lap. At that point, an acquaintance of ours through BFF announced that she was pregnant with her first, on the first try. I was thrilled for them. It gave me hope...I didn't really believe that first try BFPs could happen. That belief didn't seem to coexist with the gut feeling I had, even then (way before then actually), that it wouldn't happen that way for us, but it still gave me hope.

Eight months ago, on the very day of my post-op when we finally got the all clear to officially start TTC, BFF called to announce her BFP, another first try. This one was more complicated. I was ecstatic, head-over-heels happy for them, but it was tempered by a few things. First, that we got to enjoy our own TTC all-clear news for a total of about 2 hours before it got blown out of the water. Second, that this order of events, that we didn't even get to share TTC for even a month, was tough for me to handle. We had talked for such a long time about being TTC together, though I also was also glad she didn't have to experience a BFN or worse news on her journey. Third, and overarching, I couldn't shake the feeling that we would still be trying in December. The odds of us being the third first try in as many months seemed remote, to say the least.

Seven months ago, my boss got married....and conceived on her honeymoon, another first try. Three months later she announced, though I saw it coming from a mile away. She had been pretty open about her desire for a honeymoon baby and had even mentioned one time in passing that she was ovulating that weekend. My preggo spidey sense was tingling when she had a doctor's appointment almost exactly four weeks later and came in late due to an "upset tummy" a few weeks after that. It was no surprise at all to me when she announced.

And yet, that news on the very same day of some particularly insensitive words from BFF, added up to what was probably the second hardest day of our journey so far (the first being the day we got the first SA results from the nurse). It was probably the closest thing to a panic attack I've ever experienced. Luckily, I have an office with a door and it happened at lunch time when I could escape for some air without being seen. The boss' first try BFP solidified for me what I had already known. We were in this for the long haul. The odds were against us...three first try BFPs in our life? Seriously? Someone has to be the one in four dealing with an IF situation, right? Lucky us (all of us, that is...and yes, that was dripping with sarcasm.).

So, here we are, fast forward nine months. The first of the first tries delivered her beautiful baby boy on Sunday night. I'm thrilled that mother and baby are doing well. The boss' baby shower is this afternoon. And, BFF is set to deliver in just a few short weeks. With all of that, this week has felt a little painful. It occurred to me that in the timespan that these wonderful women in my life both conceived and delivered, we're still trying. Not only are we still trying, we're contemplating IVF and possibly even starting our first cycle.

I know that many of you have been through this many times over, so I know I'm not alone in these feelings. I also know that it's not easy for any of us. I'd like to think that the first is the hardest, but I doubt it. I imagine this will only get more difficult over the next few months until the first try trio have all become wonderful mothers doting beautiful babies in strollers.

I wish I knew how to push the fast forward button on our life, to get to those beautiful moments somewhere in our future. Then again, I know that these tough moments in the middle will make us better parents in the long run. In the back of my head I know that. But, in the forefront this week is a mixture of emotion that I don't much care for...sadness, frustration, jealously, anger, and joy. What's wrong with me when I feel sadness out of joy? No, I don't much care for that at all.

Sperm-O-Coaster

2009-11-04T00:00:00.000-06:00

Our journey from SAs 1 to 4 feels a bit like a ride on an amusement park roller coaster-- minus all the fun parts, of course. I'm quite certain that we just finished the all important "first drop." I'm just not sure if we're about to start up another hill before another dizzying drop or whether we're just at a mid-coaster "catch your breath" plateau.

Or, maybe I've just been playing too much Roller Coaster Kingdom on FB lately.

In all seriousness, you've probably guessed by now that our most recent SA results (#4) weren't what we'd hoped for. They were a definite dizzying drop from our hope-inducing third results. Count went from 48 million to 11 million; Motility from 38% back down to 24%. We're still waiting on the all important morphology number...the lab expects to get us that info today or tomorrow. Even without the morph, though, the new numbers look much more back in the IVF range than the IUI range we ever so briefly visited.

There's no logical reason for the decrease. DH is still taking the Tamoxifen/Arimidex combo and his testosterone showed back at normal levels on his most recent lab work. The only medicine change is that he stopped taking one of the anti-depressants. If anything, we would have thought that would've had a positive effect on the swimmers. Silly us for ever trying to predict the path the Sperm-O-Coaster would take us on!

So, we await the morphology shortly and gear up for the 5th SA, with DNA fragmentation testing, on 11/25. I can't help but wonder...another hill or another drop? Either way, according to everything we've been told so far about the numbers we'd need for IUI vs. IVF, the latest numbers (especially the fact that they're pretty much in unison with the other 3, minor hopeful uptick notwithstanding) have IVF written all over them. *Sigh* or perhaps in keeping with the Sperm-O-Coaster theme, I should say *S-C-R-E-A-M*.

Hug and Make Up

2009-11-02T21:04:00.000-06:00

I'm behind...so much to say this week to get the blog caught up! Let's start where I left off. We do a lot of hugghing in my family. It's not like we hug before leave the house; more like we hug before we leave a room. The last time I purposely ignored my mom for longer than a few hours was probably when I was nine years old. Last week I made it 2 days.

In the end, neither of us could stand it anymore. And, as I imagined, it was mostly a misunderstanding. Mostly. To be fair, I think that Mom really does just see things a bit differently than us. Though she thinks the clinical trial sort of gives us a pass on her rule, she also thinks that only a year of trying is probably too soon to be asking anyone for help. Some of you may agree. And, that's ok. But, on this point we're all just going to have to agree to disagree. Our point on the subject is the same as some of you that commented on the last post...delaying the first IVF try only decreases the odds. The longer we wait, the more likely that the problems were facing increase (my AMH/FSH, for example...which we're still waiting on the results of). We're also looking at it a bit like "what's the worst that could happen from asking?" especially when such wonderful things possibly come as a result of asking.

I guess it just comes down to that we're not going to let pride get in the way of starting our family. That's not to say that we take it lightly or that asking comes easy. We don't and it doesn't.

So, just to be clear. My mom is not like the many other people in our lives right now who doesn't get it and doesn't try. Mom tries and most of the time she gets it right. She just happened to be having a really bad day on the same day that I was having a pretty darn bad day. It happens...and we cut the people we love some slack because 99.9% of the time they get it right. Love you Mom!

Marla...to answer your question on this clinical trial I keep talking about, here's the info. Our RE is currently the only one in the Metroplex participating in IVF trials. The one they're currently accepting patients for is testing a subcutaneous version of progesterone for after the ET. Because it's testing the progesterone and not the stims, the discount isn't huge, but it's enough to make it worth our while. Two minor catches...1) The trial is wrapping up in the next "few" months (no one can really say when because it's at the drug company's discretion); 2) I have to lose 7-8 pounds in short order for us to secure our spot...assuming we can pay for it in the first place.

It was a day.

2009-10-27T22:23:00.002-05:00

And, not exactly a banner day either. I had one of those moments where you get mad at the world for the fact that you're having to pay mega bucks for even a chance at having a baby when so much of the rest of the world can do it free and relatively easily. Breakdown #1.

Then, I also had that moment when maybe you wish you hadn't really told your mom about IF. That's probably not entirely true, because I know this is just a misunderstanding that we'll work out...but I NEVER in a million years expected to hear my mom say, "You shouldn't ask for helping paying for IVF because you don't really have to have a baby right now." (And, I wasn't even asking her...asking anyone, for that matter. It was just at the general idea that we may need to ask ILs at some point.) Breakdown #2.

Ok, there is admittedly some truth in what she says. No one has stuck a gun to our heads and said that we must do IVF in the next few months. That much is true. The rest is debatable, though. And the tone and insinuation, from someone who had two kids by my age (and though had lots of endo problems before and toxemia problems during, had no actual trouble getting pregnant either time!), sent me over the edge! Depending on the day, my mom is either the second most (behind Hubby) or most (if Hubby's having an off day) understanding person in my life. For us to be this far apart on something really hurts.

Given the fact that we just went through the whole MN house debacle, some help from family (though, obviously not mine) will likely be necessary to come up with the pre-payment amount for the trial. For the record, that's not to say that we can't afford it, but paying in full up front does seem different to me than paying as you go or a payment plan. The latter two we could do without a problem, but may not be available to us due to the trial....hence the possible need for help.

Besides, it occurred to me after the whole "shouldn't ask for help" line that if we had accidentally gotten pregnant years ago, or even now for that matter, I suspect there would have been help if we needed it. Happy accidents aren't an option for us. Double standard, much?

Bottom line is that I don't want to ask for help. I wish we didn't need to...I wish we didn't need to pay mega bucks for the freakin' chance alone. And, now we're back to Breakdown #1.

Treatment Plan Update:
- Still waiting on AMH results.
- Hysteroscopy scheduled for November 13.
- Ate well today and took TWO walks with the dogs tonight. One day down, 8 more pounds to go before we qualify for the trial.....

RE Recap

2009-10-26T21:11:00.000-05:00

Here's the "quick and dirty" version for tonight. CRAZY day today...have barely caught my breath, ,but want to get this written down before I forget! More soon...

Today: internal sonogram (one cyst, Dr. K apparently not worried; low follicle counts...4-5 on both sides), AMH blood test (because of the low follicle counts), thyroid test (normal), contagious disease testing

Tomorrow: Talk to Trial Coordinator about enrollment, insurance transition, payment plans, etc., to see if this is even an option due to timing.

Saturday: Hubby's 4th SA (to confirm counts, particularly morphology, and baseline), contagious disease tesdting

mid-November: Hysteroscopy

November 25: Hubby's 5th SA (DNA Fragmentation)

early-December: F/U to discuss treatment plan

Miscellaneous Notes:
- Borderline acceptable BMI to qualify for the trial as of today. Time to get my tush in gear! Talk about motivation!
- DH optimistic that we could afford treatment as early as the December cycle. I'm not sure it'll be that soon, but nonetheless it is close!

T-Minus Hours

2009-10-25T23:18:00.001-05:00

Questions written down. Insurance plans printed. Google Maps directions sitting by the door.

We're officially in the "hours" countdown to the RE! The nerves I've felt for weeks have temporarily subsided (though, I'm sure they'll be back in the morning). At the moment, I'm excited...it ocurred to me at some point today that tomorrow we'll have a plan for starting our family. We'll go from "trying in futility" to "trying with a plan" overnight. The latter should feel much better in the long-term!

Of course, tonight's excitement will probably yield to nerves in a few hours followed, perhaps, by sadness or anger at the finality of hearing the necessity of treatments from the mouth of the RE. I guess that's why I'm writing this down when I really should be going to sleep in preparation for the very early wake-up call in the morning (RE at 7:15 with an hour drive there!)...I want to write this down so that even if I feel worse in the short-term, I'll be reminded of why I should feel better in the long-term. Tomorrow morning is the beginning...again. But, this time, at least for now, the beginning feels filled with more hope than despair.

Halloween at Ronald McDonald House

2009-10-22T22:07:00.005-05:00

I spent this evening volunteering with much of the rest of my department at the annual Ronald McDonald House Halloween Carnival. RMDH is the designated charity of my company, so we're there many times a year from cooking dinner to this annual Hallowee tradition.

I can't say enough good things about the experience. First of all, it was FUN! We dressed up as cartoon characters...I was Belle from "Beauty and the Beast!" And, I should point out that my hair is actually very short...that's mostly a ponytail extension attached with a million bobby pins! ;-)

But besides the fun, spending time with the RMDH kids is a great reminder to be grateful for what DH and I do have even in the midst of these TTC struggles. Bottom line: It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when your trying to make kids with cancer and their families smile. I'm grateful for the reminder...Though they will probably never know it, I feel certain that those kids (and their amazing familes) gave us as much as we gave them. They are in my prayers tonight.

It's IComLeavWe Time Again!

2009-10-21T06:00:00.000-05:00

WOW! It seems like we were just here! Where did last month go? So much has happened since last IComLeavWe and so much is right on the verge. Here's a quick recap of the big events of last month for us (and, if your brand new, here's an intro post to bring you up to speed!):

We sold our house in MN after 17 months on the market (after our move to Texas for work last year)! Such a relief...and it feels like we can finally move on with the next chapter, which is hopefully our family.
Tamoxifen and Arimidex definitely improved DH's SA! We saw increases in both count and motility!
We're officially in the countdown to the RE....SIX days and counting! Thanks so much to the ladies who submitted their RE stories and advice. So very helpfu! Feel free to add yours as well!
Today was CD1 of Cycle #8. Boooo! It's not as if AF's arrival was a surprise, but it sucks nonetheless. I'm doing ok, though...see #3 and say it with me: "I NEED A PLAN" and, luckily, that plan (or at least the beginnings of a real plan) are a mere six days away.

I'm looking forward to either getting to know for the first time or just a little better this month! IComLeavWe is the perfect way to cheer me up and make sure the next six days fly by! Thanks so much for clicking over!

Disclosure and Request

2009-10-19T18:48:00.003-05:00

This probably isn't the first time I've mentioned this (in fact, I know it's not), but it's a valid truth: I'm an analyst by day and a planner/worrier by night. Life is all in the details and the what ifs for me. I've done lots of research on REs and what to expect, but I still find myself with questions and wonderings.

So, while I know that I'll have plenty of questions up until the appointment next Monday, it also occurs to me that my blog friends might be able to help! I suspect that many of you might have posted about your first RE appointment. I'd love it if you'd link back to that post in the comments! It'll help me pass the time this week...and fewer surprises generally means less stress for us!

Thanks so much!

The age of social networking = A punch in the gut

2009-10-17T16:21:00.002-05:00

Seriously, Faceb00k sucks sometimes. Sure, I love Faceb00k for keeping in touch with people I may not otherwise talk to. I can follow the lives of high school and college friends from the 30,000 feet up perspective...only what they want to share. That's all fine and well until one of the following two things happen:

1) Someone you're really close to and are used to sharing big news over the phone with takes to posting really big news (both pregnancy and non-pregnancy news, though not the BFP) on Faceb00k. It feels a bit like a punch in the gut to suddenly feel demoted, without explanation, to the ranks of just another Faceb00k friend. That's not really how it is, because she called later, but that's how it feels to find out that her world is falling apart and then miraculously back together by FB rather than a call.

2) When one of those long lost, but then found via FB, friends who you haven't talked to in the better part of a decade posts that they're expecting twins. I'm not sure why that feels like such a punch in the gut, but man does it ever.

I've also realized that I find myself always thinking "I wonder how they got pregnant?" these days when someone announces a pregnancy in real life. And, that's especially true if it's twins. I find that to be a weird thought. And, even weirder still that if the answer is that they conceived those blessed twins via IUI/IVF or after a long time trying, it wouldn't feel like a punch, maybe just a tiny soft blow. Or, more likely like a soft nudge, a gentle squeeze of the shoulder, or a big hug...a hug that only someone who's battled IF could give. The understanding and hope that only someone who's beaten IF can share. Unfortunately, the 30,000 feet up perspective that FB provides can't tell me that. And, it seems somehow inappropriate to message the college friend I haven't spoken to in ages to ask.

I just wish that I didn't feel like the wind got knocked out of me every time I log onto FB these days. It seems that the vast majority of my FB friends are pregnant or already have at least one child. In fact, Hubby added another college friend a few weeks ago and her and three kids greeted him from her profile picture. The thought that someone we went to college with, not all that long ago, already has three kids. WOW! Clearly, they have super swimmers on their side. Sheesh! A month or so ago I was on a self-imposed FB break...might be time for another.

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Of course, I'm not faulting anyone for posting those things on FB. I'm sure we'll do the same when our turn comes. However, I have noted that my friends who dealt with IF use a lot more care in their FB posting. They don't log their delivery minute-by-minute via FB, for example (and, yes, I actually had a "friend" do that a few months ago). I will certainly have a more careful perspective on my FB posting taking a cue from those friends, as well.

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In happier news, the sun is shining here (all day even) for one of the first times since the first of October. Likewise, the renewed sunlight and a medicine change have done wonders for Hubby in the last few days. That's a huge relief. It's easy to forget just what an effect lack of sunlight can have on him. And, it all serves as a great reminder of why we left MN. Luckily half a month of partly/mostly cloudy doesn't happen in TX very often. But, it happens for most of the winter in MN. I'll say it again...Good riddance MN house!

Busy planning for Halloween (we have a giant shindig at work!) and trying to stay busy in the wait for the intial RE consult on 10/26. Almost there!

Show & Tell: Goodbye...

2009-10-14T21:49:00.003-05:00

...and Good Riddance!

We're taking a break from the Disney stories for a bit of rememberance and celebration. Today, we officially closed on the sale of our MN house after 17 long months on the market. It was our first house. I loved that house. But, after 17 months, I say, "Goodbye House and Good Riddance!" I know that our former townhome will make its next occupants extremely happy. So, for show and tell today, I'm sharing our first home with each of you in rememberance:

The celebration part is this...Hubby and I summed it up pretty well tonight with a glass of champagne and a toast. The toast was to the joys of owning only one home, new beginnings, and the value of patience. A fitting lesson given our next journey.

So, lastly, I'll share tonight's glass of champagne. The irony is that we discovered that the champagne glasses are fittingly MIA since the move!

Now that I've stepped to the front of the class to share, it's your turn! Please join us over at Mel's Place for our weekly Show & Tell circle time!

The New Two Week Wait

2009-10-13T20:12:00.003-05:00

So, we're 5 days into the current two week wait until AF is due (er, until I can test...if AF doesn't beat me to the punch, that is)...I try to be positive this month, but I'm not making much progress, I'm afraid. We're also 2 days into our newest version of the two week wait: the countdown to our initial consult with the RE (at the Cen.ter for Assist.ed Re.pro.duction (CAR)).

I'm excited and nervous, but mostly immensely ready to have a plan. And, I'm hopeful that we'll walk out of the appointment on 10/26 with a plan and a timeline. In fact, I have an IRL friend who has beautiful 9-month-old twin boys after doing IVF at CAR. She says that if I walk in and tell Dr. K that "I NEED A PLAN!" that I'll leave with a plan.

Guess what I'll be saying? Can it really be that "easy?" Plans have seemed rather elusive lately...

(Thanks to the HC and Jenny for the new blog awards! So sweet! Will get them up shortly...just a drive by posting tonight!)

Soul Food

2009-10-11T21:56:00.000-05:00

My friends, I have one thought to sum up this weekend: My soul is happy, waistline be damned! Admittedly, in the beginning, the weekend didn't seem like it would end so well. I drove up to baggage claim to pick up Mom at the airport with what seemed like a perfectly fine tire. Three minutes later I had a ridiculously flat tire. Forty-five minutes later, Hubby was there to save the day.

After a "quick trip" off to the tire store to replace the spare and a couple hours behind schedule, we were on our way to the Texas State Fair. It was a perfect day for the fair...a crisp, cool, only marginally crowded day. We were on a mission to do the following: try the light rail (this was our transportation from downtown, where we parked the car, to the fair in order to avoid insanely high parking prices at the fair!), see Big Tex, eat Fried Snickers, eat Fried Peanut Butter Cup Macaroons, eat Fried Peaches and Cream. As you can see, there was a lot of eating on our agenda!

Crossing the light rail and Big Tex off the list was easy. Some of the food items required considerably more patience. The Fried Peaches and Cream, in particular, required a feet-numbing hour-and-a-half stay in line! Peaches and Cream was the "Best Taste" category winner at the Fair's fried food contest this year. Everbody and their brother wanted to try it! And, it was worth the wait in line just to say we'd tried it (not to mention that it was pretty darn good!).

But, my favorite fried food, by far, was the Fried Peanut Butter Cup Macaroon. It was another finalist in the fried food contest, brought to you from the people that won the contest for Fried Snickers a few years back. This little morsel were absolutely divine. Coconut macaroon cookie dough wrapped around peanut butter cups and deep fried to melty, ooeey, gooey goodness! These have inspired me to try a non-fried version of this cookie next time I'm in the mood for some baking. Simply divine! (Mom loved her friend snickers, too!)

So, I may have gained 10 pounds this weekend, but it feels well worth it. And, not so much for the fried food, but for the wonderful, well-timed mother-daughter time and the fact that we can say we finally did it. We finally made it to the the Fair together and had a great time doing! The fried food wasn't bad either!

Friday Frustrations

2009-10-09T10:19:00.005-05:00

I wish I could say that I was feeling great headed into the weekend. Unfortunately, I'm feeling frustrated. A lot of things are adding up to create that feeling. And, even though there's a great deal of hopeful, "almost there" sort of things going on right now, I can't seem to get past my general feeling of annoyed frustration on this dreary, rainy Friday.

House
We were supposed to be the proud owners of only one house, officially, as of today. Instead, we have two houses for one more week. The closing on our MN house got moved to next Wednesday. Not the end of the world. It's still on the calendar and it's a bank issue, not a buyer issue. Still, it's annoying. After 17 months on the market, though, what's one more week?

RE
I posted earlier this week about my call to schedule the initial consult at the RE. I talked with the new patient coordinator on Wednesday afternoon and got an appointment set-up for the morning of 10/26. Awesome! We wouldn't have to wait too long to get a plan. Unfortunately, I woke up in a startle on Thursday morning when I realized that somehow I'd failed to realize that I had an all day meeting at work on 10/26 and would probably need to reschedule. I immediately called the coordinator yesterday morning...still haven't heard back. I imagine she's off and I'll here from her on Monday. I was making every effort to schedule the appointment for first thing in the morning or last thing in the evening to appease my office. But, I have sense decided that I'll be much better able to participate in my boss's baby shower on November 5 if we have a plan by then. Maybe that's silly, but I think it will help I'm annoyed at myself for scheduling it on the 26th in the place and growing increasingy annoyed that I haven't heard back (not at the coordinator, just in general that I can't get it confirmed on our calendars).

Depression and TTC
And then there's the big one. DH and I had the talk last night. He's right in the middle of a lot of non-TTC-related medical issues that investigating the MFI sort of dug up. He's dealing with severe fatigue...to the point of not being able to successfully complete once normal, daily tasks. Now that his hormone levels are back to normal (testosterone and estradiol are in normal ranges per the blood work we received from the uro this week!), his thyroid panel came back clear and his CPAP (for sleep apnea) has been cleared as working normally, we're beginning to wonder if it has something to do with his depression meds. The very thing we were hoping to avoid messing with now needs to be messed with. So, we had the talk...should we hold off on "advanced-TTC" until he's feeling better or continue to pursue getting him "back to normal" at the same time as we move forward with the RE. We decided to move ahead, but reevaluate before we start any treatments. A perfectly sensible resolution...but, I'm finding myself annoyed at the conversation in the first place. The depression, making it's presence known in yet another way, annoys me to know end. I digress and will save it for the next post.

To end on a lighter note...my mom is flying in this weekend. We're going to the Texas State Fair. I'll report soon on fair oddities (er, delicacies?) like fried butter and fried peaches and cream. Maybe tomorrow's feeling of "painfully stuffed" will outweigh (no pun intended) today's annoyance.

Show & Tell: Disney Transport Ghost Town

2009-10-07T22:02:00.006-05:00

It's Wednesday! That means three things...we're more than halfway to the weekend; it's Show & Tell time at Stirrup Queen's; and it's a walk down Disney memory lane here!

For my conference last month, I stayed at the Walt Disney World Dolphin. For those that don't know the ins and outs Disney resorts, the Dolphin is one of only a few non-Disney hotels within the park grounds. The Dolphin (and neighboring Swan) are actually managed by Starwood (of Sheraton and Westin fame), but guests are offered most of the benefits Disney provides to guest staying at "full" Disney resorts (like the All Stars or the Grand Floridian). One of those Disney included services for Dolphin guests is Disney Transport...that's a seat on one of the multitude of Disney buses that take you anywhere and everywhere you need to go!

The Dolphin shares buses with Swan, Boardwalk, Yacht Club and Beach Club. Since it is also an Epcot resort, it has back entrance access to Epcot via Friendship Boats and a walkway. I guess most people who stay at a one of these five resorts just takes the back entrance and walk or ride back to the resort after Illuminations. What fun is that?

On Tuesday night, after my whirwind tour of Epcot, I watched Illuminations from the China pavillion in World Showcase. This is pretty much my favorite place to watch Illuminations, because I firmly believe that the show is just not the same without the golf ball in the background. China is at the back of the park, and much nearer to the back entrance (at France) than the front. But, I wanted to enjoy every last minute I could at my favorite park. I fought the crowds who were walking in the opposite direction while I took the l-o-n-g way back around the Seven Seas Lagoon, all the way back to the golf ball.

I took pictures and soaked in all that Disney magic that I love so much. Then, I headed out to the bus stops. I stopped a the bus information signs that tell you which stop to line up at for each resort. Oddly, I didn't see the Dolphin (or the Swan, Boardwalk, Beach Club or Yacht Club, for that matter). Seeing my confusion, a gentleman standing there (not appearing to wear a cast member uniform, but he didn't look like a par guest either) asked me where I was headed. When I said the Dolphin he said, "Oh, there's no bus for that. It's usually a taxi." Of course, I then realized that the helpful looking gentleman was actually a cab driver. Not so helpful.

No worries. I knew better than to take his advice anyway. And, I soon saw the sign that said, "Dolphin, Swan, Beach Club, Yacht Club and Boardwalk Guests please take the Hollywood Studios Bus and then transfer to the resort bus." Ok, I imagine this is because Epcot has the rear entrance to these resorts...they just don't offer dedicated buses to and from them from the Epcot front entrance. A trip to the Hollywood Studios parking lot would be no problem except that Hollywood Studios closed an hour earlier. Still unphased, I found the next uniformed Disney cast member and shared my plight. He told me to stand at the Hollywood Studios line and they'd take care of me.

That they did I stood there long enough to watch at least 4, maybe 5, All Star buses load to standing room only capacity. Another 3 Caribbean Beach Resort buses did the same. I was beginning to wonder if my bus was really coming when I was nearly the only person waiting for any Disney Transport bus on my side of the parking lot. Right about then, my very own Disney Transport bus arrived! I had it all to myself...and that was a sight I had never, ever seen at Disney...an empty bus. It was such an alien sight to me, that I had to snap a pic. My cast member driver, on his unscheduled trip to the Dolphin, must have thought I was crazy! But, here it is and I'm glad I captured the moment...

An empty bus actually happened to me twice on this trip! This time and then once on my last day, too (Sorry, no pics of that time! :-) The moral of this Disney story is twofold: 1) Don't listen to the guys that stand by the bus signs outside Epcot. Find a castmember. 2) The week before Epcot's Food & Wine Festival (so, depending on the timing of the Festival, the 2nd or 3rd week of September) is an awesome time to head to Disney! I rarely had to wait in a line at any park longer than 5 minutes...and had an empty bus TWICE! Can't beat that!

Check out what everyone else is sharing for Show & Tell over at Mel's Place! Hope to see you at the head of the class next week!

Cue the Butterflies

2009-10-07T07:00:00.000-05:00

The strangest thing happened yesterday. I had checked into everything that I wanted to check into before scheduling our initial consultation with the RE (insurance, HRA, etc). I had picked the RE 2+ months ago at the first mention of us possibly needing IVF. I had been ready to make this call for awhile now. That's just the way I process information. And, here we were finally (relatively speaking) at the point of getting the "higher impact" action plan I was writing about just last week.

Two months ago, I would have thought I would have picked up the phone, dialed the number and scheduled the appointment with wreckless abandon. Instead, I freaked out, my stomach full of thousands of tiny butterflies. This struck me as very odd. It was just a phone call. It was just a consultation. It would probably be a month or more away. And, I could cancel it if need be. What the heck had me all worked up?

More than any other call or appointment so far, this call...this call to schedule the initial consult that will determine whether we continue to wait it out, "try harder" with something like IUI, or jump straight to the end of the book with IVF w/ ICSI...this call makes it feel real. You don't end up at the urologist if the swimmers are Michael Phelps quality. Likewise, you don't make the call for the intial consult at the RE if your odds of getting pregnant naturally are high.

This is real. We are dealing with infertility. We are currently infertile. Deep breath. Butterflies remain. But, the freak out faded. It's just an apointment and I can cancel anytime if I change my mind on the clinic, or we decide to wait it out a bit longer, or whatever the reason may be. It's just a consult....albeit a consult with bigger, better ramifications than any appointment I've ever had.

So, I picked up the phone, dialed the number and said the words: "I'd like to schedule a new patient consultation." And, after all that, I hung up the phone empty-handed. My clinic requests that I fill out the new patient paperwork and then they call me to schedule. After all that! The paperwork is ready to go and I hope to get a call with an appointment later today.

This is real. I'm scared, nervous, excited...ready.

I'd like to thank...

2009-10-06T21:39:00.003-05:00

...Marla'z from Marla'z Austin Journey for my very first blog award! How exciting!
Here are the rules:
Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part
1. Where is your cell phone? Couch
2. Your hair? Brown
3. Your mother? Support
4. Your father? Determined
5. Your favorite food? Chocolate
6. Your dream last night? None
7. Your favorite drink? Limeade
8. Your dream/goal? Motherhood
9. What room are you in? Bedroom
10. Your hobby? Dogs
11. Your fear? Aliens
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Here
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. Something that you aren’t? BD'ing
15. Muffins? Cranberry
16. Wish list item? Car
17. Where did you grow up? Arkansas
18. Last thing you did? FarmVille
19. What are you wearing? PJs
20. Your TV? On
21. Your pets? Two
22. Friends? Deep
23. Your life? Blessed
24. Your mood? Frustrated
25. Missing someone? Friend
26. Vehicle? Accord
27. Something you’re not wearing? Glasses
28. Your favorite store? Department
29. Your favorite color? Aqua
30. When was the last time you laughed? Afternoon
31. Last time you cried? Saturday
32. Your best friend? DH!
33. One place that I go to over and over? Bathroom
34. One person who emails me regularly? Deb
35. Favorite place to eat? Sweet Tomatoes

Recipients
1 Moving on to the Next plan
2 Are we There Yet? (pg)
3 One Who Understands
4 The Sassy Infertile Lady
5 C by the Sea
6 IF Crossroads

Don't forget to pass it on!

And then there were 48 million!

2009-10-02T13:26:00.003-05:00

What a difference a month makes! Thanks to Tamoxifen & Arimidex we have 43 million more swimmers on a mission than we did last month (count increased from 5 million to 43 million). And, they swim better, too (motility from 22% to 38%). Based on those two factors, we're in IUI range now! Morphology is still lagging near 0%. Dr. B was quick to point out that morphology is a deal breaker and may lead us to IVF anyway. However, IUI is at least an option today. It wasn't a month ago.

I'm thrilled with the progress! DH and I are going talk next steps tonight. I'm hoping that we can an RE appointment set-up and try an IUI cycle in December before the IVF clinical trial in January. DH may have slightly more patient thoughts on the matter, though. We'll see.

Ah, but there is one catch-22. All the evidence indicates that the Tamoxifen/Arimidex are the cause of DH's recent extreme fatigue and depression flare-up. DH had new blood work done today and will then go off the Tamoxifen/Arimidex for one week. If the fatigue increaseses, then we know that the meds were helping and the cause is something else. If it stays the same, we know the cause is something else. If it decreases, we know the meds were the problem....and we find a Plan B.

Even though I know that our chances of a natural pregnancy this month are very slim, I'm pretty sure that I won't be quite as "indifferent" as I was last cycle! Thanks for all of the good luck wishes, crossed fingers and prayers blog friends...progress, slow but sure!

Show & Tell: Leave A Legacy

2009-09-30T23:15:00.005-05:00

One Disney story a week for Show & Tell until I've used p all my pictures! That's how I finally decided to share my Disney pics from my conference trip a few weeks ago. This idea has two advantages: 1) I won't break up the TTC/IF thoughts with Disney stuff; and my Disney trip report won't get interrupted by TTC/IF thoughts! :-) 2) Disney stories make me smile. Might as well spread those smiles out as long as possible. One guaranteed smile per week for Show & Tell sounds pretty nice to me. (I apologize in advance if you're not a Disney person and/or Disney doesn't make you smile. Feel free to share your Disney-like place in the comments!)

So, without further ado...Disney story #1.

Epcot is by far my favorite park. If I could pick only one park to go to or stay at, it would be Epcot. It seems fitting then that a picture of DH and I forever sits just beneath the gleaming Epcot golf ball, otherwise known as Spaceship Earth.

That's right, a picture. In 2004, DH and I spent our honeymoon at Disney World. And, it just so happened that Disney was doing a special promotion at Epcot called "Leave a Legacy." You could have your picture taken and added to a tile that would be placed on giant granite slabs beneath the golf ball. I know that I'm a total Disney geek, but this sounded awesome to me: Commemorate our wedding day...and be able to bring our kids back on our many future family vacations to Disney to show them Mom & Dad gloriously happy on their honeymoon at the happiest place Earth.

The "Leave a Legacy" monument had really only just begun when we were there in 2004, so it was hard to imagine what it might look like 5 years later. It was also hard to tell how the little picture of a grinning newlywed DH and his Bride Minne-eared bride would look etched in steel and attached to those giant granite slabs. I knew that one day we'd be back (I even dared to dream with kids in tow) to see our honeymoon picture on the monument.

Five years later, I got my wish (minus kids in tow, for now). Here's a view of the monument as a whole (sorry for the crappy angle, I can't find my better pic at the moment). The granite slabs line either side of the main entrance to Epcot, all the way back to Spaceship Earth.

What a joy it was to find our tile on my trip last month...to relive those memories of a somewhat more innocent, naive moment and to think of how far we've come. Though the memory of that innocence is alluring, I wouldn't trade one bit of it for the strength, love and stronger connection we have 5 years later. I didn't understand that saying "I hope today is the day you love each other the least" 5 years ago. I get it now. And, I honestly like the people we've become better than the people that we were (nice when that happens! :-)! Still, it's nice to know that that particularly beautiful moment has a special place at one of our favorite places. We'll always know exactly where to find and how to relive that wonderful moment in our lives!

So there, on the monument's west side, row 2, section B, panel 3, tile 10-20 reside the newlyweds frozen in time...

Thanks for stopping by! Don't forget to see what the rest of the class is sharing over at Mel's place!

Busy, but not Busy Enough!

2009-09-29T09:27:00.000-05:00

Sorry everyone. I just haven't felt "in the mood" to post lately. I guess it's because there hasn't been much new to say. There's still not much terribly new to say today. But, I think--I'm hopeful--that there will be much to discuss in the coming days.

I suppose there have been a few new developments recently, some bigger than others. Most notably, we had dinner with very dear friends and their 3-year-old daughter over the weekend. They had a request for us that both shocked and awed us and ultimately left us honored and humbled. Amidst our troubles trying to conceive, that someone would trust us, in the event of a terrible worst case scenario, with their own IF miracle just leaves me speechless...awed...thankful...and humbled. And, it feels a bit like God reminding us that we're on the right path, but must wait our turn.

It's that last part that continues to be a struggle for me, though. DH has been on the Tamoxifen/Arimidex combo for about a month now. Our first follow-up with the urologist is Friday. It's not as if we're not busy on the TTC front. We're not exactly not doing anything. But, it feels so "low impact." I want to do more than have DH pop a pill. I'll just be shocked if that alone makes all of our TTC troubles go away. And, to be fair, I have learned great respect for meds through DH's depression. A well-prescribed anti-depressant can make all the difference in the world (and vice versa on a poorly prescribed one). But, even the best anti-depressant can't make DH's depression completely go away. It still takes "management," for lack of a better term.

I suspect that TTC will be that way for us, too. The Tamoxifen/Arimidex may help, but I just don't see them as the silver bullet. And, if IUI and/or IVF await us, I'd rather just get there. That's the catch, though, if the Tamoxifen/Arimidex have any chance of improving the counts, we need to give them time to do their job. I'm just impatient.

So, we're busy, but we're not busy enough for me yet. Of course, the next valid question you may be thinking is what would "busy enough" look like for me. It's a good question. I don't have an answer. I just know that I want to do more. We'll be asking the urologist for a timeline for IUI/IVF on Friday and if he's aware of any clinical trials that might apply to us. And, I'll probably be looking to set up a RE appointment soon...adding that to our urologist appointments and DH's psychiatrist, sleep specialist and endocrinologist appointments. Hmmm...I think DH will feel BUSY...

Patience...anyone have tips on learning patience? I've been trying for years, but I don't think I've made any progress! :-)